Here I sit on day 26 PM free. I can't say O free because my wife and I did our thing last Saturday. I tried to perform without the Cialis script the doc gave me, but was unsuccessful. That was my first time taking the pill. I am glad I have it to fall back on and also that I have a loving and supportive wife of 22 years. I didn't realize the cause of my ED could possibly be because of my 20 year porn addiction. I figured it was because I am about to turn 41 and that happens to guys my age. I made the porn connection when I discovered I could still get rock hard and finish to porn but couldn't get hard for my wife whom I have been having amazing sex with weekly for the past 22 years. I really don't understand how after 20 years of porn, why are my symptoms just now surfacing? It was only a couple months ago my problems started but it was also a few months ago that I discovered what I know to be the worst and last stage of my addiction. I actually got the headset for my phone over a year ago and I dabbled in VR porn then but I never immersed myself in it until a couple months ago. Two days a week I have the house to myself and half of them days was spent with PMO. The other days I would race home and have a couple hours before my family got home and that was more than enough time to feed my new and exciting addiction. Usually 4 or 5 days a week I was taking my dopamine levels to ridiculous heights.
I have always believed that the power of our own mind is greater than any addiction if we could just endure long enough to allow the healing process. I am adapting that mentality to my porn issue now. I fought the battle with nicotine and won. I fought the battle with alcohol and won. That one was particularly difficult because I drank every day for 20 years and, without going into to many details, it almost cost me my marriage so I knew alcohol had to go. I haven't had a drink in a year and 10 months. I've always known I had to quit viewing porn because honestly I felt like it was a form of betrayal towards my wife and that should've been enough for me to quit but the high it gave me always drew me back. Now, high or not, I am determined to never view it again because my dick's broke! No amount of porn is worth it if the result now is I can't have sex with my wife. After the fourth time throwing a limp noodle at my wife I went to the doctor. I couldn't stand the though of her thinking she was the reason I couldn't get hard. Everything checked out fine so the only thing that makes sense is the porn. So far my wife has been very supportive and I am grateful. I do however think she would't be so understanding and patient if she knew about my porn addiction. I know some say that part of healing is to divulge the issues to your significant other and that may be the best scenario in certain cases, but I know my wife well enough to understand that would do more damage to her and further delay my healing.
Lets be honest. We as men are very visual creatures. For me, having sex with the same woman for the past 22 years may have put me in some sort of mental rut. My wife has always been gorgeous to me even though she has been through some appearance changes over the years. Hell, she had my 3 kids so I would never expect her to look the way she did when she was 19. I do still work out and try to say in shape mainly because I have always liked the way my wife looks at me when I take my shirt off. Makes me feel good, but I know I have went through some body changes too. For 20 years porn gave my brain such and exciting variety of perfect women. I didn't realize the damage it was causing. My ED problem has only been going on for a couple of months so I do hope I have discovered the cause and corrected it in time. I also hope I'm not so damaged that my recovery time is lengthy. I am only on day 26 since I discovered nofap and the way no PMO can hopefully cure my issue. I was disappointed I wasn't able to perform without Cialis last Saturday. All last week I was hornier then ever. I got morning wood every morning. Hot girls at work or the store got my blood pumping. I wanted to see if my dick still worked without me touching it so I got my phone out and just looked at a non-porn picture of a pretty chick on FB. My junk stood at attention without even touching it. I was sure I was ready for my wife! Then....nothing. I think now it may be a combined issue with performance anxiety and my ugly porn addiction. I did self stimulate myself yesterday, not to the point of orgasm, but to just make sure my soldier still worked. That was my first time taking Cialis and I just needed to reassure myself everything was fine since the medicine has wore off. All checked out.
So here I sit on day 26 and I've got the house to myself all day. I really don't have to fight the urges to PMO too much because I can see the prize that awaits. I have been reading these forums the past several days and the success stories have really boosted my confidence. I do know PMO would've been an awesome way to kill time the next several hours, but I have beat addiction in the past and I know myself well enough that I'm sure I can beat this too. I don't want to rely on Cialis but I am glad it's there while I am hopefully healing because my wife needs it about 3 or 4 times a month. It would be more but we always seem to have a house full of teenagers.
A side note----
When I decided to give up drinking I started going to AA meetings. I'm not entirely confident AA was the reason I stayed sober. They had me believe I needed to keep going in order to stay sober. I stopped going after I received my 6 month sobriety chip for 2 reasons. First reason was because the regulars in the meetings seemed to me like they made going to AA their new addiction. They had to go 3 times a week or they felt like they were failing. My sponsor told me I needed to keep going to stay sober. I didn't share that same feeling. I do text him every now and again to reassure him that I'm still sober. The second reason is what I referred to earlier. I do believe the power of our own mind is bigger than any addiction. In this case, the fact that my dick doesn't work right and I want to continue to sexually please my wife is enough for me to NEED to beat this addiction. There will always be a "good enough" excuse to feed any addiction but we are the only ones standing in our way from true recovery and a happy life. AA teachings suggest to turn your addiction over to a higher power. Well, for me, my higher power is God. I am not an overly religious man but I do believe that God is bigger than any addiction. That has been proven to me. As ashamed as I am of my 20 year porn addiction that only God and myself know about (and now all you people), I have faith that he can fix this for me too. I also believe that God is way closer to us than we realize but that's an entirely different discussion.
