Still no libido (100+ days)

[casanova]

Hi everyone,

I'm 35 yo, and went from being an extremely horny, athletic, and charming womanizer used to go for 3-4 rounds in every one-night stand, to someone without ANY interest in sex anymore.

1998: I started PMO at 13. Back then it was VHS, and slowly came the internet.. it was never a problem though.
2011: I married a woman that later showed to have a VERY low sex drive.
2015: We had sex only once per month, so PMO increased to compensate.
2018: She got pregnant and since then we had sex max 3 times, almost sexless life. My PMO increased drastically, every day I had PMO sessions. It destroyed my brain and killed my libido for real sex. In 2018 I still could have sex normally, 2-3 rounds, no problem if I wanted. But since she got pregnant I've been PMO'ing 2-3 times per day, and now even if I see a very attractive woman in the supermarket, I feel no attraction at all. Feeling sexless.

I want my life back, so I've talked with my wife, and I'm now at least allowed to have sex with other women (which I didn't yet because of no libido).

And since last Christmas 2020 I've quit PMO to fight for my libido:

Day 0: Christmas, 3 times PMO on that day already with a 50% erection. Last time I've watched porn. 
Days 1 to 7: increasing productivity, zero libido;
Days 8 to 10: first heavy flatline, weakness, zero libido, feeling tired etc;
Day 11 to 25: increasing productivity, still zero libido, but were good days; on the day 13 i had blue balls, it hurt hard;
Day 26: for the first time in months I got an erection only by fantasizing during a shower - no touching, only thoughts. Felt like an improvement;
Day 27 to 59: endless flatline. Dead penis, sometimes it looked like my penis would hide inside of me if he could, looked like a mini worm, very scary;
Day 60: still no morning wood, but for the first time in years I've felt a healthy attraction for my wife. She took a shower and came out naked; I admired her body as for a long time I didn't.
Day 61 to 63: slowly got some progress; very motivated for sports as well, lifting hard weights and feeling very 'manly' and self-confident.
Day 66: almost had a wet dream. I woke up very horny, it felt like I could have sex with any woman on earth. It felt awesome, it's how I used to feel before losing my libido to porn.
Day 67 to 70: more frequent sex thoughts, feeling hornier in general. Getting erections easily while on the sofa watching tv shows with my wife.
Day 71: first sex with my wife since my reboot and it was awesome! I was extremely horny and relaxed, we had great foreplay and at least 20 mins sex. Orgasm was one of the best of my life!
Day 72: I woke up with strong morning wood, and thought I was cured. But I was wrong...
Day 73 to 95: flatline! No libido, no real attraction or will to nothing sex related.. feeling like day 1. 
Day 96: we were on the sofa, I was softly touching myself, got a 70% erection. She gave me a bj, and I O'ed still with a half erection. Wasn't good. One hour later I had another erection stronger though, but did nothing with it.
Day 97 to 100: flatline.. here I was getting impatient and was every day slowly touching myself, to see if there was some improvement..
Day 101: On this day for the first time in my journey I fapped two times (no porn, only fantasy/thoughts).
Day 102 - 112: flatline. I have some 50% morning wood and some small libido in the early morning. But during the day no sex thoughts and don't find any woman attractive.

Please note that all my journey happens during quarantine.

As mentioned I've talked with my wife that I need an active sex life again, and we came to the agreement to give me more 'freedom'. So in the future, I might mention sex with other women in this journal. It's with my wife's consent so please don't judge me morally. I kind of sacrificed my sexuality in the last years because of my family. Now I want my sexuality back and expect only support here.

Right now there's no opportunity to interact with other women though, and I have no attraction at all for my wife due to this low libido.

I'll update this journal from time to time, and any input, comment, suggestion, question is welcome. I'm practicing sports, eating well, sleeping well, taking supplements of vitamin D, B12, Zinc, even maca and zero porn. At least 3 times per week I do 100 squats a day. I bike hard 2 times per week, lift weights almost every day. Take online dance lessons. I mean, I have a healthy lifestyle. Right now I don't know on which phase of reboot/rewire I am anymore. Around day 70 was great, but after the sex it went downhill. I'm now hardmode again since day 101, expecting to feel an increase libido within the next 4-6 weeks, and this time I'll not have sex right away. I will hold the tension a bit, playing with my wife without orgasming. I'll try to keep you posted!

 

[zackergeet]

Hello Casanova, it is very intersting to read your experience. I am intrigued since I have read before some other stories about people getting better cutting all PMO And once they start having sex it is like a relapse and they go to a flatline. I am just in day 38 and I see some progress and I am doing many things exactly like you eating healthy, lifting, running, swimming but I am afraid that after a long period it does not work as expected. I know for sure PMO is damaging, I can only hope that someday get to normality. Hope you get better as in your golden days Casanova, keep writing it is always inspiring to see how you managed to go 100 without PMO and wish you luck with everything!

