Rebooting trough self-parenting

[EarthWalker]

Hello, rebooters.

Time I gave this another try. I have an old journal from 2017. But I changed since then. This time I will do my best to find and heal the root causes of my porn addiction.

One major thing is the feeling of love. I feel very much unloved. I feel like I need to revisit my early childhood. A quote from a book I find interesting:

Everyone's first experience of love is the love they receive from their mother and from their father and from the atmosphere of the love that exists between their mother and father in infancy.

Analyzing my infancy and early childhood. There is just a deep hole.

I have an analytical mind. I am an engineer. I just want to fix this.

Taking inventory:

I feel like my mother never loved me. Up until I was like 10 or something she visited me on weekends while I was raised by grandma. Grandma was effectively divorced. So she was filling in for a mother and a father. Doesn't work. I think my mother has some deep seeded problems with males. Misandry. I feel like she would prefer to be a guy or something. There was never abuse from her part. Just a lot of dismissal and not giving me any attention.

My father was away most of the time for work up until I was 18 or something like that. As a child didn't see him much. He was an alcoholic. When he was around. There are some good memories. But when he drank, he didn't get abusive per se. But just totally killed any joy. Very depressing energies. Kills any joy.

Their relationships was pretty chaotic when I was an infant. They moved around apartments and there was some physical violence involved. Not a happy and loving relationship.

I can see how my mother and father are just passing the buck along. Their parents were not very positive either. My grandma's mother effectively killed her dreams of being a pasty chef. Instead she got her to work long hours in a factory. Just on of many examples I could list.

I have no problems with this. I inherited a lot of garbage from my parents. Which they inherited from their parents etc.

Not the job I signed up for. This is not how it is suppose to be. But I can either be miserable or I can clean the messes as much as is possible in this lifetime.

The way our society is set up. It is designed just to keep on making the buck bigger and passing it down the line. Like being an unconscious participant in the theatre of the absurd.

Well. This buck stops here.

My current relationship with my mother is cold and estranged. I do share the same house with her. I have my own floor with separate entrance. We say hello 1x per week. This is about it. She has her life. I have mine. I think this is for the best.
My father died a few years back with cancer. I am not surprised with the amount of unresolved emotional garbage he was carrying.

I don't find what I wrote particularly difficult subject. It is the reality I am starting to face. Knowing the exact problem is half the solution.

Porn is just a coping mechanism. A momentary release from all the accumulated garbage both in my genetic line and the collective consciousness.

I am carrying the unresolved emotional issues of many of my ancestors.

There are many areas of life I need to address. I will start in dealing with unresolved issues from ages 0-7 years old. This is where I should feel loved, supported in the world. Instead it made me feel like the world is a cold and unlovable place.

Today I came across a book on self-parenting. I cried a little. Will this be the part of the healing journey? Solution to my porn problem?

My journey in self-parenting starts today. My intention of this journal is to journal my experience with self-parenting for the duration of 3 months.

May you be healed. May you feel loved.
EarthWalker

 

[Wolfman]

Hi EarthWalker, welcome back to the forum.

You wrote:

"My current relationship with my mother is cold and estranged. I do share the same house with her. I have my own floor with separate entrance. We say hello 1x per week. This is about it. She has her life. I have mine. I think this is for the best."

Given you say that so much garbage comes from your parents, which comes from their parents, don't you think that to truly "stop the buck" you not only need to stop treating yourself badly but to reverse the trend altogether. Instead of shuffling down garbage through the generations, how about giving gifts? I mean, try to repair relations with your mother and not leave things at the estranged. Maybe go up and tell her, "hey, let's have coffee once a week, and just chat? You can tell me about your week and I'll tell you about yours." Very basic stuff. I'm no expert, but if you want to become a parent for yourself, that means taking take of your relations. And it seems like your relation with your mother seems like an important one to care of.

Just my two cents when I read your post. I wish you plenty of strength and hope, EarthWalker!

 

[EarthWalker]

Thank you Wolfman. I wish you much happiness.

I'll start with having a right relationships with myself. Listen to my body and my feelings.

Changing my inner world will reflect the outer.

There was a start of a fight between me and my mother. I just said I don't feel like fighting and left. A few moments later she calls me on the phone and we have a civilized conversation. A much better level of conversation than if I have stayed and have a face to face conversation.

