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I want the second chance for normal life
- Thread starter Iwantthesecondchance
- Start date
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Here we go again.
After some time of abstinence, I am back.
However, no good news to share. Only negative vibes. Let us start from what we have.
The only consistency I have is in bad habits - I constistently masturbate, even though not as often as before - the reason is probably PIED and low testosterone levels. I had not masturbated for two weeks, then I masturbated three days ago, and then last night. Since it was later than 12AM, I did it once again today two hours ago, thinking that the day is ruined anyway.
Another bad habit is video games - I play really a lot. I started playing in June, and I played all summer at least 12 hours a day on my phone. This is absolutely crazy. The craziest part of it is that I still continue playing, and I am not ready to quit because I have made a huge progress, but I need to keep up. Otherwise, I will not get the achievement in the end of the year.
On the contrary, I am unemployed and I need to help my elderly parents. Instead, I am not applying to jobs, not getting any certifications done, I am stagnant. Just spending the last of the resources that I so thoroughly saved throughout my life.
Some of my existing and previous friends achieved big milestones this year. Honestly, I am really glad for them, but I would also like to be successful myself. However, I am a loser in all possible areas of life. Even in a game that I play so much, my skill level is lower than medium! Sometimes, I even wonder, why my friends still continue our friendship?
About girls: I had a short-term relation with one girl, who was a virgin, and who wanted to lose virginity with me. Even though I was on pills to make my penis more erected, I could not do it. She wanted anal, but I also could not enter. We tried several times, but I did not succeed.
Later, I had a girlfriend, who was younger than me. And she wanted to have sex. But I was afraid of sex so much that I was trying to postpone it as much as I could. But you cannot do it all the time in long term relations. So some times we made attempts. I even took a Viagra pill of 100mg, but there was no result. One time, I was really hard with another pill which I took daily for the duration of 2 months. I was able to penetrate her, and my penis was super hard... but it died just in one minute completely without ejaculating. I think that I got tired physically from the movements in the sex act, and it softened. So as you can guess here, my physical shape is very bad, too. I am skinny fat.
After a while, this gf dumped me, I learnt that all this time that we were in relations for six months, she was cheating on me with other guys. Of course, there are several reasons to that, but one of them is that I could not satisfy her in bed. Now I am half a year without any attention from women again.
Recently, I was speaking to one woman who is in her 60s. We were discussing life just like friends, and then the conversation swayed to the topic of cheating. She told me that this is okay for a woman to cheat if a man can no longer perform in bed but she still wants sex. And then I felt how difficult it is to live with knowing that you are one of these men who cannot perform in bed and that many women would cheat on you because of your sexual problems.
At the same time, I noticed that I do not attract women at all anymore. No one ever would even throw a single-second look at me. I feel miserable. I do not have neither a strong body, nor a style, nor money, nor job, nor beautiful face, nor hobbies, nor interesting and funny stories. Nothing. I am a useless piece of garbage. In apps like tinder or bumble, I never get a single swipe, I never notice that girls are looking at me in public. Sometimes, I even like girls in tinder that I would never like, just to get their likes in return. But I still do not. I feel as if I am just a shadow of a man I used to be.
Sport, healthy diet, good sleep, applying to jobs like crazy, working on my professional credentials, hobbies, relations, sex, no masturbation, no porn, no video games, no social media, no whining like a little baby - I have nothing from this list on the track. Today, I am at the rock bottom of my life. And I am not sure that I will climb up. There are 100 days left till the year end, and I have to fix so many things that I am afraid to start.
After some time of abstinence, I am back.
However, no good news to share. Only negative vibes. Let us start from what we have.
The only consistency I have is in bad habits - I constistently masturbate, even though not as often as before - the reason is probably PIED and low testosterone levels. I had not masturbated for two weeks, then I masturbated three days ago, and then last night. Since it was later than 12AM, I did it once again today two hours ago, thinking that the day is ruined anyway.
Another bad habit is video games - I play really a lot. I started playing in June, and I played all summer at least 12 hours a day on my phone. This is absolutely crazy. The craziest part of it is that I still continue playing, and I am not ready to quit because I have made a huge progress, but I need to keep up. Otherwise, I will not get the achievement in the end of the year.
On the contrary, I am unemployed and I need to help my elderly parents. Instead, I am not applying to jobs, not getting any certifications done, I am stagnant. Just spending the last of the resources that I so thoroughly saved throughout my life.
Some of my existing and previous friends achieved big milestones this year. Honestly, I am really glad for them, but I would also like to be successful myself. However, I am a loser in all possible areas of life. Even in a game that I play so much, my skill level is lower than medium! Sometimes, I even wonder, why my friends still continue our friendship?
