You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
Ender's Journal: And End of Addiction
- Thread starter Ender
- Start date
squid said:Hey Ender, how's it going?
I'm hanging in there, thanks for asking. I fell asleep as soon as I got home from work this morning, that's why I haven't posted today/yesterday's entry (it's so hard to keep days straight when you work third shift.) I guess it's good I fell asleep so quickly, I really needed it. I just wish I could sleep longer than 3 or 4 hours.
Thanks again for checking in on me. I'll post my Day 6 entry when I get home. Right now, I'm destroying this Indian Buffet.
Day 6
Still having a lot of trouble sleeping. Yesterday (Sunday), I laid in bed for a total of 7 hours without sleep. I know insomnia is part of the withdrawal experience but this is wearing so hard on me. I work a physically demanding job and my muscles aren't healing like I need them to. Right now is my Monday night, I've only worked one shift so far this week, yet my body feels so worn down as if it were a Friday. Oh well, nothing I can do about but keep going. Whenever the pain gets to be too much, I use it as a reminder that if my old ways of doing things worked, I wouldn't be such a mess. If I want to see any kind of improvement, I need to try something new. And I think that's what I've been doing.
On a good note, last night at work I felt like writing (fiction) again for the first time in a while. It's pathetic I know, but the last piece I spent any time on was a romance story between me and one of my dolls (as if she were real). Not sure if I can salvage that one, even though I had some really good ideas for it. I had a couple ideas at work that were inspiring, and featured a recovering addict as the protagonist (where ever could I have gotten such an idea???). I've always wanted to be an author or do something creative, like make a webcomic (I just can't draw for shit). I have such a powerful imagination and I think I could be quite good at it. I just lacked the motivation to ever finish a project (yet another reason/goal for overcoming my addictions). If I can't fall asleep this afternoon, I'm going to trying writing some stuff. Even if it turns out to be word vomit, it could be the start of my new passion.
Only one more day to my first milestone,
Sir Ender.
Still having a lot of trouble sleeping. Yesterday (Sunday), I laid in bed for a total of 7 hours without sleep. I know insomnia is part of the withdrawal experience but this is wearing so hard on me. I work a physically demanding job and my muscles aren't healing like I need them to. Right now is my Monday night, I've only worked one shift so far this week, yet my body feels so worn down as if it were a Friday. Oh well, nothing I can do about but keep going. Whenever the pain gets to be too much, I use it as a reminder that if my old ways of doing things worked, I wouldn't be such a mess. If I want to see any kind of improvement, I need to try something new. And I think that's what I've been doing.
On a good note, last night at work I felt like writing (fiction) again for the first time in a while. It's pathetic I know, but the last piece I spent any time on was a romance story between me and one of my dolls (as if she were real). Not sure if I can salvage that one, even though I had some really good ideas for it. I had a couple ideas at work that were inspiring, and featured a recovering addict as the protagonist (where ever could I have gotten such an idea???). I've always wanted to be an author or do something creative, like make a webcomic (I just can't draw for shit). I have such a powerful imagination and I think I could be quite good at it. I just lacked the motivation to ever finish a project (yet another reason/goal for overcoming my addictions). If I can't fall asleep this afternoon, I'm going to trying writing some stuff. Even if it turns out to be word vomit, it could be the start of my new passion.
Only one more day to my first milestone,
Sir Ender.
L
Lero
Guest
Good stuff, man! Almost a week!
Here are some ideas:
Make an emergency journal post and write down everything you are feeling
Run the stairs or do another form on high intense exercise
Urinate
Turn off your electronics
Read a book
Call a friend or relative
And always remember, the feeling of urge will pass before you know it, and you'll smile inside for staying true to yourself.
Make an emergency journal post and write down everything you are feeling
Run the stairs or do another form on high intense exercise
Urinate
Turn off your electronics
Read a book
Call a friend or relative
And always remember, the feeling of urge will pass before you know it, and you'll smile inside for staying true to yourself.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
squid said:Urinate
All of squid's ideas are spot on, but I just wanted to second this one because it sounds weird but is totally true. There are times when I think I have the strongest urge to MO, but it's just because I need to go to the bathroom.
These urges are awful, and I'm sorry to hear that they're keeping you up. I know I'm more of a zombie when the urges get bad, just doing what I need to do to get through a day. It's awesome that you're posting to keep yourself committed to this process, keep doing it!
