Reboot Journal
- Thread starter Aussie_85
- Start date
Aussie_85
Active Member
Hey nation I'm back,
Long story short I've relapsed 6 times all up - it's been a real struggle with trying to reboot and having a baby with severe colic - minimal sleep, a moody woman etc. I'm actually going pretty well mentally facing the reality that i relapsed pretty bad. Thing is it's not the end of the world, i know what to do and actions speak louder than words.
The reason for my short hiatus was i realised i was spending way to much time on here - checking the forum like 20 times a day! using it almost like a social media platform.
I need to learn how to have some self control in all aspects of my life, i tend to over-do everything....
hope your all well -
Aussie.
Long story short I've relapsed 6 times all up - it's been a real struggle with trying to reboot and having a baby with severe colic - minimal sleep, a moody woman etc. I'm actually going pretty well mentally facing the reality that i relapsed pretty bad. Thing is it's not the end of the world, i know what to do and actions speak louder than words.
The reason for my short hiatus was i realised i was spending way to much time on here - checking the forum like 20 times a day! using it almost like a social media platform.
I need to learn how to have some self control in all aspects of my life, i tend to over-do everything....
hope your all well -
Aussie.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Hey man, good to have you back. Yeah, relapses and spending too much time on the forum... Those are the struggles of the rebooter, man. Happily, things can always improve, if we give it our best shot. Hope you?re well.
Aussie_85
Active Member
Thanks bilbo, how's thing with you man?
Day: 2
I've had a rough week, my daughter has severe colic - basically an upset stomach which means she spends most of the time screaming. It's hard because there's nothing we can do to help her. We have her on a product that's supposed to ease the symptoms - and it's expensive $100 per bottle - it's not working. My sleep pattern has been shit for years from night shift/PMO but now it's worse than it's ever been - I've slept 4 hours in the last 30+ hours. It's 3:17 am here now. My girlfriend can't handle stress so just gets angry and takes everything out on me - and to top it off my dog, a 14 month old golden retriever is sick. Nothing to serious (i hope) he has an issue with recurring diareah - tried everything, had many vet visits and it just keeps coming back - he's also stressed because his routine is out of whack to - he doesn't understand why there's a screaming little gremlin.
I really don't think there's any other option than a radical change of diet and quitting smoking ASAP - anything to give my body a chance to feel just a bit physically better.
I came across a professor of psychology, author and YouTube lecturer from Canada - Jordan B Peterson - I highly recommend you guys check him out. He gained massive criticism for his views on free speech and genetic and social differences between men and women - what he speaks is truth though and most of his content is about how to help yourself, practically. I just bought his book - 12 rules for life.
I've been having fleeting, non planning suicidal thoughts as well - just like "what the fuck have I gotten myself into with this kid" then feeling guilty about being resentful of my daughter that I love more than anything. I think "why am i with this woman who can be so cruel/evil towards me" then also feel guilty over that - for the most part she understands her anger outbursts are unacceptable and most of the accusations she throws at me are bullshit - it's like she goes out of her way to try and hurt me. For me if someone really pisses me of i just say "fuck you" and get on with my day, i don't really try and hurt them, especially someone I love and care about. I wont suicide, ever. I'm an atheist and really just see it as a waste to end this short life for seemingly stupid reasons, and i couldn't do that to my family, GF, daughter and dog. I dunno i guess it's just my brains way of saying it's not happy with the current decisions I'm making - a sign to change things. I also lost 4 guys i grew up with to suicide, i wasn't close to them when they passed - as in hadn't spoken to them for years, but at one time we were close friends - 2 of them in particular.
The days are seeming like groundhog for me now, and i can't work when I'm so fatigued - i work in high risk environments operating high reach forklifts, lifting up to 5 Tonnes and operating complex plant machinery, it's honestly to dangerous when I'm not switched on.
All of these stressors are adding up to a bout of depression that i can feel bubbling away. I'm hoping a strict diet and reading/meditating/improving sleep can fix - otherwise it's back on those poisonous anti depressants, they work but i really don't like them or think they are healthy and the side effects can be brutal. They're a last ditch solution.
Aussie.
Day: 2
I've had a rough week, my daughter has severe colic - basically an upset stomach which means she spends most of the time screaming. It's hard because there's nothing we can do to help her. We have her on a product that's supposed to ease the symptoms - and it's expensive $100 per bottle - it's not working. My sleep pattern has been shit for years from night shift/PMO but now it's worse than it's ever been - I've slept 4 hours in the last 30+ hours. It's 3:17 am here now. My girlfriend can't handle stress so just gets angry and takes everything out on me - and to top it off my dog, a 14 month old golden retriever is sick. Nothing to serious (i hope) he has an issue with recurring diareah - tried everything, had many vet visits and it just keeps coming back - he's also stressed because his routine is out of whack to - he doesn't understand why there's a screaming little gremlin.