About girls: I had a short-term relation with one girl, who was a virgin, and who wanted to lose virginity with me. Even though I was on pills to make my penis more erected, I could not do it. She wanted anal, but I also could not enter. We tried several times, but I did not succeed.
Later, I had a girlfriend, who was younger than me. And she wanted to have sex. But I was afraid of sex so much that I was trying to postpone it as much as I could. But you cannot do it all the time in long term relations. So some times we made attempts. I even took a Viagra pill of 100mg, but there was no result. One time, I was really hard with another pill which I took daily for the duration of 2 months. I was able to penetrate her, and my penis was super hard... but it died just in one minute completely without ejaculating. I think that I got tired physically from the movements in the sex act, and it softened. So as you can guess here, my physical shape is very bad, too. I am skinny fat.
After a while, this gf dumped me, I learnt that all this time that we were in relations for six months, she was cheating on me with other guys. Of course, there are several reasons to that, but one of them is that I could not satisfy her in bed. Now I am half a year without any attention from women again.
Recently, I was speaking to one woman who is in her 60s. We were discussing life just like friends, and then the conversation swayed to the topic of cheating. She told me that this is okay for a woman to cheat if a man can no longer perform in bed but she still wants sex. And then I felt how difficult it is to live with knowing that you are one of these men who cannot perform in bed and that many women would cheat on you because of your sexual problems.
At the same time, I noticed that I do not attract women at all anymore. No one ever would even throw a single-second look at me. I feel miserable. I do not have neither a strong body, nor a style, nor money, nor job, nor beautiful face, nor hobbies, nor interesting and funny stories. Nothing. I am a useless piece of garbage. In apps like tinder or bumble, I never get a single swipe, I never notice that girls are looking at me in public. Sometimes, I even like girls in tinder that I would never like, just to get their likes in return. But I still do not. I feel as if I am just a shadow of a man I used to be.
Sport, healthy diet, good sleep, applying to jobs like crazy, working on my professional credentials, hobbies, relations, sex, no masturbation, no porn, no video games, no social media, no whining like a little baby - I have nothing from this list on the track. Today, I am at the rock bottom of my life. And I am not sure that I will climb up. There are 100 days left till the year end, and I have to fix so many things that I am afraid to start.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Two observations which I wanted to write here are the following:
1. I noticed that I watch only some crazy types of porn, normal porn does not stimulate me at all. I get excited by interracial porn where a white girl is totally dominated by a black man of a huge size, or by the videos of transgenders dominating women. I do not watch the same race videos at all. Even if I watch lesbians, I watch only the ones where there is a domination or a big size difference. I do not think that it is healthy, and I think that I have some psychological issues. I would like to visit a professional who could help me to deal with these problems because I can see that I am struggling a lot. Even though I want to change some things about me, I face difficulties in doing that, but in the first instance, I do not get it why I have these crazy stimulations in my brain. Sometimes I even have ideas to pay for sex with a transgender who would dominate me to learn how it is in real life. It is totally crazy and I do not want this type of thoughts at all. Luckily, I do not have money to experience this. In the meantime, I have very high standards for women, but I barely am myself 3 or 4 out of 10.
2. A couple of days ago, I was in metro, and I observed other people. Some of them look really sharp, well dressed, their faces are impeccable, they look well rested and have a lot of energy for the day ahead. But there are others, too. I was in metro when I saw that young man entering the train. He was between 24 - 29 years old I guess, already started balding, with some spots on his head free of hair. He was not shaved for a couple of days, his face was a bit swollen, and I could see that he did not have enough sleep. His eyes were red and tired, I had an impression that he just woke up. By all his look you could tell that he was not getting enough sleep, and he was not looking sharp. His clothing was clear, but it lacked a style, it lacked sharpness. And I suddenly recognized younger myself in him. I was never getting enough sleep either because of going out with my friends after long-hours workday where the best option would be just going home to sleep, because of chatting to some random girls in the internet, but most frequently because of porn-watching marathons. I am not sure that this guy in metro did the same, but somehow I had an inner feeling that this guy masturbates at nights 100%, he is just the same as me. At the same time, when I looked at him, I thought that I would not have dated him if I were a girl, he is just a guy who you date if you do not have other options. Unfortunately, this is the case. And I guess that I was this type of a guy, too. But it can be worse. Now I am the type of a guy that a girl would not have dated even if she had no other options. It seems that there are always ways to get worse.
In the public, in big companies, I am always trying to make fun, do a lot of jokes, I always smile and laugh. Some people think that I am one of the most positive people that they have ever encountered. But deep inside, I am full of negative emotions, I am very sad and depressed.
When people get to know me closer, they realize that I am not that positive, but they do not even have any idea of how sad and pessimistic I am. And quite honestly, I do not think that avoiding porn and masturbation alone will combat this problem.
