Pete McVries
Active Member
Keep going, you're on the right path! Glad to read about your sucess. Similar things happened to me 
Starting again
- Thread starter kenny
- Start date
On Day 25 now.
I am 100% staying away from PMO and MO.
I had a date last night. Out for dinner, then just making out a lot back at my place. She eventually left and therefore I was left absolutely on FIRE. Talk about a challenge.. I wanted to do SOMETHING for myself like you wouldn't believe. The urge was as strong as maybe it's ever been.. literally.
But I am sticking to my guns on this. So I didn't do anything. I laid there in bed half laughing and half moaning/wimpering for a while before eventually falling asleep. What I do know is this: my connection with women is better. I get hard now when just touching or making out with a girl. My intensity and passion are starting to fly through the roof. This is just 25 days in. This is worth it. Again.. I know I am not healed yet. After 22+ years of PMO, my brain has not changed enough yet after only 25 days. But my point is I am already feeling a huge shift. I am enjoying it. I feel WAYYYY more confident. I can only imagine how I might PERFORM and FEEL after 6 months, 9 months or more. And another thing that I do know... I want to find out what it's like in that future. I already know what it's like to be on PMO etc for years. So I want to explore what life is like without it. I want to find out who I will become. What I will be capable of, and most importantly, what types of relationships I can build with others as well as myself when I am not doing any PMO.
Anyways. Again. Very thankful for this community. Now onto day 25. NO PMO. NO MO. ONLY THE REAL THING WITH A REAL GIRL when those situations arise. Re-training and re-wiring my brain.
I am 100% staying away from PMO and MO.
I had a date last night. Out for dinner, then just making out a lot back at my place. She eventually left and therefore I was left absolutely on FIRE. Talk about a challenge.. I wanted to do SOMETHING for myself like you wouldn't believe. The urge was as strong as maybe it's ever been.. literally.
But I am sticking to my guns on this. So I didn't do anything. I laid there in bed half laughing and half moaning/wimpering for a while before eventually falling asleep. What I do know is this: my connection with women is better. I get hard now when just touching or making out with a girl. My intensity and passion are starting to fly through the roof. This is just 25 days in. This is worth it. Again.. I know I am not healed yet. After 22+ years of PMO, my brain has not changed enough yet after only 25 days. But my point is I am already feeling a huge shift. I am enjoying it. I feel WAYYYY more confident. I can only imagine how I might PERFORM and FEEL after 6 months, 9 months or more. And another thing that I do know... I want to find out what it's like in that future. I already know what it's like to be on PMO etc for years. So I want to explore what life is like without it. I want to find out who I will become. What I will be capable of, and most importantly, what types of relationships I can build with others as well as myself when I am not doing any PMO.
Anyways. Again. Very thankful for this community. Now onto day 25. NO PMO. NO MO. ONLY THE REAL THING WITH A REAL GIRL when those situations arise. Re-training and re-wiring my brain.
Day 31. (Finished Month #1)
Doing just fine. Yes I have some urges and some pretty crazy thoughts. But I am understanding that that is just what they are... urges and thoughts.
My body is still probably wondering where the F*ck those chemicals are that it's been used to for so many years, but I am going to move past all of this. I am going to begin thinking greater than I feel, and not allow the feeling to be the means to my thinking. I will continue to go one day at a time.
I have some very strong reasons as to why I am doing this, such as being in control of myself, having better levels of testosterone, feeling like I want and need to be with a woman, being able to perform to the highest levels in bed with women. THOSE REASONS are more important than getting a quick fix on my own. I know if I get a quick fix on my own, it can, and likely will lead down a path of me justifying how I can do it once in a while, and then a little more often. I will continue to keep my reasons (My WHY's) locked into my mind.
Anyways, on with my day.
Doing just fine. Yes I have some urges and some pretty crazy thoughts. But I am understanding that that is just what they are... urges and thoughts.
My body is still probably wondering where the F*ck those chemicals are that it's been used to for so many years, but I am going to move past all of this. I am going to begin thinking greater than I feel, and not allow the feeling to be the means to my thinking. I will continue to go one day at a time.
I have some very strong reasons as to why I am doing this, such as being in control of myself, having better levels of testosterone, feeling like I want and need to be with a woman, being able to perform to the highest levels in bed with women. THOSE REASONS are more important than getting a quick fix on my own. I know if I get a quick fix on my own, it can, and likely will lead down a path of me justifying how I can do it once in a while, and then a little more often. I will continue to keep my reasons (My WHY's) locked into my mind.
Anyways, on with my day.
Day 36.
