Ender's Journal: And End of Addiction

[Kraken]

So I couldn't sleep (shocker) but I haven't been wasting my time. I was reading some other journals and success stories on here and had an epiphany. I realized, from others sharing the same experience, that I used porn, and my other addictions, to replace the love I wasn't giving myself. It's easy to blame my parents for not raising me in a loving manner that enabled me to love myself, but also pointless. That chapter of my life is over. This chapter is about finding the love I missed out on in my own self. I've decided that the focus of my recovery is going to be on self love.

This revelation also showed me a huge mistake I had made. For example, by calling my addiction a "demon" I had turned it into something awful and evil. This label justified unleashing anger and hatred on it. But it's a part of me. And that anger and hatred is only going to rebound and cripple me and prevent me from loving myself, all of myself. Just as Lero said several posts up, we aren't addicted to porn, but to the dopamine it produces. Dopamine isn't evil, it's not a demon, it doesn't mean us any harm. And the more I learn about the dopamine reward system, the more beautiful I find it. Once this system has healed from my addictions, I'll be able to redirect it to achieve untold heights. So with this new information, I have decided to rename my addictions from "demon" to "dragon". Dopamine is a mighty force in our lives, but neither good nor evil. It simply drives us where we direct it. Unfortunately, most of our dragons were hijacked in some way and taken off course. But the solution is not to beat that dragon back into submission, but come to understand its power and beauty. To love this powerful creature and work hand-in-hand as companions. That's my dream for myself. And that's also way I renamed this journal and will no longer be using the word demon.

Well done sir, that is a great perspective

 

[Lero]

I was playing around with the forum a lot last night when I tried to post that meme. Figuring out how to Modify a post was one of the tricks I figured out.

I kept trying to figure out a way to change the title of my journal with no success. You literally saved me.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I realized, from others sharing the same experience, that I used porn, and my other addictions, to replace the love I wasn't giving myself. It's easy to blame my parents for not raising me in a loving manner that enabled me to love myself, but also pointless. That chapter of my life is over. This chapter is about finding the love I missed out on in my own self. I've decided that the focus of my recovery is going to be on self love.

This revelation also showed me a huge mistake I had made. For example, by calling my addiction a "demon" I had turned it into something awful and evil. This label justified unleashing anger and hatred on it. But it's a part of me. And that anger and hatred is only going to rebound and cripple me and prevent me from loving myself, all of myself.

Huge congratulations on getting a week under your belt! It sounds like there are a lot of great things going in your recovery. I just wanted to comment on this one, though, because a similar realization has been a huge turning point for me.

I can't remember where it was, but I was listening to something several weeks ago that said that all addictions are a response to trauma (big or small). Every addiction is a habitual attempt to use that dopamine pathway in order to escape or deal with suffering. Our addictions are not out to destroy us. They're trying to help us. They're failing miserably at it, but somewhere, deep down, there are good intentions at the heart of our addictions, an attempt to take care of ourselves when we're in trouble.

It has made such a meaningful difference to be able to react to urges as misguided attempts to help instead of as demons. When urges arise, I can take it as a signal that I'm in trouble and that I need to take care of myself. Instead of getting mad at the urges, I can say something like, "Thanks for noticing that it hurts right now, but I don't think porn is what we're going to use this time. Thanks for the suggestion, but let's try something else." Now I'm no longer my own worst enemy. I'm learning how to be my own best caretaker.

Kudos to you, keep it up!

 

[Ender]

Day 8

Incredibly tired again. Really hoping to get enough sleep today. I just got home from breakfast with a mens group. It feels better being social. I still get really anxious being around that many people at once. I think that's a big reason why I didn't share my addiction recovery story with them. Not too worried about it, there will always be more opportunities to share later.

I'm really starting to see how important this whole love epiphany is. I'm also realizing just how bad at taking care of myself I am. For instance, I don't know how to cook for myself. Most of my meals are fast food or frozen pizza. I think that needs to be my focus for a while, learning how to make real food instead of buying junk every meal of the day. There are many areas of my life where my self care is lacking but I need to remember to be gentle with myself. I'm focused on loving myself now and this is the first chance I've had to learn these skills.