1. I noticed that I watch only some crazy types of porn, normal porn does not stimulate me at all. I get excited by interracial porn where a white girl is totally dominated by a black man of a huge size, or by the videos of transgenders dominating women. I do not watch the same race videos at all. Even if I watch lesbians, I watch only the ones where there is a domination or a big size difference. I do not think that it is healthy, and I think that I have some psychological issues. I would like to visit a professional who could help me to deal with these problems because I can see that I am struggling a lot. Even though I want to change some things about me, I face difficulties in doing that, but in the first instance, I do not get it why I have these crazy stimulations in my brain. Sometimes I even have ideas to pay for sex with a transgender who would dominate me to learn how it is in real life. It is totally crazy and I do not want this type of thoughts at all. Luckily, I do not have money to experience this. In the meantime, I have very high standards for women, but I barely am myself 3 or 4 out of 10.
2. A couple of days ago, I was in metro, and I observed other people. Some of them look really sharp, well dressed, their faces are impeccable, they look well rested and have a lot of energy for the day ahead. But there are others, too. I was in metro when I saw that young man entering the train. He was between 24 - 29 years old I guess, already started balding, with some spots on his head free of hair. He was not shaved for a couple of days, his face was a bit swollen, and I could see that he did not have enough sleep. His eyes were red and tired, I had an impression that he just woke up. By all his look you could tell that he was not getting enough sleep, and he was not looking sharp. His clothing was clear, but it lacked a style, it lacked sharpness. And I suddenly recognized younger myself in him. I was never getting enough sleep either because of going out with my friends after long-hours workday where the best option would be just going home to sleep, because of chatting to some random girls in the internet, but most frequently because of porn-watching marathons. I am not sure that this guy in metro did the same, but somehow I had an inner feeling that this guy masturbates at nights 100%, he is just the same as me. At the same time, when I looked at him, I thought that I would not have dated him if I were a girl, he is just a guy who you date if you do not have other options. Unfortunately, this is the case. And I guess that I was this type of a guy, too. But it can be worse. Now I am the type of a guy that a girl would not have dated even if she had no other options. It seems that there are always ways to get worse.
In the public, in big companies, I am always trying to make fun, do a lot of jokes, I always smile and laugh. Some people think that I am one of the most positive people that they have ever encountered. But deep inside, I am full of negative emotions, I am very sad and depressed.
When people get to know me closer, they realize that I am not that positive, but they do not even have any idea of how sad and pessimistic I am. And quite honestly, I do not think that avoiding porn and masturbation alone will combat this problem.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Another observation: throughout this week, I noticed that sometimes I want to masturbate, and yes, not to have sex, NO! I have done it so much in my life that now my sexual desires are associated not with a real sex, but with masturbation. But this desire is psychological, not physical, I do not get erection. I think that one of the drivers for this psychological desire for masturbation is my instagram, where sometimes I see half-naked girls with perfect bodies. And instead of re-focusing my attention on something else, I save these reels or posts in bookmarks thinking that if I ever relapse, I want to masturbate while looking at this gorgeous lady, and not some low quality stuff. As if I already program myself for a failure.
Also, as I self-reflect, one of the many things that I dislike about myself is that I do not have self-confidence at all. I spoke to some of my friends, and they are super self-condifent. Yet I always think that something would go wrong and I would fail in all possible ways. I project in my mind many situations where I fail yet never those where I would be successful and strong. I try to change it, but it is so deep inside of me, that I cannot change it. Or even if I try to keep these thoughts away of me, in a couple of hours I get the same thoughts again and I surrender.
Today is Sunday, and I almost spent the whole day indoors. For the whole day, I have done nothing useful at all. I am very low efficient in the productivity and cannot concentrate on any task more than two minutes. I turned on my computer to send my CV to one job position, but instead I entered here to write my observations for the week that I did not masturbate.
Sometimes I think that I try to do anything I can to keep myself busy and avoid sending my applications to improve my life.
Also, as I self-reflect, one of the many things that I dislike about myself is that I do not have self-confidence at all. I spoke to some of my friends, and they are super self-condifent. Yet I always think that something would go wrong and I would fail in all possible ways. I project in my mind many situations where I fail yet never those where I would be successful and strong. I try to change it, but it is so deep inside of me, that I cannot change it. Or even if I try to keep these thoughts away of me, in a couple of hours I get the same thoughts again and I surrender.
Today is Sunday, and I almost spent the whole day indoors. For the whole day, I have done nothing useful at all. I am very low efficient in the productivity and cannot concentrate on any task more than two minutes. I turned on my computer to send my CV to one job position, but instead I entered here to write my observations for the week that I did not masturbate.
