I want the second chance for normal life

Hi to everyone who reads this journal post.
I am 31 years old and I suffer from erectile disfunction and premature ejaculation at the same time. I am upset and even though I am still relatively young, I do not have a strong desire to live because of the frustration related to sex. I attribute my sexual problems to both pornography and masturbation and think that these are the main causes of my problems.
My first familiarization with masturbation happened when I was 12 years old. Neighbor boys taught me how to do it, but I was reluctant to do it initially because of fear that I could be caught by parents doing it. In summer, though, I was left alone at home during days as there was no school and had nothing to do because I had neither books nor computer, and TV was broadcasting only a few channels. I memorized the lesson taught by the neighbor boys and tried it at the bathroom. At first, I did not like the feeling. But in two hours, I gave it another try. At that time, I did not have a mobile phone or a computer, and was masturbating imagining actresses of Holywood or looking at some erotic photos I could find in journals. I spent all summer masturbating to such photos or imaginary girls.
At that point, masturbation became the important part of my life. I did it daily, sometimes eight times a day, with the minimum of 2-3 times per day. I already did not care if someone was at home or not, I was addicted.
Very soon, my parents bought me a computer, and in couple years, I had an internet connection which would allow to watch porn online. I started to masturbate watching porn. I remember that I started to lose hair at the age of 16, and even though I am not sure if the frequent ejaculation is the reason for it, I started to draw some connections between the hair loss and frequent masturbation. However, I could not refuse completely and would definitely have relapses and start all over again and continue for a long time. My longest time without masturbation at that time was 19 days. I could not stand the temptation for any longer. And I would avoid porn for 10-15 days just to fall into a ditch of several months porn.
The only sex I had was with prostitutes at that time. I felt miserable and scared at the same time when I tried to speak to girls in the university or at the job. I had a lot of failures in my attempts to get acquainted with girls, but porn would never reject me. Therefore, instead of going out in weekends, I would sit at home and watch porn for several hours in a raw. I often refused to my friends to go out just with the sole purpose of watching porn. I remember that when I was new to porn, I was meticulously choosing porn for masturbation, and I could watch it for several hours just to find the 2 minute shot that I would like. In several years, I became very impatient and was not even waiting for erection when watching porn, but started to masturbate immediately. I started to watch hardcore and some freaky porn since ordinary porn would not stimulate me enough.
Eventually, I started to have problems with prostitutes, too. I could not achieve erection with them or would achieve it with big efforts and then I would ejaculate very quickly. I did not know what the reason was behind. I related it to the absence of kisses and prelude, and wanted to find a girlfriend in real life.
Couple of years ago, I had a girlfriend, and we tried to have sex several times, but I could not achieve erection. I used Viagra pills in the third time, but it did not help either. She dumped me.
I had relationships with other girls, but was afraid that I would fail in bed, and did not let it happen. They did not understand what was going on, and I was too ashamed to tell them that I had had ED since 22, and they also dumped me. After that, I had my longest period of "no porn" - 2 months and a half. During first several nights, I had dreams full of sex and had pollution every night, but in 10 days I lost erection at all. During this period, my sexual desire dropped a lot, but I was driven to porn again by my girlfriend at the time who saw it as a cure to my low libido.
Now I am in relationship with a woman I love, but still have the same problems in bed. We tried two times, but both of them were unsuccessful. Even though we love each other and do not want to concentrate on sex only, we cannot live a normal sexual life because of this issue.
I really hope that refusal from porn and masturbation will help me to have a normal sexual life. I am starting now my journey and hope that I will be more successful in it than previously.
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It's normal to lost total erection around day 10 of no PMO.
For weeks I had even a dead penis that looked like a mini worm. But now after 130+ days no PMO and +40 days hardmode (no M and even no O) I'm having MW everyday and can have erection through touching any time I want.
I'd suggest to talk with this woman you love, and you both inform yourselves about the process of reboot. Maybe you'll need 90 days of hardmode (no P, no M and even no O). But during this process you'll start to get healthy erections, and when it happens, you can rewire properly though real sex. To rewire your brain to a real woman instead of pixels.

I'm on this process and worst than the dead penis are the mood swings. But it's the only way to heal your brain. You can see my journal here: https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/20169/
It's normal to lost total erection around day 10 of no PMO.
For weeks I had even a dead penis that looked like a mini worm. But now after 130+ days no PMO and +40 days hardmode (no M and even no O) I'm having MW everyday and can have erection through touching any time I want.
I'd suggest to talk with this woman you love, and you both inform yourselves about the process of reboot. Maybe you'll need 90 days of hardmode (no P, no M and even no O). But during this process you'll start to get healthy erections, and when it happens, you can rewire properly though real sex. To rewire your brain to a real woman instead of pixels.