Gonna make this a quick and simple update.
Have finished 35 days in a row now with no P and no MB. (No PMO) Have had sex (release) on 3 occasions during this time. I am feeling the best I have ever felt.
There is a book that I think everyone should read. I am about halfway through it and it has already become a life changer for me. "BREAKING THE HABIT OF BEING YOURSELF" By Dr. Joe Dispenza. It talks about the science behind change, habits, conscious brain vs unconscious brain (the body) and how to think greater than how you feel.
Anyways, who am I? I am only 36 days in.. 10% of the year. The journey has only just begun.
Gonna make this a quick and simple update.
Have finished 35 days in a row now with no P and no MB. (No PMO) Have had sex (release) on 3 occasions during this time. I am feeling the best I have ever felt.
There is a book that I think everyone should read. I am about halfway through it and it has already become a life changer for me. "BREAKING THE HABIT OF BEING YOURSELF" By Dr. Joe Dispenza. It talks about the science behind change, habits, conscious brain vs unconscious brain (the body) and how to think greater than how you feel.
Anyways, who am I? I am only 36 days in.. 10% of the year. The journey has only just begun.
Day 43.
Still no PMO or MB at all.
Met a girl recently. 2nd date she opened up to me about the sexual things she is into and it's the first time in my life that it matches exactly with what I'm into. My brain has almost instantly exploded along with my heart and now I feel like I am going crazy. Seriously.
I haven't touched myself in 42 days, and this girl is into all the things that I had been watching during almost all PMO since I was 15. And I didn't have to try and get that information out of her... She was the one who opened up about it to me because she wanted to get that out in the open. So I'm not sure what I am feeling now or what I am doing. But this girl has my heart in shambles, and it must have some to do with these fantasies that I've had for so long that she openly told me she is into. Over the last couple days, I am unable to focus on anything else but this. I feel like a crazy person right now and I'm not sure what to do. I am meditating and doing my best to get myself out of these emotions.. but it's so difficult especially since she basically told me that she LOVES all the sexual things that I have been into for 22 years.. WITHOUT ME SAYING anything to her.
I know this is a strange thing to be writing.. but I just need to get this out in the open to someone.. anyone. I wrote her after our 2nd date and she said she had a great time and that next time we see each other .. etc etc etc. So it sounds good .. like we will go out again, but it's not stopping my mind from fixating on her.
Again.. I just needed to write this out and let someone hear it. I am not sure what advice anyone could really offer in this situation but I could use something..anything.
I've only gone out with her 2 times and yet I am telling myself that I want to be together with her.. and I don't want to think about any other girls at all. I am not sure how healthy this is. I don't want to go back to any old habits of mine. This girl has me thinking about her and the sexual potential every minute almost..
Thanks for listening.. to anyone who read this...
Still no PMO or MB at all.
Met a girl recently. 2nd date she opened up to me about the sexual things she is into and it's the first time in my life that it matches exactly with what I'm into. My brain has almost instantly exploded along with my heart and now I feel like I am going crazy. Seriously.
I haven't touched myself in 42 days, and this girl is into all the things that I had been watching during almost all PMO since I was 15. And I didn't have to try and get that information out of her... She was the one who opened up about it to me because she wanted to get that out in the open. So I'm not sure what I am feeling now or what I am doing. But this girl has my heart in shambles, and it must have some to do with these fantasies that I've had for so long that she openly told me she is into. Over the last couple days, I am unable to focus on anything else but this. I feel like a crazy person right now and I'm not sure what to do. I am meditating and doing my best to get myself out of these emotions.. but it's so difficult especially since she basically told me that she LOVES all the sexual things that I have been into for 22 years.. WITHOUT ME SAYING anything to her.
I know this is a strange thing to be writing.. but I just need to get this out in the open to someone.. anyone. I wrote her after our 2nd date and she said she had a great time and that next time we see each other .. etc etc etc. So it sounds good .. like we will go out again, but it's not stopping my mind from fixating on her.
Again.. I just needed to write this out and let someone hear it. I am not sure what advice anyone could really offer in this situation but I could use something..anything.
I've only gone out with her 2 times and yet I am telling myself that I want to be together with her.. and I don't want to think about any other girls at all. I am not sure how healthy this is. I don't want to go back to any old habits of mine. This girl has me thinking about her and the sexual potential every minute almost..
Thanks for listening.. to anyone who read this...
Hi Kenny
I?m new to this too, and I?m only on my day 17, so I?ll give my opinion but with no real experience in what?s really best in a case like this.
