stepbystep's journal

S

stepbystep

Active Member
EarthWalker said:
Are you saying after PMO you don't go WTF did I just fapped to?
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I do. I realize it's an illusion and stupid. Then I feel really low after fapping. But in my memory it's very very positive. Maybe it's because of two reasons: up till the point I ejaculated, it feels good. And the other reason is maybe the dopamine rush.
 
S

stepbystep

Active Member
Today was definitely a struggle. I constantly had memories from my search yesterday. Luckily I made it through. Just now I had the urge to MO and I thought about doing it. But I really want to make the 7 days of no MO brown belt :) . So I'm here posting and am pushing to make it through today without MO.
 
S

SebUK

Active Member
It sounds like you're fighting through the 'chaser' period which I've become pretty familiar with! Remember once you get past a few days with no MO, it gets a lot easier. But if you keep doing it, you will be having to fight the chaser constantly.

Even though I'm not against MO in principle, I think for porn addicts we've basically fucked up our natural MO cycle, by associating it so strongly with porn. Which is pretty much what the YBOP literature says. So I think it totally makes sense to try and minimise MO while our brains repair themselves.
 
S

stepbystep

Active Member
Thanks SebNZ and beautywaytraveler !

Day 30 no P. Day 4 no MO. I got to get started with my day so gotta run. But will post more later.
 
EarthWalker

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Awesome work on 30 days no P. Keep it up.

I do. I realize it's an illusion and stupid. Then I feel really low after fapping. But in my memory it's very very positive. Maybe it's because of two reasons: up till the point I ejaculated, it feels good. And the other reason is maybe the dopamine rush.
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Maybe the memory is lying to you? Make an intention to MO with your memory intact. Don't allow for the memory to be re-written. It is your memory. You have the right to have your memory intact.

Make an intention to be present in the moment without as much mind control as possible. How does it feel on the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual bodies? Be an observer that is just observing how everything is going.

I consider the feeling good coming from mind control. Reversal of pain/pleasure. How can be alone in your room, fapping to some imagination be feeling good? My only explanation is mind control. But we can invoke our right to be free of mind control.

EW
 
S

stepbystep

Active Member
Thanks EW. Yep I'm definitely going to avoid strengthening the memory.

Yesterday was a tough day. First, I MO'd because it just felt so hard not to and I kept having flashes of P memory in my mind. All evening and night, I had a bad heachache (withdrawals?). During that time I was doing everything I could to stop the pain, but I was also stupid enough to search for P. I stopped right away though thankfully. I'm not going back there again.

Day 31 no P. Day 1 MO.
 
R

recovery000

Member
I have seen people (myself included) trying the strategy P but to MO. I personally find it a total disaster. The visual stimulus is just too much and, sooner or later, that sent me straight to a relapse. It seems to me that MO and no P could work better as a transition to detach these behaviors from each other. Ideally the hard mode is what I would recommend, but if you can use MO and no P as a transition to hard mode, perhaps that could help.
Wishing you all the best.
 
S

stepbystep

Active Member
recovery000 said:
I have seen people (myself included) trying the strategy P but to MO. I personally find it a total disaster. The visual stimulus is just too much and, sooner or later, that sent me straight to a relapse. It seems to me that MO and no P could work better as a transition to detach these behaviors from each other. Ideally the hard mode is what I would recommend, but if you can use MO and no P as a transition to hard mode, perhaps that could help.
Wishing you all the best.
Click to expand...

This is exactly what I was thinking this morning. My goal is hard mode with no P with MO as a transition.
 
benb

benb

Member
I agree 100% with recovery000.

In the past, using P with no MO led me directly into relapse, because at one point, I was just like consuming P separately from MO, but in a 5 minutes time span. So, in the end, what is the difference ? Well, this is what convinced me at the time to go on with P. I think hard mode (no PMO and no MO) is the solution for most of us, as our brain is just so saturated of the P we consumed in the last decades that when we try to just MO, inevitably, we find ourself full of shitty reminiscences of old videos that we used to jerk with.
 
S

stepbystep

Active Member
Well I screwed up. I stopped myself from the usual relapse by stopping myself from watching and not MOing and coming here. I just had a terrible headache and my mind was not in a usual clear state so P just felt so easy to go to. In the middle of all that, I thought maybe I NEED P, which was a lie I believed in. I'm not feeling great but I need to stop now and rest well tonight. I'm really praying I can get through the night.
 
S

stepbystep

Active Member
Made it through yesterday. Really proud of myself that I pulled myself out of a full blown relapse. I'm now thinking of how stupid it was. I was mentally compromised with pain and made it hard. I'm starting today realizing that I'm going to struggle with sexual thoughts whether I use P regularly or have stopped for a while. Sexual thoughts are a part of my life, either because I'm more susceptible as an addict or because they are part of being human. But, P makes me struggle even more and makes everything unhealthily hyper sexual. It's never going to satisfy me. Neither is MO. I never want to go back to P again.

Day 1 no P. Day 3 no MO.
 
benb

benb

Member
Bro, I think what you just experienced is part of the reboot process. All of us have experienced it and your are stronger now than you were before. Keep up with your new objectives and battle the newly identifed triggers.

Safe journey! :)

 
S

stepbystep

Active Member
Thanks Ben. Feeling better today. Was focused at work. I need to relax over the weekend. I'm never going back to P again.
 
ShadeTrenicin

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey SbS,

I think stopping halfway while watching P is a great achievement! It shows just how much less control the P has over you. Now, I'm not saying that it is easy. But I just wanted to point it out!
Great going, you should be proud to not give in to a full blown relapse. This is what progress looks like!


Take care today!
 
S

stepbystep

Active Member
Day 2 no P, no MO. I went back to P and MO consciously, though it's not P I had been addicted to and staying away. I guess I can call it "softer" than before. It was not as great as I thought. Although I think I need a break from spending so much time thinking about staying away. It seems to be making it harder for me. When I try to stop so consciously, I find myself going back to the P I used to addictively watch. Anyway I do want to stay away from PMO but I haven't decided how to go about this. I'll probably take a break from these forums for now. I'll definitely check in once in a while.
 
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