What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Emptyroom

Active Member
GoalsMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFriday
Meditate twice CompletedCompletedCompleted--
Learn Arabic for 30 minCompletedCompletedCompleted--
Do yoga-exercises CompletedCompletedCompleted--

Hi! Things have been mostly very good this week.
I am annoyed because I wrote here during the week about every day but it disappeared before I could post it. I will try to remember what happened during the week.
Monday: was a good day.
Tuesday was an even better day: I had a nice walk in nice weather, I felt good about my idea for my thesis but I had a quick relapse during the night. I PMO:d to one video on a site that I hadn't blocked. Afterwards, I blocked the site. I wrote a motivational speech about taking my journey more seriously and remembering the pain P has caused me in the past.
Wednesday was a good day.
Thursday: I had a meeting about my thesis and I basically had to redo what I had done until that point. Then I had to read A LOT. I didn't give myself the time for anything else so I didn't make any goals.
Friday: I have been studying the whole day today. I have been feeling overwhelmed by studying and all the choices that is involved in the work. I guess that I am stressed but I don't really recognise the feeling as stress. Its more like the feeling of being lost. Of not knowing what to do but having to do it in a short amount of time. Still the day had some good moments.

It has felt very good to get back to making my goals every day. I hope that the intensity of my studies lessens next week so I can get back to it.

Take care!
/Emptyroom.
 

jberg

Member
Emptyroom,
I loved the chart with the 3 goals. I need something like that. Regarding the pain I feel after PMO (emptiness, shame, remorse), I was told (and used to think) it was my best friend that could help me avoid PMO in the future. But I have come to believe it is a false friend, because when I find myself in the heat of the moment, memory of that pain is nowhere to be found. It may be that if I remind myself of that pain every day, it may help me to avoid PMO, but that is something I have never sustained for very long. I have come to believe that my truest friends are the true connections that I make daily (with my family, friends, this group, and my Higher Power.)
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
This is Emptyroom.
I have not been here since February. This is because I had a proper relapse and just decided not to go to this site.
I PMO:d this morning so I can't present you with a clean streak as a token of my newfound will to stay sober. I am currently floating and going where the waves take me. A part of me care, a part of me doesn't.
I have been thinking lately about my life and the choices that I have made. I thought today about the story of the three little pigs. I know that story by heart as most people do. I know that it has an important message but it seems that I cannot learn to build a brickhouse before I first build a house of straw and see it collapse before me. But when I sit in an empty apartment, alone at age 60 with a big gut and feeling that I haven't achieved anything, Then there is no time to build that house of bricks. I feel that the growing and changing mind of the young person in me is slowly solidifying itself and becoming a stable unmovable structure. Behind me is a road full of missed opportunities. I was young. I am still young. I could do anything I want to do. But I'm just a selfish pretentious and dumb person. I still love myself though, like someone who loves an abusive partner. This is about more than P-addiction. P-use is a symptom. Just like eating to much and going to bed in the middle of the night and not working out and not taking responsibility to make life enjoyable. I feel stuck. I am writing here now though, but I'm having a hard time seeing the value of that because I wrote here a lot before and I still went back to a life of meh. I can't trust my own writings.
I'm just trying to be some sort of cool writer right now. To show myself that I am a creative guy, that I am important. Crying crocodile tears and lying to myself. It is always about pleasure. Even the sadness. It is just a big show for myself and while I am watching the show about myself I am missing the life ingredients that I actually want. I don't want to be a guy that asks for a mirror when I'm lying on my deathbed. I don't really know what I want but If I want to have it before it is to late I'll have to start getting material for my house of bricks. Maybe I have to spend more time thinking about wolfs.
Take care.
Emptyroom
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
Hi, Emptyroom.

The good news is that you're not yet 60 years old, and that you still have time to turn this around! And you don't know how life will look at that time.

You say you're being a writer above, well, you get to write your own life right now. You're the author, and you get to write this thing any way you want to. Why not 'flip the script', and go the other way...

It wasn't too long ago that you were doing what was necessary to get back on track. Start a new chapter, and come at it again.
 
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