24yo Journal

[rob24]

Thanks guys. Good luck as you progress too!

Had a bad day yesterday. I relapsed midday since I had creative block and felt urges. Both yesterday and today, I spent a lot of time working on creative projects and obsessing over social media pages. Still unemployed and living at home. I guess I've been reclusive, because my parents got really angry at me for dropping the ball on something, then basically said that I can't be spending so much time creating gaming content online and I need some sort of part time work at least. I feel pissed, though I see their point. In my own head, though I don't bring it up anymore, I feel dead inside because of circ. I feel like success and happiness in the traditional sense mean so little to me. Like, I don't care about monetary success or social life or having a family or descendents. I just feel so awful whenever I think about that stuff. I feel so very dead inside. Just dead. I met a girl I liked the other week and I just feel sad whenever I think about her and my old jobs and life. I concluded by telling my parents I'll find a greater balance and look for some opportunities, which might not be bad for an idea, but I still feel very much like I'd prefer to go live like a reckless abandon and go after my creative pursuits. I produce music and make YouTube videos. It makes me feel free from thinking about how awful I feel, and sometimes I get to express it in the art. It comes with its own neuroses, but they're more bearable than thinking about circ, as I've gone off in the past. Bleh, it won't hurt, but I'm just bracing myself for one day years from now when, regardless of my dumb decisions today, I'm going to have to answer to an older version of myself and decide whether I made the right choices independently/dutifully/in line with my own will. I don't know to what extent I'm making smart decisions or just trying to maintain this cool self image. I need to be smart and true to myself (esp. my long-term well-being, I think).

 

[Do or die]

Relapse just test your focus power. Don't loose hopes. Start again from now.

 

[rob24]

Thanks Do or die. I'm continuously oversleeping which is not helping. It seems like when I'm out of commission I just sleep like 9 or 10 hours a day. Not good, though I'm accommodating it with a shortened schedule. I made one which is helping, and it incorporates a lot of interests and responsibilities so I feel safe using it. Sometimes you just feel like you were placed in a random life and you feel like you're on a track and you have no say in anything. It feels so random. Whatever, I'm avoiding PMO, and I'm feeling decently well, so I'm just going to keep at it today doing my best.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I'm really sorry to hear that you feel dead inside. Sorry because it sounds awful, but also because I've experienced some of that in my recovery. I was just writing the other day about how I feel like I have lost touch with activities and habits that were really fulfilling and good for me but that I just can't find time for in my current phase of life. I haven't been feeling dead, but I have been feeling pretty empty. It's no fun.

So, on some level, it makes a lot of sense that you would relapse. This is the kind of perfect storm of emotional distress that would trigger that voice in your brain that remembers that porn helped you feel better at times like this. That's a strong cue-reward circuit, but you don't have to listen to it. It's a good opportunity to slow down and spend some time working through how you feel and why you feel that way and then taking steps to take care of yourself (and not just run from the pain for a little while).

I wish that I could just know today what my "life's work" was going to be so that I could just get going on that and know that I'm putting my time and energy in the right places. I really just don't know, though, so I've been trying to focus more on doing what I need to do today. I love the idea of your schedule. Maybe take it a step further by putting each thing on your schedule on trial: why is it there? what is the purpose behind what you do? If you can't find a good reason for doing something, maybe reconsider it.

Of course, this is easier said than done when you're feeling dead inside. But maybe just taking some time to process would be a valuable thing to do. Schedule it in and interview yourself. Where are you now? Where were you before? Where do you want to be? It might be pretty focused and elaborate, or it could just be "I want to feel better tomorrow than today." Even that is something to work with, and it can give you a pretty good direction for another day.

Just some rambling ideas. Take what helps, and ignore the rest.

 

[rob24]

Bleh just relapsed again, though I feel stable and I'm keeping a good habit of posting.