I'm on this process and worst than the dead penis are the mood swings. But it's the only way to heal your brain. You can see my journal here: https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/20169/
Thank you for the support, Casanova! I have read your post and commented it. It is great to have great guys like you to support each other and achieve our sustainable aim!
I have had several days (probably 9) already without pornography and masturbation, but I did not count. Therefore, for the ease of reporting, I will assume that today is the first day of life without PM. Thus, the maximum I can have is 240 days without PM till the end of the year, and I aim for it.
During the last days I had morning erection only once, and it was ~60%. It dropped as soon as I went to toilet. Also, when we had a physical contact with my partner, it was two times for the last nine days, I reached erection hardly both times after long hours in bed, and was ready to ejaculate as soon as my erection was achieved.
Now, I know that I will have a very difficult time, especially emotionally. With regards to my physical conditions: I do not do sports actively, but try to do at least some squats/push ups/pull ups at least two times per week. I almost do not use alcohol or cigarettes, try to eat healthy, and try to have at least 7 hours of sleep.
Going back to the maximum of 240 days till the end of the year, I understood that I cannot aim for long time without PM, like, I achieved 30 days, can give one day rest today. No. It does not work like that. If I fail, I probably will fail tomorrow again. And the day after tomorrow. The only reason I count days is just to make myself feel better about the progress.
I decided to say no to pornography and masturbation completely, and will probably avoid physical contact with my partner for a while at least (until I feel that I am ready). I will add some entries into this journal occasionally to track the progress.


Active Member
Good luck mate! We're here to support you.

Do you take supplements? I'm taking some fish oil, vitamin d since I'm deficient, and zinc and magnesium since they may help with erections.


You're taking good decisions for your healthy. If you could add a bit of sports everyday or even 20 minutes walking it would help a lot as well. Anyways, we are here to support. Stay strong, don't get too worried with the flatline symptoms you may face and even when the "dead penis" happens, keep in mind its temporary and part of the process. Doing everything right you'll be able to have healthy sex with your partner any time you want after the reboot/rewire process. Keep us posted!

Phineas 808

Staff member
Welcome, secondchance!

The good news for all of us here is that there is neuroplasticity, that the brain heals, changes itself, gives us hope that given enough time abstinent, you will reboot, you will rewire toward normal sex with real people.

Commit to this thing as if it were life-or-death, and it very well may be. But be very merciful and understanding to yourself if you stumble or lapse. Get up, and avoid binge sessions.

Enough time sayaing 'No' to your former habits and behaviors will give your brain the time it needs to reboot toward normal dopamine flows, and you'll find the libido and physical arousal you need to have a life of love and love-making with the love of your life.

You can do it!
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Good luck mate! We're here to support you.

Do you take supplements?
Thank you, Dannybou. No, I do not take them, but eat honey daily, and try to eat fruits/vegatables, too.

If you could add a bit of sports everyday or even 20 minutes walking it would help a lot as well. Anyways, we are here to support.
Thanks, casanova. I walk almost every day for an hour or more. I do not have a car, so usually I walk because the public transportation is not the best in the area where I live, at least during the pandemic.