 

[CapoReboot]

This one is very interesting. I've some stories like this but, I'm always unsure how they overcame it.

 

[casanova]

Day 113: I woke up with MW 80% (improvement), but no libido, sex thoughts etc. 10 minutes later the erection was gone, and my sex drive is on zero. It's anyway an improvement, my mood is great and no dead penis/heavy flatline symptoms.

@zackergeet: thanks man. If you're journaling here in the forum please let me know your thread and I'll check it out. Wish you success there. Let's be patient and sooner or later we'll reboot/rewire w/ success.

@CapoReboot: I'm coming to the conclusion that I had a very successful reboot  (see days 66 to 71), but failed in rewiring somehow. My first sex (Day 71) was excellent, but on the day after it felt like a relapse. Instead of feeling like rewiring and making progress, it felt like starting from zero once again. So I'm with the hypothesis that after a successful hardmode reboot, there is this 'rewire' phase when its important to be careful and maybe don't orgasm right away and ruin everything. To use the sexual tension to force neuroplasticity rewiring the brain to real sex contact, still without the orgasm reward. Instead of O'ing, might be better to have only kissing, foreplay and soft stimulation for 1-2 weeks, to continuously increase the tension even more. Probably till wet dreams happens, when the body simply can't hold the tension anymore. And after finally O'ing, maybe it's better to keep having sex as often as possible, to rewire successfully once for all.

Does it makes sense to you guys? I would like to hear you about it.

I'll stay hardmode again till I feel that sex drive of 'day 66 - 71' again. And when it happens, I'll focus in rewire with success. If you have thoughts about it, it's welcome.

 

[casanova]

Day 114: Again morning wood of 80%. It lasted longer than yesterday, around 15 minutes. Still no sex drive/random erection during the day but I'm feeling good. I expect to feel blue balls in the next 1-2 weeks, and then start getting horny again. When it happens I'll try to rewire properly, let's see how it goes.

 

[Sliced]

Hi Casanova.

Partner of a man addicted to porn, 8 months free of PMO and successful rewire. I also have 10 years experience working with addiction.

I note you that you reflect on your days of casual sex, and describe yourself as a womaniser with nostalgia. It sounds like this is your definition of health or normality for you? You also sound throughout your journal that you have an expectation of yourself to be ready for sex at the drop of a hat with any woman, and to be able to achieve erections while watching tv, or seeing attractive women in public.
Perhaps I am way off here, but to me this feels very much like the way men are represented in porn. Always hard, erections that last even when they aren?t being stimulated, always ready for sex with random women at unexpected times etc...I wonder if this is a realistic expectation to hold yourself to?
Porn and sex addiction have some real crossovers, maybe it might be an idea to consider counselling to look at your expectations around sex, and the standards you hold yourself to? Remember - porn doesn?t only give women self esteem issues. My partner did counselling as has found this really useful.

Also I would advise you consider accountability. Of course, what you have written is just a snapshot, however I hear that you put a lot of the blame on your wife as to causing your porn addiction - by not giving you the amount of sex you wanted. I would be careful with this. Having a partner who wants less sex than you is of course a very difficult dynamic to manage, however you chose to stay in the relationship and use PMO to manage that issue. It wasn?t your only Choice. I don?t mean to suggest that you chose porn knowing what would happen, but I think accountability is a really important part of facing addiction, and such a small act of taking responsibility can make a massive difference in the way you face issues.

Have you sacrificed your sexuality for your family? Or have you become so ingrained in your addiction that sex now feels more important than your family or fixing issues with your wife? Porn and porn scenarios are convincing you that you are missing out on a world of chaotic hook ups and satisfying sex, when this might not be reality?
It makes me think of my partner, who was big into sex chatting and buying images. He would arrange hook ups that were really hot when talking about it online, but would be unable to perform and would find them really embarrassing. Hearing him talk about this is really Heartbreaking as this became such a deep source of shame for him by reinforcing the idea that he was worthless. Be careful here.

Is finding other women to have sex with the number one priority here, at the point that you have still not successfully rebooted, or is it worth working with your wife to rewire your brain to find real women attractive?

Finding other women is something you are going to need to navigate carefully if you are doing this by internet - sex chatting, arranging hook ups, swapping pictures etc are all digital sexual stimulation and things that can lead to porn use. I would argue in fact that they are porn use.

