Relapsed last night, 11/8, around 10pm, full PMO. I think a little bit it had to do with just feeling a lot of built up physical tension from not feeling release for awhile. I also started making excuses in my head, even though I had time to reason through them like "it's natural." A little bit I have a feeling had to do with anxiety over today. I have a feeling that I don't like a lot of my friends who seek out and worship mainstream sources of validation, like obtaining degrees, etc. I still think that this has to do with this feeling of being ostracized because of circ like I talked about earlier. It makes me angry at other people who seek money and honors and titles or even acts of good will, as I feel passed over. Definitely some selfishness about it, but bleh, I can't help feeling that way.
I can probably combat the physical tension by using the bathroom and eating something when I feel that sense of overwhelm. Though I think that the anxiety is a bigger one. I need to continue to develop and grow my own internal sense of commitment to what I see as good work. Happiness isn't about keeping up appearances or pleasing your parents. I frequently ask myself how I would feel about everything I've accomplished in life if my family weren't around. Eventually I'm going to have to answer to myself, so I'm preparing for that day of reckoning by trying to stay true to my own aspirations, even if that means not pleasing everyone around me. Still, it makes me very skeptical of mainstream things and I'm definitely going to have to work hard at something that suits me for making a living.
Thanks for the advice Heron - just made a timed, ordered list of how I want to structure the day yesterday, which was super helpful, and should still help.
Even though I relapsed, let's try to keep up good habits and build up
Daily Habits ("Good enough")
1. Avoid PMO, and use this forum as an "if I get urges" emergency hotline (reset) (0)
2. Post to this forum (done) (6 - Huh, never thought of this as a streak, but I suppose it counts!)
3. Be in bed with the lights out at 10pm (done) (1)
4. Be awake and out of bed with the bed made at 6am (done) (1)
5. Clear my inbox and other collections of messages and "to do"s (got closer to this yesterday, but still need to finish it) (0)
6. Clean room (done) (1)
I don't think I'm ready to add more yet, but here's other ones I've been building up:
1. Run 2 miles (5)
2. Work out at the gym for 20 minutes (3)
Other ones I'm working at:
Read before bed (0)
Work on music (0)
Work on videos (0)
I'll be meeting up with friends and running a race today, so I'll do these habits in the morning, read on the train, meet my friend, run, meet up with my other friends, and work on videos later.