** WARNING DESCRIPTION OF PORN USAGE IN RELAPSE**
Just had a huge relapse. Went way back through all my oldest habits including: insta stalking old crushes and friends, looking at interracial cuckoldy cheating pictures on google images (as actual porn and reddit is blocked in my phone), moved to laptop and went to cuckolding and cheating captions, then back to vanilla photos of girls all on reddit, then back to the cheating stuff I think and finished.
** OVER **
Wow, sorry to give such an in depth description of what happened but honestly I'm tired of hiding and not taking ownership of my actions. I'll need to break down in the future what, why, how etc. I'm using each of these and what kind of insecurities / habits they stem from. In the mean time I will state that I did all of that, those were in fact my actions and I've just gotta get on with what comes next. I'll learn, grow and get better. But, there's no taking back actions. It was literally minutes ago so I'm going to bed now as it's very late. However, I did watch this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMI29oD3Fq4 by an older guy who has gone 50 years of addiction to porn. He didn't realise he was addicted until he was around 60 and it took him 9 years to recover. That means I have a lot of time to recover! Slightly different because I have grown up with high speed internet porn instead of magazines etc. but still if he can do it then I can too.
He also said:
"There's a big difference between abstaining and recovery." I need to rewatch this video anther time https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMI29oD3Fq4
I'm looking at joining a porn anonymous meeting group or something where I can talk to someone face to face about this. I might make another fresh account and look for someone to talk to on the phone. Need to have a real heart to heart with someone who is going through the same stuff.
Good luck everyone! We can all be better!