Thanks so much Pete McVries,
Appreciate your continued responses & Support. Realizing that community, connection and support can make such a huge difference in someones journey.
I do not mind explaining the fetishes whatsoever. It clearly stems from an emotional situation (or more than one) going back to when I was a very young kid, but I have much work to do to figure out where it may have derived from. I have been into femdom and so many related extensions of that topic since I was a little kid. Like I mentioned, I remember having thoughts of these things before I even had a clue about what sex was. So many of my actions throughout all these years have been to experience more of that same feeling/emotion. Pretty much every girlfriend that I have had, I have always worked on directing the situation to appease my fetish in some way. Eventually in my late 20's, I started dabbling in the opposite side of the fetish and eventually found that I enjoyed that as well. Basically using women as an object. But my nature (old habit and subconscious) has been to be submissive for such a long time. So if you can imagine, after all of these years, having dated countless women, having many girlfriends, but always having to pry those things out of the girl. You know.. get her to try some things, see if she likes it, experiment etc. To all of a sudden having a girl state TO ME that she wants me to be aware that she is super into being dominant and then tells me all sorts of examples (without me asking or guiding her to this)... It seriously flicked a switch in me. A deep rooted switch, lol
I got super excited about the idea of dating her, and I began to reach a bit. I was enjoying the connection and her company even before those things were mentioned. We had a nice chat on our first date, I walked her home and we made out. Then on date 2, we connected nicely again... Then she threw in the bonus material and I had to hide my insanity.
Anyways, so now it is difficult to un-memorize all of these ideas. These things are so engrained into me. What I want to do is put that on the backburner. I want to create a relationship with a girl that I really like for the human that she is, and then see if we can connect on a sexual level as well.
I am learning to detach myself from these old emotions though now, and I will observe the craziness and the emotion as being separate from myself.
As soon as I finished the second date with this girl, she hinted at seeing me again. I then asked her to hang out a couple days later. She said she will be busy shooting a commercial on those days. So I asked when she was free next. She told me she would let me know and that she had a lot on her plate at the moment with the commercial as well as having only 2 weeks left before she is out of her current house. I said ok of course. BUT.. a few days later we were texting and I went ahead and asked her if she would be free to hang out that night or any other days that might work.
That is when she told me that she needs to spend every waking moment looking for a place so that she isn't homeless at the end of the month. She then said she will not be booking anything social until she finds a place. SO ... I said "Absolutely 100%. Focus". And that was about 4 or 5 days ago now. But if you can imagine as I try to paint this picture.. Not only was I attracted to her and enjoying the connection, but then she threw in the sexual stuff. So not hearing from her and having her say NO to me made me feel pretty needy.. Like I really didn't want to miss this opportunity to experience this girl. I have left her alone though now, and I have been digging into this heavy insecurity of mine.
Welcome to my world. I hope that makes some sense.
BTW. Yes I do understand how the counting can be helpful as reference. No doubt!
Feel free to open up about your story too. Thanks again for the replies and support.
Cheers.