On the Road to Being My Best Possible Man

[sempervirilis]

Greetings Fellas,

A bit of background for me and with rebooting. I am 26 years old, fit, straightforward guy, started watching porn in my early teens and was, what I now understand, totally addicted to pornography. I dated regularly throughout, despite my addiction with inconsistent success with sexual encounters, but with an ever growing fear of losing my erections. The porn started with the normal stuff, escalated over the years to progressively more intense scenarios to the point that I began to solely look at same-sex pornography almost exclusively. I am straight, but even tried getting BJs from dudes which made me question and doubt myself. I found out about YBOP over a year and a half ago and have struggled many times to overcome this challenge. Often going halfway with my attempts. Maybe I would try cutting out P, but continue MO, or I would relapse into MO and then go right back to P...up until just 21 days ago.

21 days ago I did it. Stopped. Everything. Cold turkey. No excuses, no more hiding behind MO, or M without O. Nothing. No fantasies, no P, no M, no O. I now know how this thing should really feel and I am making progress. The first 12 days or so were the norm of on and off extreme horniness, but then flat line and emotional roller coaster. Especially through days 15 to 20. One day would be feeling on top of the world, the next, feeling the worst I had felt in a long time. It was up and down, but I had read enough and was aware enough to be happy for that. Here it was, the real deal, my brain was going through some shit and I'm on my way.

When I am truly honest with myself 21 days is the absolute longest time I have gone with absolutely no PMO, including fantasies. I am very excited to be past the 3 week mark and will continue onto the 4 week mark and onwards. The only way out of hell is to keep on walking through, and that's what I'm going to do on this one.

I am not sure if other guys have felt this way about their reboot. The moment when they know, "this is it, this is going to be my time to change." I have gone through many reboot tries before, but this one feels different. I know enough about the process, I know my body to control how I respond to the changes, and I am going to come out the other end.

I wanted to end with some positives. Briefly about me, I am generally a happy guy, make friends easily, do well with meeting girls, but I feel like my life had been hijacked by my addiction, robbing me of my natural drive to make the most of my life, and I am finally feeling like I am regaining some control in that respect. With the few depressing days, there have also been incredibly productive and exceedingly happy days. To the point that I had to adjust my behavior because I was so unfamiliar with feeling that way. That's when I could feel it, like the first couple of rain drops before the storm, it's coming.

Appreciate you reading my piece, the same stuff, different guy, but we are all brothers out there got a bit lost, but are now trying to find the right path. Good luck and look forward to updating soon.

 

[noises1990]

Hey man! Welcome to the Forum! We're all in this together! Keep posting updates and read from other people journals cause it might help a lot!

Take care and stay focused!

 

[sempervirilis]

Thank you very much noises1990! We are certainly in this together. I plan on posting updates at the end of each of week or as needed, but my goal is for a weekly update. I have definitely checked out other peoples profiles and have certainly been inspired.

Since I am writing on here back to you, will give a brief update ; )

Day 22:

Woke up early with the sun today, feeling ok, but for sure in a bit of a flat line. However, I do feel GOOD about that because it's part of the process, and part of the process that I never allowed myself in the past. Taking it day by day and looking forward to the ups and downs of this whole thing. 22 Days and going strong.

 

[sempervirilis]

Days 20 - 25

These past five days have been highlighted by mood swings, on the bottom half of the spectrum, and general flat line. Some days have been better than others, but overall not the best. I've kept in good spirits by working out, trying to socialize and get out of the house when I'm not doing much. It's been an effective strategy because here I am at Day 25. Everyday forward is a day I've never reached before and this feels like a big win for me. Even with the past 5 days being in the dumps a bit, have not lost any momentum and have even felt a few flickers of desire here and there which make me very conscious to prepare myself for when I do come out of the flat line and sticking to this will be a little more difficult. No desire is easier to handle in regards to PMO when you are being careful about what is happening, but it seems like when that desire kicks back in things could get a little harder...better for sure and so worth the challenge, but harder nonetheless.

I am hopeful and looking forward to getting past the flat line, but it will probably take some time and am ready to keep on enduring through this.

The Workout

For those men who are into fitness or are interested to read what I've been doing for exercise, the gist of it is basically a 6 day a week combination crossfit, with some lifting in between. I break my body up into (1) Legs (2) Biceps / Back (3) Chest / Triceps and hit each group twice per week.

