Here we go

[uncreatedlight]

I'm having a resurgence in urges now.  RAIN works.  Feel it in your body.  Where do you feel the urge?  I start gritting my teeth, feel pressure in my penis, and tense my neck.  Don't think.  Don't fight it.  Focus on how your body feels, how your emotions feel.  If you start getting distracted and feel the urge overwhelming you, return to focusing on it how it feels.

You are rolling on a river.  The ride will smooth in a bit.

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

Thank you so much Uncreatedlight.

I actually slept well, but a bit irritable this morning.  I have a busy day and I really don't want to do any of it.  I'm trying to rev myself up and have a positive attitude for the day.

It's a good day.  I can make it through.  I just have to do my job.  There's a level of boredom with my job that I have to overcome and I'm a bit afraid that that will be my weakness.

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

I have cut out a lot of my triggers, which in a way makes me sad.  I now avoid being alone at work.  It's a bit hard for me as I tend to crave alone time.  But if it makes me tired then so be it.  I'm trying to find energy in the small successes.  There's energy in withdraw for me and fatigue in the binge.  I'm choosing energy as it feels a bit better than the fatigue.  I can't fight fatigue. 

I can't believe it's only 9:30am

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

So one of my big triggers is being at work alone.  There's always a couple of hours at lunch that I am alone and that is when I fail.  So today I left work and went home and had lunch with my wife.

 

[bob]

That is a wonderful idea. Good thinking.

I sometimes leave my computer at work. Then I am not tempted.

Peace

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

It's really insane to me that this is so hard.  I really almost feel like I have to.  It's only been two days and I'm itching towards my phone.  I feel like I need just a little bit.  Almost like it is a drug.  It's like I don't know what to do with my hands.  Fidgety hands, super distracted, almost not thinking correctly.  Trying to be in the moment though.  It's a bit of a suckfest right now.  Trying to play Candyland with one of my kids and just feel like throwing the board across the room.

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

I finally set a lock on my phone.  Pretty cool little app that shuts down your phone for a bit.  Still not sure what to do with myself, but I know not to do that.

 

[NewVerse]

I finally set a lock on my phone.  Pretty cool little app that shuts down your phone for a bit.  Still not sure what to do with myself, but I know not to do that.

It is all about habits. Your brain will adjust.

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

At home now and have set another lock on my phone.  At this point I'm just trying be present in the moment.  I'm hoping I just fall asleep soon.  I am dreading not being able to sleep.  But I hope I can sleep.  After two days of anxiety, I'm fairly relaxed. 

 

[Rex]

Jasonsjunk1975,

Keep fighting the good fight, you can beat it!  One of the things that I find works really well when you have really bad temptations is to pray, really talk to Jesus or God.  Talk as if you are talking to your friend or family member, express how you really want to stay away from porn but can't do it on your own and that you really need help. It's in these times when I notice I receive those extra graces and suddenly I am able to beat the temptations and urges. Also during really bad urges and temptations I listen to youtube video talks by Bishop Sheen, Joel Osteen, etc. I find when I start to focus on God and Jesus, instead of my own urges that the addiction begins to lose its grip on me. Last week I woke up to terrible anxiety and had really bad temptations, I listened to a 27 minute Joel Osteen talk on youtube and the temptation left me and I felt uplifted after the video was over.

Also it's important to realize the following:

1) One fall to PMO is not one fall but a PMO marathon that makes it hard to get back on the wagon again.

2) Stay away from dirty R-rated movies, TV programs, and anything else that gets you sexually excited.  I found watching documentaries or other educational programs or other clean TV shows keeps away the urges while in recovery.

3) Know what your triggers are and stay away from them. PMO addiction is like falling off the cliff, you want to stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as you can because if you linger around the edge of the cliff you will fall.

4) Realize no matter how bad the urges and temptations are, they will eventually pass. Every time they pass and you beat them, it gets easier to beat them the next time.

5) Keep yourself busy with activities, sitting around with lots of idle free time is not good when in recovery.

6) Pray, pray, and pray - I found praying the Rosary to be a very effective in beating the addiction.

No matter what don't give up, keep trying you will eventually be victorious in your battle.  Keep thinking about how bright your future will be without PMO.

Rex




 

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

Thank you Rex.  I appreciate your kind words.  I have been doing quite a bit of praying and feel like God is hearing my prayers.

Today has so far gone well.  Friday's are always a risky time for me as I spend a good deal of time solo.  I typically work all day, but my business shuts down at noon.  So I tend to have a lot of time to waste.  But today, I ran some errands and came home to eat with my wife.  She is a stay at home mom and I have enjoyed coming home for lunch and today to spend some time with her.  With three children we do not get a lot of alone time and I'm enjoying getting to know her again.  I am leaning on her more and more which she is enjoying.  It's as if we are dating again. 

I also have had a bit more energy.  Granted some if it's nervous energy, but I'm preferring it to the lethargy if feel after a porn binge.

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

I'm surprised at the amount of nervous energy I have.  The struggle is real although I'm trying to remember the depression and fatigue I have after PMO.  This is still better.  I feel healthier if that makes any sense.  I'm only on day three.  I wish I had a few more days under my belt. 

I'm realizing how much I used PMO to pass the time or to ease boredom.  I'm a bit bored now although I can't do anything because I"m not alone, so I'm fairly safe.    The test comes when I am bored and alone.  It can seem that there are endless hours to fill and I don't necessarily want to do anything else.  Nor do I want really to be alone with my thoughts.  I turn to depressing thoughts when I'm alone with them.  Trying to think of things that I enjoy.

