A new beginning

[pichaelthompson]

Definitely had some strong urges this morning....I was kind of in a half asleep/half awake state, like dreaming really vividly right before you wake up, when I was having this really sexual dream. I remember contemplating what to do in this dream but before I could do anything I woke up. While I know this is partly out of my control, it has definitely made it harder to deal with these urges because the dream felt so life-like, I was 100% convinced it was reality at the time.

Regardless, I am gunna do the best I can by taking it slow, getting a small to medium sized amount of work done, and continue to calm myself whenever these urges arrive, even when I feel like I don't want to and when they come at the most inconvenient and unexpected times....that's just the nature of the beast.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I don't know what it is about dreams, but they really get me. I've had some romantic  but not sexual dreams this past week. Romantic fantasies seem harmless, but they've usually led me right to relapse. I've been fending off a few more urges today than I was a couple days ago, and I think my fantasizing about those dreams is definitely a part of it.

I think you're right to deal with urges as they come. I'm not very good at that. I think I'll just finish one more task and then take care of them, but then they will have done their damage. I'm going to try to take better care in the moment, just like you said you're going to do. No deadline is worth a relapse, that's something I'm going to try to remind myself.

 

[pichaelthompson]

I've definitely been there before, fantasizing even real life situations for me lead to relapse unless I use it as motivation for action. In my opinion it's okay to 'fantasize' about being with someone if you make sure you are taking actual steps to make it become a reality...otherwise it will just be painful in the end.

That being said, I don't think I'm at that point yet...yeah I'm going to go out and talk to girls but I don't want to rush into anything, just try and be as friendly and true to myself as I can. I'm a pretty shy person so one thing I think would be good is to just try and open up towards people I'm not close with...the worst that could happen is they don't like me and shrug me off, and there's no reason to be needy enough to let that have a negative effect. Feeling not great today, but it's whatever...I think I'm gunna take a couple days off this forum, will check in if anything dramatic happens though. Best of luck to everyone, we got this!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Enjoy the break! The shyness can definitely decrease, I used to be quite shy and I have not been considered shy by anyone I have met in years. Enjoy the forum break

 

[pichaelthompson]

Man, I did not see this coming but I got a serious wave of urges that led to a shameful relapse...I feel pretty down on myself because the whole point of taking a couple days of was to appreciate everything around me, and it seems like I did the opposite. It wasn't full P, but instagram really got me and I know never to go on there again or do anything that'll lead me to going on there. I'm also disappointed it hurt my chances of fixing my PE, as I pretty much o'd in a matter of 5 seconds

I don't want to be dramatic but I've been feeling pretty lonely lately, just haven't been socializing much and feel kind of stuck, like I don't have any positive momentum to get out of my shell. I need to find a different approach instead of just "ignore these thoughts" and get shit done because that won't work %100 of the time....that being said I'm traveling to meet up with a few of my best friends from undergrad in a couple of days so hopefully that will give me the momentum I need, as I haven't found any deep connections in graduate school.

I'm sorry if I bummed anyone out/let down people, I promise I will learn from this and bounce back stronger. I hope anyone reading this will be more successful than I have been so far. Even when I feel confident in my ability to abstain, I will continue to post on this forum for atleast 90 days (probably more), as I now know how quickly things can turn

 

[pichaelthompson]

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change-recovery-from-porn-addiction/rebooting-advice-observations-from-successful-rebooters/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post/

This post (although super long, it's well worth the read) really resonated with me, and I hope to adopt it and commit 100% towards my life vision. All this may seem over the top, but to me that's what works best, I've never been able to really commit to something unless I go all in.

For my last relapse, I used PMO to fill an emotional void that arose after the initial energy boost from building up a small (12 day) streak. Whenever I feel an urge, I will try my best to shift my focus to my priorities (in my first post) that shape my life vision;
- Mentally in a good state, willing to interact with others in an honest lighthearted way. Seeking greater relationships, and having thoughts of intention (that lead to action) rather than fantasizing about relationships. Calming myself down when I catch myself worrying what other people think of me (happens all the time) and telling myself it doesn't really matter as long as you're doing your best.
- Physically improving, Workout as much as possible hope to have a good amount of lean muscle and low fat within a few months. I'm pretty good with this, but always good to have a reminder
- Completely focused on the tasks I have to accomplish musically, every day it is crucial to lock in and focus on improving
- Reframe how I view relationships; I feel like a big reason I want a girlfriend is so I can have sex and rewire myself from my bad habits. I don't think this is the best approach, as a relationship is primarily about sharing yourself with that person: the good and the bad. This is hard for me, but I will direct my energy towards finding a way to do this...it may lead to embarrassment, but regardless will be a valuable learning experience
- Recognize that you will feel like absolute shit at times; sometimes when you least expect it, and could potentially last for extended periods of time. While PMO (or even just MO) may feel natural in these moments, it is only because these pathways are sensitive after years of PMO. It is not natural libido, even if it feels like it. These times are when it is MOST crucial to lean into my vision; reach out to a friend, try to do something kind for someone else, or just remind yourself how tough the music industry is but how it's been your dream to be a professional musician since you were a kid, and channel it into fulfilling that dream.
- I'm going to have a calendar to write when I relapsed and the days I was successful, so I can have a larger picture of my journey outside of the streak counter. While today is day 0, it is a better day 0 than 13 days ago. I'm happy that there's some progress but I know I can do better.

