What a day yesterday. Let me start by saying this is a happy day lol. My wife and I got into a little argument and I really really wanted to just go watch some P and release, but I didn't. Instead i actually left the house, went to get 2 checker burgers, and sat in my car and ate them lol. When I came back, i humbled myself and apologized and she followed up with her own apology. BE QUICK TO FORGIVE! I took a shower, without fantasizing I started feeling my "piece" and I got like to like a level 10 boner. I don't think that was ever possible. I actually jerked it a few times and I felt that feeling like if i do this for 2 more minutes i'd definitely explode. I'm not counting this as a backslide or should I? I know we aren't supposed to look at P, girls twerkin and stuff, or fantasize. I didn't do either.
I also stopped because, as you know from reading my posts, my wife and I are looking to get pregnant asap so i'd want all that explosion to go into her rather than my shower floor. We also had a long conversation about communication and we were NOT on the same page. She was saying she didn't want to tell me she was ovulating because she didn't want me to feel bad. I said NOOOOO, tell me, I'd at least try. I asked when haven't I tried when you told me that, she replied we haven't had sex in over 2 months. It's funny how women give you the answer they wanna give lol. So her mindset was she rather we focus on having sex regularly first and then worry about getting pregnant, but at the same time she wanted us to focus on getting pregnant. I was like well when are you ovulating and she said now. I was so frustrated at that point. I told her about the go hard mode again, because I already sent her several videos and watched a couple with her over the last 6+ months. I had to regain my composure because at the end of the day it's still ALL MY FAULT! We laid in bed, i started playing with my "piece" again assuming it would work JUST like it did in the shower not even a hour ago. It started getting hard, and i told her to get the lube, she poured it on me and it felt good but the boner went away instantaneously. I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED! Like i just was a 12 (if 10 was rock hard), and now it's a -1??? I kept trying to rub it for the next 30 minutes, nothing. I started praying and this time I wasn't verbally abusive in my head to myself and whoever else. I just kept calm.
At this point my wife is tired of waiting, and I'm thinking this isn't sex. Sex isn't i get hard by myself and she just sits there waiting. So i tell her that and i'm like we need to make out and stuff. She says like "eh, i dunno". She breaks down that she really tired of "trying", which is fair, that's her truth and her own walk. I have to give her space for that, even though it's hard. She says she's tried it for 5 years, even though i've only known her for 5 years and we haven't been married for 4 years yet. Basically she's showing her pain that we haven't EVER had a steady sex life since our wedding day. She's tried lingerie, dancing for me, etc. She starts tearing up and it just makes me more frustrated at MYSELF. I ask if she wants to speak to a therapist but her reply is, that costs money. I felt bad and we didn't speak for like 30 minutes. She also said that people are different so the "go hard mode" that people with porn addiction and PIED do could take years. I had to reinforce to her that yes, people recover differently, but it won't take years! She just knows she's on a time clock with her eggs and she wants to get pregnant asap. Not to mention, all her friends are getting pregnant now and every movie/show we watch is about babies somehow!!
She made me doubt myself and how long it could be for me. There's no room for doubt, especially if you're praying. We calmed down, she got back in bed and turned on tv. I kept stroking my piece. I start to feel it getting harder again after all that lube dried up and I could get some traction, before it was like wet soap in the shower. I tell her to lube herself and I thought we were all good and it weakened again, i didn't give up though! I tried feeling it again and i got it to like a 9 and we were in! I then got to release within like 10 minutes max. I was thanking God the whole time lololol out loud. I was so happy and grateful. We broke our 2 month streak! I hadn't released in a while and i'm glad i waited. After we finished, we started watching tv again and I started feeling myself again and I was thinking about what we just did and I got another 10 in my hands but she was already sleep lol. The happy thought is that there's always a possibility that she could get pregnant off what we did last night and i love that thought. We did our part and i prayed to God that He do His. One of these days my post will start with...WE DID IT!! That "we" includes God.