Kraken's journal
- Thread starter Kraken
- Start date
Therapy has been going very well. I’ve had a series of unfortunate events this past week but was able to manage the situations and not use pmo to cope. And I’m happy about that. Weather is heating up and I’m excited to explore more of the outdoors. Also I’ve been watching a lot of interior design tv shows and am getting inspired to make my living spaces nicer.
I pmod two mondays ago and then again yesterday. It’s rough man, I’m not sure why it is becoming more frequent but I am committed to not pmoing because it has a ton of negative consequences for me. But more importantly, I am committed to having better work from home days and better days in general. I’ve been pretty bored recently and stressed about the identity theft I have experienced in addition to general life stresses. But pmo is not the way to relieve stress. I humbly admit to making mistakes and commit to the activities, inputs and communities that fill me with joy and that feel right.
I am going to go over my slips with my therapist today. In addition, I’ve noticed that the type and quality of information and content I’ve been feeding my mind has been mindless, negative and of pretty poor quality. I am going to focus on feeding my mind the material needed to achieve my dreams. Those dreams are health / fitness improvement and being more present/ enjoying my everyday life and adventuring
I’m doing well Chap. I got married last summer! And we bought a house together in the fall. Unfortunately a few weeks after our honeymoon and as we were buying the house, I got laid off. It took me around five months to find work again and that was a tough period. I’ve kept up going to therapy weekly and that helped me a ton. I’ve learned a lot about myself through that process.
Thankfully, I found a new job and have been there for several weeks now. It’s incredible how that lifted my mood and I’m enjoying it so far.
As far as pmo, I had a few struggle moments during the lay off but I was upfront with my therapist and we worked through it as it came up. At this point, I occasionally do very short censored p without m. So there has definitely been an improvement there with a steady trend of more mild content and less overall.
I’ve also worked hard to lessen the shame and negative feelings around pmo that came from my religious upbringing. Pmo isn't for me, but I have come to recognize that it provided a safe place for me to explore my sexuality as a teenager when I had no other outlet.
Life in general though has been looking up. I really love being married and it’s been a very special journey.
I hope you are doing well!
Kraken
Hey @chap, it’s been really tough. My wife and I have been trying for a baby and she got pregnant with twins, which was really exciting. But we lost them both in the first trimester and it’s been crushing. Also I’ve been using porn again and that’s been weighing heavy on my mind.
So I’ve decided to come back here and post regularly again. That has been extremely effective in the past. How have you been Chap?
So I’ve decided to come back here and post regularly again. That has been extremely effective in the past. How have you been Chap?
A few things that I did today and yesterday that worked and resulted in consequences I’d like more of:
- 30 min walk in the morning with my dog with my cup of coffee before breakfast after a glass of water
- Putting on a work audiobook and doing a two for one by listening and working my way through a giant pile of laundry on the floor by washing, drying, folding and putting away
- Talking with a great friend back home for an hour while walking around the block for half that time
- Breaking my work day into a morning and afternoon schedule
- Going to a public working space for the afternoon (I normally work from home in the same space as my gaming set up)
- Therapy
- Listening to a motivational audiobook
- Doing a tough kettlebell workout at home and pushing myself while staying safe
- Playing video games with one of my best friends after talking about life first for a while
- 30 min walk in the morning with my dog with my cup of coffee before breakfast after a glass of water
- Putting on a work audiobook and doing a two for one by listening and working my way through a giant pile of laundry on the floor by washing, drying, folding and putting away
- Talking with a great friend back home for an hour while walking around the block for half that time
- Breaking my work day into a morning and afternoon schedule
- Going to a public working space for the afternoon (I normally work from home in the same space as my gaming set up)
- Therapy
- Listening to a motivational audiobook
- Doing a tough kettlebell workout at home and pushing myself while staying safe
- Playing video games with one of my best friends after talking about life first for a while
Things that I did in the past few weeks that resulted in consequences I’d like to avoid in the future:
- pmo. Usually 1-2 times a week usually softcore but escalated to 4 times hardcore last week
- video games during the work day. Every time I did this last week I pmod after. Pmo is always done after gaming for me. Not every time I game but when I do pmo I am always in my head, almost floating feeling. That feeling builds up when I am on the computer for a long time. Or when I am playing games as an avoidance.