It used to be that I relapsed hard whenever the urges got strong. I used to think that my goal was to quit having urges, and I always thought I was failing when the urges came back. But I really turned a corner the first time I actually made it through a couple days of really intense urges. I learned that they do eventually pass (it doesn't just keep getting worse and worse until the day you die). I also learned that I can, in fact, experience urges without having to act on them. Sort of obvious, but it was like a revelation to experience it for the first time.
Hold strong, man. I think one of the most powerful things you can do is make it through the wave. Once you experience firsthand that the urges eventually quit and that you can survive them, I think you will have proven to yourself that living in recovery is really possible.
squid said:Here are some ideas:
Make an emergency journal post and write down everything you are feeling
Run the stairs or do another form on high intense exercise
Urinate
Turn off your electronics
Read a book
Call a friend or relative
And always remember, the feeling of urge will pass before you know it, and you'll smile inside for staying true to yourself.
BlueHeronFan said:squid said:Urinate
All of squid's ideas are spot on, but I just wanted to second this one because it sounds weird but is totally true. There are times when I think I have the strongest urge to MO, but it's just because I need to go to the bathroom.
These urges are awful, and I'm sorry to hear that they're keeping you up. I know I'm more of a zombie when the urges get bad, just doing what I need to do to get through a day. It's awesome that you're posting to keep yourself committed to this process, keep doing it!
It used to be that I relapsed hard whenever the urges got strong. I used to think that my goal was to quit having urges, and I always thought I was failing when the urges came back. But I really turned a corner the first time I actually made it through a couple days of really intense urges. I learned that they do eventually pass (it doesn't just keep getting worse and worse until the day you die). I also learned that I can, in fact, experience urges without having to act on them. Sort of obvious, but it was like a revelation to experience it for the first time.
Hold strong, man. I think one of the most powerful things you can do is make it through the wave. Once you experience firsthand that the urges eventually quit and that you can survive them, I think you will have proven to yourself that living in recovery is really possible.
Thank you both for your suggestions. I'll definitely be trying some of these out when they strike again. I didn't P, M, or O yesterday, so I'm really proud of myself. I think the emergency post helped a lot. After posting, I paced the length of my apartment (which is now cleaner than it's ever been since I lived there) and talking to myself out loud. I kept telling myself why I'm doing this, how these temptations are deceptions (my urges were to lightly stimulate myself to softcore, but all what a lie that is and how it's just an opening to get me to escalate), and how if I relapse, I would have to start all over. The idea of having to fight the same battle over and over really helped me overcome.
I do want to note just how aroused I became at the mere thought of looking at porn. Like, no sexual images in my head, just the IDEA of porn had my heart racing. Like what the fuck?! Am I really that conditioned? That was upsetting but just more encouragement to get clean.
And some more good news. When I did sleep after this ordeal, I had some really pleasant and inspiring dreams. That was really reassuring that I made the right decision.
Great work Ender, that's really significant! You decided what you wanted and stuck to it and didn't let the pain of the moment derail the chance of a lifetime. Be patient with yourself and keep up the good work. I'd go out and get a small ice cream, be kind to yourself. It's not an easy road but it gets way easier after week three. Just keep doing the good habits and focusing on what you want and go after it man!
This was an actual conversation I had with myself while I was struggling with my temptations. For me, humor helps me cope with my recovery. I hope it helps you.
P: Hey, remember this video? *p flashback*
Me: Fuck off P
P: Fine, what about this one? It's softcore so it doesn't count.
Me: No, that's still porn. Not going to happen.
P: Okay, well what about a nice, juicy fantasy. You know, just to keep your imagination sharp.
Me: Nice try. And while someday, I would like to fantasize again, I am a long way from that day. I can't trust a porn sick brain to have healthy fantasies.
P: Jesus you are being difficult. What if you write a character for one of your little stories and put her in some sexual situations?
Me: *insert Rick and Morty Extra Steps Meme here* Well that just sounds like porn with extra steps.
At that point, I had myself belly laughing and it broke most the temptation. Also, I tried to make an actual meme of this to post here, but I am having trouble attaching an image to my post even though it is small enough.
P: Hey, remember this video? *p flashback*
Me: Fuck off P
P: Fine, what about this one? It's softcore so it doesn't count.
Me: No, that's still porn. Not going to happen.
P: Okay, well what about a nice, juicy fantasy. You know, just to keep your imagination sharp.
Me: Nice try. And while someday, I would like to fantasize again, I am a long way from that day. I can't trust a porn sick brain to have healthy fantasies.
P: Jesus you are being difficult. What if you write a character for one of your little stories and put her in some sexual situations?
Me: *insert Rick and Morty Extra Steps Meme here* Well that just sounds like porn with extra steps.