I am learning that not engaging in drama helps a lot. Staying neutral as well. Everyone is living their own truth. Fighting only makes things worse. I think this is an energetic principle. Negative energy can only bring about negative outcomes.

Like we see with riots. You hurt me, I hurt you. This only brings about negative outcomes.

But glad you brought this up. From my perspective she should be the one to make the first move.

I value professionalism highly. It is my belief that if you sign up to do a job. You should do a good job. If you sign up to be a parent. Make sure you do a good job. For starters you can be around your kid and not let grandma raise your kid. Basic stuff.

But this is for some other time. I'll revisit this when the time is right. I don't feel like it is time to make any changes to my relationship with my mother.

 

[EarthWalker]

I think I'll update the journal once a week.

I view porn just as a symptom. A bit counter intuitive. But I find that looking at things from a yes/no perspective helps a lot.

Is porn a problem? Yes/no.
Do I eat healthy? Yes/no.
Do I exercise regularly? Yes/no.
Do I socialize regularly? Yes/no.
...

This really cuts out bullshit and excuses. Other wize I end up make up excuses. Well, I did go on a walk yesterday so guess I do exercise a little. Bunch of BS.

That said. Having no stress is also key. Do I eat healthy? No. Do I stress about it? No.

So I guess this boils down to being honest with myself, not make any excuses. At the same time I started to stress less about everything.

What my body is telling me right now. I need to do some exercises for the spine. I sit a lot. My posture is bad.

I found one program online to improve posture. I like it. So I'll do my best starting tomorrow, to do the program every day in the morning.

Edit: In terms of self parenting. I ordered one book and found one online. So I am reading the book about self parenting now.

 

[EarthWalker]

I am feeling a lot of resistance reading the book. I haven't finished it. I will push trough it and read it. It is the right thing to do. This is just sabotage.

The posture exercises are very good. They actually work. But obviously I need more time to see some substantial results. But it is working.

In terms of self parenting. It is the right thing to do. But I haven't started the sessions as first I wish to finish the book.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Did one inner child session. It was very powerful. But also very draining. Feeling very tired.

Overall feeling pretty tired all the time and the office work is pretty draining as one project is coming to a close. I'll take some time off over the summer.

I am sleeping a lot.

I can only change 1 thing at the time. Common wisdom says you need 21 days to build a habit.

Just to be sure. My top priority is now to fix my poor posture. As I think it effects everything. Breathing, digestion, mood, etc. What use are breathing exercises if my poor posture just messes up the lungs anyway?

So sadly self parenting work will have to wait. I can only change 1 thing at the time. I will commit on doing 10 minute posture exercises in the morning and 10 minute posture exercises in the evening for the next 42 days.

I tried to be consistent with the posture exercises but with the project at work and self parenting stuff I wanted to try and some other stuff. Got drained.

Step back. 1 change at a time.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

I found this interesting

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UsI9CXHm6o&t=210

Dopamine is about wanting not liking.

 

[EarthWalker]

Basically everything in Life can be distilled down to:

What do you want?

And the corresponding

(Who, what, when, where, why, in what way, by what means) do you want it?

Some wants are programmed by society. But some innate to our being.

In the morning got some P thoughts. I asked myself.

Q: Why do I want it?
A: I just want to feel pleasure. Want to feel good. The orgasm at the end (reward) puts a higher value on P thoughts (cue/trigger) so that I am more likely to do it (behavior).

I remember reading one journal (forgot the exact name/details). But what struck me. Is that the guy said he is able to quit cocaine addiction but not P addiction.

I believe part of the reason why P is so close to impossible to let go. Is that our trigger-> behavior -> reward is pre-programmed in our DNA for sex. P just hijacks the very strong and pervasive system already in place.

See a hot girl. Want to bang her. This is pre-programmed behavior in the DNA.

With P we can accomplish the mission in the most efficient way possible. So it might seem to the brain. But we all know this is not the case. In actuality we bang the computer screen. But at times our brain has a hard time separating fact from fiction.

Q: Is me PMOing in the morning what I want?

Nope. Will it bring me real pleasure and happiness? Nope. I am just temporarily lying to myself. But the need for sex is real. The need for physical intimacy is real. Innate to the being.

