What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
GoalsMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFriday
Meditate twice CompletedCompletedCompleted--
Learn Arabic for 30 minCompletedCompletedCompleted--
Do yoga-exercises CompletedCompletedCompleted--

Hi! Things have been mostly very good this week.
I am annoyed because I wrote here during the week about every day but it disappeared before I could post it. I will try to remember what happened during the week.
Monday: was a good day.
Tuesday was an even better day: I had a nice walk in nice weather, I felt good about my idea for my thesis but I had a quick relapse during the night. I PMO:d to one video on a site that I hadn't blocked. Afterwards, I blocked the site. I wrote a motivational speech about taking my journey more seriously and remembering the pain P has caused me in the past.
Wednesday was a good day.
Thursday: I had a meeting about my thesis and I basically had to redo what I had done until that point. Then I had to read A LOT. I didn't give myself the time for anything else so I didn't make any goals.
Friday: I have been studying the whole day today. I have been feeling overwhelmed by studying and all the choices that is involved in the work. I guess that I am stressed but I don't really recognise the feeling as stress. Its more like the feeling of being lost. Of not knowing what to do but having to do it in a short amount of time. Still the day had some good moments.

It has felt very good to get back to making my goals every day. I hope that the intensity of my studies lessens next week so I can get back to it.

Take care!
/Emptyroom.
 
jberg

jberg

Active Member
Emptyroom,
I loved the chart with the 3 goals. I need something like that. Regarding the pain I feel after PMO (emptiness, shame, remorse), I was told (and used to think) it was my best friend that could help me avoid PMO in the future. But I have come to believe it is a false friend, because when I find myself in the heat of the moment, memory of that pain is nowhere to be found. It may be that if I remind myself of that pain every day, it may help me to avoid PMO, but that is something I have never sustained for very long. I have come to believe that my truest friends are the true connections that I make daily (with my family, friends, this group, and my Higher Power.)
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
This is Emptyroom.
I have not been here since February. This is because I had a proper relapse and just decided not to go to this site.
I PMO:d this morning so I can't present you with a clean streak as a token of my newfound will to stay sober. I am currently floating and going where the waves take me. A part of me care, a part of me doesn't.
I have been thinking lately about my life and the choices that I have made. I thought today about the story of the three little pigs. I know that story by heart as most people do. I know that it has an important message but it seems that I cannot learn to build a brickhouse before I first build a house of straw and see it collapse before me. But when I sit in an empty apartment, alone at age 60 with a big gut and feeling that I haven't achieved anything, Then there is no time to build that house of bricks. I feel that the growing and changing mind of the young person in me is slowly solidifying itself and becoming a stable unmovable structure. Behind me is a road full of missed opportunities. I was young. I am still young. I could do anything I want to do. But I'm just a selfish pretentious and dumb person. I still love myself though, like someone who loves an abusive partner. This is about more than P-addiction. P-use is a symptom. Just like eating to much and going to bed in the middle of the night and not working out and not taking responsibility to make life enjoyable. I feel stuck. I am writing here now though, but I'm having a hard time seeing the value of that because I wrote here a lot before and I still went back to a life of meh. I can't trust my own writings.
I'm just trying to be some sort of cool writer right now. To show myself that I am a creative guy, that I am important. Crying crocodile tears and lying to myself. It is always about pleasure. Even the sadness. It is just a big show for myself and while I am watching the show about myself I am missing the life ingredients that I actually want. I don't want to be a guy that asks for a mirror when I'm lying on my deathbed. I don't really know what I want but If I want to have it before it is to late I'll have to start getting material for my house of bricks. Maybe I have to spend more time thinking about wolfs.
Take care.
Emptyroom
 
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Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Blondie said:
How you doing Emptyroom?
Click to expand...
Hi Blondie. Thank you for asking. I guess I'm doing good because I'm at this site again. Haven't been here in a long time now. Also, I am taking steps now to get my life together again. I will start with daily schedules next week. I am going to start having daily goals again, but I'm not going to write them here every week. I have a whiteboard now where I will write them. I am going to eat more healthy (not just the type of food but also when I eat and how many times a day) and I'm going to start exercising regularly.

