I guess every form of refuge has its price

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BigMog

Active Member
Hey Jixu, very well done on the 90 Days. Keep it going!

jixu said:
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and I think I know part of the reason for this-people are too embarrassed to come back after lapsing, people are too afraid they are letting other people down if they admit a stumble
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Good observation, yes that?s me! I don?t think I was under the impression I had it all worked out but my latest run of lapses is longer than I anticipated and yes I do feel embarrassed. I will post again in my own thread and like you I encourage others in my position to do the same and stay with the process.
 
A

ArthurMorgan

Member
I relapsed after 90 days but I'm back on it, restarted again and now I'm 105 days in, we just crack on, and keep going, good luck everyone
 
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Jbow

Active Member
jixu, you are doing great.  I was reading your observations,  and you sound like an old pro at rebooting.  I've been here a long time and I fallen more times than I care to count. the important thing is that we always get back up and keep moving forward. I'm afraid the temptation will ALWAYS be there, we just need to figure out how to work around them. just last night I was in bed and a bunch of crap went through my mind,  and if I wasnt committed to getting better, I'd still be in bed surfing the waves of desire.  stay strong and I want to thank you for your support you have given me on my journal. I have a saying I learned several years ago, IN THE BEGINNING,  ALWAYS THINK OF THE END. I know that's kind of random, but when I get the urge to look at that crap I've relied on for 3 plus decades, that saying helps me a lot.
 
J

J01

Guest
Thanks JBOW for your encouraging words and the wise articulation of the battle we face.  You are right-we have to keep moving forward, no matter what.  The urges like you mentioned are not only daily but often hourly, and that is why to me everybody is really in some way at Day 1- we all have to make it through today, regardless of what the length of our "streak" might be.  Thinking of the end, thanks again! 
 
workinprogressUK

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
You're absolutely right, jixu. Every day is like day-1. No reason to think we won't continue to get cravings and temptations, having swamped our brains with P for som many years. I walked into my home office this morning and i got a pin-prick fast message in my head that it would be good to look at P instead of working today. I still get them most days and whenever I have to do something that I don't want to. I think I'm going to continue to get those little "zaps" from my "automatic brain" for a long time to come. We all start fresh every day.

Great to see you continuing to make progress. Wishing you strength.
 
J

J01

Guest
120 Day Clean

No matter what stage you are at, even if you are 5 minutes clean, make a new commitment today-now-and keep going.  Do not give up.

Will be out for awhile-take care! 
 
J

J01

Guest
Thanks for the encouragement allforone and wip.  Best wishes and keep going-it is worth it!
 
B

BigMog

Active Member
120 Days. Nice work Jixu. Thanks for continuing to post. It helps the rest of us to see that someone else has managed to make so much progress.
 
J

J01

Guest
133 Day Clean

Dealing with what seems like a series of never ending stress-laden work days!  Getting sustenance, stability, and direction from the Psalms.  Stress is just part of the deal and we must engage it without resorting to temporary false comfort relievers like porn.

Let's all have a clean day today-take care! 
 
J

J01

Guest
I am more or less at 150 days clean.  Based on reading about others, and based on my own experiences, I have discovered a couple of things.

The first item is stumbling.  When we stumble, we have to remember to exercise proportionality.  Don't make light of it, but don't get devastated by it either. Of course, learn what we can from it, but the battle is all about today, right now; we have to continue moving forward. 

Another observation is that we have to deploy preparation and intentionality.  We have to prepare our minds for what we will do when the situation or scenario arises. If we don't firmly resolve to look away ahead of time we will be lost when we are in the midst of the trigger.    For example, when we go to check the score from last night's ballgame, we know ahead of time that stuff can come up from the side, such as "top 10 hottest wives of the players" or whatever.  We can not always avoid this type of stuff, but we have to have told ourselves ahead of time that we wont go for it.  I guess it really comes down to intentionality-what am I really pursuing at this gym, library, web site, etc.  We have to be honest about it and watch out for self-deception.