Sometimes I think that I try to do anything I can to keep myself busy and avoid sending my applications to improve my life.
I do the same. It struck me recently lapsing that my erection was almost as poor as in real life. I've also noticed in recent times, if I edge too long I just lose it, like the brain just runs out of sexual charge, and I have to finish at about forty perfect strength. Pretty sad stuff really.
The reason I think we can continue like this for so long with porn is we can edge for ages until we're more or less there, can consume & search for more material, skip to the most exciting parts if we become bored or begin to go soft mid-way through and even if we do, still finish because we don't need to be hard enough to penetrate.
Obviously we can't do this in real life and, through abstaining and having real life interactions with real people, hopefully we can untrain our brains from doing this.
Intimacy & the ability to procreate is one of the most basic drives human beings are born with. It's our baseline of being. It's still in there somewhere I'm sure, we just need to find it & give ourselves the time to return to it.
The reason I think we can continue like this for so long with porn is we can edge for ages until we're more or less there, can consume & search for more material, skip to the most exciting parts if we become bored or begin to go soft mid-way through and even if we do, still finish because we don't need to be hard enough to penetrate.
Obviously we can't do this in real life and, through abstaining and having real life interactions with real people, hopefully we can untrain our brains from doing this.
Intimacy & the ability to procreate is one of the most basic drives human beings are born with. It's our baseline of being. It's still in there somewhere I'm sure, we just need to find it & give ourselves the time to return to it.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Yes, it surely is one of the instincts that was developed by our ancestors throughout many years, and even though we have our bad habits for 20 years or more, I am sure that this problem can be cured. Just need to be sure that we make continuous efforts and do not relapse. Otherwise, we will be just going rounds and not progress. Thank you for the support.I do the same. It struck me recently lapsing that my erection was almost as poor as in real life. I've also noticed in recent times, if I edge too long I just lose it, like the brain just runs out of sexual charge, and I have to finish at about forty perfect strength. Pretty sad stuff really.
The reason I think we can continue like this for so long with porn is we can edge for ages until we're more or less there, can consume & search for more material, skip to the most exciting parts if we become bored or begin to go soft mid-way through and even if we do, still finish because we don't need to be hard enough to penetrate.
Obviously we can't do this in real life and, through abstaining and having real life interactions with real people, hopefully we can untrain our brains from doing this.
Intimacy & the ability to procreate is one of the most basic drives human beings are born with. It's our baseline of being. It's still in there somewhere I'm sure, we just need to find it & give ourselves the time to return to it.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Today in the morning I had a dream, and while I do not remember the details, I remember that the subject of my desire was a lady in her 40s from middle-eastern origin with three children and huge breasts. She lived in a European or North American country and was not religious.
I do not remember why but I wanted her so much, and this was the dream when you are still sleeping but already not deep enough. When I opened my eyes, I had an erection.
Yesterday, I was reading some financial articles about some governmental organizations, nothing related to porn nor some erotics. Nevertheless, I instinctively started playing with my penis which was not erected at all. I noticed that and stopped it immediately. But then this repeated 3 or 4 times.
So, what I have today thanks to porn and masturbation - 1) strange behavior that is already happening on its own 2) sexual desires which are most probably related to my porn addiction.
This is not the end. Yesterday I wrote to a transgender to ask her about the terms etc. Instead of cultivating new habits which would replace the old ones, something as simple as do push ups whenever you feel the urge or just go to fresh air, I continue this circle by doing some crazy stuff. I do not think that I would forgive myself if I have any sexual contact involving a transgender or another man, then why am I doing this crazy shit I do not know. I do not even understand what is the fun part about it.
I do not remember why but I wanted her so much, and this was the dream when you are still sleeping but already not deep enough. When I opened my eyes, I had an erection.
Yesterday, I was reading some financial articles about some governmental organizations, nothing related to porn nor some erotics. Nevertheless, I instinctively started playing with my penis which was not erected at all. I noticed that and stopped it immediately. But then this repeated 3 or 4 times.
So, what I have today thanks to porn and masturbation - 1) strange behavior that is already happening on its own 2) sexual desires which are most probably related to my porn addiction.
This is not the end. Yesterday I wrote to a transgender to ask her about the terms etc. Instead of cultivating new habits which would replace the old ones, something as simple as do push ups whenever you feel the urge or just go to fresh air, I continue this circle by doing some crazy stuff. I do not think that I would forgive myself if I have any sexual contact involving a transgender or another man, then why am I doing this crazy shit I do not know. I do not even understand what is the fun part about it.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Yesterday I had another dream, but this time with super famous pornstars who I watched all the time having sex in different positions. It was so vivid as if I watched in the reality. I do not understand why I have these dreams because I had a lot of periods of 2 weeks or so without porn and masturbation. This night, however, I did not have dreams but my sleep was not good.