At that point, I had myself belly laughing and it broke most the temptation. Also, I tried to make an actual meme of this to post here, but I am having trouble attaching an image to my post even though it is small enough.
L
Lero
Guest
Ender said:This was an actual conversation I had with myself while I was struggling with my temptations. For me, humor helps me cope with my recovery. I hope it helps you.
P: Hey, remember this video? *p flashback*
Me: Fuck off P
P: Fine, what about this one? It's softcore so it doesn't count.
Me: No, that's still porn. Not going to happen.
P: Okay, well what about a nice, juicy fantasy. You know, just to keep your imagination sharp.
Me: Nice try. And while someday, I would like to fantasize again, I am a long way from that day. I can't trust a porn sick brain to have healthy fantasies.
P: Jesus you are being difficult. What if you write a character for one of your little stories and put her in some sexual situations?
Me: *insert Rick and Morty Extra Steps Meme here* Well that just sounds like porn with extra steps.
At that point, I had myself belly laughing and it broke most the temptation. Also, I tried to make an actual meme of this to post here, but I am having trouble attaching an image to my post even though it is small enough.
That's right, man. I have those kind of "self-conversations" all the time. The addicted brain is tricky. It tries to make you in any shape or form push the dopamine button. When you eliminate one thing from the list, it goes lower than that, to lighter stuff, maybe you might not know about that trigger and it could trick you. For me, I noticed that searching information about porn actors and porn movies (without including any pictures) stimulated my addicted brain, but it was maybe the lightest stuff in the store.
It's something like this: You decided to stay away from drinking because you know that you give up secrets while drunk. The porn addicted brain is like a guy who knows this and he tries to trick you into drinking one glass, because one glass leads to more. And it's like: "Come on, dude, it's just one glass! One glass, man! Bro, it's only one fucking glass, not the whole bottle!" You drink the glass but you will finish the bottle afterwards. Porn is like this too. Anything, no matter how light, is the first glass, and we are "alcoholics" who are not able to stop at one glass. Don't listen to the addicted voice in your brain and also don't listen to guys who are in denial and say that you could cut back succesfully, or use occasionally, or a little bit won't kill you. Those are guys who binge when they get home after the conversation.
L
Lero
Guest
Ender said:I do want to note just how aroused I became at the mere thought of looking at porn. Like, no sexual images in my head, just the IDEA of porn had my heart racing. Like what the fuck?! Am I really that conditioned? That was upsetting but just more encouragement to get clean.
That's the anticipation. I've read in a book about an experiment with monkeys. They monitored their brains while pouring some syrup in their mouths. First they noticed the increase in dopamine while tasting the syrup. Then they trained the monkeys to know that syrup came after a light turned on. And they saw that when the light turned on, the monkeys' brains released more dopamine than when they actually drank the syrup.
You only thinking about porn, even without images in your mind, is the anticipation of an eventual porn session. Your brain releases so much dopamine so that it could finally make you go to look at porn. The orgasms actually releases less dopamine than the anticipation and edging (which is also a form of anticipating a great orgasm at the end of it. In my case, my brain made be believe that the more I edged, the better the orgasm would be at the end of it, and it was never the case, but I kept doing it over and over again, on autopilot, though, which shows that if you don't pay attention, you walk in a circle).
We have to understand that porn is a button we push to get a big dopamine hit. We are addicted to dopamine, not porn per se. People are addicted to fast-food or video games too. Why? Because they release dopamine. They are the button they push for dopamine, although maybe porn is the most intense of them all. Understanding that porn is just a button, could make a difference. It helps you understand that you don't want porn, you want dopamine and you've trained yourself to get it with porn. Those images that pop up in your mind and make you feel like you want porn so much, are just a button disguise as porn. If you "go through porn", you see the button. Try this: Next time you see porn in your mind, switch the image to the image of a button.
Leros on to something there. That's why when you cut out pmo, other activities become more enjoyable and you become more motivated. Because the dopamine from normal activities can't compete with pmo. But when it's gone, I find real joy in many parts of life I glossed over in my pmo numbness. Like exercise, blogging and hanging out with friends
Wow, very helpful information. I definitely want to stop being a dopamine fiend, and that's just a matter of time and keeping clean.
Day 7
I made it a week. And if I don't sound excited enough that's only a testament to how thoroughly exhausted I am. I can barely stay awake writing this. I hoping for my first full day of sleep since I started my reboot.
No real urges or temptations today. The headaches continue and I can barely keep focused. I'm so physically and mentally worn out.
