What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Hi!

I'm two weeks into my new journey. No M and no P. I have begun to have urges to M. M:ing has for me always led me to PMO. I will resist the urge. My place is getting messy with stuff and old plates and clothes culminating all over the place. I have a hard time sleeping and eating at the right hours. It might be a recipe for disaster if I don't clean up.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 20.

I just returned home after a weekend away. It was a great weekend but I have been feeling kind of bad since I got home. I talked on the phone with my sort of girlfriend, who for now is in another country and wont return until august (sigh). I told her about my 20 days and that I was trying to save myself for when she comes back. She told me that she doesn't mind if I am physical with someone else right now as long as it is not romantic. I knew she felt that way and I feel that way too about her but I think it made me nervous about the validity of our relationship and I almost immediately went to a sex-chat site (just text) to escape that feeling. But after a while I thought about it and realised how unsafe those sites are, especially if you use your phone (I think that's the case). I felt so stupid. I also realised that I have been watching some P before on my phone and that it wasn't safe. I still had cravings after I shut it down and I started looking at very soft P on Youtube but then I suddenly could hear myself say "NO!" loud and clear and I closed the tab. I felt almost a bit afraid afterwards. Who was it inside me who said that? It felt like a part of my subconscious was angrily trying to save me. I haven't eaten anything in 8 hours and I feel bad about what I have done. I should look at the positive side of things: I didn't O and I didn't go to a P-site. It has been 20 days which is something to celebrate and something inside my being really wanted to help me to stop this behaviour.
 
Androg

Androg

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Admin
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Emptyroom said:
Day 20.

I just returned home after a weekend away. It was a great weekend but I have been feeling kind of bad since I got home. I talked on the phone with my sort of girlfriend, who for now is in another country and wont return until august (sigh). I told her about my 20 days and that I was trying to save myself for when she comes back. She told me that she doesn't mind if I am physical with someone else right now as long as it is not romantic. I knew she felt that way and I feel that way too about her but I think it made me nervous about the validity of our relationship and I almost immediately went to a sex-chat site (just text) to escape that feeling. But after a while I thought about it and realised how unsafe those sites are, especially if you use your phone (I think that's the case). I felt so stupid. I also realised that I have been watching some P before on my phone and that it wasn't safe. I still had cravings after I shut it down and I started looking at very soft P on Youtube but then I suddenly could hear myself say "NO!" loud and clear and I closed the tab. I felt almost a bit afraid afterwards. Who was it inside me who said that? It felt like a part of my subconscious was angrily trying to save me. I haven't eaten anything in 8 hours and I feel bad about what I have done. I should look at the positive side of things: I didn't O and I didn't go to a P-site. It has been 20 days which is something to celebrate and something inside my being really wanted to help me to stop this behaviour.
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Be glad you have some assistance, wherever it is coming from. Go get something healthy to eat.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
I relapsed yesterday and again today. Sigh. I think it was the combination of not having been able to handle being worried about different things and summer stagnation. My appetite has lessened and I forget to eat. It could be a sign of depression. I have to create new ways of handling these things. I will start meditating again. Maybe that can make a difference. I feel tired now. I hope that I can get that real motivation back.
 
Androg

Androg

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Admin
Moderator
Emptyroom said:
I relapsed yesterday and again today. Sigh. I think it was the combination of not having been able to handle being worried about different things and summer stagnation. My appetite has lessened and I forget to eat. It could be a sign of depression. I have to create new ways of handling these things. I will start meditating again. Maybe that can make a difference. I feel tired now. I hope that I can get that real motivation back.
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It will get easier as you get your brain back in balance. But you have to be consistent for a while before you see those benefits. Start out by exercising daily and meditating daily. And be sure to socialize.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
I haven't been here in a long time. Shame and guilt. It is shame and guilt that always brings me back.
I wish I was taken here by a will to change for the better. A will to move in a more positive direction. It feels like I come here only to try to make up for binges. Like a bandage on a self-inflicted wound. It is so pathetic that I can't even get sympathy from myself. I hate this. I have been stuck in this position for many years. Back and forth back and forth all the time. Once I came very far on this journey. I felt so good then. Every day was like a gift. Every day is still a gift but I'm not capable of being a reciever. I spit on my gift and trow the day in the garbage. It is such a shame.