 

[NewVerse]

I'm surprised at the amount of nervous energy I have.  The struggle is real although I'm trying to remember the depression and fatigue I have after PMO.  This is still better.  I feel healthier if that makes any sense.  I'm only on day three.  I wish I had a few more days under my belt. 

I'm realizing how much I used PMO to pass the time or to ease boredom.  I'm a bit bored now although I can't do anything because I"m not alone, so I'm fairly safe.    The test comes when I am bored and alone.  It can seem that there are endless hours to fill and I don't necessarily want to do anything else.  Nor do I want really to be alone with my thoughts.  I turn to depressing thoughts when I'm alone with them.  Trying to think of things that I enjoy.

Keep pushing and in time it does get easier. There was a time when it felt like a few days without PMO was an eternity. For the last couple years, I don't even think about it during the week because it makes me feel worn out. It's not even a struggle during the week because it's not a consideration. I do still struggle some with the bored and alone times. Especially weekends so I can relate to that. That is also becoming slightly easier, I think because NOT doing it is forming the habit of not doing it.

 

[Rex]

I'm surprised at the amount of nervous energy I have.  The struggle is real although I'm trying to remember the depression and fatigue I have after PMO.  This is still better.  I feel healthier if that makes any sense.  I'm only on day three.  I wish I had a few more days under my belt. 

I'm realizing how much I used PMO to pass the time or to ease boredom.  I'm a bit bored now although I can't do anything because I"m not alone, so I'm fairly safe.    The test comes when I am bored and alone.  It can seem that there are endless hours to fill and I don't necessarily want to do anything else.  Nor do I want really to be alone with my thoughts.  I turn to depressing thoughts when I'm alone with them.  Trying to think of things that I enjoy.

The first week is always the worst, it seems like the minutes and hours go by so slowly especially when you are alone. Do you have any current hobbies or interests or ones that you like to pursue?  Stuff that takes a lot time and concentration does wonders for taking the mind off of porn.  For instance working on a big jigsaw puzzle, building a model airplane, a model car, woodworking, model railroading, etc. Or are there any house related projects that you have been putting off, like painting a room or redoing a bathroom. It's much easier kicking the PMO habit if you replace it with something that takes up time during your idle periods. Once you get a week under your belt, then the second week passes quicker, and then you get into glide mode where staying away from PMO gets easier.  You can do it, you can beat this addiction.

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

Thank you Rex.  It's funny you mentioned hobbies.  I realized that I have none.  PMO has been my hobby.  It has always been my go to.  I'm looking at new ones but I have found that my brain has almost been zapped.  It's hard to explain.  My attention span is shot.  I had a puzzle, but just couldn't attend to it.  At the moment I have been journaling.  Almost compulsively.  I have a blank book that I keep with me and I write in it.  All of my thoughts and whatever else I feel like writing at the moment.    There are a lot of things to do around the house to.

 

[bob]

Jason,

PMO has been my hobby.  It has always been my go to.

I can agree to this too. It was what I thought about 24/7. Couldn't understand why it wasn't on everyone's mind, or how I could live without it.

But, I am learning.

Peace

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

It's crazy Bob!

I survived the night.  Night time is difficult.  I had trouble sleeping which was to be expected.  It's hard to resist when there's all the time in the world and my entire family is asleep.  But I made it. 

Today is a bit hard.  I'm bored.  My family is all busy and occupied and I have a lot of time on my hands.  It's really hard to concentrate on anything.  However, I'm enjoying just being here.  It's actually pleasant.  The kids are playing.  It's cold outside.  Wet and raining.  That's the only real draw back otherwise I'd be outside.

 

[Rex]

It's crazy Bob!

I survived the night.  Night time is difficult.  I had trouble sleeping which was to be expected.  It's hard to resist when there's all the time in the world and my entire family is asleep.  But I made it. 

Today is a bit hard.  I'm bored.  My family is all busy and occupied and I have a lot of time on my hands.  It's really hard to concentrate on anything.  However, I'm enjoying just being here.  It's actually pleasant.  The kids are playing.  It's cold outside.  Wet and raining.  That's the only real draw back otherwise I'd be outside.

It's tough at this time of year when it's cold and gloomy outside, this type of weather sometimes leads to us feeling gloomy. However try to focus on all the good today such as that you are free from PMO today, that you are not working, and have been blessed with a wife and kids that love you. Focus on all the great breaks and things that happened this week and in your life, you'll find your mood changing and you'll see how bright today is even if the weather is terrible and you are in reboot mode.  When in the reboot process the brain is adjusting and it can cause sleepiness, depression, low energy, and for us to get into a gloomy type of thinking.  Ride it out and enjoy the ride, things are going to get better for you.  Your future will be a bright one.

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

It has been good.  I have kept busy and have found there is a lot of good things in simple things.  I'd not realized how lazy I had gotten.  Yesterday I read and played with the kids.  Then we went and looked at Christmas lights.  After that I sat in their rooms while they went to sleep and read.  It was very nice. 

Today we went to church and now I am sitting and organizing everything for next week.  I am planning to keep myself from stumbling tomorrow, which will be a tough day for me.  I have a lot of time by myself tomorrow and so it will be a bit of a test for me.  Fortunately there are a lot of things to do.

 

[jasonsjunk1975]

Super tempted today.  I've worked and kept myself busy.  But I'm just really tempted today.  There are a million lies I keep telling myself, "one time is ok" "I need this to concentrate" "I've done fine, this wont be a big deal."

It's just hard.  I'm trying to remember how fatigued and lethargic I am afterwards.  My only problem now is that I am super distracted.  I can't really focus on anything.  I really need a mindless activity to work on.  Something to keep my hands busy.