Thanks guys - Lero, Heron, Squid. Im grateful that you guys engage me in a way I feel I'm unable to engage many people for the many social consequences that might come about, and for your guidance, love, dedication...I could go on. I hope to get to your wavelength in thought and feeling soon. The help you supply me guides me to your happy place!
Day 2
I've been away this weekend, and so I haven't posted. I've experienced urges away from home. It's been years since I left my parents' home for a night, and I had forgotten the sense of meaningless detached loneliness, along with the decenteredness, added maturity, and independence it gave me. I feel like an astronaut floating through space.
My close friend and I have had a great reunion weekend, hanging out, going out to bars, and meeting with other classmates. Though I feel this weird malaise a lot. Maybe it's from the porn relapses, but I just feel incredibly alone. I'm incredibly high functioning now and can handle myself well in social situations, and excel at meeting and getting along with new people, as I've done this past weekend, including complete stranger older women my friend and I met at a bar yesterday, and I don't even feel self-conscious in the moment, but I still feel this massive existential Gap in why I do everything I do. I spent the weekend in the city just thinking "all these millions of people are just stepping on each other and adding to entropy while releasing heat and burning up the universe." Everyone's just incredibly horny and I'd rather be having a massive orgy, and I couldn't stop thinking of things like my own height and how attractive I am and how much money I make and all these other rating systems I've set up to constantly measure myself by. I feel like 99% of the lives I see are not ones worth living, for whatever reason. I feel like we are spinning out of control in this chatoic universe where anything is permitted. On account of all my insecurities, I feel like I'm living like an amputee, and I'm just observing a chaotic world for a long sentence until I die. I just feel like I'm going through the motions of living until I find something to live for.
Fortunately, I got some help on my career dilemma by meeting a lot of people in very similar situations to me, and I think I'm going to pursue my growth in a tech-finance skillset and go back to working with Python again. I loved coding, I loved teaching coding, and it seems like a natural fit, despite the high entry cost in time and labor.
I drank more alcohol than I have in months, and socialized similarly, though now I just want to go home and get back to my grinds. While I'm relieved that I can thrive in any social situation with new people, I also feel like these aren't my own people to some extent, and I feel like my friends are in diaspora - spread out all over from college, high school, etc. I take comfort in routines. I hate the feeling of not advancing your skills, and I hate complacency. I love the feeling of slow, steady progress, and I'll be glad to have stability and peace at home. Still, I'll be sure to punctuate with more social outings, perhaps locally. It turns out I enjoy spending time with people. I used to be so impatient a few years ago. Perhaps working with students helped me exercise this capacity. I'm incredibly glad I could teach, and only now that I've done it can I appreciate what it's done for my ability to manage people, feelings, and relationships - things with which I struggled, unawares, for years.
Lastly, I feel lonely and incredibly horny. I wish I had someone to share all of these thoughts and feelings with. I can't imagine what kind of crazy person would ever be a sounding board for all of my insane, immature, human, self-centered, often naive, and egotistical, intellectual self-analysis, but whoever it is if I ever meet them, I'm sure it would be an interesting relationship. More than anything else, I've been more honest with people lately in some ways, or at least more honest with myself. I need to be able to share my true feelings, no matter how ugly I think they are, with people important to me, otherwise I won't be able to develop relationships of great meaning and value. That means, to a great extent, I will need to submit my pride to communicative understanding with someone someday. The thought of it scares me. Jeez, maybe I'll date a therapist. I ought to become more like one myself if I ever want to be the good I'd like to see in other people, myself.
Anyway, that's lots to ponder, but it's progress and I'm glad for it!