I?m not going to tell you that you shouldn?t be arranging to have sex with others, this is your choice, but where does you wife stand within this, do you want a sexual relationship with her?
It sounds like she is incredibly committed to you if she is willing to let you have sex with other women in order to stay with you, and you clearly want to stay with her otherwise you would leave.

Presumably she matched your sex drive when you were first together? In which case, is it worth suggesting you work together on why this changed and if there?s a possibility that working through this might increase her sex drive and enable you to both have enjoyable/ satisfying sex together?

I hear that you aren?t the man you felt you once were and that must be horrible. I wonder if your wife feels that she is the same woman she once was? I wonder if life events including using her body to provide children for the both of you has robbed her of her identity and she feels sexless herself?

One of the hardest things with addiction is that it works it?s way into so many aspects of your life. Sure, there is the practical level of rebooting to help with the physical symptoms - but it?s really import You realise that rebooting alone will only address the physical aspects, not the psychological. It is your choice, if you only want to address the physical then discount what I say, but I would suggest that recovery will be difficult if not impossible to maintain without addressing the psychological parts.

Lastly, with regards to your rewire - my understanding is that this time needs to be completely free of MO. I think some people do M to fantasy, but I think this is still risky ground. You want to be letting your brain reset. I can?t imagine how worrying it must feel to think that your penis isn?t alive, however so many men report that resisting the urge to ?check? during rewriting is the hardest part. I think that every time you are touching yourself to check you could be putting yourself back in the process. I will let the men support you more around this though.
Myself and my partner found it really difficult to work out how we should approach sex during rebooting because there isn?t a lot of information. My partner didn?t touch himself at all during the process and we did have sex regularly, although we did this alongside a lot of talking and working on our relationship and I think that made a big difference. Would strongly recommend.

If you are involving you wife in your recovery (which I strongly recommend) I would highly recommend the book ?love you, hate porn?.

take care, cassanova.

 

[casanova]

Day 115 no MW today. But during a shower in the afternoon, I naturally fantasized about an acquaintance of mine and quickly got an 80% erection, without efforts. It went away as quick as it came, but still I understood it as a progress.

@Sliced: firstly thanks for taking your time to read my journal and share your thoughts, advice, and questions with me - you're welcome. You have wise inputs and an interesting mindset, it was good to read you. You got a pretty good idea of what I expect of myself, yes. It's not a far away ideal though - it was my reality till two years ago. I believe that with efforts and time I can conquer my libido back - that's my main goal with this journey.

You put many questions, I will try to answer some of them:
Have you sacrificed your sexuality for your family?
-Yes. Sadly we live in a monogamic culture, where sexuality is still extremely oppressed by moral values. There are many men that can deal with that, but there are others with very high libido like me who can't. It's was a daily struggle to cope with these standards, but I needed to if I wanted to build a family. Most of men with high sex drive as me, especially those with very low sex drive wives, manage it thanks to affairs and callgirls. I managed thanks to porn, but after years, it damaged my brain and compromised my libido. I'm glad that I have a comprehensive wife, and I wish I can have my libido back and use it freely, with her and other real people, without guilty and without hurting no one. My libido is a gift, sex makes me happier, and being happier I'm better for me and to everyone around me, including my family, friends, work colleagues - everyone. So yes, I sacrificed sex to build up a family with this woman I love so much. But now I want it my libido back and I want a healthy sex life again. Again, it's with her contentment - I will not hurt anyone, so I don't see really any problem wishing that.

Or have you become so ingrained in your addiction that sex now feels more important than your family or fixing issues with your wife?
-No, actually I was way more addicted to sex years ago than now. To quit porn wasn't even a struggle - I decided it on last Christmas, never even thought about watching porn again and don't miss it at all. Regarding fixing things with my wife: there are people in the world with very low sex drive. She is one of them, always has been. We did couple therapy, and there is no issues. We are a happy family.

Is finding other women to have sex with the number one priority here, at the point that you have still not successfully rebooted, or is it worth working with your wife to rewire your brain to find real women attractive?
-My number one priority is to have my libido back. I'll definitely work with my wife to rewire my brain and be healthy again.

I?m not going to tell you that you shouldn?t be arranging to have sex with others, this is your choice, but where does your wife stand within this, do you want a sexual relationship with her?
-I appreciate that you respect my choice. Not only my choice, but it's also with the consenting of my wife - I'm very glad that she is open-minded enough so we can break with this monogamic culture that simply doesn't work for everyone.  And yes, when I had my libido I wanted sex with her more than with anyone else.