Love yourselves,
Sir Ender

 

[Kraken]

I recommend chicken legs covered in bbq sauce  in the oven at 400 degrees for around 45 minutes (use a meat thermometer and take it out when it is 155 degrees inside, definitely get a meat thermometer they are cheap and very helpful)  pair it will some rice boiled on the stovetop or in a rice cooker and pan fry some asparagus in a little butter.  Delicioussss

 

[Lero]

I recommend chicken legs covered in bbq sauce  in the oven at 400 degrees for around 45 minutes (use a meat thermometer and take it out when it is 155 degrees inside, definitely get a meat thermometer they are cheap and very helpful)  pair it will some rice boiled on the stovetop or in a rice cooker and pan fry some asparagus in a little butter.  Delicioussss

Come on, maaaaan! I didn't ask you to make me hungry.

 

[Kraken]

Too late to apologize!!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

There are many areas of my life where my self care is lacking but I need to remember to be gentle with myself. I'm focused on loving myself now and this is the first chance I've had to learn these skills.

This is a great reminder. Especially when we're in self-improvement mode it can be easy to turn our self-care intentions into really stressful chores.

It's okay if progress is slow. Progress adds up over time, and we all have a lot of life left ahead of us. It's definitely okay if you can't change everything all at once without a hitch.

I recommend chicken legs covered in bbq sauce  in the oven at 400 degrees for around 45 minutes (use a meat thermometer and take it out when it is 155 degrees inside, definitely get a meat thermometer they are cheap and very helpful)  pair it will some rice boiled on the stovetop or in a rice cooker and pan fry some asparagus in a little butter.  Delicioussss

Sounds like a great recommendation! Cooking is sort of therapeutic to me (when it's not happening in a rush). There's something about putting screens and conceptual thinking aside and just appreciating the sights, sounds, and smells of cooking. Lately, my schedule hasn't allowed me to spend much time cooking at the times of day when I want to be eating, so I have been cooking bigger batches on weekends and then portioning them out through the week. That helps me to avoid situations where cooking for myself is more stressful than relaxing.

 

[Ender]

Day 9

I would apologize for how late today's post is, but since it's due to me sleeping all day, I won't lol. I laid down after work this morning to relax my muscles a bit and ten hours later, here I am. I had some really intense, disturbing dreams. But i guess that's the price I have to pay for a good days sleep right now.

Last night at work, I became really fucking depressed. Without my distractions or numbness, I'm realizing how much I hate my life. I hate my fucking job, I hate having no friends, I hate my shit diet, I hate my crappy apartment, I just hate everything about my life right now. And yes, i know i need to be patient for all of this to change. But that doesn't help the constant pain and misery I'm now in. I don't know what I can possibly do to climb out of this hole I've dug myself into. I can see the light but can't reach it and that tortures me. How did I end up like this?

Sounds like a great recommendation! Cooking is sort of therapeutic to me (when it's not happening in a rush). There's something about putting screens and conceptual thinking aside and just appreciating the sights, sounds, and smells of cooking. Lately, my schedule hasn't allowed me to spend much time cooking at the times of day when I want to be eating, so I have been cooking bigger batches on weekends and then portioning them out through the week. That helps me to avoid situations where cooking for myself is more stressful than relaxing.

This is so beautiful man! That's exactly what I want. I looked up some recipes at work and I'm going to try that this weekend.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

This is so beautiful man! That's exactly what I want. I looked up some recipes at work and I'm going to try that this weekend.

Glad to hear it!

Last night at work, I became really fucking depressed. Without my distractions or numbness, I'm realizing how much I hate my life. I hate my fucking job, I hate having no friends, I hate my shit diet, I hate my crappy apartment, I just hate everything about my life right now. And yes, i know i need to be patient for all of this to change. But that doesn't help the constant pain and misery I'm now in. I don't know what I can possibly do to climb out of this hole I've dug myself into. I can see the light but can't reach it and that tortures me. How did I end up like this?

