What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Thank you Phineas! I value your inputs on my posts! I hope things are going well for you!

You're welcome, Josef! I'm happy to be of any help I can...

I'm doing better, I scuffed up my knees- so to speak- at the end of the year, but I'm in a better place right now mentally. I'm also getting over a severe cold (not the global one).

Be well...
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 130.
This day was weird. I went out of bed around 2 PM. I was lazy and only ate 3 avocados for lunch. I spent the entire day cleaning my living space. I did a good job with that I feel. I was done about 6 PM then I spent an hour on YT. Then I noticed that my energy was extremely low. I started to get a headache and I felt nauseous. With very little energy I made a quick dinner but for some reason I couldn't continue eating or drinking after a while. I had to lie down in my bed where I slept for an hour and then the headache had started to disappear. Then I finished my dinner. Not eating lunch has never affected me this much in my life.

I'm wondering if my flow with goals is coming to an end for now. I wonder if I can get up at 7 am tomorrow and be productive. I wonder if I should follow what my body tells me to and take a break from having goals every day or If I should work through that feeling and continue working with daily goals. Maybe I should have smaller or less goals this week.
I will set some goals and decide later what to do.

Goal 1. Work on my assignment for at least 1 hour.
Goal 2. Spend 1 hour reading.
Goal 3. Meditate twice for at least 5 minutes.

I really hope that I feel better tomorrow and that I'm not sick or that I have some condition. I hope it was like this today because I didn't have breakfast or lunch.

Take care!
Emptyroom
 
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Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 135.

Daily goalsMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFriday
Work on assignment for 1 hour 100% completedCompletedCompletedCompleted100% completed!-
Meditate twice for at least 5 minutes each time. 100% completedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompleted
Spend 1 hour reading fiction. 60% completedNot completednot completedCompletedCompletedCompleted

Monday:
It was hard to get out of bed. I managed to complete two goals and then I spend the evening playing music in a pub with some nice people. I got home late. It felt very slow compared to last week.

Tuesday:
I had what I could call a relapse. I read an erotic novel and MO:d to that. Then I felt bad about it and that lead me to MO again, this time to women on YT. It was very close to P. I said before that I would consider this a relapse, but I have changed my mind about it. I will call it a momentary slip. I think resetting my daily counter would be counterproductive. It wasn't really P. If this happens again (it probably will at some point but hopefully I can resist it) I really have to take the opportunity to accept and sit with the bad feelings afterwards. I watched a good YT-video about relapses and how to put them in perspective .Youtube . com /watch?v=U8LXidyzkYc

Wednesday:
This day I cooked so I had food for the entire week! It felt like an relief that I didn't have to cook more during the week. I just did it spontaneously. I would never have done that if It hadn't been a goal to cook a few weeks ago. Because I made myself do it before It felt easier to do now. This shows me that I have improved in that part of my life. That I have increased my skill-level when it comes to cooking. It shows that It payed of for me to have weekly goals. I hanged out and ate with some friends during the evening.

Thursday:
I have completed my assignment! I think! I might have to do something more but I think it's finished! Everyone else in my class are starting like now and are stressed about it but I am finished. It makes me feel warm inside. Not because my fellow students are suffering but because I can relax about it. As on the other days this week I have been going up very late. I got up at 11 AM today. It felt good to read today. One of my meditations lasted for 30 minutes.

Friday:
Today I stayed in bed until 12 AM. I managed to do my goals and then I hung out with some friends. One of my sessions of meditation lasted for 30 minutes. I have been feeling a need to listen to music today and yesterday. I think it has something to do with me having listening to music as a goal last week. It feels good that my goals have been paying off already. I have also felt that the meditation has had an effect on my state of mind.

I have felt this week that 3 goals have been enough for me. I have felt less resistens as the week has been passing. I might add another goal next week.
It feels good that I have scaled down my goals a bit this week. I have allowed myself not to be on top of my game. That feels mature in a way.

Day 135, nice job! If you've done it this long, you can do it forever. One day at a time.

Thank you Blondie! Yes, I have come to a point where I can continue to abstain with minimal or no effort. Still, I have had some less serious setbacks. This Tuesday for example. I am also weary because I went for over five hundred days before and still I managed to have a serious relapse. I think you have to combine the "one day at a time"-strategy and a more long term plan for sobriety but I know what you mean. Thanks for the encouragement!