Presumably she matched your sex drive when you were first together?
-Sadly she never did. She has a very low sex drive. As soon as she reaches orgasm she prefers to stop the sex act. For days. I'm the opposite, I'm one of those guys who likes to spend hours having sex and having a beautiful and unique intimate moment together. The whole night, and more during the next day if possible. Anyway she is the most amazing person in the world. To let her go 'only because of sex' never was an option for me. I love her very much, since day one, too much to let her go for this reason. I always thought we could figure something out, or at least I could. Which I did, 'thanks' to porn. Now we have a family, she is very happy. It was the right decision, I'll never regret it.

I hear that you aren?t the man you felt you once were and that must be horrible. I wonder if your wife feels that she is the same woman she once was? I wonder if life events including using her body to provide children for the both of you has robbed her of her identity and she feels sexless herself?
-I wouldn't say horrible. I have a pretty good life. It's easier to live without libido, than to live with a very high libido and forbidden to have real sex actually. That was hard. But still, it's not healthy to be satisfied sexually only due to porn. I would start to feel miserable to stay in this condition without fighting for my self-realization. Which includes having a healthy sex life as one of its fundaments actually.

I wonder if life events including using her body to provide children for the both of you has robbed her of her identity and she feels sexless herself?
-Yes, definitely. Not only her body - our son demands almost her entire mind as well. Her attention, her thoughts, worries, they are in our son, which I respect totally. I really do my best to let her be the best mom she wants and needs to be. Maybe another man in my place would be impatient and demand sex, it happens very often. I don't. Through porn, I annulated myself and dealt with my high libido, in order to respect her moment and don't bother her with sexual urges. In any case, she is so awesome: to my eyes, she is even more beautiful now than before. And she feels very well with her body too. Our son is two years old - she was completely sexless since the pregnancy till last month. But right now, sex or intimate moments don't bother her at all. On the opposite, she now also wants to recover her identity as a woman, instead of being 'only a mom'.  So it's great timing for this reboot/rewire, for both of us.

Now if I kindly can ask you back, you said:
I would suggest that recovery will be difficult if not impossible to maintain without addressing the psychological parts.
-Here you mean that to recover my libido I should address the psychological parts? If so I would like to hear more about it. Because I'm really not bothered with the social part (my marriage - we are doing really great, she is happy and so am I) nor the psychological aspects - they are fine for me. And I don't have urges to porn, never had. I had a heavy bad habit to PMO due to high sex drive and lack of real sex due to monogamy and a low sex drive partner. But considering that without efforts I didn't relapse once since my decision, I'm not sure if I'm a classic case of porn addiction. Which psychological parts should I work?

Regarding your advice for my rewire, and to my relationship, I honestly appreciate it. I feel that behind your gesture there's positive energy, a real will to help me. Thanks for this, Sliced. And congrats for the successful rewire with your partner. He is surely a lucky man to have such an attentive and comprehensive partner as you.

 

[CB]

First of all, congratulations on you 115 day free from PMO.No or very low libido during recovery is to be expected as to many sources like sex addiction sites, even people recovering from drug addiction get this no libido effect for a while. It can take a long time to subside, so remember to let it take time. I know it is really scary when we?ve had such a high sex drive during our years of PMO or sex addiction.
It?s really good you and your wife have an open discussion about it, and as long as both of you are okay with your descisions about your sexlife that?s good.
Just make sure you?re not falling into some type of substitute for your addiction, because I know one of the main parts of this addiction is wanting to have different partners and there is no stop to it.

I?m only making some points, you probably have read up as the most part of us on here about addiction. Going to SAA meetings on skype or in reality is something that is recommended and can be really informative and helping about relationship questions too.

I?m no expert or anything, I?m just another addict hanging in there everyday. And I wish you well man, keep fighting the good fight.

 

[casanova]

Day 116 MW 30% today and not a single erection during the day. I've got a cold since Friday and didn't practiced sports, maybe that's why. But I'm feeling much better today, and noticed a sharper mind, more self-confidence, motivation for everything - I'm feeling good. Just 'still no libido'.

@CB: thank you very much for your words and input, I appreciate it! 

 

[casanova]

Day 117 MW 20%..but got a random erection during the day - good sign! Was a weak erection, but still. I'm recovering from a cold. Can't wait to practice sports again. 

 

[casanova]

Day 121 (20 days since my last O) The last days were similar, no big progress. But MW is getting better and today I've had two random erections during the day. For an instant I had an healthy will to have sex. It's a progress. I expect things getting more intensive by the end next month.

 

[zackergeet]

Hello Casanova,

Thank you for sharing your story hope you get rewired totally and it is interesting to read what how you do it. I have a post called ?this time I have to quit for good? I would appreciate your suggestions since it can relate to your story In the part that of the activities I do to like exercise, fasting, etc. Hope you get your goal to be like you use to be, keep it up!