My workout for today will be:

A) Jump Rope            - 10 minutes
B) Overhand Pullups  - 50
C) Underhand Pullups- 50
D) Widegrip Pullups  - 50
E) Bicep Curl              - 3 sets, 3rdto failure (40 lbs)
F) Abdos

Keep up the good work fellas, happy to be a part of this community and part of such a productive movement. Am excited and hopeful for the future and to get out of the flat line period. Look forward to posting 25 - 30 Days soon.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 25 - 30

Still in flat line, but have been seeing shimmers of change here and there in the mornings when I've notice some morning erections coming back somewhat. The most notable change for me though during these past five days has come in my mood. It's been relatively stable, especially compared to days 20-25. And it's been stable on the positive end of the spectrum. Have genuinely felt in a pretty good mood, motivated to socialize with friends, nothing forced, just getting some real satisfaction from being with them and building up some relationships. Energy levels have felt stable throughout the day, whereas before some mornings I would feel dead when I woke up or need to take a nap by 3, these past five days have been just stable.

I understand that the process is not linear, so expecting to kind of go back down, further up and around again.

Workouts have also been continued consistently, and enjoying the extra boost these give as well. I've also given up alcohol about a month ago. Harder in the beginning, but will hopefully pay out dividends big after some more time.

Still going strong into the next set of days, keep up the good work fellas!

 

[sempervirilis]

Days 30-35

Well, these past five days weren?t easy. Felt some pretty low lows, but also some pretty high highs. One day I would feel great about life and where I am and where I am headed, the next down in the dumps and viciously critical of the paths I?ve taken. Made a strong effort to get out and be social with friends, but slightly aware of differing personality behaviors. Feeling a bit off and not exactly like myself.

One of the good things I did notice was an increase in some morning wood activity. Nearly every morning this week there were signs of life, and by day 35 some serious signs of life. Nowhere near where I have been in the past and I know I have some ways to go, but good to feel some natural improvement. Day 35 was a good day, and even though there were some bad days since 30, I am looking ahead to 35-40 in a good light.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 35 - 40

Mood

Some mild mood swings, but generally feeling motivated, good energy, have been professionally very productive and attentive. I have noticed that my empathy has been much more present than before, and also my ability to genuinely connect with others. I am a well mannered guy, parents raised me well, and I know how someone should be acting, and for a long time it was just that for me, 'acting.' This week, I have been able to go much further socially because it wasn't just 'acting' anymore, this was me and how I was behaving felt genuine and real. Is this something other guys have notice as well?

Physical

I have been trying to eat the best I can, stay fit and have been pretty successful on both accounts. As far as libido, I have very little direct desire for women at this point, and that has been frustrating for me as I have been seeing positive benefits in other areas. I will say that it has been 'very little' as in there have been a couple times, brief moments, where someone has caught my attention in a way I haven't felt in a long time, and it gives me the courage to see this all through. At times, I'll feel like maybe PMO isn't the problem, maybe I'm just f&cked, but I know that's bull sh*t fellas!

MW has been progressively increasing since I first started noticing it coming back on days 20-25, becoming present in the mornings, but still not what I have experienced in the past, but feels amazing to know that my biology is responding to this process. Crazy to think about it like that, but it is quite amazing, really.

Overall, happy with the social changes going on, feeling positive, a little frustrated at the lack of desire / libido coming back, but I am sure I am still in some kind of flat line, mood roller coaster, still and need to just give myself time. A few fantasies have come back, and it first I would totally fight the idea (difficult), so now I acknowledge them, accept that I am having one and let it go. And it does go. Before it would have been with my for a while, maybe an hour or so, these have gone as fast as they came and that feels like progress to me.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 40 - 45

Mood: Have been very buoyant the past five days. My mood has been great, less social anxiety, feeling confident. Funny realization that I've been talking with girls much easier and much more fluidly. Noticing people in a different way for sure. Libido doesn't feel lifeless, but I don't feel a strong general drive yet.

Flashbacks: I have been having these odd episodes in the morning, and sometimes during the day where I will remember a scene or photo from porn or life and I can feel my mind trying to start to twist it into some strange fantasy. Not a natural fantasy, but something odd and forced. I have been successful trying to push these out of my mind, but it's frustrating to be getting these at all. I realize though that this is probably just part of the process. I know that it is because some of the 'fantasies' that come back are from ages and ages ago. Things I haven't thought of for a long time, perhaps my mind is trying to air its on dirty laundry so to speak. Frustrating, but I understand it to be part of the process. I won't worry about it.