Man, I can relate to this in a lot of ways. There are a lot of things about my life that I just wish were completely different. And I think it can hit especially hard when you aren't numbing yourself down with porn. I say it a lot, but the last few months (which have been totally porn-free) have also been some of the most relentlessly difficult ones that I can remember. Is it because there were new problems or just because I wasn't anesthetizing myself anymore? Whichever it was, things are hard, so I know, in some ways, what you must mean.

I guess I'll just say this (because I'm still figuring it all out myself): it might take time for all these changes to be finalized, but it doesn't take much time at all to get started on them. Like even this weekend, you have plans to do some cooking. That isn't going to solve the problem of your diet, but it is a real step forward. Having a week where you eat real (not processed) food that you made yourself can be a really satisfying and healthy thing. If you have a good experience with it this week,  you can do it again next week, and the next, and the next (and then your diet will be changed).

I know for me, even if things aren't the way I want them to be, I feel a lot better if I'm at least making progress. Maybe you can't leave your apartment tomorrow, but you can start looking around for something new, maybe setting aside some extra money for a deposit. Then, at least, you're making progress and not just wishing things were better. Maybe after one of the groups that you go to, you can just see if people want to go for dinner or lunch (or maybe that's something that will take time to work toward). I'm starting to just ramble now, but this sort of thing definitely helps me. The worst feeling is when things are bad and I feel stuck.

Here's to better days and steady progress along the way!

 

[Kraken]

Step by step Ender, you're going to make it!  Let us know what you cook this weekend, we'll swap recipes haha

 

[Ender]

Thank you guys so much for the support! I feel guilty because I haven't been able to keep up with any one else's journal this week. I'm hoping that as things stabilize for me I'll get better at it.

Day 10

Surprised I made it to double digits on my first serious attempt, but not going to complain. I've been getting a ton of flashbacks the past few days, mostly video games and TV though so easy to ignore. I realized something with all these flashbacks though. I thought that now that I got rid of my distractions, my mind would stop obsessing over some stupid TV show I watched a dozen times or that one scene from that movie a few years ago. But then it hit me, my brain is detoxing just like the body detoxes. When you come off a drug addiction, the first few weeks are fucking miserable (been there, done that), not just because your dopamine system is in craving mode, but because your body takes that as a que to dump all the toxins it's been holding onto. When you overload your body with junk, it doesn't have the capacity to eliminate all the toxic buildup, so the body just packs it away in storage. I think the brain is the same way. I keep getting these flashes of episodes from TV or random segments of games I played because I spent most my life overloading my brain with these digital distractions. Now that I'm unplugged, my mind is dumping all the toxic material I've built up. So I'm going to take it as a good sign.

So after work today, I only got a few hours of sleep. My brain got really restless so I decided to do something I've been putting off since I moved to my apartment, walk to the library. I haven't been to a physical library since I was a child. That's actually where I'm typing this from (gotta save my cellphone's data). I found a couple books that should keep me entertained. Plus, there are some really cute girls working here. I think this will be my new Wifi destination. I think I'm going to hang out here for a bit, do some more writing (I'm not sure if I mentioned that I started writing again this week!) and look up some recipes for this weekend.

Thanks again for all the support!

Sir Ender

 

[Lero]

I got a decent streak only after finally taking this seriously. But it had still taken 2 months to get there. Once you have a good streak, remind yourself that, on day 1, you were desperate to be where you are today.

 

[Ender]

I got a decent streak only after finally taking this seriously. But it had still taken 2 months to get there. Once you have a good streak, remind yourself that, on day 1, you were desperate to be where you are today.

That's been a big help to stay clean. The fact that I'd have to fight my way back to this point all over again.

Also, an addendum to my Day 10 post. After the library, I decided to go run some errands I've been putting off. Is it just the porn wearing off or have there always been this many beautiful women out in the world? There are so many of them! And for once, I want to talk to them lol.

 

[Lero]

I got a decent streak only after finally taking this seriously. But it had still taken 2 months to get there. Once you have a good streak, remind yourself that, on day 1, you were desperate to be where you are today.

That's been a big help to stay clean. The fact that I'd have to fight my way back to this point all over again.

