Day 4 (4 more to go)
Last night I started reading the book and I couldn't keep it down. I read it till, I think, 6-7 am in the morning. And slept then and have woken up just now. Haven't read at such a stretch before in my life. I know it is unhealthy and can feel lethargy. It makes me cautious of the day that lies ahead, as it could act as a trigger. Currently I'm at page 300 about to finish the book, on its last couple of pages.
It saddens to think about the fact that somewhere in this world the freedom that we take for granted is a rare privilege. Where the best the people hope for is self preservation and prevention from further degradation. Where people lives are treated like that of insects for reasons an ape would even refuse to consider as logical. And it is happening in our time maybe not in-front of our eyes, and we don't want to look at it because it isn't a comfortable sight. But our ignorance doesn't changes the truth for the kids that are getting robbed of families, their childhood and a good future, and maybe even of the things that I don't want to write here about.
Being a porn addict for the past decade I just indirectly add to their trauma, not directly but still I do. People like me are the ones demanding for porn, which is ever so getting violent. The porn industry is simply feeding our unquenching thirst, churning profits using people who somehow convince us of their satisfaction and pleasure they find in the fake acts but their actual lives are probably beyond our comprehension. Most of them pushed into this industry, coming from broken homes, have been victim to sexual abuse at a young age, trafficked and I don't even know who maybe went through what. It gives us a kick doesn't it? Those acts that our brain thinks as true, filling our brain with dopamine rush, we seeking pleasure from instant gratification of highest intensity trying to fill some or the other void in our lives with it. How can that ever lead to any good? No doubt my life has been no good, cause I have been seeking pleasure, sucking like a leech over the misery of another and I know that this misery is not very evident or obvious when one seeks porn. But we all always knew at some level despite the conditioning that these acts are all fake, the moans, the giggles, the dialogues, the curves, the expression, the humiliation depicted as pleasure. I know we got addicted to it at a young age when our understanding was limited and when novelty and nudity made us loose our heads. And it isn't entirely our fault to be addicted to it, but now at this stage where we do have this understanding we are still going back there. And I know I shouldn't keep going on in this train of thought as guilt in itself can act as a trigger, my brain is f**ked. And I can very well end up going there despite writing a paragraph on how I contribute towards degradation of some peoples life. Some hypocrite I am. Filling the voids in my life with garbage just because it is easy, available and gives a kick. Some garbage I am, I have known that ever since I started watching porn initially subconsciously. No doubt I have anxiety and symptoms of depression.