Freedomisworthit
Member
I agree with BlueHeronFan, we only fail when we give up. You're worth it to keep trying to overcome PMO, no matter how many tries it takes. You are stronger than your addiction!
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wecandoit
Guest
Thank you Blue Heron and Freedom for the encouragement. I know what you mean.
The reason why I am not starting this entry with "Day 1" is because I want to stop counting days. I just want to focus on doing the right things everyday and ending the day without edging or PMO.
Monday I am going to start a 9 days vacation and I want to relax. Things have been crazy lately.
The reason why I am not starting this entry with "Day 1" is because I want to stop counting days. I just want to focus on doing the right things everyday and ending the day without edging or PMO.
Monday I am going to start a 9 days vacation and I want to relax. Things have been crazy lately.
Non-Dual Adventurer
Active Member
Freedom and Blue are right. You do only fail when you give up. I just relapsed 2x and had a bit of an epiphany which I'll share with you. You feel shit after relapse and you feel shit during withdrawals. Which one would you rather feel? Would you rather feel totally terrible because you just relapsed or totally terrible because you are abstaining from P, healing your brain, and being a good captain leading your sailboat through the storm. We have to weather this storm and the alternative (feeling shitty after relapse) is much worse, because 1) it makes us feel totally demoralised and doesn't heal our PIED or our lives in general 2) it must only lead to more horrible feelings because you know the withdrawals will be around the corner. Better to hold out through the withdrawals IMO.
The withdrawals subside after a time, but first we have to weather a crazy assault from our damaged brain fighting back.
I know which type of shitty I'd rather be feeling right now.
The withdrawals subside after a time, but first we have to weather a crazy assault from our damaged brain fighting back.
I know which type of shitty I'd rather be feeling right now.
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wecandoit
Guest
Non-Dual Adventurer said:
I understand what you mean. Thanks you.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
wecandoit said:
I think this is a good insight into what recovery is really all about. It's easy to get caught up in counting days, but that can't be goal. It's not the point of this. For me, counting days is a helpful tool for tracking where I am, but I can't let it be my actual goal.
The real goal is getting through today. It's not about reaching some number of days. It's about living right today. That's the kind of focus that can really carry us through. No matter how bad the urges get, we can deal with them today. Who knows about tomorrow, but we can deal with that when it comes.
For now, we need to live right, just for today.
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wecandoit
Guest
k-fff said:
During my longer streaks in the past, I never had insomnia problems because of withdrawals. But I do have problems sometimes (unrelated to reboot), once in a while, when I can't sleep until early in the morning. I can see it coming. It's that feeling like "Okay, I won't sleep until 5 in the morning or so". And it sucks when I have to go to work in the morning. I work in shifts, so it's not a problem for afternoon shifts and night shifts but once I had to go to work in the morning and I have to be there at 6 AM. I couldn't sleep at all. It was one of those "I am too energized and my mind is racing" moments (cause this is when I don't sleep. I feel like I am connected to some source of energy and my mind talks continuously, I can't turn myself off to sleep). I looked at the clock and it was 3 AM. I wake up at 4 AM to do my routine before work. And it was just when my brain switches off and I can sleep but I had to get out of the bed. I went to work without sleeping for 1 fucking minute. I barely functioned at work. I basically just survived but I was not there. They talked to me and I didn't understand anything. It wasn't until 11 AM when I could finally make more sense about what was going on around me. It's an experience that I don't wish anybody to have.
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wecandoit
Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
I understand how this works but it's difficult because it is against the mindset of many people, including me. I am someone who thinks about the future and the past too much. So it's in my routine to keep thinking about "I want this number of days, it won't be until I reach this number of days that I will feel good etc." but, even though I am not good at this for now, I feel like not counting days and just trying to live one day without thinking about the future is really something else. Because we, as humans, only live one day at the time but it's in our nature to keep thinking about the future. Okay, of course it helps to think about the future in terms of goals but it's not really what you might think. Yes, I want to think about the future but more in terms of a long time goal like: "I want to reach that day when porn doesn't have control over me anymore and when I don't use addictions as a cope and when I am emotionally mature etc." You know what I mean?
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wecandoit
Guest
I won't have things to write about everyday. Like today, for example. Not much to talk about. I don't count days anymore so I am not going to update a counter. I try to be active on the forum but some journals contain triggers for me. I'm sorry if I look like not giving a fuck, it's not that. I think that's about it for today.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
wecandoit said:
That's totally okay: especially as you get further in your recovery, there are more and more normal days where basically nothing happens.
And don't worry too much about not being able to post in some journals because of triggers. I run into the same thing sometimes. We don't have to support everyone, but we can all support someone.
Just keep going forward, a day at a time!
Non-Dual Adventurer
Active Member
Doesn't look that way, mate. It's hard to keep up with people's journals. Keep up the good work, mate.
quitforeverthenwin2
Well-Known Member
Hey bro, you seem a little discouraged right now thats natural after losing a pretty good streak. But man, the relapse didn't erase those great 11 days and that awesome motivation you had.