- Going to be after 11pm
- Waking up after 7:10am
- Scrolling on my phone, especially in the bathroom
- pmo. Usually 1-2 times a week usually softcore but escalated to 4 times hardcore last week
- video games during the work day. Every time I did this last week I pmod after. Pmo is always done after gaming for me. Not every time I game but when I do pmo I am always in my head, almost floating feeling. That feeling builds up when I am on the computer for a long time. Or when I am playing games as an avoidance.
- Going to be after 11pm
- Waking up after 7:10am
- Scrolling on my phone, especially in the bathroom
Plan for tomorrow:
I was pretty busy yesterday and today so I anticipate a dip in energy tomorrow. Accounting for that, my plan is to do a calm app meditation, yoga, get some extra sleep, and to meet up with my father in law in the afternoon to create some variety in the day.
I was pretty busy yesterday and today so I anticipate a dip in energy tomorrow. Accounting for that, my plan is to do a calm app meditation, yoga, get some extra sleep, and to meet up with my father in law in the afternoon to create some variety in the day.
chap
Active Member
@Kraken im so terribly sorry. i have no idea what u must have been going through. i hope u and ur wife have been able to heal and come out stronger. ill be sending u some positive and motivational vibes, let me know when u get them! but i am so glad hear that u have returned to the forum. i have been well and focused! probably the most effective reboot trial i have been on ever, and i will keep on trucking. join us again brother. u do not have to fight this alone.
chap
Active Member
amazing job recognizing some triggers u have experienced in the recent weeks kraken
Great to see you here Chap!
This morning I woke up more tired than usual but instead of taking my phone into the bathroom I used my iPad to watch chess videos which was a lot of fun. Excited for a good day, not too many work meetings scheduled so I have more flexibility. Going to follow the plan from last night.
This morning I woke up more tired than usual but instead of taking my phone into the bathroom I used my iPad to watch chess videos which was a lot of fun. Excited for a good day, not too many work meetings scheduled so I have more flexibility. Going to follow the plan from last night.
so far today I did yoga, and went to the business center to work for a few hours. I also had very solid and healthy meals so far today. The challenging thing today was how many people kept calling me.
I haven’t mentioned this yet but a week or so after the loss of the pregnancy I told my older sister how hard it has been and about my experience and immediately after, she announced to me that she was pregnant.
When my wife found out, she was furious and now hates my sister and refuses to go there for the holidays this year like we planned originally. I was upset that my sister told me the news at a time I couldn’t be happy for her because of my own grief and my conversation with her triggered intense waves of loss and lead to one of the most difficult months of my life.
I haven’t talked to my sister since because I haven’t been ready to, but I’ll be visiting home soon and it turns out she will be there as well. Family relationships are tough. My parents keep putting all the pressure on me to mend the relationship since I am the more caring person and my sister is very self centered. And my wife feels like my sister should have consequences for what she did.
And I feel like I just wanna have a kid and have at least somewhat decent relationships with my siblings. So it’s been tough and everyone keeps mentioning her today. It’s frustrating and keeps interrupting my focus. It’s also sad, because family is very important to me and every time I try to improve the relationship with my sister things go bad and she doesn’t put in any effort at all.
I’m still having a good day but that’s been frustrating. I’m trying to decide if I want to do a workout now or get back to some work tasks.
I haven’t mentioned this yet but a week or so after the loss of the pregnancy I told my older sister how hard it has been and about my experience and immediately after, she announced to me that she was pregnant.
When my wife found out, she was furious and now hates my sister and refuses to go there for the holidays this year like we planned originally. I was upset that my sister told me the news at a time I couldn’t be happy for her because of my own grief and my conversation with her triggered intense waves of loss and lead to one of the most difficult months of my life.
I haven’t talked to my sister since because I haven’t been ready to, but I’ll be visiting home soon and it turns out she will be there as well. Family relationships are tough. My parents keep putting all the pressure on me to mend the relationship since I am the more caring person and my sister is very self centered. And my wife feels like my sister should have consequences for what she did.
And I feel like I just wanna have a kid and have at least somewhat decent relationships with my siblings. So it’s been tough and everyone keeps mentioning her today. It’s frustrating and keeps interrupting my focus. It’s also sad, because family is very important to me and every time I try to improve the relationship with my sister things go bad and she doesn’t put in any effort at all.
I’m still having a good day but that’s been frustrating. I’m trying to decide if I want to do a workout now or get back to some work tasks.