The porn site does not care about your streak; whether it is 3 days or 3 years, we will be most readily welcomed to visit.  That is why I have come to the conclusion that it is really day 1 for us all-and today we will be clean!

 
L

Lero

Guest
jixu said:
Another observation is that we have to deploy preparation and intentionality.  We have to prepare our minds for what we will do when the situation or scenario arises. If we don't firmly resolve to look away ahead of time we will be lost when we are in the midst of the trigger.    For example, when we go to check the score from last night's ballgame, we know ahead of time that stuff can come up from the side, such as "top 10 hottest wives of the players" or whatever.  We can not always avoid this type of stuff, but we have to have told ourselves ahead of time that we wont go for it.  I guess it really comes down to intentionality-what am I really pursuing at this gym, library, web site, etc.  We have to be honest about it and watch out for self-deception.
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I definitely subscribe to this idea. Maybe I've been doing something like this too. In my case, it manifests like a disgust for porn and anything related. When I see stuff like that, I feel that disgust and say: "No, get the fuck out of my face! I know what you're trying to do but I'm done with this. I've other business here, not to fucking click on you!" Creating this mentality is a very powerful too. "I will check some websites cause I need to find out something but, if something pops up, I don't give a fuck."
 
H

hope2reboot

Member
Yeah definitely agree! We gotta hate this crap for what it really is. Soul and joy destroying lies. Wants nothing but to destroy us and ruin our lives. Congrats jixu on the 150. I agree everyday is like day one and the more day ones we can put together back to back the more our minds will heal up.
 
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idunno

Member
Good job jixu. I like your thoughts on intentionality. The same goes for me with women I see around. Just yesterday, dropping off at school. I realized my attention was "over there," towards a certain woman who I've often wanted to leer at. I then asked myself -- of all the 360 degrees of places to direct my attention, why am I lingering over there? I was able to cut it off at that point. Then I try to just move on, not beat myself up over the strong urge to stare. Anyway, happy to be progressing with you and all the other folks here.
 
J

J01

Guest
Lero and Hope2, thanks for the comments and encouragement!

idunno, that is something, isn't it?  Just being away from the screen does not guarantee a smooth ride-potential triggers are basically everywhere!  Let us continue to resolve in our minds what we will do beforehand! 
 
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BigMog

Active Member
Well done Jixu,
Yes I agree with your comments about intentionality. When I?ve been clean for a while I kind of forget I?m in this battle so get caught out by triggers. I guess I need to constantly be preparing and reminding myself of what I?m going to do in any triggering situation.
Keep up the good work!
 
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J01

Guest
BigMog, thanks for the encouragement.  You are so right-sometimes we can stumble even when things are going pretty well and we let our guard down.  What a crazy battle!
 
L

Lero

Guest
jixu said:
BigMog, thanks for the encouragement.  You are so right-sometimes we can stumble even when things are going pretty well and we let our guard down.  What a crazy battle!
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There is a big risk for this when things are going well because of letting the guard down. "I can handle it now, no problem". We have to be careful.
 
J

J01

Guest
  175 day recap, includes a stumble

I have been here for about 6 months now and have been encouraged by the brute honesty and dedication of people here improving their lives.  On day 173 I had a 2 minute "session" so to speak and a 1 minute session the following day.  So, I had 3 minutes out of 175 days.  That is good on paper, but, while the goal is reduction, the real goal for me is complete eradication.  I feel more disappointed in myself as opposed to despondent-what a knucklehead !

The days pass quickly once you get going.  However, I have always viewed the days as simply being yesterday, today, and tomorrow-those are the only three that really matter. 

It is all about the thought life-where does your mind go at rest?  This is the key, and being off-screen does not guarantee victory (but it sure helps).  My stumble was precipitated by playing around, by "dwelling" on perfectly harmless material, even just something like a small facial picture of someone or a "concentrated glance" at a stranger on the street. Viewing is one thing, but dwelling and letting the mind run wild is another.

Ok, enough talk-back to the fight.  Regardless of our streaks, let's be clean today everybody.



 

 



 
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