First of all, be honest to yourself?..do you really like this girl, or you just want to have sex due to all the sexual things she is into?....If you really like her and picture yourself in a long relationship, or even maybe married to her, go for it??..but if you don?t and just want to bang her because you want to be able to get in real life what you?ve seen in the porn world, get out right now?.plain and simple.
If she?s into sexual things that are not normal, and probably you won't get from any other girl, that means eventually it will affect your brain, even though it?s real sex
If you never had any issues with Porn, I?ll say go ahead and enjoy, but since you do have a problem with porn and you?re in the middle of a reboot process, I don?t think anything good could come out of this
Best of luck
I?m new to this too, and I?m only on my day 17, so I?ll give my opinion but with no real experience in what?s really best in a case like this.
First of all, be honest to yourself?..do you really like this girl, or you just want to have sex due to all the sexual things she is into?....If you really like her and picture yourself in a long relationship, or even maybe married to her, go for it??..but if you don?t and just want to bang her because you want to be able to get in real life what you?ve seen in the porn world, get out right now?.plain and simple.
If she?s into sexual things that are not normal, and probably you won't get from any other girl, that means eventually it will affect your brain, even though it?s real sex
If you never had any issues with Porn, I?ll say go ahead and enjoy, but since you do have a problem with porn and you?re in the middle of a reboot process, I don?t think anything good could come out of this
Best of luck
Archer. I really appreciate your points. This actually makes a lot of sense. I have no doubt that I want to bang her.. That is a given. I so badly want to have all those experiences that I know we could have together.. BUT, What I need to do is completely take that stuff out of this equation for now.
If/when her and I go out again, I will be clear with her that I want to get to know her more. I want to learn about who she is as a human being, and if a relationship can form, then great. If I can ACTUALLY see myself being with this girl long term, then I will go from there. You are right though, I do have a problem with P, and this is a big reason why this is messing my head up.. I could have the real experience with a girl that LOVES doing the things I love. But I don't want to be hooked into that... The only way this works is if I want to be with her in a real relationship as a human being.
Anyways, thank you again for your response. Greatly appreciated!
If/when her and I go out again, I will be clear with her that I want to get to know her more. I want to learn about who she is as a human being, and if a relationship can form, then great. If I can ACTUALLY see myself being with this girl long term, then I will go from there. You are right though, I do have a problem with P, and this is a big reason why this is messing my head up.. I could have the real experience with a girl that LOVES doing the things I love. But I don't want to be hooked into that... The only way this works is if I want to be with her in a real relationship as a human being.
Anyways, thank you again for your response. Greatly appreciated!
Hi Kenny
All people in this forum have a problem with P?.you, me and everybody else.
You want to give this girl a chance, but you need to ask yourself why?..because you think she?s amazing, she?s cute, very smart, or because you are picturing banging like animals?.....think about this, and you?ll have your answer
If you out with her again, tell her you?re in a reboot process, or if you don?t want to be so specific, just tell her you?re in a no fap campaign and no sex for 90 days?..If she understand and wants to go out again with you, great news?..if she walks away, then she?s not worth it, and could have been very harmful in your reboot process?..
Rgds
All people in this forum have a problem with P?.you, me and everybody else.
You want to give this girl a chance, but you need to ask yourself why?..because you think she?s amazing, she?s cute, very smart, or because you are picturing banging like animals?.....think about this, and you?ll have your answer
If you out with her again, tell her you?re in a reboot process, or if you don?t want to be so specific, just tell her you?re in a no fap campaign and no sex for 90 days?..If she understand and wants to go out again with you, great news?..if she walks away, then she?s not worth it, and could have been very harmful in your reboot process?..
Rgds
Archer. I guess that really is the point eh.
I don't actually know this girl well at all. We have only been on 2 dates. So obviously something has triggered me to go a little bit crazy. And I think there are only a couple things really. #1 is her confidence. #2 is her sexual desires. OTHER THAN THAT I have no idea really about who she is. Maybe just a tiny bit from talking over the 2 dates. The part about her sexual desires I think is the main part that is making me go crazy though.
I have never been dating a girl that has felt this way about the exact things that I have gone crazy about for so many years.
But I believe you are right. I should make it very clear that I like her so far, and that I would like to continue to get to know her but in some way I must let her know that the sex part would only be a bonus if we REALLY connect for real.
I know how dangerous it could be if the main point of our connection is the sex... I need to separate them.
Anyways, it has pulled up a lot of insecurity in me in the last few days. I am so focused on her, and wanting her to text me, and wanting to see her again. I am having trouble thinking about anything else, but I am doing my best to understand WHY I am really feeling like this. And I think it makes sense more now.