Take care!
/Empty
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I too have made it once past the 500 day mark, but yet, here I am. It's journey with many lessons learned along the way! Take care and let us never be complaisant!
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I said before that I would consider this a relapse, but I have changed my mind about it. I will call it a momentary slip. I think resetting my daily counter would be counterproductive. It wasn't really P. If this happens again (it probably will at some point but hopefully I can resist it) I really have to take the opportunity to accept and sit with the bad feelings afterwards. I watched a good YT-video about relapses and how to put them in perspective...

I agree with your approach here, Josef. I treat these kind of things as a bufferzone of sorts. They should lead us to be very wary as to the imminence of a lapse, but they also create a bufferzone that gives us an opportunity to make a course correction, and get back under control.

There's a strategy in not calling it a full blown lapse, but rather a slip. We have to win the battle first in our minds, and so we get to set the rules for what best serves our recovery efforts.

Good job in regaining control. You got this, brother!
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 137.
Next week, I will try to have more daily goals than I had last week.

Goal 1. Get up at 8 AM
Goal 2. Meditate two times at least 5 minutes
Goal 3. Spend at least 15 minutes on a yoga matt.
Goal 4. Spend 30 minutes every day learning Arabic.
Goal 5 spend 1 hour reading fiction.
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
I have blocked YT again because I have been having slips for like two or three days in a row. I have also been binging stupid shows there. There is so much trash on YT. I have more meaningful things to do. I have been going to sleep very very late and I have had slips just before going to bed. I will have to try to go to bed earlier. This will also help me to get up in time the next day. I'm at day 137 but I have not reached the state of mind that I want to reach. It will arrive at about 200 days but having slips will push it into the future. I have to remember why I'm on this journey. What I stand to gain. If I slip up much more I definitely will return to a state of mind where I don't have goals, feel nothing but apathy with my life going around in circles in a filthy room wasting time that I could invest developing things that I want to develop in my life. To hell with that lifestyle.
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
I'm with you, brother! (I was going to ask if not watching YT was going to continue being your goal).

By the way, you and I share many similar things. We both like to read, we both meditate, and we're both learning Arabic! That is just one of the languages I want to learn, and I'm practicing writing out the first surah, al-Fatiha, about once a week.

Wishing you focus and motivation on your journey and your goals!
 

dopaminer

Member
Hey @Emptyroom. I just wanted to let you know that seeing you're continued commitment and conviction to reboot and reach freedom from P is really inspiring for me. I appreciate your honesty in your postings and how much insight you provide about your process and state of mind. I'm glad you've found (and continue to refine) a process that works for you - and I hope you don't feel like you're pushing yourself too hard. Keep it up, man!
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 143.

Daily GoalsMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFriday
Get up at 8 AM 20% CompletedCompletedNot completedNot completedNot completedNot completed
Meditate two times at least 5 minutes 100% CompletedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompleted
Spend at least 15 minutes on a yoga matt. 100% CompletedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompleted
Spend 30 minutes every day learning Arabic.100% CompletedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompleted
Spend 1 hour reading for fun. 100% CompletedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompletedCompleted

This was a good week. I had no problems completing my goals except the one about getting up at 8 AM. It will take more focus and willpower from me and I really didn't give it much of a try this week. I had it as a goal, but it wasn't really a goal. I sort of ignored it. Next week I will make more of an effort to get up early! Part of the solution is going to bed earlier. I have this bad habit of staying up late at night.

It has been a while since I wrote here about my thoughts and feelings. I have in recent weeks been posting only once a week to report how I've been doing with my goals. This makes it easier for me to see my progress I think.
I really like this strategy of working with weekly goals and putting them in tables. I believe that it really helps me to keep my focus on the right things. I feel in control and those days where I have lost control I have only had what I call "slips" that aren't as serious as a full blown relapse. So even when I have lost control, I have´still felt that I have had some control. I haven't had any serious urges. I have MO:d a few times but it has felt very safe and natural. I haven't had the chaser-effect. I no longer feel that there is a strong connection between MO and P. Even though I have used YT in a way similar to P, I have never felt the urge to take it a step further. Still, it is something that I avoid doing.

I have unblocked YT. Still blocking YT worked as a symbolic action and I haven't abused YT since I blocked it and unblocked it.

I have started a tinder-account and I have been having nice conversations with a woman there. In the past, starting a Tinder-account has been a red flag for me but this time I feel that I have things under control.

I feel like I'm in a good place in my life right now. The state of the world is another thing but I can't spend my time worrying about things out of my control.

I really like the goal I have about spending 15 minutes on a yoga-mat. Some days I have exercised other days I have done stretches. The more long-term goal is to start going to the gym but because of the pandemic I will stay away from gyms for a while.

