Thanks guys. Good luck as you progress too!
Had a bad day yesterday. I relapsed midday since I had creative block and felt urges. Both yesterday and today, I spent a lot of time working on creative projects and obsessing over social media pages. Still unemployed and living at home. I guess I've been reclusive, because my parents got really angry at me for dropping the ball on something, then basically said that I can't be spending so much time creating gaming content online and I need some sort of part time work at least. I feel pissed, though I see their point. In my own head, though I don't bring it up anymore, I feel dead inside because of circ. I feel like success and happiness in the traditional sense mean so little to me. Like, I don't care about monetary success or social life or having a family or descendents. I just feel so awful whenever I think about that stuff. I feel so very dead inside. Just dead. I met a girl I liked the other week and I just feel sad whenever I think about her and my old jobs and life. I concluded by telling my parents I'll find a greater balance and look for some opportunities, which might not be bad for an idea, but I still feel very much like I'd prefer to go live like a reckless abandon and go after my creative pursuits. I produce music and make YouTube videos. It makes me feel free from thinking about how awful I feel, and sometimes I get to express it in the art. It comes with its own neuroses, but they're more bearable than thinking about circ, as I've gone off in the past. Bleh, it won't hurt, but I'm just bracing myself for one day years from now when, regardless of my dumb decisions today, I'm going to have to answer to an older version of myself and decide whether I made the right choices independently/dutifully/in line with my own will. I don't know to what extent I'm making smart decisions or just trying to maintain this cool self image. I need to be smart and true to myself (esp. my long-term well-being, I think).
Had a bad day yesterday. I relapsed midday since I had creative block and felt urges. Both yesterday and today, I spent a lot of time working on creative projects and obsessing over social media pages. Still unemployed and living at home. I guess I've been reclusive, because my parents got really angry at me for dropping the ball on something, then basically said that I can't be spending so much time creating gaming content online and I need some sort of part time work at least. I feel pissed, though I see their point. In my own head, though I don't bring it up anymore, I feel dead inside because of circ. I feel like success and happiness in the traditional sense mean so little to me. Like, I don't care about monetary success or social life or having a family or descendents. I just feel so awful whenever I think about that stuff. I feel so very dead inside. Just dead. I met a girl I liked the other week and I just feel sad whenever I think about her and my old jobs and life. I concluded by telling my parents I'll find a greater balance and look for some opportunities, which might not be bad for an idea, but I still feel very much like I'd prefer to go live like a reckless abandon and go after my creative pursuits. I produce music and make YouTube videos. It makes me feel free from thinking about how awful I feel, and sometimes I get to express it in the art. It comes with its own neuroses, but they're more bearable than thinking about circ, as I've gone off in the past. Bleh, it won't hurt, but I'm just bracing myself for one day years from now when, regardless of my dumb decisions today, I'm going to have to answer to an older version of myself and decide whether I made the right choices independently/dutifully/in line with my own will. I don't know to what extent I'm making smart decisions or just trying to maintain this cool self image. I need to be smart and true to myself (esp. my long-term well-being, I think).