Starting again

K

kenny

Member
Appreciate it man.
Well.. I am continuing to learn about myself and try to figure out why I have these fantasies. Sometimes it's hard to go back to those moments when these things first began. 
And yes, I don't think it matter what you might see on the surface.  Human beings will compensate on the outside to make up for what might be happening on the inside.  I don't know everything about how it works, but I do know that many people would never expect it from me lol
But it doesn't matter what people expect.  Everyone is unique. 
Anyways, I will continue to dig into myself.  This has actually become very interesting to me as I am becoming more and more aware of certain ways that I have been acting based on past experiences.  Now that I am aware, I am gaining more power into being able to stop certain habits or change them.

I will watch for your posts.
 
M

MaterDeiOraProNobis

Guest
kenny said:
Appreciate it man.
Well.. I am continuing to learn about myself and try to figure out why I have these fantasies. Sometimes it's hard to go back to those moments when these things first began. 
And yes, I don't think it matter what you might see on the surface.  Human beings will compensate on the outside to make up for what might be happening on the inside.  I don't know everything about how it works, but I do know that many people would never expect it from me lol
But it doesn't matter what people expect.  Everyone is unique. 
Anyways, I will continue to dig into myself.  This has actually become very interesting to me as I am becoming more and more aware of certain ways that I have been acting based on past experiences.  Now that I am aware, I am gaining more power into being able to stop certain habits or change them.

I will watch for your posts.
Click to expand...

Finally found your journal. Wow man, you have sex a lot! I'm glad to hear you've been learning things about yourself. It's interesting to find out what makes your own self tick. Keep going!
 
K

kenny

Member
DAY 57

Last night was one of the more difficult ones I have had since this journey began.  I have taken away this habit of mine of 23 years. I haven't PMOd, I haven't looked at P, and I haven't even MBd at all.  The girl that had triggered the insanity inside of me told me that she is not interested in dating me any further.  I am ok with it, and understand that it just won't always work out my way. I can now see that I really wanted to tap into the potential fantasy world (That I used to find through P) that she had opened up as a potential. What a test this has been. To go on a couple dates with a girl and for her to openly tell me that she is into ALL THE THINGS that I used to get through P. (without me asking her)  Considering I haven't been giving myself those crazy dopamine rushes for 56 days now, I think I was really craving that potential with this girl I barely knew, and it was eating at me. I wanted to get those feelings back, but I do believe that this result is the best. 
So last night when I got the message from her that she didn't want to date anymore, all of a sudden some urges came up to the surface.  I wanted to go back to looking at some P. I wanted to pull my phone out and do something.  I did NOT do it though as difficult as it was.  Instead, I watched a tv show and eventually went to bed. 
I will continue to push my way through all of this. I will continue to learn about myself every single day. I will continue to stay away from P and MB (PMO), I will continue to use my willpower muscles and grow them to be strong.  57 days, and this is really only the beginning of the journey. I am excited to see who I become as I grow stronger and continue to battle the urges when necessary. 
I am excited to look at women in a different way, and to be turned on by some simple touches and the smaller things.  It has already been happening more and more, but let's see where this leads.
Thanks again everyone for the support so far.  I can surely say that I would likely not be at 57 days if it weren't for some encouragement and opinions from many of you.
 
K

kenny

Member
Day 60.

This is the longest that I have ever gone without PMO AND/OR MO. 
Guys, this is making a huge difference.  I know it's different for everyone of course, but I had a girl over last night and it was not a problem whatsoever.  I didn't need anything special from her, like for her to fulfill some fantasy of mine. Don't get me wrong though, I would still like to do some different things in the bedroom, but all I needed was the simple things.  It was just making out and touching etc and I was hard as a rock and able to perform.  I may have been a bit too sensitive if anything.  This is after 59 days of not looking at P, and not even MB'ing at all. 