Well. I would like to say more but I don't really have much to say right now.
Hey @Emptyroom. I just wanted to let you know that seeing you're continued commitment and conviction to reboot and reach freedom from P is really inspiring for me. I appreciate your honesty in your postings and how much insight you provide about your process and state of mind. I'm glad you've found (and continue to refine) a process that works for you - and I hope you don't feel like you're pushing yourself too hard. Keep it up, man!
Thank you very much! That makes me glad that you can get something out of what I write here. I hope things are going well for you! Right now I'm not feeling like I'm pushing myself to hard. I am trying to be nice to myself but also, I want to challenge myself. The secret I guess is to choose a good time to challenge yourself.

Have a great day!

/Emptyroom
 
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Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 146.

My new semester has begun now. I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with school and I haven't found my grounding. I also have a lot to read every week. Because I haven't settled in with my new courses yet, I haven't done anything related to daily goals yesterday and today, except reading. I felt bad about it. But I have to have understanding for myself. One thing that has gotten in the way this week is that an old friend is in town and I have spent time with her yesterday and with her and some other friends today.

I have not made any goals for this week because of this feeling of being overwhelmed. I'm not sure if I should leave the goals for now or if I need my weekly goals now more than ever. It is probably the latter that is correct but I feel some resistance.

What goals could I keep that would help with the stressful school situation?
Getting up early - I could have more time during the day to do more things. I could study and also do other things with a good conscience.
Meditation - meditation could help me relieve the feeling of stress.
15 minutes on yoga-mat - exercise and yoga could make me have more energy to do school-work and it could be beneficial for my memory. It would also help reduce stress.

These things would not take up that much time. It feels like it would take up time but it really saves me time or rather makes me study better.


I am supposed to go on a date on Friday but I don't feel that interested in that kind of thing right now. I will give her a chance though.

Maybe my school-situation isn't that hard. It is just new to me and maybe I got it in my head that it is going to be really hard. I'm going to write the most advanced paper I have ever written but that doesn't mean that it has to be much harder than before. All students write papers like that and if everyone can do it I can do it as well. I just have to give myself structure and that is something that I can do. I have already proven that to myself.
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
Good self-talk, and self-awareness, Josef! I think that the new schedule is just a little overwhelming initially, but that you'll find your 'groove' and acclimate soon enough. And like you said, you can rework your goals in at that time. Doing mini-goals to help you acclimate, too, I think is brilliant!

Good luck, and good job, brother!
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Good self-talk, and self-awareness, Josef! I think that the new schedule is just a little overwhelming initially, but that you'll find your 'groove' and acclimate soon enough. And like you said, you can rework your goals in at that time. Doing mini-goals to help you acclimate, too, I think is brilliant!

Good luck, and good job, brother!
Thank you Phineas!
 

OutOfTheBaux8

New Member
Journal. Day 48.

What sort of person do I want to be for others? Who am I and what do I like to do? These are hard question because there are many conflicting answers. A part of me want to be bad but a part of me wants to be good. A part of me don't like other people and another part does. A part of me only cares about myself but another cares deeply about others (that part isn't clear to me until some time of sobriety though). There is a part of me that hates myself but there is also a part that loves myself. There's one part that wants to fall into a PMO-rabbit hole and there's another that want to destroy the addiction forever. I could go on and on. It feels like there are hundreds of different people that live inside my mind. Who am I? What in my mind should I listen to?

What if none of those voices in my head where a part of me? Maybe my thoughts about myself are separate from who I am. That they are things that I don't have to listen to or care about.
I could picture my mind being like a fish-tank filled with many different thoughts about myself that swim around. Almost at random. Maybe the real me is the actual tank, the water and the hand choosing what thoughts to feed and what thoughts to ignore. That would mean that I'm really like everyone else. Observing the thoughts in my tank. Watching my thoughts swim around like everyone else. Maybe I'm being to intellectual about all this. I know who I think I am. I know my history, I know my faults. But does my thoughts about myself define me? Does my history define me? Does my faults define me? Does success? Does failure? Can a human being be defined? Obviously. But that doesn't mean that there is only one definition or that I don't have a selection.

I guess I'm just rambling here. But It feels good to ramble sometimes. It feels like it gives me some strength when I ramble. It feels a bit like I'm waiting and loading up strength for a battle in a war. I don't have any huge urges yet but I have a feeling that they will come at some point.

I didn't buy a daily planner today. I didn't set any daily goals but I cleaned my living room! It looks great now (parts of it). I also woke up early without even trying! I felt a lot happier today than yesterday. I think it's just because I cleaned. Could It be that simple?

I'm excited that I'm at day 50 soon. That worries me a bit as well because I know from the past that If I focus on reaching a certain number, It makes me have urges once I reach it. So I'm going to try not to focus on the numbers.

