Reboot Journal
- Thread starter Aussie_85
- Start date
I've used drugs in the past too...none of the stuff I tried comes close to porn. But if I'm honest, that is probably mainly because they cost a lot more $$$ and take a bit of effort to get. Porn is free and instant and can be done in secrecy. It's almost funny how perfect an addictive 'substance' it is.Aussie_85 said:
BTW congrats on the daughter. I myself am not planning to have children, but I often think it would change me for the better. It sounds like (despite the sleep deprivation
) it is having a positive impact on you, which is great.
Aussie_85
Active Member
Hey man,
It's a hard thing to really explain and your right with the part of it being free, easily accessible. And it's kind of silent in a way. It's not as damaging or "dangerous" as hard drugs. you can use it everyday and wont die, or fry your brain to the point of being drug fucked.
The best nights of my life were spent on ecstasy on dancefloors of clubs and raves in Sydney - back in the day 2003 - 2008.2008 was the last time I did hard drugs. I'm really grateful I was lucky enough to experience the dance music scene when I did, it's completely fucked now. So the actual feelings of drugs "feel" better obviously than fapping, the high that is - but it's fleeting where porn is always there and can be used as an escape for me personally, way more effectively than drugs.
I'm interested in researching if men use imagination as much as me in their use - as I've said in past posts i will literally make up stories as I'm going in my mind putting myself in the scenes and completely losing myself - instead of, in comparison - watching porn and thinking "she's hot" and just masturbating over the physical looks of her. which i did do to, but mostly the playing out weird ass long and detailed scripts in my mind like i was a fucking author or some shit, whilst fapping.
Thanks for your post Seb, wishing the best for you.
Day: 26
Shits getting real now. My dick is completely dead, shrunken. no sex drive. Increased anxiety, dizziness, insomnia...and this ever increasing hungover scattered kind of Derrrrr feeling. It's like the anhedonia type nothing is pleasurable feeling x 10. Just a complete lack of drive to live (sounds fucked). I know this is normal and is due to further decline in dopamine and rising in stress hormones etc.
Time is also slowing right down, the last 4 days seems like 2 weeks. My daughter is keeping us both busty and I'm always doing shit around the house which helps me not go into a negative mind space. The yards were fun today in 35 Celsius heat.
So as I've said I'll never look at porn or masturbate again. For me masturbation is pointless and to close to porn for me to go back to. Why wank when i basically have sex on tap, and if I were single ( if you are and reading this) believe me it's worth waiting for a woman. I was at a stage once where I had to pay for sex, and i paid - a lot. over 10 years thousands of dollars on pro's....I'd say over 150 prostitutes. i thought i would Never find a woman to be with, "how could anyone ever love me?" - i was in a very very dark place, and i can assure anyone reading this that life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you. I also started noticing things, attractive, intelligent women are with complete dumbass ugly guys...how? why? it's confidence and no fucks given - if your smart, that's a huge plus for women, looks can be worked on with diet and exercise - but basically just being aware of how just bizarre most of society is puts you a step up as far as picking up women - people are in their own little worlds who rarely think about shit deeply like mortality, fleeting youth etc - a lot of people are selfish and dumb to put it bluntly lol.
That's all for today.
It's a hard thing to really explain and your right with the part of it being free, easily accessible. And it's kind of silent in a way. It's not as damaging or "dangerous" as hard drugs. you can use it everyday and wont die, or fry your brain to the point of being drug fucked.
The best nights of my life were spent on ecstasy on dancefloors of clubs and raves in Sydney - back in the day 2003 - 2008.2008 was the last time I did hard drugs. I'm really grateful I was lucky enough to experience the dance music scene when I did, it's completely fucked now. So the actual feelings of drugs "feel" better obviously than fapping, the high that is - but it's fleeting where porn is always there and can be used as an escape for me personally, way more effectively than drugs.
I'm interested in researching if men use imagination as much as me in their use - as I've said in past posts i will literally make up stories as I'm going in my mind putting myself in the scenes and completely losing myself - instead of, in comparison - watching porn and thinking "she's hot" and just masturbating over the physical looks of her. which i did do to, but mostly the playing out weird ass long and detailed scripts in my mind like i was a fucking author or some shit, whilst fapping.
Thanks for your post Seb, wishing the best for you.