I really don't think there's any other option than a radical change of diet and quitting smoking ASAP - anything to give my body a chance to feel just a bit physically better.
I came across a professor of psychology, author and YouTube lecturer from Canada - Jordan B Peterson - I highly recommend you guys check him out. He gained massive criticism for his views on free speech and genetic and social differences between men and women - what he speaks is truth though and most of his content is about how to help yourself, practically. I just bought his book - 12 rules for life.
I've been having fleeting, non planning suicidal thoughts as well - just like "what the fuck have I gotten myself into with this kid" then feeling guilty about being resentful of my daughter that I love more than anything. I think "why am i with this woman who can be so cruel/evil towards me" then also feel guilty over that - for the most part she understands her anger outbursts are unacceptable and most of the accusations she throws at me are bullshit - it's like she goes out of her way to try and hurt me. For me if someone really pisses me of i just say "fuck you" and get on with my day, i don't really try and hurt them, especially someone I love and care about. I wont suicide, ever. I'm an atheist and really just see it as a waste to end this short life for seemingly stupid reasons, and i couldn't do that to my family, GF, daughter and dog. I dunno i guess it's just my brains way of saying it's not happy with the current decisions I'm making - a sign to change things. I also lost 4 guys i grew up with to suicide, i wasn't close to them when they passed - as in hadn't spoken to them for years, but at one time we were close friends - 2 of them in particular.
The days are seeming like groundhog for me now, and i can't work when I'm so fatigued - i work in high risk environments operating high reach forklifts, lifting up to 5 Tonnes and operating complex plant machinery, it's honestly to dangerous when I'm not switched on.
All of these stressors are adding up to a bout of depression that i can feel bubbling away. I'm hoping a strict diet and reading/meditating/improving sleep can fix - otherwise it's back on those poisonous anti depressants, they work but i really don't like them or think they are healthy and the side effects can be brutal. They're a last ditch solution.
Aussie.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Hey man,
Nice update. Pretty dark, but you seem to know what you have to do. Must not be easy right now, with your baby, your girlfriend and all you wrote about... I don?t know, I can?t think of anything that could be helpful to you right now. But you?re not alone, man. Sometimes we don?t feel like life is really worth it, I know the feeling. At the same, I?m still interested by the challenge to accomplish something. Life sucks, life is often boring, but it?s still possible to achieve something, and that?s a sufficient reason for me to keep going. I know you?re not really suicidal, and that you don?t need to be convinced that life is worth it, I?m just writing what came to my mind when I read your post.
I?ve been doing not bad, man. I have to thank you for this, because ever since we discussed about the fact we worry and think too much, I started working on that, and actually it hasn?t been that hard. I realized I always think too much, and that it?s not only useless, but also detrimental to me. For the last two weeks, I?ve tried to behave differently on that regard, and it works. I mean, I?m the same guy, but I try to just go with the flow and to shut my inner voice, and it?s better that way.
Overall almost everything in my life improved since I started rebooting ten months ago. Work is good, I have creative projects, I generally feel way better. The only thing that still bothers me is my libido. I thought I would have progressed more at this point, I mean, I didn?t even have the worst case of PIED, but things have only improved a little bit so far. It?s kinda weird to translate this into numbers, but I could say my sex drive was at around 30% before my reboot, and right now it would be around 40%. I know we can?t really calculate that, but it can still give you an idea of where I am in terms of recovery. The funny thing is that apart from that, I have a pretty decent life, I mean, it?s not written on my face that I have ED. I'm not a weird guy, it's just that attraction to real women isn't very powerful for me, even when I find them sexy or fun.
PIED is still a bit of a mystery to me, I don?t really know what to think about it and about recovery from PIED. I know it took a while for many guys to heal, so I?m more than willing to give it more time. But right now, I find it easier to just think about it as less as possible, because progress is very, very slow. That being said, things could be worse. I have a sex life, I?m often functional, so I can?t complain.
Keep it up, man. It takes courage to go back at it after relapsing, especially when you have a journal on a forum. Hats off to you, you?re doing good.