I can only speak from my own experience obviously.  I have tried many different ways in the past.  I would cut out PMO, but I would still MO sometimes, which turned into more than sometimes, which eventually turned back into P..then PMO. 

Having cut out EVERYTHING except for actual sex has made a huge difference for me so far.

 
L

Lero

Guest
This is outstanding progress, man! Of course 60 days make a difference. Keep going.
 
Pete McVries

Pete McVries

Active Member
Outstanding progress, congratulations!

kenny said:
I can only speak from my own experience obviously.  I have tried many different ways in the past.  I would cut out PMO, but I would still MO sometimes, which turned into more than sometimes, which eventually turned back into P..then PMO. 

Having cut out EVERYTHING except for actual sex has made a huge difference for me so far.
Click to expand...

This is exactly my experience as well. Keeping MO always lead back to more MO and eventually porn. Cutting out everything is the way to go. At least in the first months maybe even a year.
 
K

kenny

Member
Day 64.

Going to keep this post simple.
I am just so glad that I am continuing to stick to this plan.  I have battled many moments, and I have had some crazy thoughts, but gaining control of my thoughts and emotions and not letting those thoughts and emotions control me....  it's bliss.  I feel like this is the right path to rebuilding myself into the person that I want to be.

I recommend to anyone to learn the science behind how and why your body and mind work the way they do.  Learn about habit, and learn about how your subconscious get's programmed at an early age.  Once you learn about these things and are aware of them, you can then begin working backwards and unlearning these programs and eventually inserting new and more empowering programs in place. 
If you continue to think that you are doomed and that you will never change... you will subsequently hold onto that belief and it will be true in your life.
You have the ability to change. 
 
K

kenny

Member
70 Days complete.

After these 70 days of No PMO, no P, no MO, no MB at all (only the real thing), I am feeling more confident in the bedroom. Everything is working much better than it used to. So this is really working. 
On the other hand, I am feeling a bit crazy lately. I am getting really big urges.  I have clearly decided not to do any of the above mentioned things, so I am beginning to notice how I am trying to compensate by really going out and hunting for sexual experiences.  The addiction lies in the dopamine rush to the brain during release. That is the core of it.  So I am happy that I am not taking the easy way at least by going online and getting that feeling with a few clicks, but the intensity of me wanting that feeling right now is at a high point. 
I will continue to hold strong and stay away from all P and MB, but now I have the next thing to work on...  learning to control this feeling, and not just going out and using women to get that feeling. (after all, that is the only way I am allowing myself to get it now) 
Especially if I get rejected by a girl, or if I am feeling bad about something.... I am noticing that I begin reaching out to more girls to get that attention.

Anyways, I am proud of myself for reaching this point. I have come a long way.  I now need to grow even more and learn how to control these urges that I am getting without using anyone.
 
K

kenny

Member
Day 78.
Having some incredible urges lately.  But ultimately still holding strong. Was driving home yesterday and got caught up in some thoughts and had to calm myself down.
I am getting turned on almost everywhere I look lately...   
Will only allow the real thing. Will continue to avoid all P and MB. 
I am making it through... but damn.. I am going a bit crazy.
 
L

Lero

Guest
Damn, man, your brain is really screaming for the fix but fuck that! Your mind is not your friend now. You have to look from outside with your soul. You know that you should not follow the mind.
 
K

kenny

Member
Day 86.

Still no PMO and no P. 
I was messaging with a girl the other day and it got really intense which lead me to MB (for the first time since these 86 days began).  I am ok with it, but I do know that it can potentially lead to more. I know it's a slippery slope. 
So I am continuing to move forward still not looking at any P and will continue to avoid MB/MO as well.