Self interview isnt a bad idea. I might go years feeling like this and realize later they're wasted/empty, though I'm just angry at my father and mother, angry about circ, angry and cynical and sarcastic. I honestly feel like it's embedded in my creative loop now, and I don't feel as worried about it as I used to. I am stuck as a user, and maybe not going so hard on myself is a step in the right direction. Why punish myself more? I'm less angry than I used to be, and that's a start. Bleh, maybe I'm not making sense. I feel like the consistency of habits MUST be the start of everything.

 

[Do or die]

Don't worry. Please develop a mindset first. Meditation helps you in that. See the reality of pmo. Which is common for all humans.
And develop a good mindset to defeat it.

 

[rob24]

Thanks Do or die - Yeah, developing an "infallible" reason behind your path is usually the best way to build momentum at first at least IMO.

Had a good day yesterday and today - saw some friends from nearby, hung out, and discussed our lives and work and projects and passions. Nice to see friends again after awhile, and I also had a good phone call with a personal friend today. Made some soup, and I seriously overslept, but I'm getting a bit more disciplined. Now I just need to build up these routines and get serious about my work. Back to the grind. Quitting PMO is work, too. It won't be easy, and it won't be fun, but it'll pay off down the line. Sorry I haven't posted on your guys' journals or kept up as much yet. Just massive time demands. Crazy how, even without employment, there's still so many barriers to getting done everything I want to do in a day. It really comes down to routines, discipline, and learning to say "NO" to things that are easy/require little effort, like slackign off, staying up late, or eating junk food. Here's to better discipline.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

You've got it! It's true that it can be challenging to figure out what we should be doing in life, but it can also be challenging to know what good things we need to let go of too. Some good things can still be distractions from even better things. It's all a process of figuring out what works, and it takes time.

You're also exactly right that recovery is hard work too. It's not just a switch you flip: it's a full-time commitment to a new way of being in the world. It has to be a deliberate decision and continuing commitment. On one level, that can sound daunting, but I also think it's awesome that it really isn't up to random chance. If we're willing to put in the work and stay committed in the little things, it really will work out. And it is definitely worth it.

Keep forging ahead!

 

[rob24]

Thanks Heron - Bleh I relapsed again today. I'm trying to just get in the habit of posting with the desire to quit even though the other half of me is indifferent. Perhaps just posting day by day is a start to commitment - at least that I have some intention of quitting again. Tomorrow I need to wake up earlier and get more work done on videos, job, etc. Had a good day today, but I got sidetracked and lazy and had other commitments to keep. Every day is a playing field into itself, and I can't quit even though I've been playing well lately. I screwed up today, but I can do better tomorrow

 

[BlueHeronFan]

The habits book I was listening to a few weeks ago made a good point that I have been remembering from time to time:

The actual results we want are lagging measures of our good habits. Good dietary habits come first, and weight loss is a delayed reflection of our actual success in building new habits. Same thing with addiction recovery, I think. I always used to give up on things after a relapse because I assumed they weren't working. That was the wrong way to go. I was assuming that results were instantaneous reflections of new behavior. Results come as we stick with things over time.

So definitely don't take this as a free pass to relapse, but I think putting your focus and attention on the habits rather than the results could be a helpful thing. Get the habits right, and the results will naturally follow. Focus only on the results, and you might pull it off for a while on sheer willpower, but you won't have the foundation to support when things get really tough.

Press forward!

 

[blackcover]

Hi Rob welcome to the nation.  Your origin story is very similar to mine.  I am 25 and am on day 4 of my reboot.  I hope you keep exercising and doing this journal, those are two activities that have helped me a lot.  You got this!  Let's get free, day by day. ???????????????

 

[rob24]

Just checking in here after a LONG time away. I found this forum really helpful anytime I've tried recovering from PMO. I caved in to pressure two days ago, but I'm hoping that leaving at least a little post daily will give me some sense of renewal. Be well!

 

[rob24]

Another check-in today. On my log, I'm on my 4th day off - just still looking for that sense of renewal. I found that relapsing and listening to music were helpful at changing my emotional state previously. I wonder if I can channel that in a similar way in the sense of a "practice" to keep it on - I think I'll try that today - listening to a song for a sense of rejuvenation. They say that music can help you with that!