Day: 26
Shits getting real now. My dick is completely dead, shrunken. no sex drive. Increased anxiety, dizziness, insomnia...and this ever increasing hungover scattered kind of Derrrrr feeling. It's like the anhedonia type nothing is pleasurable feeling x 10. Just a complete lack of drive to live (sounds fucked). I know this is normal and is due to further decline in dopamine and rising in stress hormones etc.
Time is also slowing right down, the last 4 days seems like 2 weeks. My daughter is keeping us both busty and I'm always doing shit around the house which helps me not go into a negative mind space. The yards were fun today in 35 Celsius heat.
So as I've said I'll never look at porn or masturbate again. For me masturbation is pointless and to close to porn for me to go back to. Why wank when i basically have sex on tap, and if I were single ( if you are and reading this) believe me it's worth waiting for a woman. I was at a stage once where I had to pay for sex, and i paid - a lot. over 10 years thousands of dollars on pro's....I'd say over 150 prostitutes. i thought i would Never find a woman to be with, "how could anyone ever love me?" - i was in a very very dark place, and i can assure anyone reading this that life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you. I also started noticing things, attractive, intelligent women are with complete dumbass ugly guys...how? why? it's confidence and no fucks given - if your smart, that's a huge plus for women, looks can be worked on with diet and exercise - but basically just being aware of how just bizarre most of society is puts you a step up as far as picking up women - people are in their own little worlds who rarely think about shit deeply like mortality, fleeting youth etc - a lot of people are selfish and dumb to put it bluntly lol.
That's all for today.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
That was interesting, especially the last part. But I?d go further than what you said: being aware of yourself and of the world you live in isn?t just detrimental to your relationships towards women, but to almost everything, basically. Somehow, being aware that you are alive, that you have to make choices, that there are different ways to do things, that there are things that are good for you and some that are bad for you, all of that, turn existence into a complicated thing. Animals don?t live like that, they don?t reflect on existence, they just exist. There?s no such things as PIED, or addictions, or envy, or anything like that in the animal world. The more you think, the more you worry... And the more you worry, the less natural becomes your existence. I believe that?s why women like men who don?t worry that much: they are more alive, more instinctive. You don?t attract people with wise observations, or because you can analyze things properly, you attract them with good vibes. Worrying about everything kills those vibes, and it becomes a vicious cycle, because the more you worry, the more shitty becomes your life, which eventually leads to you worrying even more. So I guess rebooting is not just about staying away from porn, but also about changing the way you live. In other words, it?s about trying to become healthy. It?s probably the same with all addictions, I mean, you don?t become an alcoholic or a drug addict just for fun. You do that because you?re not in peace with yourself, because you probably feel emotionally overwhelmed very often and use substances to somehow ease the pain and discomfort. That?s how it is for me, anyway.
Thanks for your post. It made me realize just how much I overthink and worry. It?s probably a good idea to avoid doing this as much as possible. Most of the time, it doesn?t help you in any way, and it?s probably very detrimental for your general well-being. I will try to work on that.
Thanks for your post. It made me realize just how much I overthink and worry. It?s probably a good idea to avoid doing this as much as possible. Most of the time, it doesn?t help you in any way, and it?s probably very detrimental for your general well-being. I will try to work on that.
Aussie_85
Active Member
Absolutuely bro some very good points made.
Its a balance between being aware of life/things but not worrying/stressing. Spot on about women being attracted to the care free vibes, when you move past the initial "pickup" though they want a stable guy who they feel safe with - physically and emotionally, if your so carefree that your a hispter hippie, in our 30's.....that becomes an issue.
Being wound up tight and stressed, anxious and scared of rejection is what is so hard for porn addicts to get over and not project onto others in social situations.
I like talking about this shit, sociology is an interest of mine.
Thanks for your post.
Its a balance between being aware of life/things but not worrying/stressing. Spot on about women being attracted to the care free vibes, when you move past the initial "pickup" though they want a stable guy who they feel safe with - physically and emotionally, if your so carefree that your a hispter hippie, in our 30's.....that becomes an issue.
Being wound up tight and stressed, anxious and scared of rejection is what is so hard for porn addicts to get over and not project onto others in social situations.
I like talking about this shit, sociology is an interest of mine.
Thanks for your post.
Aussie_85
Active Member
Day: 27
Withdrawals Are Hell!!!