I will just continue to meditate, learn, read, grow, and just do my best to be honest with myself.
Again.. I appreciate the feedback and advice. Makes a bit difference to me right now. THANK YOU
I don't actually know this girl well at all. We have only been on 2 dates. So obviously something has triggered me to go a little bit crazy. And I think there are only a couple things really. #1 is her confidence. #2 is her sexual desires. OTHER THAN THAT I have no idea really about who she is. Maybe just a tiny bit from talking over the 2 dates. The part about her sexual desires I think is the main part that is making me go crazy though.
I have never been dating a girl that has felt this way about the exact things that I have gone crazy about for so many years.
But I believe you are right. I should make it very clear that I like her so far, and that I would like to continue to get to know her but in some way I must let her know that the sex part would only be a bonus if we REALLY connect for real.
I know how dangerous it could be if the main point of our connection is the sex... I need to separate them.
Anyways, it has pulled up a lot of insecurity in me in the last few days. I am so focused on her, and wanting her to text me, and wanting to see her again. I am having trouble thinking about anything else, but I am doing my best to understand WHY I am really feeling like this. And I think it makes sense more now.
I will just continue to meditate, learn, read, grow, and just do my best to be honest with myself.
Again.. I appreciate the feedback and advice. Makes a bit difference to me right now. THANK YOU
Pete McVries
Active Member
Yo Kenny, is the fetish you are describing troubling to you? I have developed some P fetishes that don't match my real sexual tastes and they have faded quite well during my period of abstince. I rarely think about them. BUT if I had met a woman who had been into these fetishes early in my reboot, I would have probably gone totally mad, thinking I had cracked the lottery whereas in reality it probably would have drawn me back to porn and porn fetishes. My fetishes have been caused by years of watching porn and escalating, they weren't there in the first place. You should really think carefully about your motivation behind all this and if it's the addiction that causes you to be drawn to her or if you really feel connected to her. I mean, having almost the same sexual tastes as your partner sounds great but are these really your innate sexual tastes or are these your porn fetishes that you can suddenly act out on in real life?
Wishing you all the best!
Wishing you all the best!
Pete McVries. So here is the thing.. I wish I could pinpoint when the fetishes truly began.. but here is the crazy part. I remember thoughts of this stuff going all the way back to being in grade 2. Yes.. Grade 2. Why??? I have no idea. What triggered it? I have no idea.
But I was having these 'weird' thoughts and fetish ideas since then. When I first got a hold of maxim magazines and other similar at maybe 11 or 12 years old, I would fantasize about the same concepts and fetishes while looking at the pics. Again... I have no idea exactly why. Then when P on the internet became available when I was maybe 14 or 15 years old, those same ideas and fetishes are what I consumed... So we are talking 30 years of this line of thought. So when the question comes up about this being my innate sexual taste.. It's a tough question to answer. Where does that really derive from? At the end of the day, I can do my best to unlearn anything that I've ever learned or taken into my subconscious, but when do you really decide what is innate or not? All I know is that it's deeply rooted, and I have a ton of work to do to own it rather than it owning me.
So in this moment, as this girl is telling me about her desires.. my mind goes crazy. I completely lose control of my mind.
Funny thing is.. as I am going crazy.. she might ask me to go out again and we might create a great relationship. In the meantime, the anticipation is eating me up a lot. Anyways, you can likely imagine that this is tearing me up a bit. Part of me wishes that I didn't think of feel any of this, but of course there is another part of me that says, "This is just who you are (since grade 2)" lol. So stick with it and learn how to control it a bit.
Psychology and Neuroscience is fascinating... I am aware of my craziness... but it still feels like craziness.
But I was having these 'weird' thoughts and fetish ideas since then. When I first got a hold of maxim magazines and other similar at maybe 11 or 12 years old, I would fantasize about the same concepts and fetishes while looking at the pics. Again... I have no idea exactly why. Then when P on the internet became available when I was maybe 14 or 15 years old, those same ideas and fetishes are what I consumed... So we are talking 30 years of this line of thought. So when the question comes up about this being my innate sexual taste.. It's a tough question to answer. Where does that really derive from? At the end of the day, I can do my best to unlearn anything that I've ever learned or taken into my subconscious, but when do you really decide what is innate or not? All I know is that it's deeply rooted, and I have a ton of work to do to own it rather than it owning me.
So in this moment, as this girl is telling me about her desires.. my mind goes crazy. I completely lose control of my mind.
