Uk65tantra

[cranm329]

Day 14: No PM
2 weeks clear. Good day. I realise that this is going to be a long haul.
Need to focus on self improvement and mindfulness.  :

 

[cranm329]

Day 15:
Wife out this morning. She will take my mobile/cell phone and the modem/router connectors with her as we have agreed and done in the past. This time, I will keep my tablet and read more of YBOP. Another step forward in rebuilding trust and strengthening my resolve.
No interest in looking at P. or getting the excitement or acting like a naughty child, as in the past.
Wonderful hour of intimacy this morning before she went out. Lovely feeling of well-being rather than the old exhaustion after discharge.
Did tai chi at home which seemed to distract from old memories and patterns of behaviour.
Went outside (as recommended in YBOP) and did some gentle manual work. Again refreshing and therapeutic. Decided not to go for a swim....have to be careful with changing rooms where the adolescent imprinting started. Thankful that we didn't have smartphones in the 60s.

 

[cranm329]

Day 16: No PM
Learning to practice what's in YBOP.  Busy day. Plenty of exercise.
Resisted mild temptations. Must not be complacent. Some chaser effect after non-O time together this morning.

 

[cranm329]

Day 17: No PM
Mixed feelings today. Woke feeling very 'interested' but both tired and aching after several days of sports.
No urges. Gardening was a good way of getting outside and burning off some energy.
Awkward incident in sports hall this afternoon. Wife said that my eyes were on others nearby. I did notice them playing racquet sports and exercises but (unlike a few years ago) had no lustful thoughts. She feels nervous that I may be retaining negative behaviours. Difficult to know what your mind is doing when rebooting. Am I just fooling myself? Perhaps the conditioning is so deep that my mind is programmed into using sex ray vision on other people.
Eyes front again! It's early days for this totally clean streak.

 

[cranm329]

Day 18: No PM
Started the day the best way you can IMO. Learning to go slow and experience tantric O.
Driving for most of day so mind occupied.

 

[BigMog]

Good going cranm329. Looks like you?re doing lots of good activities to help with the healing and reprogramming.
I?ve experienced similar situations to the one you described in the sports hall. I find it requires a conscious effort for me to NOT look and also before that an awareness that I might be entering a danger zone where there might be something to see. It?s still a struggle but I guess I try to apply a constant gentle vigilance.
18 Days!-keep at it!

 

[cranm329]

Day 19: No PM
Thanks BigMog for the encouragement.
Great day out in Town with wife. No urges or temptations.
Another wave of regret about marital betrayal through SSA and P. in past. Realise that much of my former problems were rooted in 'I'm not OK; you're not OK' false beliefs. Saw other people, especially men, as threats. The only safe person is a naked one...so I thought. Looked for acceptance in an unhealthy and unnecessary way. It was only when I came to my senses about 5 years ago while on cam/chat sites that I realised that I was dishonouring those that I was watching. Also, I was degrading myself for displaying what is only my wife's sexual property. Wish I had come to my senses and been stronger long ago.
Still, the present (and future) does not hold regret.

 

[cranm329]

Day 20: No PM
Rebuilding trust is more difficult than I thought. Good day out seeing family. No temptations or urges. Feeling tired and depressed. Previously dangerous. It is different now. I will rebuild trust in myself as well.

 

[cranm329]

Day 21: No PM
3 weeks. In emotional shutdown. Guess the neurochemicals are returning to 'normal'.
It would be so easy to go for a dopamine fix. I will not give in. Frankly, can't be bothered and have too much at stake.
Hope the prefrontal damage is repaired soon.

 

[Rex]

Day 21: No PM
3 weeks. In emotional shutdown. Guess the neurochemicals are returning to 'normal'.
It would be so easy to go for a dopamine fix. I will not give in. Frankly, can't be bothered and have too much at stake.
Hope the prefrontal damage is repaired soon.

cranm329,

Don't focus on the withdrawal or any of the other feelings these are only temporary.  These are only temporary distractions that pull your focus away from the real victory you have accomplished which is 3 weeks of being free from PMO.  Keep focusing on the future and staying vigilant, it will get easier and your body and mind will heal and you'll begin to feel better than you ever felt when shackled and chained with PMO.

Keep up the great work, you are doing great!

 

[cranm329]

Thanks, Rex

 

[cranm329]

Day 22: No PM*
Good day after better night but had dreams -> E++ then I touched it so could count as M * but not what I would call a relapse. No associated thoughts or fantasies. Some troublesome memories though. Looks as though my limbic system is screwed as well as the overloaded prefrontal area. Wish I could format my disks if not replace the hard drive.

 

[cranm329]

Day 23: No PM
Great start to the day. Early morning talk led from one thing to 'another'. Must be careful with possible chaser effect. Being 'present' without intention is so different and releasing.
Weather related cabin fever and no sport today. Thinking about it, things have changed because I really don't want a P fix. Will practice tai chi set later.

 

[cranm329]

Day 24: No PM
Further progress with rebuilding relationship bridges. No triggers or urges.

 

[cranm329]

Day 25: No PM
For me, P is the issue not M or O. Avoiding all external stimulation and excessive friction is essential. A 'session' this morning was therapeutic for both. More inner healing. Gradual return to 'normal' response and genuine hope to go way beyond previous experience.

 

[cranm329]

Day 26: No PM
Visiting family so out of the normal life pattern.  Wife asked, on journey, about how I felt when I deliberately lied to her in the past. Realised that I was addicted way back and thought of myself more than her. Child like denial behaviour linked to childhood emotional trauma. An explanation not an excuse. I am very fortunate not to have been divorced.

 

[cranm329]

Day 27: No PM
Tired because of travelling. No temptations or urges. Perhaps the negative brain pathways are burnt out. Feel numb and uninterested in P. Amazing to feel so different by not doing something. Here's hoping that it continues to get better.

 

[workinprogressUK]

I am very fortunate not to have been divorced.

I have no reason to doubt that. Same here. Years spent lying isn't the way to nurture a relationship for long-term success. But your relationship must have a lot of residual strength and strong foundations for it to have survived. Something to be grateful for. Congratulations on your progress so far. 

 

[cranm329]

Day 28: No PM
Thanks WiPUK.
One month free. Unlike last long term commitment to PMO avoidance, this is the beginning of the rest of my life. No more P, not never!
Wife starting to work through her betrayal reactions. Not easy but will give her as much time as she needs.
Tai chi and sport today - helpful distraction and methods of diverting energy.

 

[cranm329]

Day 29: No PM
Another good day. More sexual healing with a relatively short tantric episode this morning. Would have taken longer but both had to go out