For now, it is manageable to cope with my urges. I do not think that if I relapse one time then I will be in the position where I was 10 years ago when I was masturbating every day multiple times. Simply it is different for two reasons: 1. I had higher testosterone levels and it was almost impossible to resist the urges. Plus, my erection was not super good already, but it was still better than today. 2. Due to these lower testosterone levels and weaker erection today, I am able to avoid porn and masturbation for 2 weeks sometimes, so my brain is not that much addicted as before.
Nevertheless, I do not want to watch porn and masturbate because it does not allow me to make new connections in my brain and cultivate good habits. Instead, my old bad habits become stronger each time I continue this process, and I cannot change my life. Additionally, as a man human being, I need to have sex occasionally because of health problems that the abstinence of sex can cause. In my case, sex is the masturbation as there are simply no girls who would want it with me at this point of my life. So, in order to break the cycle, I will try to come into a better shape and work on my other skills. Yesterday, I tried to push up from my knees, not even from the floor, and I could not do it. And I am not overweight!
So I think I have become very weak. Need to improve it gradually.
For now, it is manageable to cope with my urges. I do not think that if I relapse one time then I will be in the position where I was 10 years ago when I was masturbating every day multiple times. Simply it is different for two reasons: 1. I had higher testosterone levels and it was almost impossible to resist the urges. Plus, my erection was not super good already, but it was still better than today. 2. Due to these lower testosterone levels and weaker erection today, I am able to avoid porn and masturbation for 2 weeks sometimes, so my brain is not that much addicted as before.
Nevertheless, I do not want to watch porn and masturbate because it does not allow me to make new connections in my brain and cultivate good habits. Instead, my old bad habits become stronger each time I continue this process, and I cannot change my life. Additionally, as a man human being, I need to have sex occasionally because of health problems that the abstinence of sex can cause. In my case, sex is the masturbation as there are simply no girls who would want it with me at this point of my life. So, in order to break the cycle, I will try to come into a better shape and work on my other skills. Yesterday, I tried to push up from my knees, not even from the floor, and I could not do it. And I am not overweight!
So I think I have become very weak. Need to improve it gradually.
I see dreams like this as a sign of healing personally, like the subconscious mind is resolving issues and clearing all the mental junk out through these experiences. Reading into it too much feels like a mental trap to me.
As for things like contacting the trans woman, I say don't sweat it, don't moralise or beat yourself up about it. Just an old addictive behaviour creeping in that took you by surprise. There's an interesting little discussion going on in my journal about self-esteem, shame and how it all feeds the cycle but the tl;dr for this is, don't stress about it, just keep moving forward.
The first push up is a good start! I like to hear stuff like this because in doing so you're actually taking action and working on something about yourself that you're not happy with rather than endlessly ruminating on it. Even if you couldn't do it the first attempt, now you've got something to work towards. Get into it! Do some research on ways to build up to & break through that first rep. And once you do, post about it here and let us know.
As for things like contacting the trans woman, I say don't sweat it, don't moralise or beat yourself up about it. Just an old addictive behaviour creeping in that took you by surprise. There's an interesting little discussion going on in my journal about self-esteem, shame and how it all feeds the cycle but the tl;dr for this is, don't stress about it, just keep moving forward.
The first push up is a good start! I like to hear stuff like this because in doing so you're actually taking action and working on something about yourself that you're not happy with rather than endlessly ruminating on it. Even if you couldn't do it the first attempt, now you've got something to work towards. Get into it! Do some research on ways to build up to & break through that first rep. And once you do, post about it here and let us know.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Thank you for the support, @Orbiter, it means a lot to me!
Yes, I still can see the traces of my old addictive behaviour which I can deal with so far. I continue my streak of days without porn and masturbation, but I do not count them. I should be close to two weeks now. I feel more pressure when I start counting, and try to find excuses such as "Oh, it is quite long, I can afford one day of rest as a reward for this long journey". And I can always count based on my posts chronology here. SSo, no need to count the days.
However, I think that I need to stop following the instagram models who post half naked photos with their bodies close to perfection. And I need to stop scrolling the websites with transwomen. I do it sometimes but I have to be cautious about it if I want to heal quicker.
I live in a small room, so when I hang my clothes here to dry, I cannot do sport because there is simply not enough space. But tomorrow I will continue with the push-ups.
The main thing is to prioritize the things to do and follow this roadmap. Because I notice that I do a lot of stuff which is not super urgent nor super important.