Day 121 (20 days since my last O) The last days were similar, no big progress. But MW is getting better and today I've had two random erections during the day. For an instant I had an healthy will to have sex. It's a progress. I expect things getting more intensive by the end next month.

 

[Lost36]

Hello Casanova, it is very intersting to read your experience. I am intrigued since I have read before some other stories about people getting better cutting all PMO And once they start having sex it is like a relapse and they go to a flatline. I am just in day 38 and I see some progress and I am doing many things exactly like you eating healthy, lifting, running, swimming but I am afraid that after a long period it does not work as expected. I know for sure PMO is damaging, I can only hope that someday get to normality. Hope you get better as in your golden days Casanova, keep writing it is always inspiring to see how you managed to go 100 without PMO and wish you luck with everything!

my story is identical to yours .. if I could go back in time, I would pick up prostitutes there instead of porn, marriage 15yo in the trash!

 

[casanova]

Day 126 without PMO (25 days without O) These days are hell. Feeling irritated, impatient, weak, w/ difficult to concentrate. Feeling very frustrated, even simple tasks feels like pushing a mountain to get done, and I can't even think about doing sports. I'm mainly only going out for a walk every day so I at least can sleep well. The mood here is terrible. MW is there but weaker than last week.

When it's all over (I expect that in two weeks it will be much better) I'll be so afraid of O'ing. I will improve my kegel game and dive into karezza as long as I can. Will be hard to have sex and don't O, but I don't want to cross it all again, this is such a nightmare. Thanks for everyone following me on this, as soon as I feel better I'll let you know. 

 

[casanova]

Day 129 without PMO (28 days without O) I've felt tired of feeling bad, and started doing heavy sports again. It worked, and now at least my mood is stable and I'm waking up with 90% MW. This morning I had blue balls, and yesterday I had a random erection. So it's a progress. Hopefully I'll start feeling horny in 2-3 weeks and can experiment rewiring with my wife (I plan to have sex everyday without O for at least 2 weeks).

 

[Rebootando]

You are definitely making progress, from your first report you didn't have MW for many days in the early reboot. Getting a couple of erections throughout the day is absolutely progress. I wouldn't put a timeline, like 2 weeks, for you to be recovered, but I don't think you'll be going years without having successful sex/libido. I think you're doing really well. The days when you don't get MW aren't signs of regression, the reboot is still working its magic. Keep it up.

 

[casanova]

Day 137 without P (day 36 without O). Depression and fatigue. I've been waking up with MW consistently. But as soon as the erection is gone, it's gone for the whole day. Feeling fatigued and depressed. Feels like I could burst in tears at anytime, for no reason. Besides my zero libido I can't complain, my life is really good at the moment. But feeling fatigued and depression, feels like everything is wrong and terrible. It demands lots of willpower to do any exercise but I'm doing. Difficult days. I hope to start feeling horny and excited for life by the end of this month. And then focus on rewiring succesfully. We'll see.

 

[casanova]

Day 142 without P (day 41 without O). I keep making progress guys! The depression and fatigue are gone. I'm having MW every day, erections of 70-80%. I'm feeling in a very good mood and without effort, I'm enjoying running a few km's every day and lifting weight hard. I'm with crossed fingers that it will continue like that, no more mood swings, and soon I'll start to feel horny again so I can try to rewire successfully. It should happen in two-three weeks, we'll see.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

It was interesting to read your story, Casanova. I also had high libido and because I did not have a partner, I became obsessed with PMO. Now, I do not have it at all. Thus, I can undestand what you feel and how you want it back.
I read the comments in the thread, and I am more than sure that it is not only physiological, but also psychological problem with PMO. You get used to it and do not react normally on women. I just do not know if it recovers normally with exclusion of PMO from your life or you need to rewire it somehow. The only thing I am sure of, letting PMO get out of your life will not hurt.
I wish you to continue with your outstanding job in building your libido back. You have made a huge progress, and I wish you to continue and you will achieve your destination soon!

 

[casanova]

wish you to continue with your outstanding job in building your libido back. You have made a huge progress, and I wish you to continue and you will achieve your destination soon!

Thanks, same to you!

Day 143 without P (day 42 without O). Yesterday I was on the internet till late in the evening, and today for the first time in a few days, I woke up without MW. Still zero libido during the day, but no fatigue, depression or whatever. Feeling good. I'm wondering if internet slow the progress of reboot/rewire. Anyways I practiced exercises today, hope to have more significant improvement before the end of the month. I want my libido back!