Nice update. Pretty dark, but you seem to know what you have to do. Must not be easy right now, with your baby, your girlfriend and all you wrote about... I don?t know, I can?t think of anything that could be helpful to you right now. But you?re not alone, man. Sometimes we don?t feel like life is really worth it, I know the feeling. At the same, I?m still interested by the challenge to accomplish something. Life sucks, life is often boring, but it?s still possible to achieve something, and that?s a sufficient reason for me to keep going. I know you?re not really suicidal, and that you don?t need to be convinced that life is worth it, I?m just writing what came to my mind when I read your post.
I?ve been doing not bad, man. I have to thank you for this, because ever since we discussed about the fact we worry and think too much, I started working on that, and actually it hasn?t been that hard. I realized I always think too much, and that it?s not only useless, but also detrimental to me. For the last two weeks, I?ve tried to behave differently on that regard, and it works. I mean, I?m the same guy, but I try to just go with the flow and to shut my inner voice, and it?s better that way.
Overall almost everything in my life improved since I started rebooting ten months ago. Work is good, I have creative projects, I generally feel way better. The only thing that still bothers me is my libido. I thought I would have progressed more at this point, I mean, I didn?t even have the worst case of PIED, but things have only improved a little bit so far. It?s kinda weird to translate this into numbers, but I could say my sex drive was at around 30% before my reboot, and right now it would be around 40%. I know we can?t really calculate that, but it can still give you an idea of where I am in terms of recovery. The funny thing is that apart from that, I have a pretty decent life, I mean, it?s not written on my face that I have ED. I'm not a weird guy, it's just that attraction to real women isn't very powerful for me, even when I find them sexy or fun.
PIED is still a bit of a mystery to me, I don?t really know what to think about it and about recovery from PIED. I know it took a while for many guys to heal, so I?m more than willing to give it more time. But right now, I find it easier to just think about it as less as possible, because progress is very, very slow. That being said, things could be worse. I have a sex life, I?m often functional, so I can?t complain.
Keep it up, man. It takes courage to go back at it after relapsing, especially when you have a journal on a forum. Hats off to you, you?re doing good.
"It's always darkest before the dawn" Winston Churchill. A good quote that I remember when I'm going through a particularly shit time, which it sounds like you are mate!
Jordan Peterson has some great ideas. I've read that book and I found it very helpful. One of the reasons he's so popular is because he's one of the few public intellectuals who actually sticks up for men. He's actually got a new book (the sequel to 12 rules) coming out in March I think. He is wrong on some shit but that's okay (like climate change, which I think he thinks is a leftist scaremongering thing) - doesn't mean his other ideas aren't good.
It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure man. I hope you are able to carve out some time for yourself amongst your other responsibilities.
Jordan Peterson has some great ideas. I've read that book and I found it very helpful. One of the reasons he's so popular is because he's one of the few public intellectuals who actually sticks up for men. He's actually got a new book (the sequel to 12 rules) coming out in March I think. He is wrong on some shit but that's okay (like climate change, which I think he thinks is a leftist scaremongering thing) - doesn't mean his other ideas aren't good.
It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure man. I hope you are able to carve out some time for yourself amongst your other responsibilities.
Aussie_85
Active Member
Hey Bilbo,
Man I can really relate to you about having the desire to accomplish something even in the darkest of times. Going a little dark again here but last year my grandmother passed away at the age of 96. I'm not religious, she was - so the service was at a church. The minister said something that really struck a chord with me, "she lived to 96, most of us wont live that long, it's very important that you don't waste your life, it is a gift". How true is that? this tiny spec of time that we have on this planet compared to the grand scheme of things is an amazing thing, to be conscious of it and the universe. I don't care how dark shit gets i really will never be able to kill myself, in a sense I'm to selfish - life has to much to offer.
What I'm going through now is literally nothing compared to when i was mid twenties and alone in my bedroom at my parents place. I was in every meaning of the definition alone. I had acquaintances and "fake friends", I was seeing prostitutes regularly, my family was there physically but had given up on me. I used to lay awake at night sweating profusely thinking things like " I will never, ever get a GF/Wife, have kids, or anything, i will be alone forever, how could anyone possibly love me, I'm broken and can't offer anything to anyone". Porn was there for me, the ultimate escape. I could literally transport myself into another world and be this super best version of myself with all these women, it was really crazy. I'd imagine my own funeral and having like 5 people there, and people being relieved i was gone. Even then i didn't seriously consider suicide, it's just so pointless - maybe it's something in my DNA that just refuses to quit no matter how bad it gets, i dunno. This shit is super depressing for people to read but i apologise for that - I'm trying to say that it really doesn't matter what life throws at me the positives always outweigh the negatives - life is to much of a gift to give up on. What i'm going through now is hard sleep deprivation wise but it aint nothin'.