Yes, I still can see the traces of my old addictive behaviour which I can deal with so far. I continue my streak of days without porn and masturbation, but I do not count them. I should be close to two weeks now. I feel more pressure when I start counting, and try to find excuses such as "Oh, it is quite long, I can afford one day of rest as a reward for this long journey". And I can always count based on my posts chronology here. SSo, no need to count the days.
However, I think that I need to stop following the instagram models who post half naked photos with their bodies close to perfection. And I need to stop scrolling the websites with transwomen. I do it sometimes but I have to be cautious about it if I want to heal quicker.
I live in a small room, so when I hang my clothes here to dry, I cannot do sport because there is simply not enough space. But tomorrow I will continue with the push-ups.
The main thing is to prioritize the things to do and follow this roadmap. Because I notice that I do a lot of stuff which is not super urgent nor super important.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
A couple of days ago, I had a wet dream. I am not sure whether it happened due to the relatively long period of PMO or because I was super tired for the previous days. But the concentration of sperm was very bad, probably because of long time without ejaculation. It would be good to have occasional sex to solve this problem, but amongst many others there are two known reasons why I cannot do that: 1) ED 2) for the last couple of years of interactions with women, I have noticed that I never actually attract anyone (except two exceptions). And these two exceptions were crazy about sex themselves, so it was not my desert. I think that one of the problems is my appearance which I described above, and the second one is my super low self-esteem which is translated in my words and actions. I do not see the playfulness which would be there previously, my jokes are lame and everytime I start conversations from a weak and scary boy perspective. I definitely need to change it, but it comes from within. So, I think that I need to change my habits and then I hope that the self-esteem will start to increase.
I have done some positive actions throughout the last two weeks, but still I am super inefficient and there is a long way to go. Even though I try to get 7-8 hours sleep, I feel destroyed in the mornings and do not know what is the reason. So, three hours after I wake up I realize that the maximum I did is I had a breakfast.
Let us see what tomorrow brings. Still without porn and masturbation, but continue to touch my genitals all the time.
I have done some positive actions throughout the last two weeks, but still I am super inefficient and there is a long way to go. Even though I try to get 7-8 hours sleep, I feel destroyed in the mornings and do not know what is the reason. So, three hours after I wake up I realize that the maximum I did is I had a breakfast.
Let us see what tomorrow brings. Still without porn and masturbation, but continue to touch my genitals all the time.
Sometimes I think there is a chicken & egg correlation between those things. Like we may not have a sexual outlet or attract women due to ED & self-esteem issues but these two things unfortunately make us isolate, feel threatened by the prospect of a sexual outlet and can rob a person of the biological 'drive' to actually seek & attract others. It's like the natural 'hunger' to counterbalance all this insecurity & lack of motivation just isn't there.
The important thing here though is, as unsatisfied with your progress as you may feel, you are infact PMO free and you are still making progress in these areas of your life. Regardless of the speed of it, you actually are actually heading in the right direction at this present time, have been for weeks now and that's fucking awesome. So keep it up!
The important thing here though is, as unsatisfied with your progress as you may feel, you are infact PMO free and you are still making progress in these areas of your life. Regardless of the speed of it, you actually are actually heading in the right direction at this present time, have been for weeks now and that's fucking awesome. So keep it up!
Keep going! Starting is most difficult, and it get even worse later. Addiction is quite a hard sickness. But you will be heal!Here we go again.
After some time of abstinence, I am back.
However, no good news to share. Only negative vibes. Let us start from what we have.
The only consistency I have is in bad habits - I constistently masturbate, even though not as often as before - the reason is probably PIED and low testosterone levels. I had not masturbated for two weeks, then I masturbated three days ago, and then last night. Since it was later than 12AM, I did it once again today two hours ago, thinking that the day is ruined anyway.
Another bad habit is video games - I play really a lot. I started playing in June, and I played all summer at least 12 hours a day on my phone. This is absolutely crazy. The craziest part of it is that I still continue playing, and I am not ready to quit because I have made a huge progress, but I need to keep up. Otherwise, I will not get the achievement in the end of the year.
On the contrary, I am unemployed and I need to help my elderly parents. Instead, I am not applying to jobs, not getting any certifications done, I am stagnant. Just spending the last of the resources that I so thoroughly saved throughout my life.
Some of my existing and previous friends achieved big milestones this year. Honestly, I am really glad for them, but I would also like to be successful myself. However, I am a loser in all possible areas of life. Even in a game that I play so much, my skill level is lower than medium! Sometimes, I even wonder, why my friends still continue our friendship?
About girls: I had a short-term relation with one girl, who was a virgin, and who wanted to lose virginity with me. Even though I was on pills to make my penis more erected, I could not do it. She wanted anal, but I also could not enter. We tried several times, but I did not succeed.
