Good morning Mr S,
I am enjoying our exchanges very much. Well done on your "grand woman experiment" too - I am sure your pleasant conversation had a positive impact on her day - I love it when people stop and talk to me, and find it really enriches the soul.
Seen as you have given me permission (I think), there is one observation I would like to make from our discussions so far. I have this theory that one key determining factor in one's mental health is the tendency to judge ourselves, and specifically to judge ourselves relative to our perception of others. This is dangerous for two reasons: 1) We are uniquely placed to see the whole of ourselves (all the 'bad' stuff) and 2) We are very poorly placed to see the whole of others - and everybody, yes everybody has a built in tendency to only portray the good stuff in their lives and character, which makes our comparisons with them even more skewed. I know because I've done it.
I really appreciate the openness in your messages, and through that I see a guy who maybe has made a lot of these negative comparisons and judged himself to harshly. As a result, these feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness become excruciating (your words).
When I read your other own words about yourself, I hear shame and guilt, I read 'I'm F'cked up in the head', 'I didn't have your courage/humility', 'I'm still too arrogant to digest the pill', 'I stink at that stuff'
I see something completely different - I see a guy who does have courage and humility in abundance (otherwise, you wouldn't be here), I see a guy who has high intellect, emotional intelligence, first class self reflection (the vast majority of the world just amble on repeating the same mistakes, blissfully unaware of their impact on others), I see someone who is generous and helps others (I've read your words of encouragement to many on here), and I see a guy with a great sense of humour coming through in your written word.
I'd be interested to know - get 2 highlighter pens ( a red one and a green one). Go back in your journals that you mention, and highlight the -ve stuff in red, and the +ve stuff in green. What's does the balance look like. How are you talking to yourself. Would you talk to others like that, or would there be much more green?
Yes, I have no doubt that you have done things, and acted in a way in the past that you judge to be substandard, immoral, and unkind. So have I. So has everyone here, and so has everyone in the world (be those actions porn related or not). To be honest, it doesn't matter anymore. It's gone. The only thing that matters is what we do now, and what we do now will be driven by our thoughts, and particularly our thoughts about ourselves. Don't ignore the blessing of your current awareness and state in favour of ruminating and regretting why you didn't have that benefit earlier in your life. Think as your PMO reset as more than just a PMO reset, but a reset of you - a line at which you can forgive yourself for the past mistakes and focus on the opportunity right now for the real you, the enlightened you to flourish. Notice the good things about yourself, write them down each day (maybe start a gratitude journal?) Practice some self compassion meditation. Above all be kind to yourself - if you can't you can never be truly kind to others.
Just an additional thought about past mistakes - it's only if we can detach ourselves emotionally from the shame and guilt of them, that we can use them for good, and specifically to help others. That in itself should provide us with a motivation for giving ourselves permission to forgive ourselves. Better to embrace and accept, looking on them as actions and poor choices we made rather than as part of our identity itself.
Anyway - sorry for rambling on a bit. Have a great day and take care.