Bilbs it's great to hear that your actively trying to quieten the over active inner voice, from memory you also meditate so that helps a lot with that to. Thinking about good stuff is never bad though, envisioning your future for example - so my advice would be don't try and shut out the good. And mate 10 months is a huge effort, congrats on that - has it been a full hard mode reboot?
I relate a lot to the "I'm not weird, I just don't have that natural attraction" type of feeling - man women can sense that. If we aren't just relaxed and open in every way, they sense it and their unconscious ancient brains start telling them we aren't fit mates - it also must be hard to see only a small improvement in libido, 10 months is a long time bro. We have read about guys that can take 2+ years though regardless of ED so don't stress over that man. Keep improving in other ways and get on with life and you'll return back to base line functioning - it's science man you will recover. I can't imagine what it's like though because I've only ever gone 94 days, and man that sucked to have literally zero benefit from all those days weeks and nights of suffering...for nothing. Ten Months is a tremendous effort and tells me that your a strong minded individual, so well done.
Do you have a journal man? i cant remember if I've asked before or not. thanks a lot man, your kind words mean a lot.
Seb, hey mate,
Thanks a lot for the support - I really appreciate it. that's what I've found so interesting about the haters Jordan has - none of them actually listen to what he says and just automatically think he's sexist/racist/bigoted. Can I ask what his view is on climate change? I haven't come across that yet - does he think its real or not? I wont comment on that here in case i get a flag for talking' politics lol. It's like any information someone puts out there i guess, you pick it apart and decide what you can get out of it or agree with and forget the rest.
Day 3:
Much the same as yesterday, tired - 3:06 am, waiting for the little monster to scream needing another feed.
Thanks you so much for your interest in my journal guys - makes me feel good about myself.
Aussie.
Man I can really relate to you about having the desire to accomplish something even in the darkest of times. Going a little dark again here but last year my grandmother passed away at the age of 96. I'm not religious, she was - so the service was at a church. The minister said something that really struck a chord with me, "she lived to 96, most of us wont live that long, it's very important that you don't waste your life, it is a gift". How true is that? this tiny spec of time that we have on this planet compared to the grand scheme of things is an amazing thing, to be conscious of it and the universe. I don't care how dark shit gets i really will never be able to kill myself, in a sense I'm to selfish - life has to much to offer.
What I'm going through now is literally nothing compared to when i was mid twenties and alone in my bedroom at my parents place. I was in every meaning of the definition alone. I had acquaintances and "fake friends", I was seeing prostitutes regularly, my family was there physically but had given up on me. I used to lay awake at night sweating profusely thinking things like " I will never, ever get a GF/Wife, have kids, or anything, i will be alone forever, how could anyone possibly love me, I'm broken and can't offer anything to anyone". Porn was there for me, the ultimate escape. I could literally transport myself into another world and be this super best version of myself with all these women, it was really crazy. I'd imagine my own funeral and having like 5 people there, and people being relieved i was gone. Even then i didn't seriously consider suicide, it's just so pointless - maybe it's something in my DNA that just refuses to quit no matter how bad it gets, i dunno. This shit is super depressing for people to read but i apologise for that - I'm trying to say that it really doesn't matter what life throws at me the positives always outweigh the negatives - life is to much of a gift to give up on. What i'm going through now is hard sleep deprivation wise but it aint nothin'.
Bilbs it's great to hear that your actively trying to quieten the over active inner voice, from memory you also meditate so that helps a lot with that to. Thinking about good stuff is never bad though, envisioning your future for example - so my advice would be don't try and shut out the good. And mate 10 months is a huge effort, congrats on that - has it been a full hard mode reboot?
I relate a lot to the "I'm not weird, I just don't have that natural attraction" type of feeling - man women can sense that. If we aren't just relaxed and open in every way, they sense it and their unconscious ancient brains start telling them we aren't fit mates - it also must be hard to see only a small improvement in libido, 10 months is a long time bro. We have read about guys that can take 2+ years though regardless of ED so don't stress over that man. Keep improving in other ways and get on with life and you'll return back to base line functioning - it's science man you will recover. I can't imagine what it's like though because I've only ever gone 94 days, and man that sucked to have literally zero benefit from all those days weeks and nights of suffering...for nothing. Ten Months is a tremendous effort and tells me that your a strong minded individual, so well done.