I need intimacy. P hijacks this this need.

I cannot deny it. Some can go monk mode. I cannot.

What I can try is some slow transitions.

No PMO during the week. I think I can do this.
Instead of fetish P, I can go vanilla. I think this I can do as well.

I cannot deny myself what the body needs. As much as I'd like to think of myself as somebody who can just ignore sex and be a monk. This I cannot do.

I think in the long run. If I am just intimate with myself 1-2 per month. That would be ok. Ideally with no P. If needed maybe vanilla.

Will see. I have enough time. Trying to many changes at once usually just blows up in my face.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Weekly report:

I'll start recording my P shenanigans.

Early in the week I've started to PM then I am like. WTF? I stopped myself. Then ended up to just MO to vanilla thoughts.

I am noticing lately that P is really aggressive on the nervous system. I guess I am starting to be able to discern where the thoughts are coming from and how do they effect the nervous system.

The grooves run deep. I like the analogy of the P addiction to be a bit like grooves on that old vinyl records. A pretty monumental undertaking to change this.

I think it would be accurate to say that P is mind control.

Yesterday evening. I started to watch some P. I stopped myself before the M phase and went to sleep. In the morning somewhat horny. Started to watch some P again. I stopped myself again.

I do have a fleshlight. But rarely use it because of the involved setup (I put it in a bowl of hot water to warm up) and the involved clean up. Anyway.

So I stopped myself from watching P in the morning and then I went for vanilla thoughts and fleshlight. I find this to be a lot less aggressive on the nervous system. It feels more right than P. Obviously not where I want to be. But I am not yet ready for jedi monk level sexual transmutation. When I go for a few weeks without P,M,O I noticed I got progressively more tired and frustrated. When I PMOed I'd feel more energetic but if I'd PMO again I'd feel drained.

Maybe there are some pent up sexual energies that can only be relived with sex?

What do I want?

I want to be my true self. I guess each life is a personal self mastery and self discovery course. Who is the real me?

I think connecting with core values and beliefs should help. Watching P is not my true self. It is an artificial overlay that sometimes cannot be distinguished from reality.

Where are the thoughts coming from? Is this aligned with my core values and beliefs or is this an external manipulation designed to steer me off course from knowing and becoming my true self?

I am starting to put some cracks in a wall and see that P is nothing more than mind control. But the need for sex is real. This is innate to my DNA. Need to respect this.

For now. I'll do my best to see that P for what it truly is and try to go with MO instead of PMO. The grooves run deep. This is super hard.

Wish you all the best on your respected journeys.

EW

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello EarthWalker,

Do you know a life wihtout PMO for longer period? A year?
If not, find out about yourself.

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi, imsorrynotsorry.

Thank you for the feedback. The longest I've been without P,M, and O has been just over 3 months (this was around 2 years ago, I think?, not sure). It was the most frustrating time ever. As I find it took me a lot of energy to maintain this state. Maybe I've been doing some things wrong. The feeling all the time was as if somebody is chasing me and I need to keep on running ahead of them. Took a lot of energy.

I also have a rather mental office job that requires me to think a lot. This depletes willpower as well. I did not appreciate the struggle. I think I got less things done and have lower quality of life compared to when PMOing. Maybe I should have done some physical exercises. I don't know.

This time around. I'll first work on removing P. Then move on to decrease MO. I think in the long run I'll be OK with just MO to vanilla thoughts 1-2x per month with P totally out of the picture.

EW

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

This is it. When we remove P out of our life the rewiring to normal level should come naturally. MO often is not exactly normal, but if you could have sex two times a week it's more or less normal. But, the P-part with binging and dopamin shots degenerates our brains.

I want to love without PMO for a longer time to find out about my normal libido with the GF. And i can understand your way aswell. It's just now it's like that, in a year it's possibly different.

 

[EarthWalker]

I'll post my report once a week on Sunday.