I'm going to a breakfast tomorrow with a men's group I've been trying to get involved with. It's not really a support group, but that is one of the services they can provide. I'm not sure how much I feel comfortable sharing with them about my recovery. But if I'm serious about changing my life, I'm going to have to start telling people eventually. I think it would be a good opportunity to tell people in real life that I'm struggling, something I've never been able to do. I know I'm still holding onto a lot of shame and guilt surrounding my addiction, but I need to let that go and stop judging myself so harshly.
*mumbles incoherently something about sleep*
Sir Ender
Day 7
I made it a week. And if I don't sound excited enough that's only a testament to how thoroughly exhausted I am. I can barely stay awake writing this. I hoping for my first full day of sleep since I started my reboot.
No real urges or temptations today. The headaches continue and I can barely keep focused. I'm so physically and mentally worn out.
I'm going to a breakfast tomorrow with a men's group I've been trying to get involved with. It's not really a support group, but that is one of the services they can provide. I'm not sure how much I feel comfortable sharing with them about my recovery. But if I'm serious about changing my life, I'm going to have to start telling people eventually. I think it would be a good opportunity to tell people in real life that I'm struggling, something I've never been able to do. I know I'm still holding onto a lot of shame and guilt surrounding my addiction, but I need to let that go and stop judging myself so harshly.
*mumbles incoherently something about sleep*
Sir Ender
So I couldn't sleep (shocker) but I haven't been wasting my time. I was reading some other journals and success stories on here and had an epiphany. I realized, from others sharing the same experience, that I used porn, and my other addictions, to replace the love I wasn't giving myself. It's easy to blame my parents for not raising me in a loving manner that enabled me to love myself, but also pointless. That chapter of my life is over. This chapter is about finding the love I missed out on in my own self. I've decided that the focus of my recovery is going to be on self love.
This revelation also showed me a huge mistake I had made. For example, by calling my addiction a "demon" I had turned it into something awful and evil. This label justified unleashing anger and hatred on it. But it's a part of me. And that anger and hatred is only going to rebound and cripple me and prevent me from loving myself, all of myself. Just as Lero said several posts up, we aren't addicted to porn, but to the dopamine it produces. Dopamine isn't evil, it's not a demon, it doesn't mean us any harm. And the more I learn about the dopamine reward system, the more beautiful I find it. Once this system has healed from my addictions, I'll be able to redirect it to achieve untold heights. So with this new information, I have decided to rename my addictions from "demon" to "dragon". Dopamine is a mighty force in our lives, but neither good nor evil. It simply drives us where we direct it. Unfortunately, most of our dragons were hijacked in some way and taken off course. But the solution is not to beat that dragon back into submission, but come to understand its power and beauty. To love this powerful creature and work hand-in-hand as companions. That's my dream for myself. And that's also way I renamed this journal and will no longer be using the word demon.
This revelation also showed me a huge mistake I had made. For example, by calling my addiction a "demon" I had turned it into something awful and evil. This label justified unleashing anger and hatred on it. But it's a part of me. And that anger and hatred is only going to rebound and cripple me and prevent me from loving myself, all of myself. Just as Lero said several posts up, we aren't addicted to porn, but to the dopamine it produces. Dopamine isn't evil, it's not a demon, it doesn't mean us any harm. And the more I learn about the dopamine reward system, the more beautiful I find it. Once this system has healed from my addictions, I'll be able to redirect it to achieve untold heights. So with this new information, I have decided to rename my addictions from "demon" to "dragon". Dopamine is a mighty force in our lives, but neither good nor evil. It simply drives us where we direct it. Unfortunately, most of our dragons were hijacked in some way and taken off course. But the solution is not to beat that dragon back into submission, but come to understand its power and beauty. To love this powerful creature and work hand-in-hand as companions. That's my dream for myself. And that's also way I renamed this journal and will no longer be using the word demon.
L
Lero
Guest
Good reflections, man. By the way, can you actually rename the journal? How? Cause I don't know how to do it.
Lero said:Good reflections, man. By the way, can you actually rename the journal? How? Cause I don't know how to do it.
Go to your first post and click on the Modify button (it's next to the Quote button). It should open a page that looks like a new post except it is already filled out. From there, I just changed the Subject line and clicked Save.
L
Lero
Guest
Ender said:Go to your first post and click on the Modify button (it's next to the Quote button). It should open a page that looks like a new post except it is already filled out. From there, I just changed the Subject line and clicked Save.
Oh shit, man! I had no idea. How did you know?
Lero said:Ender said:Oh shit, man! I had no idea. How did you know?
I was playing around with the forum a lot last night when I tried to post that meme. Figuring out how to Modify a post was one of the tricks I figured out.