God dammit, timing out and losing what I’ve drafted!! I’d forgotten about that feature due to not posting regularly for a while. Oh well, being currently unemployed I probably need the extra typing practice… What I’d written concerned something else I remembered about the time last year when I was dating the flaky girl, notably my own behaviour and personality changes. Anyway, second time lucky with this post!
Last year I was still working and was nearing my four year anniversary with my employer. My role was based in London and each day, I commuted to work on the Tube, as I had done ever since I started with my employer back in 2018. My commute was usually around 45 minutes or so, starting about 0630 on the way to work with the return journey often not being until 1900. And regardless of these long hours and me often feeling tired, physically and / or mentally, I would always read. In fact I got through so many books in my first year, which included rereading quite a few too, that I had to buy new ones and so went on a bit of a book-buying spree. In short, I read a lot during my commutes on the Underground.
You may be wondering what reading on the Tube has to do with the girl I was dating. Well when we first started dating, message exchanges were short but regular on her part, and there was a general level of certainty that she wanted to meet up and that she liked me. This positive situation only really lasted about three weeks but during this time, I was still busy reading during my commute. Then after the initial few weeks, the girl’s interest towards meeting up fell away as she never had any availability (for me) nor made counter-suggestions to the dates I offered. i.e. Rather than, “Sorry, I can’t do Tuesday or Wednesday, but I could do Thursday if you were free?”, I would simply receive, “No, can’t do Tuesday or Wednesday”. The change in tone from the girl fuelled a lot of uncertainty within me allowing all my relationship-related insecurities to show themselves. All the usual questions started racing through my mind: Is she genuinely busy? Shall I wait a week to ask again to not look needy? Why isn’t she bothering to tell me when she’s available if my proposals don’t work? Why are her responses so noncommittal and ambiguous?
Once this uncertain period set in, my behaviour dramatically changed. We still continued to exchange messages but they became less and less frequent – more on her part – and I’d find myself checking my phone at every available opportunity to see if she’d read my message and if so, if she’d responded. Whenever there was any delay from her in responding to my messages I’d get all panicky, causing me to check my phone even more regularly. In addition, I stopped reading during my commute. I struggled to concentrate because I was worrying about the situation with the girl, which made me stressed, and the worry and stress manifested itself as mental exhaustion. I felt so tired on the Tube, morning and night, which was very unlike me, and I didn’t open a book for weeks. I've come to realise that how often I read is a pretty good 'litmus' test to judge how calm and at peace I am, mentally.
It’s not that surprising that I have colossal insecurities when it comes to intimate relationships. I had big issues originating from high school that made me avoid wanting to date, with P and PA then exacerbating these issues of my teenage years. I’ve also written at length about the relationships with my first and my second girlfriend, and the brief acquaintances I’ve had with three other people, and the various issues I experienced with all of these. Because of the dearth of intimate relationships during my life, whenever I come across a girl that likes me and we start dating I get fantastically excited, and in the moment I am ineffably happy. However, I’m simultaneously deeply unhappy as I’m in a constant state of panic as I worry about losing the girl I am seeing. These two diametrically opposed emotions wreak havoc with my mind and as it can’t cope, it simply shuts down; perhaps like a car engine would do if you attempted to try driving it forwards and backwards at the same time. Inevitably the unhappiness wins over and I become a shell of my usual self; my confidence falls away, my concentration levels disappear, I can’t sleep, and I lose my appetite. Admittedly, much of this negativity first ‘kicks-in’ after the initial few dates when the ‘new person’ novelty and excitement wears off, and then steadily ramps up when there is the teeniest behavioural change in the girl: ‘she normally responds to messages within a few hours and it’s nearly been a whole day’, or ‘her messages are usually quite long and she’s only sent two short sentences’.
When the worry and uncertainty starts to set in, I then commence on my own emotional rollercoaster. As an example, if the girl has been slow to reply to me, I start to panic and stress out, checking my phone constantly for a response. Then when I do get a notification that girl has replied to me, I experience what can only be described as a wave of euphoria overwhelming my body, and I really calm down. Although I can't comment from experience, I can only imagine that this feeling of bliss that overcomes me once I do get a response is not dissimilar to an addict getting a dose of their preferred narcotic after being made to wait a little too long for a hit. Whichever way you look at it, it's not a very healthy way to be...
In previous journal entries I’ve discussed at length that I probably suffer from some form of Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD); no surprise there. I think my brain just isn’t wired to deal with the ambiguity present within an emotional context as it goes haywire at the merest hint of uncertainty from the other party. I yearn for being in a steady and stable romantic relationship as being alone sucks. However, as this will never happen for me I avoid pursuing relationships because I can’t deal with the emotional turmoil. I feel much calmer on my own as I don’t have to second guess someone’s intentions, nor do I need to constantly worry about what they’re thinking or whether they truly like me. I’m in a sort of vicious cycle or Catch-22 situation where I am fed up of being alone, festering in my own personal void of emptiness and dearly craving intimacy, whilst simultaneously fearing relationships because of my insecurities and the emotional nightmare I inevitably enter into when in a relationship.
Urgh....
