So this is my start of rebooting.

scott.84

Member
Day 81 Day 1

I relapsed yesterday. Somehow my mind tricked me into downloading and watching porn. At first, I only wanted to watch without touching myself in order to see if it would get me aroused. But after a while I started touching and suddenly became extremely aroused. I stopped before I had an orgasm, but I guess my dick was already overstimulated and sensitive so after about 20 seconds, I came nonetheless. It was good. It felt really nice (although it was ruined).

Well, afterwards I felt quite stupid. It sucks to relapse so close to my 90 day goal. But actually, I feel quite good today. Last night I had strong urges to masturbate again, even thought about watching porn. But I didn't. That's one good thing. Also, I have no signs of a flatline and I'm somehow ok with my failure.

So what now? I don't think that I will start a 90 day reboot again. The official end of my reboot would have been on July 26th, so I think I'll stay away from PMO until I reach that date. And from that day on, I will try to stay away from porn but allow myself occasional masturbation and having sex.

I mean, rebooting is not about counting days, it's about changing habits. And I have already made progress in changing my behaviour. This relapse yesterday won't tear all of that apart.

Cheers,
scott
 
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EarthWalker

Active Member
Similar story here. Got a bit possessed, come on...watch P without touching yourself you will see how much you have progressed. A bit of a struggle to shake that off. Then ended up MOing to P fantasy anyway.

It will get better. It is getting better.

Seeing us free from P.
EW
 

yogi

Member
That's the typical script of a relapse scene.

Have lived through that several times. What's amazing is how the brain almost shuts down when you encounter the porn, as if someone else is controlling you (it's actually the hardwired habit pathways in our brain that light up).

Anyway we will overcome this.
 

scott.84

Member
Thank you! Reading that I'm not the only one encountering this is really helpful. And I am sure we will overcome this and finally be free from porn, too :)
 

scott.84

Member
Day 1

On Saturday, I totally fucked up. I think there were several reasons for this. I would have liked some company, but unfortunately nobody had time. So I wanted to go to a quarry pond, but because of the weather I finally didn't go. I had the feeling that there might be a thunderstorm coming up. So I was bored. I felt lonely. Due to the heat I couldn't really motivate myself to do anything. So I finally ended up bingeing to porn. I started looking up stuff. At first, I didn't want to download it (at least I told myself that). Later I downloaded it and watched it and edged for hours until I finally orgasmed.
On Sunday, I knew I was quite vulnerable to fall back again. So I decided to go jogging, which I haven't done the whole weak before due to the warm weather. That felt quite good. I really got in a good mood after that bad Saturday feelings. But later, I got at it again. There was some stuff which I wasn't able to get for free. And since I wanted to watch that badly, I actually paid for it. Something, which I haven't done very often.
Later I also binged to all that stuff and masturbated till I was finally empty. It really felt that way. I was empty both physically and emotionally. The last time I didn't really enjoy it. I just did it because. Well. I just did it.

So today, I'm going for a new start. I'm feeling quite bad. The weeks before, when I was still in reboot mode, I felt much better. Today I'm just exhausted. I'm feeling kinda lonely and disconnected. I know this will pass. It has always passed and there are much better days to come.

But what I'm sure of now, is that I don't want to watch porn again. I really got carried away on Saturday. After feeling lonely and sad, my mind was literally occupied with porn. It was good at the moment to suppress the bad feelings that I had. But actually, everything got worse once I started giving in to porn. As much as I used to like it, I don't want it anymore.

So this time, I will allow myself to have sex. I want to have real sexual encounters with people, not pixels. I even think that masturbating is okay when it happens occasionally. But I want to reduce that to as little as possible and for the restart I want no masturbation at all for the next 30 days.
The main thing is: I absolutely don't want any porn. I was very lax as regards to looking at pictures from Google Search or looking up new stuff from models I like. I will count all of that as a relapse in the future.

So much for now. Thanks for reading.
Have a nice day,
scott
 
I believe in you. Next time you get the urge to watch porn, remember "If getting upset about something unpleasant is like being bitten by a snake, desiring to grasp for what seems pleasant is like grabbing the snake's tail- sooner or later, it will bite you".
 

yogi

Member
Scott, dust it off and start afresh. Believe in yourself!

Remember, each day, each hour you decide not to fap, you are weakening your addiction pathways.
You will have to do this consciously, mindfully.

The erotic pictures are there all over the place. No one can escape them. That's not a priority.
The priority is to be able to get to a point where you can firmly say " Even if I come across an explicit material I trust myself not to get excited or lured back into fapping". That is real victory over addiction.

Cheering for you!
 
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