How Shall We Escape?

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, @GBS. I'll be on as often as I can, given that ironically, I see RN as identifying with my own unwanted behaviors- so, there's that. But, I'm happy to be of help any way I can.

Yes, it's important- so important, to separate ourselves from the addiction as 'not us', and even to personalize it, like many would speak of 'the beast' as that indulgent part of us encouraging the addiction.

Excellent point, that, yes- the 'AV' gets weaker and weaker, quieter and quieter, as the neural pathways become less and less used.

Thank God for neuroplasticity!

 

[Phineas 808]

Are you changing unwanted behaviors with willpower or no-will power?

You've heard the term 'white-knuckling' ? This is where you're exerting every effort not to do the thing you're obsessing about, P, PMO, or for some MO. And yet, you're barely making it. Maybe you're peeking, maybe you're moving as close as you can to the behavior without technically doing the behavior; think, edging or p-subs.

Maybe you've also heard the maxim: 99% is a bitch, 100% is a breeze. This maxim suggests that it's not so much about willpower, trying to not do what you've trained your brain to do, but about perception.

If you whittle your whole life down to an unwanted habit or addiction, then, yeah- each moment is a white-knuckle or dry-drunk ride of your life. But if you accept that this issue is just a small part, albeit an important part, of your whole self, then you simply choose your whole life, with all it meaning and purpose, which is so much bigger than this portion we call an addiction, that your perspective will shift.

Setting course for your whole-self, your perfect version of yourself, enables you to put it in 'cruise-control' (set-it-and-forget-it), and live without overly exerting willpower; but overly focusing on your unwanted habit distorts life into that small space, and it then becomes 'black-or-white' or 'all-or-nothing' if you do or do not do your habit. This is why even the smallest failures are a catastrophe to you.

Let go, and just be your better version. This requires forgiving yourself and not catastrophizing your imperfections. Radical acceptance.

 

[Phineas 808]

Never underestimate the habits that surround your [unwanted] habit.

Pay close attention to yourself. What's going on internally, emotionally, that leads up to a lapse? What's going on externally, in your environment, your circumstances or your activities, that lead up to a lapse?

Hack into the matrix of your habit by changing something, anything surrounding your habit. Do you take the phone into the restroom at night, innocently, until it's not...? Do you find yourself typically angry for no reason prior to a lapse? Leave the phone outside the restroom. Ask yourself why are you feeling angry or sad all of a sudden. Recognize that your thought/emotional patterns often precede a lapse. Address those feelings or patterns, and you'll affect the overall habit.

Know the patterns, know yourself.

 

[Phineas 808]

Self-worth. How much a man is tied up in what he does or what his work is... Isn't that always a go-to question at parties or social gatherings? "So, what do you do for a living?" I've always disliked this line of questioning, especially as it seems to suggest that all one is can be summed up in what they do.

It's true to say that we are not our job, we are not our career, nor are we our bank accounts. This is a question of identity.

As men, there is nonetheless a deep and ingrained need for purpose hardwired into our psyche. This is why when we lose a job, especially one we've been on for years it can tend to cause a kind of tail-spin in finding self-worth in ourselves. We're suddenly no longer the provider we were, no longer finding our purpose as men.

And perhaps one's partner isn't as supportive, berating rather than backing.

These could touch on deeper core issues on identity and self-worth that may be rooted into one's family of origin.

None of the above are an excuse toward behaving badly, but neither should we take for granted these psychological factors, if they apply, in our recovery.