Do you have a journal man? i cant remember if I've asked before or not. thanks a lot man, your kind words mean a lot.
Seb, hey mate,
Thanks a lot for the support - I really appreciate it. that's what I've found so interesting about the haters Jordan has - none of them actually listen to what he says and just automatically think he's sexist/racist/bigoted. Can I ask what his view is on climate change? I haven't come across that yet - does he think its real or not? I wont comment on that here in case i get a flag for talking' politics lol. It's like any information someone puts out there i guess, you pick it apart and decide what you can get out of it or agree with and forget the rest.
Day 3:
Much the same as yesterday, tired - 3:06 am, waiting for the little monster to scream needing another feed.
Thanks you so much for your interest in my journal guys - makes me feel good about myself.
Aussie.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Hey Aussie,
Yeah, I do have a journal, I just don?t write often in it. I accidentally put it in the PIED/DE section instead of the journals section on the forum, so it?s not where it belongs. Doesn?t really matter, I mainly write about recovery from PIED in it.
Those ten months or rebooting were with no porn and masturbation (no peeking or fantasy either). I also went 6 weeks without orgasms, then 100 days without sex. Apart from that period, I?ve been having sex around 4-5 times a month with my girlfriend, using Viagra every once in a while. Might do another period of no sex this year, I am not sure yet.
You know, reading the stuff you write is not depressing. On the contrary, it makes a guy feel less alone, knowing that other people are struggling with that kinda things too. You also have your own way of talking about life, it?s cool. It seems that for you, life is chaos, but can still be an interesting thing, I like that. So keep writing whatever comes to your mind, man.
Yeah, I do have a journal, I just don?t write often in it. I accidentally put it in the PIED/DE section instead of the journals section on the forum, so it?s not where it belongs. Doesn?t really matter, I mainly write about recovery from PIED in it.
Those ten months or rebooting were with no porn and masturbation (no peeking or fantasy either). I also went 6 weeks without orgasms, then 100 days without sex. Apart from that period, I?ve been having sex around 4-5 times a month with my girlfriend, using Viagra every once in a while. Might do another period of no sex this year, I am not sure yet.
You know, reading the stuff you write is not depressing. On the contrary, it makes a guy feel less alone, knowing that other people are struggling with that kinda things too. You also have your own way of talking about life, it?s cool. It seems that for you, life is chaos, but can still be an interesting thing, I like that. So keep writing whatever comes to your mind, man.
Bilbo is a very articulate writer.
The advantage of coming to Aussie's journal is that reading Aussie and Bilbo is fun. Basically you get a two in one combo. No DP
. I hope that is not a trigger for anybody.
I am back on my feet again and definitely making progress and my erections are much better. However, I am just having sex for the girlfriend and currently using Viagra once a week. However, my libido is most of the time zero. In sex the orgasm is the only thing that I like and most of the other parts of sex seem so boring. I think the highs that porn gave us will never be available to us again and we might have to resign ourselves to it.
Keep going Aussie and keep posting. You too Bilbo.
The advantage of coming to Aussie's journal is that reading Aussie and Bilbo is fun. Basically you get a two in one combo. No DP
. I hope that is not a trigger for anybody.I am back on my feet again and definitely making progress and my erections are much better. However, I am just having sex for the girlfriend and currently using Viagra once a week. However, my libido is most of the time zero. In sex the orgasm is the only thing that I like and most of the other parts of sex seem so boring. I think the highs that porn gave us will never be available to us again and we might have to resign ourselves to it.
Keep going Aussie and keep posting. You too Bilbo.
Aussie_85
Active Member
Hi Bilbo and AK,
That's a shame about your journal, would be interested to read about your life - i find it helps personally to be able to get it out, even if no one reads it - its cathartic.
Sounds good with your recovery, your not looking at porn so you will fully recover man - please make sure you always remember that. Doubt is the devil.
wow bilbo the last time someone said something that made me really go "fuck" was way back around 2013/14 on YBR (that place is a mess now btw) - not sure if you guys remember GameOver? he gained a bit of fame on YBR, great guy as well, hope he's doing ok nowadays. Anyway during one of my regular rants on my old journal he replied and asked:
Hey Man, Can I Ask You - When Was The Last Time You Had Fun?
This was one of those very profound things that just hits the nail on the head and causes a "wow" moment. I didn't know what to say, because...well i couldn't remember the last time i actually genuinely had fun - free, no anxiety - just being present in the moment and having fun. again this was during a dark phase of my life - these days i have fun everyday, my little family and especially my dog gives me heaps of joy, fun...heh he really hit me with that one.