Here is the report for this week:

Monday: Clear
Tuesday: PM followed by MO
Wednesday: Manageable P thoughts, I was able to either shut it down or let it go
Thursday: PM followed by MO
Friday: Clean
Saturday: Clean
Sunday (today): Some urges in the morning, not a big deal

In terms of P. 2 times the autopilot took over. I noticed the autopilot taking over but just didn't had the willpower to stop it. When I did start watching P and then PM. I am like WTF is this? WTF am I doing? This is not even making sense! I just stopped a few minutes in. I was still horny. So I ended up using the fleshlight. The good thing about fleshlight is that it is a PIV simulator. Not really much choice to think of anything but vanilla (without the P).

For the next week. My plan is to stay P free with MO being the release for horniness. Like my 2nd MO this week. There was this super hot waitress at a bar I was at. Made me very horny. I was able to keep P thoughts at bay that day. But the next day autopilot  overtook the wheel. I did stop myself with PM and went with MO (fleshlight) with the vanilla fantasy of the waitress.

I consider it progress MOing to vanilla over PMOing to fetish or any P for that matter. I don't have the willpower to go on hardmode.

I'll post new report next week.

In terms of self-parenting. I didn't got around to it. I am feeling super tired. I basically spent the whole week in bed. I am super tired. My hunger is weird. Just came from lunch. I am like hungry, not hungry. Like I am hungry but don't feel like eating.

Did anyone else notice weirdness with hunger?

I terms of spine exercises. They work. But I just don't have the energy to do them. A bit of chicken and egg problem. I have 1 more week of vacations left. I'll probably be in my bed.

I prefer not to post all over the forums so I'll be posting mostly here on this journal.

Thanks to imsorrynotsorry for putting Gabe's patreon in his signature. I didn't know that Gabe has Patreon. Also congratulations on 90 days imsorrynotsorry.

What struck me is that Gabe said in the pateron Q&A that it took him 15 months to 100% reboot. For some reason 15 months has a bit more wake up call energy to it that "about a year" to me. Wow. 15 months.

I think it is reasonably for me to expect also full reboot time in order of magnitude of 10-20-30 months. This is a long term project. I'll be here for a while guys.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello EarthWalker,

it's nice to see you back here and good you keep protocol of what happened last week.

I consider it progress MOing to vanilla over PMOing to fetish or any P for that matter. I don't have the willpower to go on hardmode.

As you know, it is the endless novelty that numbs our brains and induces our problems. So, avoiding this novelty is major in making progress and therefore, i believe, is also helping the rewiring in a way. How, i can't tell, but i hope it's helping anyway.

I think you do just the right for now, manage your situation and fit it to your condition now. You don't have to overdo things, just keep it simple and steady.

For the hunger i can't say much. Since i stopped i just want to drink beer often.

Thanks for your kind words. I wish you the best.

 

[EarthWalker]

Thank you for the feedback imsorrynotsorry.

Yesterday and today had P dreams. They were very short, didn't O. But messed up my sleep big time. Today slept like 5 hours then woke up, then went back to sleep for an hour or two. I'll be messed up for the whole day.

Did some more introspection into the nature of P.

The autopilot. I think it would be accurate to say that the autopilot is demonic possession. I am not being myself at that moment. My real self takes a backseat, then some gollum (like from the LoTR) takes over. My precious. Give me, Give me, Give me. I want it. I want it. I want it. Then the O (the gollum steals my energy and leaves). Then my real self is back at the drivers seat and I go WTF just happened. I PMO'ed to what now?!?

I'll call the autopilot Sm?agol.

It wasn't always like this. I remember way back in time. I got off by pictures of girls in bikini and then it was vanilla P. But slowly over time more and more fetish stuff started to creep in. Sm?agol got bigger and bigger.

Now this is quite literally the stealing of my energy. Basically my own energy is used against me. The mind control is strong and in my view not as much sophisticated as it is deeply entrenched.

The groves run deep. I am looking at ~20 years of P usage. WOW. 240 months of P usage! If I 100% reboot in 24 months I think that would be pretty great. For some reason I feel like dividing the number of months of P usage by 13 might give a good estimate of reboot time. So 19 months.

But it feels so good. What happened is a reversal. Pain and pleasure got reversed. How can I view being alone in my room, quite literally throwing my life force energy out of the window for some pixels? Just like with smokers. How can you call putting poison into your body pleasure? It is reversal and mind control.