Later, I had a girlfriend, who was younger than me. And she wanted to have sex. But I was afraid of sex so much that I was trying to postpone it as much as I could. But you cannot do it all the time in long term relations. So some times we made attempts. I even took a Viagra pill of 100mg, but there was no result. One time, I was really hard with another pill which I took daily for the duration of 2 months. I was able to penetrate her, and my penis was super hard... but it died just in one minute completely without ejaculating. I think that I got tired physically from the movements in the sex act, and it softened. So as you can guess here, my physical shape is very bad, too. I am skinny fat.
After a while, this gf dumped me, I learnt that all this time that we were in relations for six months, she was cheating on me with other guys. Of course, there are several reasons to that, but one of them is that I could not satisfy her in bed. Now I am half a year without any attention from women again.
Recently, I was speaking to one woman who is in her 60s. We were discussing life just like friends, and then the conversation swayed to the topic of cheating. She told me that this is okay for a woman to cheat if a man can no longer perform in bed but she still wants sex. And then I felt how difficult it is to live with knowing that you are one of these men who cannot perform in bed and that many women would cheat on you because of your sexual problems.
At the same time, I noticed that I do not attract women at all anymore. No one ever would even throw a single-second look at me. I feel miserable. I do not have neither a strong body, nor a style, nor money, nor job, nor beautiful face, nor hobbies, nor interesting and funny stories. Nothing. I am a useless piece of garbage. In apps like tinder or bumble, I never get a single swipe, I never notice that girls are looking at me in public. Sometimes, I even like girls in tinder that I would never like, just to get their likes in return. But I still do not. I feel as if I am just a shadow of a man I used to be.
Sport, healthy diet, good sleep, applying to jobs like crazy, working on my professional credentials, hobbies, relations, sex, no masturbation, no porn, no video games, no social media, no whining like a little baby - I have nothing from this list on the track. Today, I am at the rock bottom of my life. And I am not sure that I will climb up. There are 100 days left till the year end, and I have to fix so many things that I am afraid to start.
you will recover from that disease. be kind to yourself, enjoy the small wins. when there are losses, try to do good things also, so you will feel better and you will still make some progress. Do 1 minute sport ( 1 chin-up or push-up or back muscle movement). Make cv, contact some people who can help you reading your cv and give some advices, call to some company, send 1 application. Dont think about it, just do. You are responsible of your life, its hard but its your life. ( i am in same situation, i have to send my fucking first job application, and second and so on. Over 50. Disappoint many times, hopely get job soon.)
the journey forward sometimes includes a step back. having experienced those troubles myself and a good three hundred days later can cautiously say that this is the longest freedom ever. probably four or five years of trying and now the first time I've come this far.
Be mercy for yourself, one day it will be easier, its long way but its much better than addiction.
Keep going!
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
@Orbiter @Freerider thank you men, your support gives me additional strength to move forward!
I already applied to bunch of companies, and even though I have not got any positive response yet, I can clearly see that I am on a positive track. I also continue with push-ups and squats. The problem I face is that I lack consistency and efficiency. Some days I am more or less productive, the other days I do not do anything at all. I would like to get up at 6AM and by midday already to finish more than 50% of my planned work for a day. In reality, at 12 I just finish my breakfast and get ready to start doing something. Of course, it is better than before, but still a long road lies ahead.
I achieved 20 days without PMO today. However, I just realized that it maybe not true. Because in one of social media websites, they publish movies and the users write there that at this exact time mark there are nude scenes. So, I watched a couple of these. And even though it is not porn, not even erotica, I could see there naked bodies of actresses. So, maybe I should not be telling that I have 20 days without PMO.
Today I had a dream where I was in a club with a girl who appeared to be a pornstar. And she wanted to film something new, and somehow I was in an underwear with the label of the pornsite which she represented. So, she started seducing me on the dancefloor and making moves with her body next to mine to make me ready for the act. I remember that even in the dream, I was afraid that I would not be able to sustain my erection. And the erection in the dream was not super good, but it was okay, and I thought that oh okay, I managed it. And I started having sex with her right on the dancefloor. Suddenly I woke up and realized that I was moving like if I had sex. I had super good erection.
I tried to fall asleep again, but I could not, the erection was still there. However, as soon as I stood up, it became much weaker. And even though it did not disappear entirely in the next 1-2 minutes, it was already half-soft. So, I do not know if there are some physiological issues in addition to psychological because it is almost impossible for me to remain erected even for 10 seconds when I stand if I do not stimulate my penis.
I already applied to bunch of companies, and even though I have not got any positive response yet, I can clearly see that I am on a positive track. I also continue with push-ups and squats. The problem I face is that I lack consistency and efficiency. Some days I am more or less productive, the other days I do not do anything at all. I would like to get up at 6AM and by midday already to finish more than 50% of my planned work for a day. In reality, at 12 I just finish my breakfast and get ready to start doing something. Of course, it is better than before, but still a long road lies ahead.