Physically: Some strong days of MW this week, not everyday, but most days. Still no where near 100% but it seems to be a general improvement (not linear) over time.

Feeling good going into the next set of five days. Something I did notice was I checked my counter and this site far less than I have in past weeks. I would check multiple times a day before, read things, keep myself motivated. I know I still need to, but I felt more in control this week, it wasn't so day by day as it had been in the past. I've got good momentum so far and will stay vigilant and keep at it. I've seen bucket loads of positive changes already and am excited to see how things keep progressing. I am ready for another slip, it can't all be linear, but am hoping that I have set myself up with a solid foundation so far.

All the best fellas.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 45 - 50

Mood: Haven't been getting very good sleep during these past 5 days, but mood has stayed buoyant. Doesn't seem to be as good as the last five days, but there are ups and downs in this process.

Flashbacks: None these past five days, which has been great!

Physically: MW has been very consistent and...hard. Very happy to be feeling this. More life to my sexuality it seems like, the drive has been coming back very subtly. I am noticing it to a small extent, but it seems fleeting. My drive to be social and enjoy being around women has greatly increased and am really having fun with that ; ) Being funny and charming seems to come very easily somehow.

Onwards past the 50 day mark! Am late in writing because I've been around a lot of friends, socializing, having a great time and honestly forgot to. I take that as some progress as well!

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 50 - 55

Broke through the 50 Day mark. Combined summary, mood has been up lately, higher than Day 45 - 50, but not as high as the days before, roller coaster effect I suppose. Still remain very positive and feeling good. Have had the slightest of feelings to go back to some porn related items, very soft drive for these, and kicked the idea right away. Too much good has come to even consider that.

Flashbacks have been a little bit of a problem, but these have shifted to more normal memories rather than strictly fantasy-related flashbacks, which I take as a good sign. It is ever progressing and I can see the layers in the process through how these flashbacks show themselves.

Physically: MW has been back. With a vengeance, this is starting to be paired with some serious sexual drive in the morning, Really appreciated how natural and healthy this has been feeling. Some spontaneous E happening during the day as well, happy about this. General drive towards women has been moving in a positive direction, but still not too strong. Drive for social contact in general has been good, and has been encouraging me to be better to my friends and seek out new relationships. I know the drive for a girlfriend is down the road somewhere.

Can't believe I have made it this far, very happy to be seeing this progress!

 

[positive_beginning]

Your last post was so pleasant to read..Your post gave me an inspiration and hope.
Keep going-life is too good and nice to "even consider that".

 

[fox_hole]

Great to read your progress sempervirilis. Different journeys, but appreciate reading the ways in which you're trying to build a good life.
Good luck!

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 57

Fellas, appreciate the positive feedback, I really do feel like I am making some strides here and it means the world to know others are there with me through this as well.

With that said, I want to come clean about something relapse related yesterday. Well, I suppose my confusion is in that I don't really know if it counts as relapse. Had been feeling all kinds of horny during the day, and when I got back to my place, my friend came over and ended up giving me a hand job.

I feel ok about it because, on paper, it falls into the categories of (1) being with a real partner (2) not being self-stimulating.

I don't feel ok about it because it's just not the direction I want to go in. I was horny as heck, and instead of acknowledging that and leveraging that energy positively, I released that energy with a person I have no intention of ever establishing a relationship with and really feel like I took an easy way out.

I also need to add, am currently living overseas in a really rural area doing development work, not many stunners around lol I keep in touch with the girl I had been dating back home, she's amazing and we've taken a couple trips together, but she lives far away. I am free to date other women, but there aren't many opportunities for that around here...any advice from guys about how to deal with a situation like this? Will be moving back home in less than 9 months, but in the meantime, it's slim pickins'.

I don't want to reset my counter because the relapse was entirely separate from porn / fantasy, but I am aware that hard mode ended with that and maybe that's ok. Maybe with that ending, it can be time to start working towards the kinds of relationships I do want to be having. Boys, I need some advice on this one. What do we all think here???

I want to give an update about how I feel right now because it's interesting:

That all happened yesterday afternoon. Did not lose energy at all afterwards, feel normal today, not high on life like I may have during the porn days, just normal and leveled. I can't believe it really. Usually, I would have a day of super highs and then subsequent super lows, and am curious to see if I have lows that come afterwards. I have read that some guys after beginning a reboot cite that energy after sexual encounters remains more stable than with the draining porn days. So far, this is seeming to be true, at least today. Will write further posts regarding if this changes, otherwise will write on Day 60!