Funny thing is.. as I am going crazy.. she might ask me to go out again and we might create a great relationship. In the meantime, the anticipation is eating me up a lot. Anyways, you can likely imagine that this is tearing me up a bit. Part of me wishes that I didn't think of feel any of this, but of course there is another part of me that says, "This is just who you are (since grade 2)" lol. So stick with it and learn how to control it a bit.
Psychology and Neuroscience is fascinating... I am aware of my craziness... but it still feels like craziness.
Day 47.
Not craving P very much. I get the odd thought about it, but I just know I can't go there.
My insanity over the girl (which I mentioned in a couple previous posts) has calmed down significantly. I came to the realization that really the only reason I am going so crazy over her is because she told me very bluntly that she is into all the sexual things I am into. That drove me crazy, especially since I have been off P & MB (PMO) for this long now. There is that part of me that wants to be with her for those reasons alone which I don't think is healthy.
So I have decided to just stop obsessing and just keep doing what I'm doing and be myself. If she wants to hang out again and get to know me, then I suppose I will see where it can lead, but I won't base anything purely on my sexual desires anymore.
Anyways, I am going to continue down this path and avoid watching any P as well as avoid MBing all together. Things are definitely working much better down there already, but I still know I have a long way to go to change my brain.
Not craving P very much. I get the odd thought about it, but I just know I can't go there.
My insanity over the girl (which I mentioned in a couple previous posts) has calmed down significantly. I came to the realization that really the only reason I am going so crazy over her is because she told me very bluntly that she is into all the sexual things I am into. That drove me crazy, especially since I have been off P & MB (PMO) for this long now. There is that part of me that wants to be with her for those reasons alone which I don't think is healthy.
So I have decided to just stop obsessing and just keep doing what I'm doing and be myself. If she wants to hang out again and get to know me, then I suppose I will see where it can lead, but I won't base anything purely on my sexual desires anymore.
Anyways, I am going to continue down this path and avoid watching any P as well as avoid MBing all together. Things are definitely working much better down there already, but I still know I have a long way to go to change my brain.
Pete McVries
Active Member
Seems like you are in your senses again. That's great to hear!
Day 48.
I had a girl over last night. One that I had over to my place on a FIRST date a few weeks ago. I knew I don't want anything from her romantically, but I still allowed for her to come over anyways. It pretty much went just the way I expected it to. I didn't feel any connection or substance to the relationship. I had invited her over PURELY for the sex. I realized as soon as she got here that this wasn't what I want to be doing. I followed through though and spent a few hours with her. We had sex, but it was somewhat underwhelming. I felt nothing much from it other than the beautiful dopamine rush. Nothing in my heart though.
A few posts ago I mentioned that I had gone on a couple dates with this girl that drove me crazy. She bluntly stated a lot of sexual fantasies that she is into that I am fully in alignment with from a young age. So I began going crazy... and what I realized was the craziness that I was having was not LOVE, or SPARKS, or A dire wanting to be with her, but it was pure INSECURITY. As soon as I chose that I would like to date this girl more and get to know her, and especially when I got really lit up by her sexual desires... I started to reach towards her and I began getting a little bit pushy. I realized that I was afraid of losing her before I really even know her.
After maybe only a few hours of not receiving a text back from her, I would find myself getting anxious. My insecurity of her fading away or not being interested began to take over my body - an old habit that has been a part of me for a long time. Even though she hadn't done anything wrong, and in fact, she had shown interest to go on a 3rd date, I was still feeling like "What if she doesn't really like me.. what if she doesn't get back to me"? I do believe that part of this is stemming from my Porn habits and sexual fantasies since such a young age. When this girl brought up the fact that she is really into all the things I am into (without me having mentioned a word about it), it's as if a HUGE TRIGGER was pulled subconsciously inside of me that made me feel like I need this. It's as if my dopamine centres were getting geared up for some good times. I felt like it's just what I need.
I am lucky that this has happened to me, because now I can see and feel the huge insecurity that I have and begin to deal with it properly. I am aware of it, and I am admitting that it exists. This is allowing me to observe the insecurity as a separate entity from myself. Now it's time for me to replace those old shitty habitual thoughts and feelings with new ones. More empowering ones. It's time for me to create more new habits.
I am also done with having mindless sex with girls that I do not have a connection with. It's not good for them, and it's not good for me.
I believe that now I can understand the feeling I get when I am very attracted to someone. I can now be aware of that feeling, and then stay calm and not let my emotions get out of hand with the insecurity and craziness. I can act the way I want to act instead, and control my emotions.