How does this intellectual analysis help me? In the moment (of possession) P feels like "the right thing to do". But I guess it really does come down to willpower and being both very strategic and tactical about the use of willpower.

P is using my own energy against me. It feels "good" because this is a hijack of emotions I should be feeling when with a real life partner. I am playing into an illusion I build over a long period of time.

Being hostile towards Sm?agol accomplishes nothing. I created my P addiction and attracted Sm?agol due to my own ignorance and could probably list a whole bunch of very good reasons. But at the end of the day. It is my fault. I claim ownership and responsibility for the misuse of my life force energy.

Claiming responsibility and ownership is a good way to start in my view.

There are good legitimate reasons that make P not my fault. But even if something is not my fault. That doesn't mean I should not be taking care of it. It is pointless to think that the person, places or things that caused something will magically fix. Oh, it is my parents fault for my P addiction. Oh, it is the darn XYZ's fault. That makes sense. But doesn't change anything.

Even if it is not my fault (for starting it). It is my fault (for not cleaning it up).

In my view the way the world works. Even if I were to clean other's people mess - I would be learning something, I would be improving. While they will not. So looking at this from different angles. The results are in:

P is my fault. I claim ownership. I claim responsibility. I don't care how and why it started. But I care how and why it will be finished.

Unsurprisingly I found this podcast. Jocko Podcast. I find it very good. He and the co-host make a lot of sense.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey,

Yes man! Looking forward is great.
What is the podcast about and can you drop a link please?
Thanks

 

[EarthWalker]

Sure, some examples:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VPLe-jJxoQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23dArPpXgCM

 

[EarthWalker]

Yesterday I relapsed. Again, the autopilot took over. Started to PM. I am like. WTF. This is not even turning me on. Yet, the Autopilot is on. I stopped with PM. Waited a few minutes. Then MOed to vanilla PIV fantasy so that this horniness doesn't lurk over me. On some level I didn't even like the MO. This is suppose to give pleasure? Hm...

Got me thinking my urges were building up on Wednesday. Thursday (yesterday) I relapsed. I had pizza on Wednesday. Maybe there is some correlation there.

I stopped eating dark chocolate a short while back. I feel like my urges are increased after eating chocolate and my digestion is worse. I remember throwing the chocolate away. So there must be something with food as well.

My current diet. I call it the low stress, low effort diet.

I found a local restaurant. They basically make 1 dish - some meat with side-dish or something (potato, rice, pasta). I am going there almost everyday so that I don't stress about where and what am I going to have for lunch.

For dinner. I usually make a salad. I just buy the pre-washed ready to make salad. I just rinse it, add in lots of olive oil, some walnuts, then add something from a can: tuna or beans. Low stress, low effort.

For phase one. I am pretty ok with this. It is about managing stress and making incremental improvements.

I stopped trying to "break the cycle" in one massive hero last stand off - Thermopylae battle. But I view the P addiction as this massive rock and all I have a chisel. I have started to chip it off one small piece at a time.

Also wanted to mention. There is this lunar eclipse on 4-5 July. Afaik the intention you set up during the eclipse is amplified.

Hope everyone is doing all right.

Chisels up!
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

A minor episode of an anxiety attack yesterday and today. Very unpleasant. But I expected as much. This is actually good. Sign of progress. I have a lot of things to fix now all that hit me like a train.

In the office everyone is basically doing their own thing. A few friends that I have are all married with kids. So they are pretty busy doing their own things. We go for coffee but that is maybe 1x per (1-2) month. Except for that my socializing is practically non existent except for interactions such as at the store.

While I am not big on socializing. I do miss having some social contact. I guess people who are in relationship have that going on by default.

I need a hobby so can socialize. Meet some new people. Live in a small town. Not much choice. I think a running group makes sense. Will try to find some people to run with.

Gyms don't interest me. I find it too boring. There needs to be some sort of an activity. Like running, swimming, climbing, hiking, etc.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello EarthWalker,

running for me is giving me so much pleasure and natural endorphines. It became very important to me over time, also i still have to overcome my lazyness to do it everytime. Running is kardio exercise and after running of 30-60 mins you'll feel good everytime and you will get more energy for everything else. This fits perfectly with your salads with nuts.

For socialising, maybe running at a running court makes sense? Just a thought.

Imsor