Since the last time I wrote, I have been making P a daily routine basically, I haven't even been thinking about the negative impact. . PMO haven't felt very exciting though. I guess a good thing about this time is that it has been """vanilla P""" mostly. I have felt like I don't really care about anything. I have been feeling my lack of excitement for living, a bluntness to everything that I experience, but I haven't been bothered to fix it.

Today coming home after a few days with friends and without a computer, I PMO:d three times instead of taking a jog like I had told my friends and myself I was gonna do earlier. The third time I PMO:d today, I was frustrated with not feeling anything on my regular P-site so I went to a new one and some of the videos I watched there involved some really perverted stuff. I didn't feel disgusted, It didn't really affect me at all. I didn't feel any shame. It felt like putting my hand in a fire, seeing it turn to coal and not feel anything. That was distressing. I am so desensitised, I can't even tell what I am feeling about it all now. Still, It felt like it was a step in the wrong direction for me but that has now made me take a step in the right direction: Away from P.

I have a bit of a sadness in me that affects my P-use as well, I got rejected by a girl that I know last week and that has made me try to use P to seek comfort more than what would be the normal case for me. At least I am aware of it.

My plan with the rest of the summer is to work at becoming the best person I can be for a future partner. To be the best man that I can be for that person. For some reason leaving P again as a part of that has not crossed my mind until now. It is necessary though for making my life good again. The most important thing for me right now is to be on the right path and I am happy to once again walk on the road towards positive change.

I hope things are going well for you Blondie!

Best wishes,

/Emptyroom

​

 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Hi. This is Emptyroom.
I know why I'm doing here right now. I feel far away from quitting but I just Pmo:d which I guess gives me a few moments of clarity. Where I can feel bad about being up at three in the mourning watching P when I'm going up early tomorrow. I feel remorse and I'm trying sooth myself by writing here. Writing here now is similar to PMO in that It is an escape. It is not about me wanting to become a better person but all about soothing myself. It is also about feeling something. Anything at all.
My room is really filthy but I can't feel disgust. I know that I can feel something once I quit again, I know I feel better once I clean my room so why do I continue this way? Do I want to see my own destruction? Maybe I'm just an a-hole.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
You're not an a-hole, but you are a bit stuck. Have you looked online for a regular meeting for porn recovery? You'd probably benefit from in-person support. All the best. You can do it!
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Hi.
Feeling depressed. Worrying about the future I guess. I don't even want to go bowling with my friends today. I haven't left my bed and its mid-day.

I started a new P-free life a week ago I have not PMO:d for 7 days. This is because I have meet a potential partner and I would like it to work out. I should be excited about this and happy. We slept with each other for the first time last Saturday. I couldn't O but it somewhat worked out. She was satisfied and for me that felt like enough. I didn't feel much though but that is to be expected.
I shaved of my beard to feel different. It worked somewhat, but I can't recognise myself in the mirror at this time. It makes me a bit uncomfortable.

What I'm trying to do is think of these dark clouds as slowly moving away from me.

Have a nice day!
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Recovery isn't linear. It has ups and downs, and it's challenging when your brain tries to tell you that the downs mean you haven't made any progress. Stay strong. And congrats on the new relationship and the new you.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Androg said:
Recovery isn't linear. It has ups and downs, and it's challenging when your brain tries to tell you that the downs mean you haven't made any progress. Stay strong. And congrats on the new relationship and the new you.
Click to expand...
Definitely.