To me, this all ties heavily back into the fact that I haven't watched any P and haven't MB'd for more than 47 days now. I am beginning to learn more about myself. I am able to see my shortcomings and insecurities and fears more clearly now. I am becoming more aware and clear. I am especially realizing that my life is changing in a good way since quitting P, PMO, and MB'ing all together. I am able to consciously direct my life more.
LONG POST.. I know. But I needed to get this out for my own clarity. Thanks for anyone who read, and of course any feedback is welcomed.
Thank you to this community.
I had a girl over last night. One that I had over to my place on a FIRST date a few weeks ago. I knew I don't want anything from her romantically, but I still allowed for her to come over anyways. It pretty much went just the way I expected it to. I didn't feel any connection or substance to the relationship. I had invited her over PURELY for the sex. I realized as soon as she got here that this wasn't what I want to be doing. I followed through though and spent a few hours with her. We had sex, but it was somewhat underwhelming. I felt nothing much from it other than the beautiful dopamine rush. Nothing in my heart though.
A few posts ago I mentioned that I had gone on a couple dates with this girl that drove me crazy. She bluntly stated a lot of sexual fantasies that she is into that I am fully in alignment with from a young age. So I began going crazy... and what I realized was the craziness that I was having was not LOVE, or SPARKS, or A dire wanting to be with her, but it was pure INSECURITY. As soon as I chose that I would like to date this girl more and get to know her, and especially when I got really lit up by her sexual desires... I started to reach towards her and I began getting a little bit pushy. I realized that I was afraid of losing her before I really even know her.
After maybe only a few hours of not receiving a text back from her, I would find myself getting anxious. My insecurity of her fading away or not being interested began to take over my body - an old habit that has been a part of me for a long time. Even though she hadn't done anything wrong, and in fact, she had shown interest to go on a 3rd date, I was still feeling like "What if she doesn't really like me.. what if she doesn't get back to me"? I do believe that part of this is stemming from my Porn habits and sexual fantasies since such a young age. When this girl brought up the fact that she is really into all the things I am into (without me having mentioned a word about it), it's as if a HUGE TRIGGER was pulled subconsciously inside of me that made me feel like I need this. It's as if my dopamine centres were getting geared up for some good times. I felt like it's just what I need.
I am lucky that this has happened to me, because now I can see and feel the huge insecurity that I have and begin to deal with it properly. I am aware of it, and I am admitting that it exists. This is allowing me to observe the insecurity as a separate entity from myself. Now it's time for me to replace those old shitty habitual thoughts and feelings with new ones. More empowering ones. It's time for me to create more new habits.
I am also done with having mindless sex with girls that I do not have a connection with. It's not good for them, and it's not good for me.
I believe that now I can understand the feeling I get when I am very attracted to someone. I can now be aware of that feeling, and then stay calm and not let my emotions get out of hand with the insecurity and craziness. I can act the way I want to act instead, and control my emotions.
To me, this all ties heavily back into the fact that I haven't watched any P and haven't MB'd for more than 47 days now. I am beginning to learn more about myself. I am able to see my shortcomings and insecurities and fears more clearly now. I am becoming more aware and clear. I am especially realizing that my life is changing in a good way since quitting P, PMO, and MB'ing all together. I am able to consciously direct my life more.
LONG POST.. I know. But I needed to get this out for my own clarity. Thanks for anyone who read, and of course any feedback is welcomed.
Thank you to this community.
Pete McVries
Active Member
Seems like you are making real progress. It's great to see your mental growth, you're doing great! I'm happy that you share your journey, it's quite enlightening. I'm super curious to know about your fetish because I think, purely from an objective or scientific point of view, it's very interesting how many varieties are out there. I would love to know what causes them and why some people end up looking at sissy hypno or, I don't know, choose your poison really...
My tastes were very vanilla in the beginning but I developed a fetish that was purely caused by being exposed to porn constantly. It's crazy. At the same time, I dreamed of this fetish to be included in my non existent sex life and on the other hand I feared that it would seize hold of me... I'm happy to say, that the fetish is in the back of my mind and I haven't thought about it for a long time and I haven't dreamed about it either.
Pornhub advertises that you are able to discover your fetishes through their videos where in fact you are being brain washed and become desensitized. But then again, you report that your fetish has been there before porn, so again, I'm very interested to hear about it. But this your journal and the last thing I want to do is cross boundaries or to worm a secret out of you. I'm just thinking loudly!
Counting days for the sole purpose of counting is nonsense but it can be helpful for you and others to see which positive/negative effects happened at which day. At least, that's why I do it. Furthermore, I want to congratulate on fifty clean days, that's huge!