Now I'm remembering what this shit was like 6 years ago. Increased anxiety and insomnia, dizziness and the plain lazy lack of 'get up and go'. The spaced out kind of drugged feeling, the fight or flight response activated at strange unnecessary times - as if my brain is short circuiting. Come to think of it it's basically the same way iv'e been feeling for most of my adult life, just amplified massively - with a few new symptoms thrown in to make it more fun. Time is REALLY going slowly now as well, the days are just dragging out.
I have a feeling I'm going to be hit even harder with withdrawals, a feeling of impeding doom - bring it on if that's the case - my life is worth fighting for and I'll do anything to overcome this shit and be the father my daughter needs and partner my misso needs.
Had the strongest urges I've had for quite some time today.
Also in a bit of a down mood, it's like the guilt and regret of wasting the majority of my youth...the reality of the enormity of that just hits home when rebooting. As I've said previously my daughter has been the key to the proverbial lock of my pornography addiction - although I highly recommend not fathering your first child and entering a reboot at the same time - as I type this now it's 1:30 am and i have the baby monitor in front of me, hoping she doesn't wake up screaming having to change her nappy.
That's all for today.
Withdrawals Are Hell!!!
Now I'm remembering what this shit was like 6 years ago. Increased anxiety and insomnia, dizziness and the plain lazy lack of 'get up and go'. The spaced out kind of drugged feeling, the fight or flight response activated at strange unnecessary times - as if my brain is short circuiting. Come to think of it it's basically the same way iv'e been feeling for most of my adult life, just amplified massively - with a few new symptoms thrown in to make it more fun. Time is REALLY going slowly now as well, the days are just dragging out.
I have a feeling I'm going to be hit even harder with withdrawals, a feeling of impeding doom - bring it on if that's the case - my life is worth fighting for and I'll do anything to overcome this shit and be the father my daughter needs and partner my misso needs.
Had the strongest urges I've had for quite some time today.
Also in a bit of a down mood, it's like the guilt and regret of wasting the majority of my youth...the reality of the enormity of that just hits home when rebooting. As I've said previously my daughter has been the key to the proverbial lock of my pornography addiction - although I highly recommend not fathering your first child and entering a reboot at the same time - as I type this now it's 1:30 am and i have the baby monitor in front of me, hoping she doesn't wake up screaming having to change her nappy.
That's all for today.
Aussie_85 said:
Hey Aussie, remember that everything you're going through right now means this is actually working right now. Stay occupied & stay positive wherever possible.
Try not to dwell too much on regrets of the past or feelings of futility, it's the addict minds way of tricking you into giving up & giving in. Let it pass through your head without over-thinking it & you'll be okay.
Keep up the good work!
Aussie_85
Active Member
Hey akpal2 thanks heaps for the support man! appreciate it.
Orbiter - thanks man, that's actually a great way of looking at WD's - that it means the reboot is working and my brain is changing! think Gabe or one of the guys on YouTube mention this as well I just never thought of it that way.
Day: 28
As predicted I feel even worse today, all the previous symptoms mentioned are worsening, now i have a headache, body aches - fatigue - feel like shit. I was up until 9:00 am with my daughter though, she had a very restless night and wouldn't settle.
One thing i thought of today was that because I'm abstaining from sex and orgasm during my reboot for 6 months, a cool and productive way of looking at it is doing it monthly blocks. I wont be doing a 'calendar' 6 months, instead 6 blocks of 30 days - then introduce weekly sex with my girlfriend with one orgasm for 1 month, then go from there.
That's' all for today.
Orbiter - thanks man, that's actually a great way of looking at WD's - that it means the reboot is working and my brain is changing! think Gabe or one of the guys on YouTube mention this as well I just never thought of it that way.
Day: 28
As predicted I feel even worse today, all the previous symptoms mentioned are worsening, now i have a headache, body aches - fatigue - feel like shit. I was up until 9:00 am with my daughter though, she had a very restless night and wouldn't settle.
One thing i thought of today was that because I'm abstaining from sex and orgasm during my reboot for 6 months, a cool and productive way of looking at it is doing it monthly blocks. I wont be doing a 'calendar' 6 months, instead 6 blocks of 30 days - then introduce weekly sex with my girlfriend with one orgasm for 1 month, then go from there.
That's' all for today.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Sounds like a good plan. I?d like to mention, though, that in my opinion, taking it slow with orgasms, and even sex, is more useful for guys who suffer from ED. We have to do this to have a functioning dick again. Of course, it won?t hurt you to do this. But the reason I?m writing this is because I went 100 days with no sex, and while my girlfriend is also very supportive, it was starting to be hard on our relationship. I mean, nothing dramatic, but it somehow created a distance. My girlfriend also starting to feel like I did not desire her anymore, things like that.