The downs can make you feel like "Why am I even doing this anyway? There is no progress" and the ups can make you feel like "One time can't harm be, I can handle it." Both need to be thrown out the window quick.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Hi. Things are not going well at the moment. Just watched some shameful stuff. Been PMO:ing every day since I wrote last time a week ago. I feel kind of bad but also quite numb. I think I am depressed. I have slept for way too long this week (not going up until about two PM) I don't have an appetite (I have barely eaten today). I feel like it doesn't matter what I do or how many people I spend time with or what I learn or spend my time doing. Deep down, I don't really enjoy it. My life feels like a construction I have built to show myself who I am. I don't live anymore. I know that leaving P is a part of building that good life that I want deep down. But it is very hard for me to get going again. The person I'm dating is far away for the moment. I feel especially bad that I haven't tried harder to quit when that relationship is on the line. In two years I will be 30 years old. I really have to make sure I am in a better place in my life when I am 40 years old. I have to make it a main priority to set goals that will make that possible.
 
cookiemonster

cookiemonster

Active Member
If you just do a tiny thing to feel better each day, have a shower, clean your room, make your bed, make a salad, go for a 10 minute walk, these positive things will compound.

Do you know that "if you get one percent better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you’re done."

37 TIMES! Imagine where you'd be! You'd be conquering the world!!!

All the best, you can do it.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Hi my brothers.
I have begun turning my life around again. This day has been wonderful.
I PMO:d yesterday but that is beside the point I want to make here. I think that when you give your life order and develop discipline in all aspects of your life, the P-free life will become more easily attainable (if you chose it at that time). I believe the need to comfort oneself with unhealthy sexual habits diminishes when you make yourself happy by eating healthy, living in a clean space, working out, having fun with people and other things a human needs for the body and mind to feel comfortable.

What is it that has changed things for me? This is it: I have been reading about a Jungian concept/principle called enantiodromia and it has changed the way I think about my journey. You can read about it here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enantiodromia

Carl Jung basically says that opposites arises from its opposite and I think it boils down to this: If you are being too hardass about developing good habits all the time, you will turn it into its opposite, you will break mentally and go back to having bad habits. The opposite is also true: If you hit rock bottom you will suddenly get the energy to get better again. It is a way for the brain to gain balance in life. It sort of explains why people like me get stuck being like pendulums between heaven and hell on our journeys.

The thing I now think is the right thing to do is this: Instead of being totally invested and go all in to become the best you you can possibly become and work out everyday and sort of whip yourself do all the right choices all the time. You should balance this by occasionally being unhealthy. I don't mean PMO but small things like guilty pleasures or binge-watching some show and heating candy. I think it's more an attitude than something you actually do. It is hard to explain. I think it's more about being relaxed about life and not spend to much energy thinking about getting healthy than anything else. Releasing built up mental pressure from time to time. I have begun thinking in terms of balance.

I started thinking this way yesterday so this isn't a sure thing but a lot of good things seemed to just happen by themselves today:

Since last time I wrote, I gave myself some rules to follow:
  • No internet after 10 PM
  • Clean everyday and after every mess you make
  • Be in bed by 11 PM.
I actually managed to go to bed in time last night and I woke up with energy at 6.30 AM (I can't remember that ever happening to me since my childhood).
Then, without any effort at all, I just found myself at the gym. I just thought "I could go to the gym" (I haven't been to the gym in a long time). and then I sort of woke up at the gym. I had walked there almost automatically and I didn't have to force myself there or anything and it was fun! I bought a gym-card that lasts for three months.

I did a lot of stuff today: Took a walk, watched a documentary, read on Wikipedia, studied. I hope this new strategy of mine works in the long run!
 
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E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Emptyroom said:
Hi my brothers.
I have begun turning my life around again. This day has been wonderful.
I PMO:d yesterday but that is beside the point I want to make here. I think that when you give your life order and develop discipline in all aspects of your life, the P-free will become more easily attainable (if you chose it at that time). I believe the need to comfort oneself with unhealthy sexual habits diminishes when you make yourself happy by eating healthy, living in a clean space, working out, having fun with people and other things a human needs for the body and mind to feel comfortable.