Take care!
My tastes were very vanilla in the beginning but I developed a fetish that was purely caused by being exposed to porn constantly. It's crazy. At the same time, I dreamed of this fetish to be included in my non existent sex life and on the other hand I feared that it would seize hold of me... I'm happy to say, that the fetish is in the back of my mind and I haven't thought about it for a long time and I haven't dreamed about it either.
Pornhub advertises that you are able to discover your fetishes through their videos where in fact you are being brain washed and become desensitized. But then again, you report that your fetish has been there before porn, so again, I'm very interested to hear about it. But this your journal and the last thing I want to do is cross boundaries or to worm a secret out of you. I'm just thinking loudly!
Counting days for the sole purpose of counting is nonsense but it can be helpful for you and others to see which positive/negative effects happened at which day. At least, that's why I do it. Furthermore, I want to congratulate on fifty clean days, that's huge!
Take care!
Thanks so much Pete McVries,
Appreciate your continued responses & Support. Realizing that community, connection and support can make such a huge difference in someones journey.
I do not mind explaining the fetishes whatsoever. It clearly stems from an emotional situation (or more than one) going back to when I was a very young kid, but I have much work to do to figure out where it may have derived from. I have been into femdom and so many related extensions of that topic since I was a little kid. Like I mentioned, I remember having thoughts of these things before I even had a clue about what sex was. So many of my actions throughout all these years have been to experience more of that same feeling/emotion. Pretty much every girlfriend that I have had, I have always worked on directing the situation to appease my fetish in some way. Eventually in my late 20's, I started dabbling in the opposite side of the fetish and eventually found that I enjoyed that as well. Basically using women as an object. But my nature (old habit and subconscious) has been to be submissive for such a long time. So if you can imagine, after all of these years, having dated countless women, having many girlfriends, but always having to pry those things out of the girl. You know.. get her to try some things, see if she likes it, experiment etc. To all of a sudden having a girl state TO ME that she wants me to be aware that she is super into being dominant and then tells me all sorts of examples (without me asking or guiding her to this)... It seriously flicked a switch in me. A deep rooted switch, lol
I got super excited about the idea of dating her, and I began to reach a bit. I was enjoying the connection and her company even before those things were mentioned. We had a nice chat on our first date, I walked her home and we made out. Then on date 2, we connected nicely again... Then she threw in the bonus material and I had to hide my insanity.
Anyways, so now it is difficult to un-memorize all of these ideas. These things are so engrained into me. What I want to do is put that on the backburner. I want to create a relationship with a girl that I really like for the human that she is, and then see if we can connect on a sexual level as well.
I am learning to detach myself from these old emotions though now, and I will observe the craziness and the emotion as being separate from myself.
As soon as I finished the second date with this girl, she hinted at seeing me again. I then asked her to hang out a couple days later. She said she will be busy shooting a commercial on those days. So I asked when she was free next. She told me she would let me know and that she had a lot on her plate at the moment with the commercial as well as having only 2 weeks left before she is out of her current house. I said ok of course. BUT.. a few days later we were texting and I went ahead and asked her if she would be free to hang out that night or any other days that might work.
That is when she told me that she needs to spend every waking moment looking for a place so that she isn't homeless at the end of the month. She then said she will not be booking anything social until she finds a place. SO ... I said "Absolutely 100%. Focus". And that was about 4 or 5 days ago now. But if you can imagine as I try to paint this picture.. Not only was I attracted to her and enjoying the connection, but then she threw in the sexual stuff. So not hearing from her and having her say NO to me made me feel pretty needy.. Like I really didn't want to miss this opportunity to experience this girl. I have left her alone though now, and I have been digging into this heavy insecurity of mine.
Welcome to my world. I hope that makes some sense.
BTW. Yes I do understand how the counting can be helpful as reference. No doubt!
Feel free to open up about your story too. Thanks again for the replies and support.
Cheers.
Appreciate your continued responses & Support. Realizing that community, connection and support can make such a huge difference in someones journey.