Just like you did bilbo with saying life for me is chaotic - it is, and it has been for as long as i can remember. This is another one of those wow moments that drums reality into my thick head. Who should live like this? constantly going back and forth with stress and addiction and lack of social skills and just issue after issue without ever getting his shit together?
Man this has really made me think now, and i know you meant no harm in the comment or observation - i think i just need to meditate on this for a while because its clear living in chaos is not a good thing.
AK thank you my dude, no DP'ing though i hope...i mean i like you guys and all but... :-* sounds like you going well to bro, lemme check out your journal after i get some sleep - take it easy nation.
Aussie.
That's a shame about your journal, would be interested to read about your life - i find it helps personally to be able to get it out, even if no one reads it - its cathartic.
Sounds good with your recovery, your not looking at porn so you will fully recover man - please make sure you always remember that. Doubt is the devil.
wow bilbo the last time someone said something that made me really go "fuck" was way back around 2013/14 on YBR (that place is a mess now btw) - not sure if you guys remember GameOver? he gained a bit of fame on YBR, great guy as well, hope he's doing ok nowadays. Anyway during one of my regular rants on my old journal he replied and asked:
Hey Man, Can I Ask You - When Was The Last Time You Had Fun?
This was one of those very profound things that just hits the nail on the head and causes a "wow" moment. I didn't know what to say, because...well i couldn't remember the last time i actually genuinely had fun - free, no anxiety - just being present in the moment and having fun. again this was during a dark phase of my life - these days i have fun everyday, my little family and especially my dog gives me heaps of joy, fun...heh he really hit me with that one.
Just like you did bilbo with saying life for me is chaotic - it is, and it has been for as long as i can remember. This is another one of those wow moments that drums reality into my thick head. Who should live like this? constantly going back and forth with stress and addiction and lack of social skills and just issue after issue without ever getting his shit together?
Man this has really made me think now, and i know you meant no harm in the comment or observation - i think i just need to meditate on this for a while because its clear living in chaos is not a good thing.
AK thank you my dude, no DP'ing though i hope...i mean i like you guys and all but... :-* sounds like you going well to bro, lemme check out your journal after i get some sleep - take it easy nation.
Aussie.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Sounds good, guys. Things get interesting here, every now and then... Keep it up, both of you.
Aussie_85
Active Member
Day: 5
I'm struggling,
Think I'm becoming depressed, everything seems pretty horrible at the moment. My girlfriends constantly angry at me, my daughters constantly screaming at me. I've realised another major trigger for me is having no friends. Instead of glossing it over with saying i have a few acquaintances and fake friends, to be honest - I have none. This is mostly my fault though, i made bad decisions friends wise when i was younger - and i don't put effort in to make new friends, at my old job I'd turn down after work drinks and parties constantly - I think I really have an issue with rejection a subconscious belief that "if I let them in they wont really like me, it's a waste of time". I recognise this, which means i can change it - I'm a reasonably likable person but for the last...I'd guess 5 or so years I'm really closed off and uninterested in people, my body language would surely show this and that naturally repels people.
Knowing all of this doesn't make it easier dealing with the reality of feeling alone though, and I'm not even sure if I want friends per-say or if the need to feel cared about...even thought about "how's Aussie going" is what really gets me. My self esteem is non existent, and i want to use porn to escape these feelings - because it works. For however long the session is I'm removed from the reality of being alone.
People disregard me in my life, my partners mother can't stand me - it's one of those gut feeling things. Anyway she was at our place today and bought up how she kicked her son out for 2 weeks to "go and have a holiday at his grandmas house" - when i tried explaining when i was kicked out multiple times as a teenager, with nowhere to go and that it damaged me she just brushed it off and basically made out like i was a sook - no one ever seems to put themselves in others shoes - really imagining what it would be like to be in that situation, as a kid - and feel alone in the world.
My dogs sick, had to take him to the emergency animal hospital this morning after having no sleep for 24 hours - they think it's some kind of stomach or bowel infection and he's on anti biotics, codeine and a pro biotic for his gut. To be honest again (i always am here) he is like my best friend, if I lost him at this point i really don't think I would cope well. I have a love for animals that is stronger than i have for most people, they are innocent and non judgemental. We lost a kitten a few years ago - she was 6 months old, to an unknown illness - $5,000 in vet bills and watching her wither away to nothing for 2 weeks, to then hold this tiny little cat in my arms while she was euthanised...well it traumatized me. If an animal lives a full life it's nowhere near as sad when they die.