What is it that has changed things for me? This is it: I have been reading about a Jungian concept/principle called enantiodromia and it has changed the way I think about my journey. You can read about it here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enantiodromia

Carl Jung basically says that opposites arises from its opposite and I take it to boil down to this: If you are being too hardass about developing good habits all the time, you will turn it into its opposite, you will break mentally and go back to having bad habits. The opposite is also true: If you hit rock bottom you will suddenly get the energy to get better again. It is a way for the brain to gain balance in life. It sort of explains why people like me get stuck being like pendulums between heaven and hell on our journeys.

The thing I now think is the right thing to do is this: Instead of being totally invested and go all in to become the best you you can possibly become and work out everyday and sort of whip yourself do all the right choices all the time. You should balance this by occasionally being unhealthy. I don't mean PMO but small things like guilty pleasures or binge-watching some show and heating candy. I think it's more an attitude than something you actually do. It is hard to explain. I think it's more about being relaxed about life and not spend to much energy thinking about getting healthy than anything else. Releasing built up mental pressure from time to time. I have begun thinking in terms of balance.

I started thinking this way yesterday so this isn't a sure thing but a lot of good things seemed to just happen by themselves today:

Since last time I wrote, I gave myself some rules to follow:
  • No internet after 10 PM
  • Clean everyday and after every mess you make
  • Be in bed by 11 PM.
I actually managed to go to bed in time last night and I woke up with energy at 6.30 AM (I can't remember that ever happening to me since my childhood).
Then, without any effort at all, I just found myself at the gym. I just thought "I could go to the gym" (I haven't been to the gym in a long time). and then I sort of woke up at the gym. I had walked there almost automatically and I didn't have to force myself there or anything and it was fun! I bought a gym-card that lasts for three months.

I did a lot of stuff today: Took a walk, watched a documentary, read on Wikipedia, studied. I hope this new strategy of mine works in the long run!
Click to expand...
Hey, man, good shit, man. It's true, the first step, in my opinion, is taking care of physical health. Even if your mental health is still shit, everybody can pay more attention to how they eat, exercise etc. It's something more clear. If you tell someone, hey man you know you can watch what you eat, you can do sport etc. It sounds more clear than take care of your mental health, man, because mental health is a more abstract concept.

Anyway, it sounds good man that you are on a good path. Don't stop.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
By the way, for some reason, that thing with "If you hit rock bottom, you can get the energy to try to change that", paraphrasing of course, has never really worked for me. I never really had the motivation to save myself. I don't know why.
 
Emptyroom

Emptyroom

Active Member
Hi all you people doing the right thing. I'm back. It is my turn to take a turn in the right direction.
Since I wrote last time, I returned to PMO and used daily for a long time. I have a partner now, sort of. We will not officially be a couple until the end of summer. I have told her about my struggle with P. She is very understanding. We have been intimate but I haven't been able to O. I have had erections though. I think that this ability shows that my previous attempts to rewire still have a positive effect on me. That you never really go back to zero.

She will work in another country over the summer and I won't see her in person until august. It is a perfect time for me to heal. I have started counting days again. I feel that it is the real deal this time.

I have had some old P-magazines in my closet for a while and two DVDs (I don't know why I bought them but I did. I'm old fashioned I guess) I was cleaning the closet and I found them. It wasn't a comfortable thing to do but I chose to destroy them. I tore them to shreds. Without looking of course. I threw the shredding and the DVDs in the trash/recycling bin. I had a strange feeling doing it. It felt good but it was also a sad moment. It felt like a symbolic ceremony that has had an impact on me. I'm only at day four as of now but I have high hopes about this one.

Best wishes,

Empty Room
 
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Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Good call choosing the right path. A relationship in the offing should help keep you motivated. Are you giving up M too for a while, or just P?
 
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