Hm. I'm feeling a bit smug about myself.. I don't like that. I should investigate that. It could all change for the worse in an instant. I could see something triggering, get an urge and go into zombie-mode. If I get smug, I get complacent.

I feel a bit lonely on this forum so far. No one has answered my messages about being an accountability partner yet. I hope I find someone to talk to soon. It's fine just talking to myself for now but my goal with being here is to stay connected. It feels good to just write for myself though.
I hope you are doing well now and are keeping to your freedom mindset. This post really made me think and that was really appreciated. I am only a few days into my reboot and this is definitely giving me inspiration.

Baux
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 148.

How did I implement my goals this week?

Daily goalsMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFriday
Get up at 8 am 0 % completed-----
Meditate twice (at least 5 minutes each time) 50% completed--1/2CompletedCompleted
Spend 15 minutes on a yoga-mat 60% completed--CompletedCompletedCompleted
Spend 30 minutes learning Arabic 60% completed--CompletedCompletedCompleted
Read a book for 1 hour 40% completedCompletedCompleted--- (I read one chapter)
Study for 2 hours. 50% completed--CompletedCompleted1/2


This week has not been the greatest but I really did great anyway considering how I was feeling in the beginning of the week . I started to feel on Wednesday.

I have been having "slips" on YT for three days in a row. From now I will not refer to them as "slips" but as "f*ckups" because they are not okay for me to keep having. I shouldn't beat myself up for having a slip sometime after some struggle but It has become a way to casual occurrence. It has been like presents that I have been giving myself. Yesterday was awful because I was up until 3 am basically edging to raunchy YT-material. I was stressed about work and I accidentally hurt a woman from tinders feelings. I said something without thinking on the phone and she got really hurt/angry and broke her contact with me. She misunderstood me but still. This made me feel like escaping so I spent a lot of time yesterday night looking at stupid YT-videos. I got up really late today. I didn't leave my bed until about 3 PM.

I have been going to bed very late and because of that and a momentary lack of discipline I have not gotten up at 8 AM. I have been going up very late every day this week.

BUT

Things have not just been bad! Things have been good! I went to the library and got all the books I need for one of my courses! That is an amazingly good thing to have done! I actually managed to keep working on my goals during the week! This has improved my mood a lot! I feel really good about this. I don't feel as overwhelmed as I felt this Monday. Things are improving!
I hope you are doing well now and are keeping to your freedom mindset. This post really made me think and that was really appreciated. I am only a few days into my reboot and this is definitely giving me inspiration.

Baux
Thank you very much Baux! It means something to me that I could give you some inspiration!


Take care!

/Emptyroom
 

OutOfTheBaux8

New Member
Day 148.

How did I implement my goals this week?

Daily goalsMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFriday
Get up at 8 am 0 % completed-----
Meditate twice (at least 5 minutes each time) 50% completed--1/2CompletedCompleted
Spend 15 minutes on a yoga-mat 60% completed--CompletedCompletedCompleted
Spend 30 minutes learning Arabic 60% completed--CompletedCompletedCompleted
Read a book for 1 hour 40% completedCompletedCompleted--- (I read one chapter)
Study for 2 hours. 50% completed--CompletedCompleted1/2


This week has not been the greatest but I really did great anyway considering how I was feeling in the beginning of the week . I started to feel on Wednesday.

I have been having "slips" on YT for three days in a row. From now I will not refer to them as "slips" but as "f*ckups" because they are not okay for me to keep having. I shouldn't beat myself up for having a slip sometime after some struggle but It has become a way to casual occurrence. It has been like presents that I have been giving myself. Yesterday was awful because I was up until 3 am basically edging to raunchy YT-material. I was stressed about work and I accidentally hurt a woman from tinders feelings. I said something without thinking on the phone and she got really hurt/angry and broke her contact with me. She misunderstood me but still. This made me feel like escaping so I spent a lot of time yesterday night looking at stupid YT-videos. I got up really late today. I didn't leave my bed until about 3 PM.

I have been going to bed very late and because of that and a momentary lack of discipline I have not gotten up at 8 AM. I have been going up very late every day this week.

BUT

Things have not just been bad! Things have been good! I went to the library and got all the books I need for one of my courses! That is an amazingly good thing to have done! I actually managed to keep working on my goals during the week! This has improved my mood a lot! I feel really good about this. I don't feel as overwhelmed as I felt this Monday. Things are improving!

Thank you very much Baux! It means something to me that I could give you some inspiration!


Take care!

/Emptyroom
Forsure, no problem!

Baux
 
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