That's right. Coming back from day 1 to my day 19 is too much hustle. I don't have the nerves for this again.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

So after work today, I only got a few hours of sleep. My brain got really restless so I decided to do something I've been putting off since I moved to my apartment, walk to the library. I haven't been to a physical library since I was a child. That's actually where I'm typing this from (gotta save my cellphone's data). I found a couple books that should keep me entertained. Plus, there are some really cute girls working here. I think this will be my new Wifi destination. I think I'm going to hang out here for a bit, do some more writing (I'm not sure if I mentioned that I started writing again this week!) and look up some recipes for this weekend.

Lots of awesome things here: going out into the world, finding good books, looking up recipes, getting back into writing, using the internet in a public place. All really great! I'm excited to hear about your weekend goes (especially your cooking). I strongly support your new library Wifi destination!

Also, an addendum to my Day 10 post. After the library, I decided to go run some errands I've been putting off. Is it just the porn wearing off or have there always been this many beautiful women out in the world? There are so many of them! And for once, I want to talk to them lol.

Lol! I know that my perceptions of the women around me have definitely changed as I've gotten away from porn. Not only am I more aware of women (and much less trapped in my own thoughts and fantasies), but I have realized that what I actually find attractive in real women is pretty different from what I went looking for in porn. It really is a twisted illusion, and the real world is way better.

 

[Ender]

Lol! I know that my perceptions of the women around me have definitely changed as I've gotten away from porn. Not only am I more aware of women (and much less trapped in my own thoughts and fantasies), but I have realized that what I actually find attractive in real women is pretty different from what I went looking for in porn. It really is a twisted illusion, and the real world is way better.

I was thinking more on the subject and it may go deeper than just noticing them. I realized, for the first time in my life, that I may actually deserve a romantic partner. Growing up unloved as a child, by myself and by others, I developed this belief that I don't deserve love. Now that I'm peeling back the layers of my numbness and getting to the core of my issues, the wounds that started my addictions in the first place, I'm beginning to undo these unhealthy beliefs. I know that this one in particular may be the deepest, but for the first time ever, I actually admitted to myself "you are worthy of a girlfriend." I think this means I'm starting to become open to the idea of being loved and accepting love from others. I'm going to focus on this for the rest of the weekend by loving myself (no, not like "that" lol) and focusing on this deep, emotional injury that convinced me that I wasn't worthy in the first place.

 

[Kraken]

Great work Ender keep on going!  Libraries are awesome, they also have events where you can meet people and learn new skills and languages

 

[Ender]

Day 11

In a real bad way right now. Depression is peaking and shows no signs of stopping. I'm beginning to question everything about myself. Everything I love is just another substitute to addiction. Books are just smaller dose of video games. Woman are just porn you can touch. I see no point in chasing any more dopamine highs, no matter how "natural" they appear. I'm tired of being a slave. But as my shackles fall away, there is nothing else to replace them. I see no reason to continue. I keep hoping that this is just the old me dying off and the new me hasn't appeared yet. However, whenever I reach for something to replace the old, I see through that illusion too. Does any of what we do or be have meaning beyond the bag of chemicals bouncing around our thick skulls? I keep thinking this is my chance to give up and become something more. Yet where is it? Why doesn't he show himself? I don't expect instant results, but the slightest hint at something, something I can grab onto and hold to my heart. Something to work towards and know I'm not just tubes squeezing liquids back and forth. Whatever, let's see how far down this dark rabbit hole goes.


Disclaimer, I am not nor will I be suicidal. I've been through that kind of depression and this is nothing like it. This one goes right down to the core of who I am. I'm just going to keep pulling threads until this entire illusion falls apart.


Sir Ender

 

[Kraken]

Hang in there Ender.  Your brain is trying make sense of how you suddenly lost 1,000 sexual mates and a life of pleasure and adventure overnight.  But the thing is, it was all fake, you know this.  Get through the withdrawal, you'll start feeling a lot better in a few days and even more in a few weeks. Then you can go get the real thing man.  Stay strong.  Meditate, go on walks, take a bath, take showers, be kind to yourself.  This will pass.