That's all for today - sorry if I haven't checked in to your guys' journals I've been so exhausted and busy with my daughter - i just needed to get that out.
Aussie.
I'm struggling,
Think I'm becoming depressed, everything seems pretty horrible at the moment. My girlfriends constantly angry at me, my daughters constantly screaming at me. I've realised another major trigger for me is having no friends. Instead of glossing it over with saying i have a few acquaintances and fake friends, to be honest - I have none. This is mostly my fault though, i made bad decisions friends wise when i was younger - and i don't put effort in to make new friends, at my old job I'd turn down after work drinks and parties constantly - I think I really have an issue with rejection a subconscious belief that "if I let them in they wont really like me, it's a waste of time". I recognise this, which means i can change it - I'm a reasonably likable person but for the last...I'd guess 5 or so years I'm really closed off and uninterested in people, my body language would surely show this and that naturally repels people.
Knowing all of this doesn't make it easier dealing with the reality of feeling alone though, and I'm not even sure if I want friends per-say or if the need to feel cared about...even thought about "how's Aussie going" is what really gets me. My self esteem is non existent, and i want to use porn to escape these feelings - because it works. For however long the session is I'm removed from the reality of being alone.
People disregard me in my life, my partners mother can't stand me - it's one of those gut feeling things. Anyway she was at our place today and bought up how she kicked her son out for 2 weeks to "go and have a holiday at his grandmas house" - when i tried explaining when i was kicked out multiple times as a teenager, with nowhere to go and that it damaged me she just brushed it off and basically made out like i was a sook - no one ever seems to put themselves in others shoes - really imagining what it would be like to be in that situation, as a kid - and feel alone in the world.
My dogs sick, had to take him to the emergency animal hospital this morning after having no sleep for 24 hours - they think it's some kind of stomach or bowel infection and he's on anti biotics, codeine and a pro biotic for his gut. To be honest again (i always am here) he is like my best friend, if I lost him at this point i really don't think I would cope well. I have a love for animals that is stronger than i have for most people, they are innocent and non judgemental. We lost a kitten a few years ago - she was 6 months old, to an unknown illness - $5,000 in vet bills and watching her wither away to nothing for 2 weeks, to then hold this tiny little cat in my arms while she was euthanised...well it traumatized me. If an animal lives a full life it's nowhere near as sad when they die.
That's all for today - sorry if I haven't checked in to your guys' journals I've been so exhausted and busy with my daughter - i just needed to get that out.
Aussie.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Hey man,
Sounds rough, sorry to hear these days are hard for you. But the way you write it, especially the part about friends, it?s clear that you know what behaviors you have to change in the future. Right now with the Covid, it?s probably not a good timing, but when things return to normal, you could just change a thing or two in your ways to behave socially, and it would pay off. I?m not saying you should go have a drink with a colleague you don?t like, you should just be more receptive and open socially. How many times I became closer with someone I didn?t really like at first... Well, probably not that often, but it happened a few times. I also made a really good friend one year ago, so even in our 30?s this can happen. Yeah, being more open, and leaving our comfort zone is the best thing we can do.
Keep it up. I hope you can get some good sleep soon.
Sounds rough, sorry to hear these days are hard for you. But the way you write it, especially the part about friends, it?s clear that you know what behaviors you have to change in the future. Right now with the Covid, it?s probably not a good timing, but when things return to normal, you could just change a thing or two in your ways to behave socially, and it would pay off. I?m not saying you should go have a drink with a colleague you don?t like, you should just be more receptive and open socially. How many times I became closer with someone I didn?t really like at first... Well, probably not that often, but it happened a few times. I also made a really good friend one year ago, so even in our 30?s this can happen. Yeah, being more open, and leaving our comfort zone is the best thing we can do.
Keep it up. I hope you can get some good sleep soon.
Hey, Aussie! I think you and I have this kind of thing in common- as I began running away when I was 13, and was kicked out for good at age 16.
I know this place, and I've felt those feelings, have walked (and walked) in those shoes. Also, I know what it is, too, when others don't quite get it.
With you, man, hope you're feeling better!
Aussie_85
Active Member
I've been using porn pretty much daily, whenever i get a chance to. I'm extremely depressed. The combination of having a baby that never stops screaming, a selfish partner who blames me for everything and a lack of sleep - this is horrible. Porn is the only way i can get at least a bit of an escape. I'm totally demotivated to quit.