As I said, it?s cool that you want to go hard mode for 6 months, it?s probably the best way to go. I still wanted to remind you that since you don?t have PIED, it might not be necessary for you, at least not as necessary as it is for us guys who have PIED.
You?re doing good.
As I said, it?s cool that you want to go hard mode for 6 months, it?s probably the best way to go. I still wanted to remind you that since you don?t have PIED, it might not be necessary for you, at least not as necessary as it is for us guys who have PIED.
You?re doing good.
Aussie_85
Active Member
That's a really good point bilbo.
I know it's hard on partners - understandably, having to endure the reboot with us. We're both lucky to have that bro, as I'm sure you know.
For me i just feel like i need a break from orgasms and sex for a long period of time to give my brain a break. As your an OG you would've heard and possibly experienced the post orgasm issues many guys report - that's why I want to take it slowly when reintroducing them. So if we have sex a few times, no hangover or chaser effect...i wont stick to the once a week for a month rule...it's more of a rough guideline I've set out to add an extra layer of organisation. If on the other hand, in ( insert time frame here ) I'm feeling good, getting spontaneous erections, morning wood ( which I never get, I can just always get it up with sex ) etc then i'll try sex before the 6 blocks of 30 days. So by no means is this one of those locked in type plans.
Thanks for the post bro appreciate it.
Also to all who see this - please head on over to the Porn Addiction thread and vote on the poll - Porn Duration Sessions - that i posted, I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks again to everyone supporting me, your all great guys and i wish the best for you all, sincerely.
I know it's hard on partners - understandably, having to endure the reboot with us. We're both lucky to have that bro, as I'm sure you know.
For me i just feel like i need a break from orgasms and sex for a long period of time to give my brain a break. As your an OG you would've heard and possibly experienced the post orgasm issues many guys report - that's why I want to take it slowly when reintroducing them. So if we have sex a few times, no hangover or chaser effect...i wont stick to the once a week for a month rule...it's more of a rough guideline I've set out to add an extra layer of organisation. If on the other hand, in ( insert time frame here ) I'm feeling good, getting spontaneous erections, morning wood ( which I never get, I can just always get it up with sex ) etc then i'll try sex before the 6 blocks of 30 days. So by no means is this one of those locked in type plans.
Thanks for the post bro appreciate it.
Also to all who see this - please head on over to the Porn Addiction thread and vote on the poll - Porn Duration Sessions - that i posted, I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks again to everyone supporting me, your all great guys and i wish the best for you all, sincerely.
Good job on 28 days, Aussie!
I'm not sure I understand the no orgasm with the wife/girl friend thing, but maybe it's a 'to-each-their-own' thing?
My personal thought is, if the orgasm is with a real human being, and not with yourself (autoeroticism), or not with pixalized women on a screen, then you're doing real rebooting.
Either way, continue on, and be blessed!
I'm not sure I understand the no orgasm with the wife/girl friend thing, but maybe it's a 'to-each-their-own' thing?
My personal thought is, if the orgasm is with a real human being, and not with yourself (autoeroticism), or not with pixalized women on a screen, then you're doing real rebooting.
Either way, continue on, and be blessed!
Aussie_85
Active Member
Phineas 808 said:
Hey mate,
Basically from all I have read over the years going a period of time without orgasm can speed up the recovery process - and many men report huge spikes in urges when having sex early during a reboot causing relapses. So it's possible that orgasming to early into a reboot could slow down the process of our dopamine receptors ( and other parts and chemicals of the addicted brain ) returning to normal functioning, in a sense re-stimulating that pathway of - orgasm, porn - that we have conditioned our brains to be used to getting - but in theory your right. Right now I'm in a flatline, and if it follows my last decent reboot 6 years ago - I was in a flatline for the entire 3 months. No libido, penis physically shrunken, cold and dead. jumping into an ice cold shower shrinkage, but permanent. This physical response, disregarding all my other withdrawal symptoms tells me my brain is completely freaking out and in shock. It's kinda scary. What I'm doing is listening to my body. And right now my body is freaking out from not having the constant hits of dopamine from artificial stimuli...adding orgasms while I'm flatlining, at least for the foreseeable future is extremely counter productive in my opinion. But by no means am i trying to say this is the path everyone should follow or that I know for a fact orgasming right now would delay my progress or cause a relapse - this is just my own belief and conclusion after reading so much about it, and it just makes sense.