I do not mind explaining the fetishes whatsoever. It clearly stems from an emotional situation (or more than one) going back to when I was a very young kid, but I have much work to do to figure out where it may have derived from. I have been into femdom and so many related extensions of that topic since I was a little kid. Like I mentioned, I remember having thoughts of these things before I even had a clue about what sex was. So many of my actions throughout all these years have been to experience more of that same feeling/emotion. Pretty much every girlfriend that I have had, I have always worked on directing the situation to appease my fetish in some way. Eventually in my late 20's, I started dabbling in the opposite side of the fetish and eventually found that I enjoyed that as well. Basically using women as an object. But my nature (old habit and subconscious) has been to be submissive for such a long time. So if you can imagine, after all of these years, having dated countless women, having many girlfriends, but always having to pry those things out of the girl. You know.. get her to try some things, see if she likes it, experiment etc. To all of a sudden having a girl state TO ME that she wants me to be aware that she is super into being dominant and then tells me all sorts of examples (without me asking or guiding her to this)... It seriously flicked a switch in me. A deep rooted switch, lol
I got super excited about the idea of dating her, and I began to reach a bit. I was enjoying the connection and her company even before those things were mentioned. We had a nice chat on our first date, I walked her home and we made out. Then on date 2, we connected nicely again... Then she threw in the bonus material and I had to hide my insanity.
Anyways, so now it is difficult to un-memorize all of these ideas. These things are so engrained into me. What I want to do is put that on the backburner. I want to create a relationship with a girl that I really like for the human that she is, and then see if we can connect on a sexual level as well.
I am learning to detach myself from these old emotions though now, and I will observe the craziness and the emotion as being separate from myself.
As soon as I finished the second date with this girl, she hinted at seeing me again. I then asked her to hang out a couple days later. She said she will be busy shooting a commercial on those days. So I asked when she was free next. She told me she would let me know and that she had a lot on her plate at the moment with the commercial as well as having only 2 weeks left before she is out of her current house. I said ok of course. BUT.. a few days later we were texting and I went ahead and asked her if she would be free to hang out that night or any other days that might work.
That is when she told me that she needs to spend every waking moment looking for a place so that she isn't homeless at the end of the month. She then said she will not be booking anything social until she finds a place. SO ... I said "Absolutely 100%. Focus". And that was about 4 or 5 days ago now. But if you can imagine as I try to paint this picture.. Not only was I attracted to her and enjoying the connection, but then she threw in the sexual stuff. So not hearing from her and having her say NO to me made me feel pretty needy.. Like I really didn't want to miss this opportunity to experience this girl. I have left her alone though now, and I have been digging into this heavy insecurity of mine.
Welcome to my world. I hope that makes some sense.
BTW. Yes I do understand how the counting can be helpful as reference. No doubt!
Feel free to open up about your story too. Thanks again for the replies and support.
Cheers.
Pete McVries
Active Member
Thanks for elaborating and opening up.
It seems like femdom is a different beast than other fetishes. There was a thread on yourbrainrebalanced.com but it seems like the OP deleted it. I never read it and only skimmed through it but the gist seemed to be that the majority of the guys with a femdom fetish seemed to have it before dabbling into porn.
You know what's weird? I don't know you, but you seem to be a confident and straight forward guy. At least that's how I imagine you to be. I wouldn't think that a guy like this would be into femdom. But then again, maybe guys like you are more susceptible to this kind of stuff because maybe they get what they want all the time in life and therefore being dominated in the bedroom is very tempting for them. I once heard a dominatrix say that most of her customers were CEO like guys. Quite fascinating.
I think I will open up about my fetish in my journal (this is your journal!). I'm ashamed because of it but I think it will help me in the end. I tried to analyse it and dissect it and I think I found out why I developed this fetish in the end.
And I don't have an advice about including the fetish in your life or not. But I think continuing to reflect it will help you. Maybe there are other guys with the same kind of fetish who will chime in. Personally, I was never into femdom and I don't find it appealing at all, so I really have no power at all to give you any word of advice...
It seems like femdom is a different beast than other fetishes. There was a thread on yourbrainrebalanced.com but it seems like the OP deleted it. I never read it and only skimmed through it but the gist seemed to be that the majority of the guys with a femdom fetish seemed to have it before dabbling into porn.
You know what's weird? I don't know you, but you seem to be a confident and straight forward guy. At least that's how I imagine you to be. I wouldn't think that a guy like this would be into femdom. But then again, maybe guys like you are more susceptible to this kind of stuff because maybe they get what they want all the time in life and therefore being dominated in the bedroom is very tempting for them. I once heard a dominatrix say that most of her customers were CEO like guys. Quite fascinating.
I think I will open up about my fetish in my journal (this is your journal!). I'm ashamed because of it but I think it will help me in the end. I tried to analyse it and dissect it and I think I found out why I developed this fetish in the end.
And I don't have an advice about including the fetish in your life or not. But I think continuing to reflect it will help you. Maybe there are other guys with the same kind of fetish who will chime in. Personally, I was never into femdom and I don't find it appealing at all, so I really have no power at all to give you any word of advice...