It feels like everyone in my life....dislikes me, hate is to strong of a word. I'm just a nuisance, I'm just "Aussie"...no one really gives a shit about me or think s about me. This isn't a pity party or a whinge session, this is my reality and this place is the only place where i can get my feelings out. I'm really starting to wonder what the point is in me sticking around.
My dog had blood tests today, get the results back Wednesday - he's literally my only friend so I'm hoping for good news - as I've said previously i really don't think i'll cope at all mentally if i was to lose him, I'll end up in a psych ward.
My partner is not coping with the lack of sleep, so takes it out on me - she says any and everything to try and hurt me. I'm quite certain her mother and step father hate me, the way they talk and act body language wise around me confirms it - I've done nothing but be respectful and gone out of my way to be nice to them for as long as I've known them - cunts. I guess there's just something about me on a cellular level people just don't like....whether it's my anxiety or low self esteem that people pick up on and are uncomfortable of or that I'm somehow unconsciously offending people...either way i don't care - i just want to be alone.
I don't know what to do.
Aussie.
It feels like everyone in my life....dislikes me, hate is to strong of a word. I'm just a nuisance, I'm just "Aussie"...no one really gives a shit about me or think s about me. This isn't a pity party or a whinge session, this is my reality and this place is the only place where i can get my feelings out. I'm really starting to wonder what the point is in me sticking around.
My dog had blood tests today, get the results back Wednesday - he's literally my only friend so I'm hoping for good news - as I've said previously i really don't think i'll cope at all mentally if i was to lose him, I'll end up in a psych ward.
My partner is not coping with the lack of sleep, so takes it out on me - she says any and everything to try and hurt me. I'm quite certain her mother and step father hate me, the way they talk and act body language wise around me confirms it - I've done nothing but be respectful and gone out of my way to be nice to them for as long as I've known them - cunts. I guess there's just something about me on a cellular level people just don't like....whether it's my anxiety or low self esteem that people pick up on and are uncomfortable of or that I'm somehow unconsciously offending people...either way i don't care - i just want to be alone.
I don't know what to do.
Aussie.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Sorry to hear that, friend.
If at least coming on the forum is somehow helping you in any way, then don?t stop. Remember that you?re not only here for yourself: you?re also helping others. Some of your posts made me realize things about myself and the way I live, and that made me try to improve a few things. You probably helped other guys too, after all we?re not just talking about porn here, especially in your journal.
The only thing I can think of is this: usually when we feel like shit and trapped in a meaningless existence, we think there?s no hope, that everything will always go wrong, those kind of things. Of course, it?s not true. Even if you don?t see it right now, there?s hope for you, and there are probably many things about you and your life that are really nice and meaningful. I?m not asking you to find these things, I?m just telling you that they are there, even if you can?t se then right now. Depression and feelings or hopelessness don?t last forever.
Rooting for you, man. Keep it up.
If at least coming on the forum is somehow helping you in any way, then don?t stop. Remember that you?re not only here for yourself: you?re also helping others. Some of your posts made me realize things about myself and the way I live, and that made me try to improve a few things. You probably helped other guys too, after all we?re not just talking about porn here, especially in your journal.
The only thing I can think of is this: usually when we feel like shit and trapped in a meaningless existence, we think there?s no hope, that everything will always go wrong, those kind of things. Of course, it?s not true. Even if you don?t see it right now, there?s hope for you, and there are probably many things about you and your life that are really nice and meaningful. I?m not asking you to find these things, I?m just telling you that they are there, even if you can?t se then right now. Depression and feelings or hopelessness don?t last forever.
Rooting for you, man. Keep it up.
A beginner
New Member
Thinking of you my fellow Aussie.
Fatherhood, night shift, your dog is sick, that would stress us all out. I reckon like me you can be very harsh on yourself.
Fatherhood, night shift, your dog is sick, that would stress us all out. I reckon like me you can be very harsh on yourself.
D
Deleted member 17609
Guest
Hey Aussie, how?s it going? You were in a bad spot last time you wrote in your journal, I hope you?re better. In all cases, keep us posted.
gotta_change
Member
I just read your first post and I totally support you. I can understand you story and how sometimes porn addiction is indifferent to life circumstances. I think it grews out of pain in our life's, but then it takes over.
I get addicted to porn before having real sex with a girl. After that I've met different women, have sexual relations, my life is pretty satisfactory (although I have no partner). But still, I'm addicted. Addiction only disappears if you tackle it.
Best man!!
I get addicted to porn before having real sex with a girl. After that I've met different women, have sexual relations, my life is pretty satisfactory (although I have no partner). But still, I'm addicted. Addiction only disappears if you tackle it.
Best man!!