Trust me I have been there, doing all the right stuff then BAM it goes to shit. Then it's overwhelming to start over and we want to change everything. But I'll reiterate, I think you were doing just fine. Sometimes it goes like this:
Do all the right stuff relapse after 12 days
Do all the right stuff relapse after 3 days
Do all the right stuff relapse after 17 days
Do all the right stuff relapse after 7 days
Do all the right stuff relapse after 21 days.
etc...........
Sometimes we just have to chip away at it, the addiction can seem too strong, but if we are CONSTANTLY resisting it in the best way we can, we are chipping away at it and as it weakens a bit you can get further and further control. Let's think longer term. Say you have to spend 3-6 months relapsing. But 5 years down the road, when you beat this thing for good and are feeling great, is it going to matter?
Trust me I have been there, doing all the right stuff then BAM it goes to shit. Then it's overwhelming to start over and we want to change everything. But I'll reiterate, I think you were doing just fine. Sometimes it goes like this:
Do all the right stuff relapse after 12 days
Do all the right stuff relapse after 3 days
Do all the right stuff relapse after 17 days
Do all the right stuff relapse after 7 days
Do all the right stuff relapse after 21 days.
etc...........
Sometimes we just have to chip away at it, the addiction can seem too strong, but if we are CONSTANTLY resisting it in the best way we can, we are chipping away at it and as it weakens a bit you can get further and further control. Let's think longer term. Say you have to spend 3-6 months relapsing. But 5 years down the road, when you beat this thing for good and are feeling great, is it going to matter?
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wecandoit
Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
Thank you for reaching out. Yes, the triggers part is a problem for me right now. Some users, I am sorry to say it, don't have a "triggers warning". I won't give names and stuff.
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wecandoit
Guest
Non-Dual Adventurer said:
It's not hard for me but some journals contain triggers.
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wecandoit
Guest
quitforeverthenwin2 said:
Everything was great until it wasn't. I was doing so well then I played with fire and I burned the fucking house down. After burning the house down I was really depressed. That's what happened to me. I fucked up and then I binged for days in a row without being able to stop myself. I got to the point where I was so depressed that I craved porn in a desperate attempt to numb myself. I don't know, it's hard. I want to build a streak again but it's so hard.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
wecandoit said:
I don't want to downplay what you're feeling, but you have just described addiction recovery. We've all been there. We all do things we know we shouldn't do but find ourselves doing anyway.
This is why it's important to think about recovery as a process that occurs over time and not a decision that we make once. Failing is part of it, relapsing is part of it. When we were deep in the addiction and weren't even trying to quit, we didn't call it a relapse, we just called it a normal day. The fact that you see it as a discouraging relapse is still progress.
What matters is learning from each relapse, filling in the armor every time you discover a weak spot. Addiction finds a way, and every time it does, you learn something new about yourself and how to be stronger. The relapse isn't such a big deal; it's what you do after the relapse that really shows where you're going.
So keep going!
Focus on what you can control for the time being. It helps me to do that. Don't necessarily bash yourself if you feel upset, but don't fuel it either. I try to keep expectations in a state of " i want this, but this could happen and I need to control myself if it does" mindset. That is helping me more and more.
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wecandoit
Guest
k-fff said:
Thanks for the advice.
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wecandoit
Guest
I am trying to build a streak and avoid binging for days. This is my goal for the near future. I lost control and binged twice, for three days in a row each time. I cannot continue like this, for my mental health.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Just read your journal and can relate to your cycle of depression and anxiety, as many of us can here. Falling back into the binge is what happened to me too and as the title of your journal says: If others have done it, you can do it too!
Do you use any restrictions to keep yourself away from porn? Like blocking certain pages / certain times to access internet on computer and phone? As you mentioned gaming and a generally isolated life, you might replace screen activities by reading or something creative like writing or playing an instrument.
It might also help to give yourself the signal of starting again by changing daily routines or rearranging furniture, changing your environment - basically doing something new, whatever it may be. Something to remind yourself that you're going for a major change in life and then take this step by step, day by day. It's important to not let depression and lack of perspective win over your will to change - remember that longer streaks of abstinence will decrease anxiety and depression in many cases. All the best for your journey!
Do you use any restrictions to keep yourself away from porn? Like blocking certain pages / certain times to access internet on computer and phone? As you mentioned gaming and a generally isolated life, you might replace screen activities by reading or something creative like writing or playing an instrument.
It might also help to give yourself the signal of starting again by changing daily routines or rearranging furniture, changing your environment - basically doing something new, whatever it may be. Something to remind yourself that you're going for a major change in life and then take this step by step, day by day. It's important to not let depression and lack of perspective win over your will to change - remember that longer streaks of abstinence will decrease anxiety and depression in many cases. All the best for your journey!