I do also find myself going on these kinky dating websites and apps in search of women with similar interests to me.  I am definitely more aware now of how much these impulses and urges used to control my life before.  Of course I used to just open up my phone and go find the videos and images that I wanted to see and it was done.  I won't let it go there again.
3 months ago my main issue was that I had minimal confidence when I was in bed with a girl.  Now I feel confident that I will get hard and that it will work just fine.
Now I just have to work on controlling myself when it comes to looking for real sex. If I don't get any action for a week or 2.. I am going and finding a girl. 
I am in a better spot than I was at the beginning of this journey for sure, but now that the layers are peeling away, I can see that I have more things to work on below the surface of all the P I was watching! 
 
K

kenny

Member
Day 130.

It's been 44 days since I last wrote a journal post on here.  I am happy to say that I am 130 days in, and I still haven't looked at any porn.  I have definitely had a few close encounters, and I have found myself stumbling through some images on Instagram or online that begin to blur the lines a bit, but ultimately I haven't looked at any P vids and Mb'd.  I have looked at a few stories online, and I have MO'd probably 6 or 7 times in total over the course of the 130 days.  I am learning to not get upset with myself, and to just stay the course.  Progress is progress, and we should not expect ourselves to change overnight. 
I am now quite confident that I can battle any urges that I have.  There are some that I find are much worse than others, but I am still sticking to my plan.  Although I am MO'ing once in a while, I am being very careful to not allow it to be a habit.  If I do it one night, I DEFINITELY feel like doing it again the next day, and the next night etc.  I am understanding that impulse and the urge to get that good feeling again... because why wouldn't I want that feeling?  The difference is now I know what that feeling is.. I am hyper aware of it and therefore I don't just give in to it.  If I MO one night, I will typically wait a week or two before considering doing it again, even though I end up having to battle the urges often during that week or 2. 

I have had sex occasionally during these 130 days, and the longer that I have stuck to this plan, the better things have gotten.  My confidence is at a completely new level that I haven't really felt in so many years.  After going this far in the journey, it just seems ridiculous to go back to where I was before.  I still want to look at videos, and I still want that amazing feeling .... but I just can't justify getting stuck in a rut again. There is no need for it.  I would prefer to really use my willpower and control myself, limit myself, and be mindful of this. Then when an opportunity arises with a beautiful woman, my confidence will be there. The control will pay off again and again as it has already.

All of my fetishes, desires, and crazy kinks have definitely not gone anywhere.. those all still exist, and they exist just as strong as they did before.  I am just choosing to come to terms with it and I am going to be open about it with women once I have found some comfort with them. It's the real thing or nothing at all.

So to end this post... I have come a long way... if there is one thing that I have taken out of this journey so far, it is this:  The thoughts and the urges eventually subside, but it's not as if they ever actually go away. We have instincts and it's human nature to want to feel good and especially release seed. It's all about strengthening your soul, your willpower, your confidence, and your ability to make a choice that aligns with what you REALLY want.    DON'T WISH IT WERE EASIER... WISH YOU WERE BETTER.  If you aren't growing, you are dying.

 
K

kenny

Member
Day 157.

It's been 27 days since my last post and 157 days in total.  I still haven't PMO'd.

I am now dating an amazing girl that works across the street from where I live.  I am at about 90-95% confidence and feeling fantastic in the bedroom.

What else can I say other than .. it works.    Control it, or it will control you.  Once you learn how to control it and not let the urges take you over.. you will be going down the right path.

After 4-5 months, I am feeling like I am in a fantastic spot.  I will continue to press forward and be aware.  I still have urges ...  just like before.  I just understand it better now. I own it.

Moving forward. I'll update again soon enough.

Good luck everyone.
 
M

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Congrats Kenny! You are a living, breathing example of somebody turning this shit around. Great job.
 
Pete McVries

Pete McVries

Active Member
Well done, kenny! You've come a long way and you accomplished a lot. Continue walking that path and (more) good things are bound to happen!

I can relate a lot to the confidence. When I started having sex (again) I was so anxious and self-aware about my erections. Nowadays I don't even check them anymore because it has worked every single time. My performance anxiety has completely vanished and I can just enjoy the sex without worrying about my ED. That is a fantastic feeling.

All the best!
 
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