Looking forward to the boost of energy I'm getting from this fresh start, but also anticipating the inevitable void left by years of PMO that I hope to fill in a more healthy way this time around.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks for posting that link: I'll be sure to look at it more carefully when I get a chance.

That's a great list of things to consider moving forward. I definitely know that my problems with PMO come from trying to fill an emotional void. In it's own twisted way, this addiction is our brains' attempt to take care of us. You know, it makes the problems go away for a little bit. But it doesn't fix them, not even close. The thing I'm thinking about now is what I get from my addiction (or what I think I'm getting from it) and then finding more productive ways to deal with that emotional emptiness.

Hang in there: better days are ahead for us!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Sorry to hear about the lapse... I think the vision is a great idea. Something good about reading about others' experiences, even if it doesn't work well is it reminds me of things that have worked.

For example in one of my longer streaks, I found that listening to motivational speakers was really nice and helpful, similar to what you are talking about with a vision, just having something in the future to think about and filling my mind up with good stuff. Some solid people are David Goggins and Zig Ziglar, imo they speak from the heart Ziglar is old school and has an old timey speaking style, but both guys had hard difficult lives and don't just say silly random pump up stuff imo. It's a reminder for me to put more into listening to good stuff like that.

As far as socializing, I can really really relate to the fantasizing about socializing versus actually socializing. I used to fantasize about being social so so so much. I think I wrote a lot about in my journal how real people and real relationships are not perfect like in fantasy but they are so so much better.... so, it's good to spend more time with real people and less fantasizing about it.

I made huge progress in the area of being social (I still have work to do on maintaining more relationships) and can share a few things that have helped me.

1) Activities- Trying several and picking some fun ones. Even if it isn't all that social, just being around people saying hi and bye can be start and help a little. Less social may be a spin class at the gym but at least you get some interaction. More social might be an improv class or a club at school. Also maybe can you leverage your music skills? Like are there music jams open mics or anything? That way you have something you are confident in as backup, you can fall back on playing music/ talking about music.

2)Part of it's mental- I just had this weird idea/ belief that being alone was horrible. Refraining a lone time can help. Like I have my apartment loaded up with interesting books. I had tons of free time today and luckily was able to look at it as like. Oh sick I can read all these books.

Also, realize this is common as hell now a days due to the internet and social media, tons of people our age feel lonely. It's a real bummer but at least a lot of other people probably are feeling the same and would like to hang out.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

2)Part of it's mental- I just had this weird idea/ belief that being alone was horrible. Refraining a lone time can help. Like I have my apartment loaded up with interesting books. I had tons of free time today and luckily was able to look at it as like. Oh sick I can read all these books.

Wow, I like this so much! I often feel bad about being alone, but why should I? It's awesome to get to spend time quietly working on myself and making progress on good projects. I should definitely see alone time as more of treat

 

[pichaelthompson]

@BlueHeronFan: Thanks, I appreciate your continued support! It's really amazing how the addiction can transform in the mind from this horrible thing to such a warm, comforting presence...even within the same day. The truth is, it doesn't really matter what our perception of it is, good or bad; all that matters is doing what is best for present and future selves, %100 percent of the time, no excuses.

@Quitforeverthenwin: Yeah, listening to other peoples stories is super helpful to me too. I've been listening to this Dax Shepherd's (actor, film director) podcast and he mentions all the struggles he's had with drug and alchohol addiction, and how he was never happy even when he had all the money, fame, and opportunity in the world.
- I like the scheduling activities idea; I've been playing basketball with some people from time to time but I'm going to start to try to do it more frequently. I also think I'm gunna schedule chamber music reading (I play violin) parties with alchohol which can be fun lol
- I usually am okay being alone, sometime it just hits me hard because I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of being alone, but I know I am just creating a storyline in my mind that will allow me to feel sorry for myself. I'll definitely try to do better in this area

I feel good today, have been thinking alot about how I define success and what I rely on for happiness. I kind of realized that I am way too dependent on feedback from people and things around me. Like, if I try my best, then I should be satisfied with myself no matter the outcome right? Of course "trying my best" means no PMO, no fantasizing, that's definitely a good start...but it also means so much more; like being compassionate, kind, motivational, funny, while also encouraging others to think outside the box. Right now I am figuring out the best way to do these things (and more), but I must remind myself to never give up. The things that happen outside of my control don't even matter though, because every time I try and dont get what I hope for expect out of my effort, I will still be evolving, learning, becoming a stronger and better man. I think if I just focus on becoming a better person in all facets of life, getting over the addiction will be so much easier.