Is this why I came here? To mope and feel sorry for myself? One of the reasons I came here today is to tell myself that I do not in any way accept binge-behaviour when it comes to P. If you don't have controll over your vehicle, Im going to take the keys away. But does punishment work? Loathing? Maybe not. I know what I need: Direction, focus and intention. This happens all the time though. A particulary bad binge sends me back here and I make promises that I can't keep.
But I'm not the old me. I am the new me. I'm not going to continue on the bad path. I am soon 30 years old. Is this my life? I have been waiting long enough. The time has come to leave my youth behind and be an adult that can take care of himself. I hope that I can hear myself. Where ever I am.
 
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jberg

jberg

Active Member
Emptyroom said:
But I'm not the old me. I am the new me. I'm not going to continue on the bad path. I am soon 30 years old. Is this my life? I have been wainting long enough. The time has come to leave my youth behind and be an adult that can take care of himself. I hope that I can hear myself. Where ever I am.
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Emptyroom, Great to have you back! You contribute a lot to this space whenever you are here. The fact that you say, "I'm not the old me" means that you have progressed, and that the work you have done while you are here is not negated by a binge. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress. I look forward to hearing more from you soon. Welcome home, my brother!
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
It has been 11 days since I last wrote. I'm still on track, although I MO:d to an erotic short story. Strangely I haven't thought about this journey during the past days. I have been thinking about other health-journeys: My journey towards a healthier body, and my journey towards improving my economic thinking and lifestyle. Everything is connected. Order creates order. Chaos creates chaos. I read yesterday that you have to create a balance in your life between accepting and improving your life. I strongly believe in this now. This I think is the basis of happiness. Create that balance between accepting and improving things and do the latter by splitting big goals into smaller ones. I think that it is important to also carry with you the spirit of forgivness and to see people trough that spirit.
 
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Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
I just had a moment where I almost watched P. I saw some images but then I clicked it away. Damn. I feel myself slipping. I wonder what the best thing to do is. I should know the answer. It is hidden somewhere in my mind. I hope I can make it trough this.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
26 days today. I made it trough yesterday. Thank you Blondie for your help. I really like your "tagline": Do we truly want to quit, or are we only pretending to?
I am safe for now but I really must be vigilant and ponder those words.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 37. Today I have been feeling some positive changes that I feel are connected to quitting P. I saw a film and could feel myself connecting to it on a deeper emotional level than I could before. I can't remember the last time that happened. I haven't had any urges since day 26 I think. I must be vigilant now that I have written here. I know that it can make me consider slipping when I write here about success.
I feel that the more distance I put between myself and P the more I open up a painting-box in my mind that make everything wonderful. I don't want to lose the feeling that life is a wonderful gift. I know that this is just the beginning of that amazing journey. I know about the coming benefits because I have experienced them before. They will come again. It is just a matter of sticking with it.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 38. I have realized that I have been thinking more sexual thoughts about people I see on the street lately. I need to be vigilant. Although I think this is a good sign that I'm improving in some way, I have to be careful with what I'm thinking about. Thoughts will come but the important thing is not to dwell on these thoughts.
I have discovered one of the best distractions from urges that I ever have found in all my years doing this: Chili peppers. Jalapeños and habaneros. I have been eating small slices and not whole peppers.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member

Day 39​

It is going to be hard for a couple of days now. I have no work or anything for a week and my girlfriend and I are having a break from each other. I'm also sick so I'm just sitting at home because I don't have the energy right now to do something. I am bored and a bit sad. I can feel myself tredding dangerous waters here. I haven't had any real urges yet but I found myself spontaniously watching true crime stuff which is a bad sign that my body craves dopamine. I feel that the important thing now is to not give in to any urge to M or watch anything that can trigger me. I have to make sure to stay busy and alert. I should really get away from my computer but It would be hard to pass the time without Youtube now. On the other hand YT-binges have made me feel groggy today so maybe it would be a good idea to put it away. I also don't want to push myself in the other direction and be very productive and healthy because I am afraid that it could create the opposite effect and drive me towards PMO. I am sick and have to give myself a break.

I really have to be alert now and stop any behaviour that could lead me to lose my streak.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member

Day 41​

This is a day of trial. It is almost three in the afternoon and I have barely left my bed. I looked at some risky stuff on Youtube. I managed to quit while I could but I am afraid that I could go down the wrong path today. I feel that I am not far away from a relapse.
I feel that the source of this is that I am worried about my summer job that starts next week. I feel unprepared, but I am also sick and don't have the energy to prepare. I feel alone. I must get out of my apartment. Maybe I can survive this.
 
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