Day 20.
I just returned home after a weekend away. It was a great weekend but I have been feeling kind of bad since I got home. I talked on the phone with my sort of girlfriend, who for now is in another country and wont return until august (sigh). I told her about my 20 days and that I was trying to save myself for when she comes back. She told me that she doesn't mind if I am physical with someone else right now as long as it is not romantic. I knew she felt that way and I feel that way too about her but I think it made me nervous about the validity of our relationship and I almost immediately went to a sex-chat site (just text) to escape that feeling. But after a while I thought about it and realised how unsafe those sites are, especially if you use your phone (I think that's the case). I felt so stupid. I also realised that I have been watching some P before on my phone and that it wasn't safe. I still had cravings after I shut it down and I started looking at very soft P on Youtube but then I suddenly could hear myself say "NO!" loud and clear and I closed the tab. I felt almost a bit afraid afterwards. Who was it inside me who said that? It felt like a part of my subconscious was angrily trying to save me. I haven't eaten anything in 8 hours and I feel bad about what I have done. I should look at the positive side of things: I didn't O and I didn't go to a P-site. It has been 20 days which is something to celebrate and something inside my being really wanted to help me to stop this behaviour.