Another random thought...I feel like I will never be 100% confident that I will never watch P again. From a logical standpoint, I will live for another 60 years on average and will have constant access to the internet, with many hardships and depressing times to come. I think reminding myself that I can go back at literally any time scares me just a little bit, in a good, motivational way; Do I want an increasing amount of laziness, complacency, anxiety, and depression? If I choose PMO, that's what I'll have to live with. Hopefully through time I can be 99% confident I will never go back, with the knowledge that it still lingers, even as a tiny spec in the mind

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

I am with you on the "storyline in the head" about being alone. Luckily it is weaker, but I used to have these moments where I'd be perfectly happy then I'd realize omg I haven't been on a date in x months! And immediately feel miserable, it was like a conscious decision.

 

[pichaelthompson]

Had a good last few days visiting old friends out of town....some urges here and there but nothing major. It was good to be able to socialize most of the time I was there, although I think it was also a little bit overwhelming as I haven't been around so many people for such long periods of time. Ideally I would want to just enjoy being around other people, but unfortunately I feel weird at moments when I don't know what to say or do. I'm definitely overthinking it, and I'm going to do my best to not put myself down for it and keep some optimism.

I can feel myself wanting to fantasize as a 'reward' for being around friends, but I'm going to shut that down...I don't want PMO to be a motivator for me to socialize because that will only limit the potential for deep connection with people. Plus I have alot of work to makeup so it'll be good to get back into the swing of things

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Glad you had a good time with friends! I can relate to overthinking, it does get better for sure though. Yeah, good to recognize the pmo as a reward mindset is obviously one to be aware of and work to change.

 

[pichaelthompson]

Thanks! While I still am overthinking as much as I usually do, I am able to easily recognize it and be like "oh thats not a big deal." Hopefully that will lead to results in being more present (especially around people) but I am not going to push or expect anything.

Another decent day, did some rowing/stair-stepper which was a little tough because I haven't worked out in a week and drank alot this past weekend, felt a good kind of sore and pushed through the rest of the day. I'm trying to adopt this concept I learned in meditation of relaxed focus through tapping into my innate self....so often I feel like I pressure myself to "create" relaxation and happiness through will or effort, when in fact I think that is best achieved by subtracting. Deep, calm focus is a quality humans have relied on to survive and thrive for thousands of years; we are biologically fine-tuned to it at our core. All it takes is letting the distractions, urges, and unpleasant thoughts drift away (and moving away from habits that distort reality such as PMO)

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Great stuff! I think just noticing thoughts and bad tendencies is huge! It's like a main premise of mindfulness and actually gives me pleasure. It's cool to start worrying and be able to recognize it and stop it.

Ditto on the focus, I am really putting a lot into avoiding cell phone checking, only checking it proactively, planning to check it in chunks. That is huge for focus imo.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Keep it going, man! Glad you're sticking with it.

Another huge vote in support of mindfulness. I've been working on understanding my feelings more lately, especially anxiety and worry. I've been a lot more nervous lately than I remember being before, and I definitely think it contributes to addiction. So I've been trying to take better care of that.

Have a great weekend!

 

[pichaelthompson]

Thanks y'all, the continued support from y'all is definitely helping me out!

Today felt pretty good...while I wasn't as productive as I hoped I felt alot lighter and easygoing than I usually do, more social with people and didn't really feel weird being in public like I usually do. I think a big contributor to this has been from meditation, the lesson I learned today is not controlling thoughts, but letting them naturally flow from one thing to the next. Also, I realized that there will always be a part of me that cares what other people think of me, but at the same time I'll never REALLY know, and there's no point in speculating as their opinions of me are as much a reflection of themselves than it is of me....I felt really relieved most of the day not having to try to "not be weird" and just let things happen more naturally, things seemed more random in a pleasant way!

I also realize alot of the things I say are variations of the same concept from my previous posts, but I think it's helpful in a therapeutic way to restate and reinterpret your ideas, giving it fresh life and helping clearly define your goals.

Urges have decreased, but am aware that this is a looooong process so will not be suprised if they come back with a vengeance in the future...either way, I'll be ready.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Great stuff! Yeah, writing the same stuff is actually a great thing imo. The mind forgets so easily, repeated over and over helps me always.

Funny, I think meditation is soooo the best. I am having similar insights and credit it to my meditation which I have done much much more off. Like noticing when my mind is out of wack instead of thinking my thoughts are real. Meditation is the best and soooo key.

 

[pichaelthompson]

For sure, meditation is awesome! Especially when you could find ways to directly apply it to situations in the real world

Another day, feeling okay I guess. I know this sounds ridiculous but a rush of dopamine hit when I saw an instagram girl in the autofill of my google search bar when searching for something else, so I just cleared all my search history so hopefully something like that won't happen again. Even if it does, no biggie. I feel pretty sensitive being around women, like I could tell my brain wants to sexualize them but I'm doing a good job just staying cool and collected. Worked out today and plan to play basketball with some friends tomorrow, should be a good time!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all! I've been paying more attention to the rushes of dopamine that hit me throughout the day. I think you did the right thing to clear it out of your search bar and move on. I used to think that the dopamine was okay as long as it was porn, but that dopamine rush always leads me to relapse if I don't take it seriously. So it's actually super awesome that you recognized it and took action. Yeah, we're trying to quit PMO but means going earlier in the process and recalibrating our brains' messed-up dopamine systems.

So here's an internet high-five for you!