I achieved 20 days without PMO today. However, I just realized that it maybe not true. Because in one of social media websites, they publish movies and the users write there that at this exact time mark there are nude scenes. So, I watched a couple of these. And even though it is not porn, not even erotica, I could see there naked bodies of actresses. So, maybe I should not be telling that I have 20 days without PMO.
Today I had a dream where I was in a club with a girl who appeared to be a pornstar. And she wanted to film something new, and somehow I was in an underwear with the label of the pornsite which she represented. So, she started seducing me on the dancefloor and making moves with her body next to mine to make me ready for the act. I remember that even in the dream, I was afraid that I would not be able to sustain my erection. And the erection in the dream was not super good, but it was okay, and I thought that oh okay, I managed it. And I started having sex with her right on the dancefloor. Suddenly I woke up and realized that I was moving like if I had sex. I had super good erection.
I tried to fall asleep again, but I could not, the erection was still there. However, as soon as I stood up, it became much weaker. And even though it did not disappear entirely in the next 1-2 minutes, it was already half-soft. So, I do not know if there are some physiological issues in addition to psychological because it is almost impossible for me to remain erected even for 10 seconds when I stand if I do not stimulate my penis.
https://www.pivotalrecovery.org/ i did this and got little help of it. Pays something but still..@Orbiter @Freerider thank you men, your support gives me additional strength to move forward!
I already applied to bunch of companies, and even though I have not got any positive response yet, I can clearly see that I am on a positive track. I also continue with push-ups and squats. The problem I face is that I lack consistency and efficiency. Some days I am more or less productive, the other days I do not do anything at all. I would like to get up at 6AM and by midday already to finish more than 50% of my planned work for a day. In reality, at 12 I just finish my breakfast and get ready to start doing something. Of course, it is better than before, but still a long road lies ahead.
I achieved 20 days without PMO today. However, I just realized that it maybe not true. Because in one of social media websites, they publish movies and the users write there that at this exact time mark there are nude scenes. So, I watched a couple of these. And even though it is not porn, not even erotica, I could see there naked bodies of actresses. So, maybe I should not be telling that I have 20 days without PMO.
Today I had a dream where I was in a club with a girl who appeared to be a pornstar. And she wanted to film something new, and somehow I was in an underwear with the label of the pornsite which she represented. So, she started seducing me on the dancefloor and making moves with her body next to mine to make me ready for the act. I remember that even in the dream, I was afraid that I would not be able to sustain my erection. And the erection in the dream was not super good, but it was okay, and I thought that oh okay, I managed it. And I started having sex with her right on the dancefloor. Suddenly I woke up and realized that I was moving like if I had sex. I had super good erection.
I tried to fall asleep again, but I could not, the erection was still there. However, as soon as I stood up, it became much weaker. And even though it did not disappear entirely in the next 1-2 minutes, it was already half-soft. So, I do not know if there are some physiological issues in addition to psychological because it is almost impossible for me to remain erected even for 10 seconds when I stand if I do not stimulate my penis.
The losing erection standing or moving situation is a pretty standard PIED symptom I understand. Because of the desensitisation we require a constant level of novelty/stimulation to maintain it and it often is lost, particularly when we're in a position that we don't regularly PMO in.
I think when we get crazy dreams like this, it's a sign our sub-conscious is healing/working through all the things built up in it. Similar in a way to the dreams one gets after a bad break up, quitting smoking, gambling or something similar.
So once again, seems like there are promising signs all is going in the right direction at the moment and glad to hear you've been getting some stuff done re the job apps & physical fitness.
If I were to give any advice, I think it would be to be careful of setting arbitrary standards of what you should be doing like the 6AM thing. It seems noble to aim high but it often has the danger setting up a benchmark to fail by, then to give up, then to relapse back into old behaviours in turn. As long as you're doing things and you're giving yourself enough structure in the day to do them.
Great job keeping things on track and also great job on the 20 days!
I think when we get crazy dreams like this, it's a sign our sub-conscious is healing/working through all the things built up in it. Similar in a way to the dreams one gets after a bad break up, quitting smoking, gambling or something similar.
So once again, seems like there are promising signs all is going in the right direction at the moment and glad to hear you've been getting some stuff done re the job apps & physical fitness.
If I were to give any advice, I think it would be to be careful of setting arbitrary standards of what you should be doing like the 6AM thing. It seems noble to aim high but it often has the danger setting up a benchmark to fail by, then to give up, then to relapse back into old behaviours in turn. As long as you're doing things and you're giving yourself enough structure in the day to do them.
Great job keeping things on track and also great job on the 20 days!