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 57 - 70

How goes it Men,

As I touched on in my last post, Day 57 was the last day of hard-mode for me. Continuing on, I have switched my focus to be on no PM, of course, but also to open myself up to women I am interested in. Not looking at porn hasn't been a problem in a while, I can almost safely say it won't be problem. So now, I want to focus on the re-wiring part.

Socially, I have been on. It's great, my relationships are doing well, I have a new energy for them. Before I would maybe get tired, or anxious, right now my energy will take me through the day to the end, even on more tough or stressful days, and even after putting in a solid workout at around 6 AM each morning. I'm loving this, and as I get stronger physically and mentally I can feel that energy continue. Morning erections every morning, they also come along with some solid desire. Desire to socialize with women and enjoy myself.

My friends are throwing a party tomorrow and I will be seeing a girl I have been talking to lately. I am excited to see her.

Look forward to posting again soon, missed Day 65 because I was busy with work things, but look forward to posting more as time goes on. I am still conscious that I have a ways to go, and I want the benefits to keep on coming so I will continue on this path.

My counter also shows the last time I drank alcohol, and I am proud to say have reached 70 days without this as well. To me, this makes the social prowess and confidence even more exciting, all with no alcohol. All with no need for alcohol. Everything is connected within our bodies and minds, and I feeling a sense of clarity in how I feel because I haven't been aided by drinking when I am with other people. Cool stuff, right?

Talk to you all soon.

 

[Vargulf]

Man I'm in the middle of my first flat-line right now too at about 20 days PMO. I feel shit and know exactly where you are coming from, I have to force myself to go to the gym everyday by almost tripping myself out the door. I'm glad when I get back but geez its a effort. God I hope this flat-line doesn't last much longer, right in the middle of exams too.

I like how resolutely you quit both PMO and MO alone. Knowing how PMO has damaged me so far I'm too disgusted by it to every even go near it again but I'm still wavering with MO. I guess keeping totally busy is the key?

 

[sempervirilis]

Hey Buddy!

The flat lines are the toughest. I had a pretty long one and I can totally relate to what you are going through now. What I did and what I can recommend are to totally focus on giving up all three P, M and O especially during the flat line. Orgasms take it out of you sometimes, men falling asleep after sex and all, but multiply that by 100 if you are already going through a physically and emotionally draining process like this. Giving up PMO altogether will help to deepen the flat line at first, but also get you through it faster. I promise it won't all be terrible, there will be ups and downs, but it's important to just acknowledge the downs and get through them, there will be more ups on the other side ; )

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 72

Had some contact with the girl I am interested in. We were having a great time together and did some kissing ; ) my body responded accordingly, which I am very happy about! As we kept going was feeling some strong desire to keep on going, but as this was our first time even kissing each other, that will have to wait. Excited to continue spending time with her. I usually just post every 5 days, but happy to share some good news.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 75

Generally, things have been good! Energy levels have been consistent, no real need for taking naps in the afternoon anymore. Or even feeling like I needed to, even after busy busy days and an early morning workout. Morning wood has been solid and consistent.

Libido and drive have been a little absent, but the process is ongoing of course.

Feeling positive and just continuing on as usual, but also looking forward to feeling that libido spike a bit, kind of frustrating that it hasn't really hit yet, any advice on this fellas?

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 82

Day 82 of no P or M. Getting up there in the time and very happy when I see that little counter ; )

I have been in solid spirits lately despite some extra stress at work. Morning wood has been consistent. Feeling good, but have surprisingly have fallen back into a bit of a flat line. Much more mild than before of course, but I recognize it. The past few days have been on and off with that, and have had a few older fantasies come back to me which tells me this is just another hill on the way to the promise land. It will be ok, I knew going into this that I would be in a longer reboot than just the 90 days. I see the counter as a guideline, but honestly I just have to keep at it until the changes are fully there and here to stay. It takes work.

I am incredibly optimistic with the great progress I have made so far and happy to continue going forward. Too much has been gained to give up, we will keep moving in the right direction.

 

[LS90]

Libido spikes.. well, how's it going with the girl?  ;D flatlines are.. ough, a mess. I think that for us abusers of porn (early teens starters) times are much more long on that.

Glad to see some boost of morale for you! You're on your way, just keep it going