Rebooting while in a deep flatline is relatively easy urge wise. There are no massive whole days battling urges to watch ,so coming out of the flatline for me is not something i even want for at least 2 more months.
If your addicted to porn and remove porn, your goal of quitting porn is achieved. So for sure anyone reading this if you don't use porn and MO to touch daily, or have sex with your partner daily - you Will recover from porn addiction - eventually. And if it works for you great, whatever works for you to not use porn ever again, is amazing - but be honest with yourself if one thing isn't working for you. my personal advice is why risk dragging the reboot out? Just go no O for a while and see what happens.
Aussie.
akpal just saw your post,
I did my best to keep it trigger free bro 8)
Thanks again guys.
It makes sense, Aussie_85, especially if one is challenged with severe frying of the dopamine receptors and flatline.
Rewiring with our significant other is certainly the goal we?re all striving for in our reboots.
Be well.
Rewiring with our significant other is certainly the goal we?re all striving for in our reboots.
Be well.
Aussie_85
Active Member
Day: 29
Feeling it today.
I'm definitely becoming more depressed each day, the lack of sleep from withdrawal insomnia and looking after a new born baby is killing me. I've had 3 hours sleep in 24 hours. Really starting to get de-ja-vu from 2012, of all the withdrawal symptoms - insomnia is by far the worst. I get through every slow ass boring day...only to not be able to sleep - it just makes it so much harder.
The daunting fact that I'm still so early into the reboot is also pissing me of - although still proud of myself. Getting quite irritated today over nothing in general. I've been waiting for my iPhone 12 pro to be delivered, and the fucking asshole delivery driver didn't even ring the doorbell, just left a card in the letterbox so i have to go and pick it up - a minor annoyance, i wanted to fuck the guy up...i just felt that anger inside.
That's it.
Feeling it today.
I'm definitely becoming more depressed each day, the lack of sleep from withdrawal insomnia and looking after a new born baby is killing me. I've had 3 hours sleep in 24 hours. Really starting to get de-ja-vu from 2012, of all the withdrawal symptoms - insomnia is by far the worst. I get through every slow ass boring day...only to not be able to sleep - it just makes it so much harder.
The daunting fact that I'm still so early into the reboot is also pissing me of - although still proud of myself. Getting quite irritated today over nothing in general. I've been waiting for my iPhone 12 pro to be delivered, and the fucking asshole delivery driver didn't even ring the doorbell, just left a card in the letterbox so i have to go and pick it up - a minor annoyance, i wanted to fuck the guy up...i just felt that anger inside.
That's it.
Hey Aussie!
Withdrawal symptoms ;/ Never fun. I'm dealing with insomnia too. If your problem is more waking up while sleeping rather than actually being able to fall asleep, I can't be much of help but if you're having trouble actually falling asleep try out the military method. US military soldiers use a 5 minute sleeping technique to help them fall asleep when they are dealing with stress, anxiety, or restlessness. There are great videos about this method and how to actually utilize it on youtube. I would link it to you but I'm not supposed to go on youtube for my reboot. Just google it and it should show up!
You're going to have your rough days where its not only stressful but you feel pessimistic. Focus on the long haul; this is a lifestyle change, its gonna be tough, but you HAVE to do it. Best of luck.
Withdrawal symptoms ;/ Never fun. I'm dealing with insomnia too. If your problem is more waking up while sleeping rather than actually being able to fall asleep, I can't be much of help but if you're having trouble actually falling asleep try out the military method. US military soldiers use a 5 minute sleeping technique to help them fall asleep when they are dealing with stress, anxiety, or restlessness. There are great videos about this method and how to actually utilize it on youtube. I would link it to you but I'm not supposed to go on youtube for my reboot. Just google it and it should show up!
You're going to have your rough days where its not only stressful but you feel pessimistic. Focus on the long haul; this is a lifestyle change, its gonna be tough, but you HAVE to do it. Best of luck.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
White noise can also help you to fall asleep. You can find videos of white noise on YouTube, or you could by a little box called Lectrofan. I have one and I like it, not only for sleeping but also during the day when there?s too much activity in the house and I want to be in my own space, it dampens all the noises around you.