I hope to report back as I progress. From what I've read it can be a truly up and down roller coaster. All the success stories suggest there is light at the end of the tunnel and that gives me hope. Feels good to get this off my chest.
-Thanks for listening
I have always believed that the power of our own mind is greater than any addiction if we could just endure long enough to allow the healing process. I am adapting that mentality to my porn issue now. I fought the battle with nicotine and won. I fought the battle with alcohol and won. That one was particularly difficult because I drank every day for 20 years and, without going into to many details, it almost cost me my marriage so I knew alcohol had to go. I haven't had a drink in a year and 10 months. I've always known I had to quit viewing porn because honestly I felt like it was a form of betrayal towards my wife and that should've been enough for me to quit but the high it gave me always drew me back. Now, high or not, I am determined to never view it again because my dick's broke! No amount of porn is worth it if the result now is I can't have sex with my wife. After the fourth time throwing a limp noodle at my wife I went to the doctor. I couldn't stand the though of her thinking she was the reason I couldn't get hard. Everything checked out fine so the only thing that makes sense is the porn. So far my wife has been very supportive and I am grateful. I do however think she would't be so understanding and patient if she knew about my porn addiction. I know some say that part of healing is to divulge the issues to your significant other and that may be the best scenario in certain cases, but I know my wife well enough to understand that would do more damage to her and further delay my healing.
Lets be honest. We as men are very visual creatures. For me, having sex with the same woman for the past 22 years may have put me in some sort of mental rut. My wife has always been gorgeous to me even though she has been through some appearance changes over the years. Hell, she had my 3 kids so I would never expect her to look the way she did when she was 19. I do still work out and try to say in shape mainly because I have always liked the way my wife looks at me when I take my shirt off. Makes me feel good, but I know I have went through some body changes too. For 20 years porn gave my brain such and exciting variety of perfect women. I didn't realize the damage it was causing. My ED problem has only been going on for a couple of months so I do hope I have discovered the cause and corrected it in time. I also hope I'm not so damaged that my recovery time is lengthy. I am only on day 26 since I discovered nofap and the way no PMO can hopefully cure my issue. I was disappointed I wasn't able to perform without Cialis last Saturday. All last week I was hornier then ever. I got morning wood every morning. Hot girls at work or the store got my blood pumping. I wanted to see if my dick still worked without me touching it so I got my phone out and just looked at a non-porn picture of a pretty chick on FB. My junk stood at attention without even touching it. I was sure I was ready for my wife! Then....nothing. I think now it may be a combined issue with performance anxiety and my ugly porn addiction. I did self stimulate myself yesterday, not to the point of orgasm, but to just make sure my soldier still worked. That was my first time taking Cialis and I just needed to reassure myself everything was fine since the medicine has wore off. All checked out.
So here I sit on day 26 and I've got the house to myself all day. I really don't have to fight the urges to PMO too much because I can see the prize that awaits. I have been reading these forums the past several days and the success stories have really boosted my confidence. I do know PMO would've been an awesome way to kill time the next several hours, but I have beat addiction in the past and I know myself well enough that I'm sure I can beat this too. I don't want to rely on Cialis but I am glad it's there while I am hopefully healing because my wife needs it about 3 or 4 times a month. It would be more but we always seem to have a house full of teenagers.
A side note----
When I decided to give up drinking I started going to AA meetings. I'm not entirely confident AA was the reason I stayed sober. They had me believe I needed to keep going in order to stay sober. I stopped going after I received my 6 month sobriety chip for 2 reasons. First reason was because the regulars in the meetings seemed to me like they made going to AA their new addiction. They had to go 3 times a week or they felt like they were failing. My sponsor told me I needed to keep going to stay sober. I didn't share that same feeling. I do text him every now and again to reassure him that I'm still sober. The second reason is what I referred to earlier. I do believe the power of our own mind is bigger than any addiction. In this case, the fact that my dick doesn't work right and I want to continue to sexually please my wife is enough for me to NEED to beat this addiction. There will always be a "good enough" excuse to feed any addiction but we are the only ones standing in our way from true recovery and a happy life. AA teachings suggest to turn your addiction over to a higher power. Well, for me, my higher power is God. I am not an overly religious man but I do believe that God is bigger than any addiction. That has been proven to me. As ashamed as I am of my 20 year porn addiction that only God and myself know about (and now all you people), I have faith that he can fix this for me too. I also believe that God is way closer to us than we realize but that's an entirely different discussion.
I hope to report back as I progress. From what I've read it can be a truly up and down roller coaster. All the success stories suggest there is light at the end of the tunnel and that gives me hope. Feels good to get this off my chest.
-Thanks for listening