But be very merciful and understanding to yourself if you stumble or lapse. Get up, and avoid binge sessions.
Enough time sayaing 'No' to your former habits and behaviors will give your brain the time it needs to reboot toward normal dopamine flows
Phineas 808, thanks for the support, mate! I think it is one of the problems that I faced because of P and M. Being highly self-critical, I felt bad about myself each time I did it, and it hit my self-esteem drammatically. After that, I was upset, depressed and feeling guilty for all disasters happening in the world. Now, I try to program my brain not with some thoughts as to reach the maximum possible time without PM, but that it destroys my normal life, and, if I lapse, I will lose all my progress and will have to start over again, thus, stealing my normal life from me. Is it something that I really want? Do I want another years of frustration and low quality life? I think this mental behavior can help me in achieving my goal, and the fact that I have low libido at the moment helps me to avoid watching porn. I hope that to the moment when the libido increases I will already have a habit of not watching it and will withstand the temptation.
About dopamine: I think one more problem that I faced was my addiction to video games. I read somewhere that people who overspend their time playing video games usually are dopamine addicted, and as I understand it is the similar problem to the one we struggle with. At the moment, I only have poker app on my phone, but I would like to reduce my time consumption with it, too.
Just wanted to share my thoughts on the progress...
Now I have 8 days of official no pornography and/or masturbation behind my shoulders and I noticed how difficult it becomes to sustain this progress as the time flies by. Initially I did not have any thoughts about sex and whatnot, but in last several days I consistently start thinking about sex, watching porn and can see how my fingers automatically start touching my body as if I am a puppet and someone pulls the threads to make me do certain things. The strange things is that this all process takes place without having erection, i.e. I am so used to this kind of behavior and my brain sufferred from porn so much that I do not even need to be sexually arosed to start doing those things! Although I was controlling my behavior to a certain extent and tried to direct these thoughts to imagination of a real sex scene without touching particular parts of my body, I do not judge this as any improvement to my condition. In contrast, I think it can lead to a lapse if I do not change anything about it. Currently, I can cope with it because I had recent failures in real sexual life, and do not want to repeat them consistently, but I am afraid that if I stop experiencing sex and failing again at it, or having these thoughts on a longer term, I will give up under this torture.
One thing that comes to my mind is that maybe I am not now into something, do not have a full-time job or any project that I need to concentrate on and, thus, my 'grown-up and already natural' behavior comes to play. Another thing is that as soon as I start doing anything productive, I cannot last more than 10 minutes, my concentration dissipates and I start thinking about irrelevant things. Also, when I go out for a walk, etc. I have a feeling of guilt that I could read a book/learn or study something, but instead I wasted time. For the last 3-4 days, I wanted to read professional books, but each time I had some distractions which were not really urgent but still kept me off my business. And I feel guilty about wasting time. So, do not see the clear path forward, but will try to improve the concentration.
Day 10.
There are good and bad news. Good news is that I had almost 100% strong MW, and usually it drops instantaneously as soon as I stand up, but today it just reduced to 70-80%. Even after I did the "toilet routine", it was in this condition for several seconds.
And now the bad news... I had an examination and it appeared that I have the bad condition of varicocele... I had some pain in my left testicle for the last several days, and I had suspicions on this, but did not think that the conditions are so bad. Most probably I will have a surgery as the doctors say that there are no conservative methods of treatment, especially at these stages. As of now, I will need to have spermogram test, and see how it affected me already. Even though I have had sedentary life, I did not put too much physical stress on my body, so I believe that this is the problem that appeared because of my hobby of onanism...
And I will have to masturbate twice to take spermogram analysis... One time because the period of abstinence before the spermogram needs to be not more than 7 days, and the second time for the analysis itself.
I am completely frustrated and even though I do not want to watch porn, I do not have the motivation that I had before.
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Day 12.
Today in the morning I was thinking about my girlfriend, imagined intimacy between us, and first time for a long time, I felt that my penis was starting to get harder. It only got harder 20%, but still I could not affect its size with imagination at all for a long time previously.
It cheers me up of course, but all my thoughts are now with my damaged veins. I read in the internet that it will not cure naturally even if I hold a diet and exercise regularly (without heavy loads). Also there is a lot of bad feedback about surgery. Thus I am stuck at the moment. I hope for the good results of the analysis, but doubt that because my sperm in the last 5-6 years seemed to me not similar to the one that I had in my youth years. I hope this is just pessimism. Will learn it in the next week...
And I will have to masturbate twice. Do not know what impact it will have on the progress that I've made so far...
Day 13.
Today I had intimacy with my gf. I was a bit more successful in getting erection this time (although way too far from perfect), but faced another problem. As my penis was becoming erected, and I was trying to start a process, it would become soft inside instantaneously. In addition to that, I edged just in 3-5 seconds for 3 times! I thought that the first time was linked to the long time of PMO abstinence, but then the other two happened and I understood that it is something different.
Back 2 years ago, I faced almost the same problem with one woman - I edged three times each just in under 10 seconds. I thought that it happened because of food poisoning as the next two weeks were a real nightmare for me because of stomach ache. After that event, I had sex couple times and it was much longer, so I forgot about this unsuccessful experience. Today, however, I remembered it again. I do not know if it can be correlated to porn or it is more to do with masturbation as I was masturbating for years even before my penis became erected. Maybe it is now used to the process, and that is why it happens in the real life, too.
So, the good news is that I will masturbate only once for my analysis. And the most important is that I have a great gf, who is very understanding and bears my current inability with big patience and care.

Many Thanks for Motivation! Yes, there is progress, although there is a very long way ahead. And I hope that I will be able to achieve the ultimate goal!


Active Member
Good luck mate! I came across something called the angion method on youtube while looking at ED issues. It helped me with erection quality a bit (provided I stay off the porn). Perhaps that can help as well.
Day 17
Today I went to the medical center and gave the analysis. They had a screen in the room with light porn on it. I masturbated and watched porn with the purpose of giving analysis, did not have any urges at all.
I was locked in a room, and noticed that my penis did not react anyhow to the porn. So I masturbated without waiting for it to arose. When I was close to ejaculation, my phone rang. I had a conversation, after which my penis died completely. So, I restarted the process and came even before it hardened. I received the analysis results, and they are disappointing. So, I will concentrate on a healthy lifestyle and try to at least get rid of problems gradually, one by one.
When I was in the room, I had a look at all the videos they had (not many, around 15), and chose the one which was the most hardcore. I understood that I still have a very long way to go as my addiction did not disappear. Also, I was thinking that the videos do not have sound, and that this is why I do not have sufficient stimulation. My monthly package on the phone was over, so I could not turn on my mobile internet and watch porn from my phone in the room, but I had such desire, I wanted to pick my favorite porn actresses and favorite movies... I was thinking that I am here anyway, and if I have to do it, so why not. Also, I was thinking that if the results are bad and I have to retest, the next time I will definitely have internet, airpods, and will enjoy my favorite videos... Anyway, I chose the video from what they had because of using all my internet before. However, I know for sure that I am on a thin ice sheet, and I need to be careful; otherwise, I am risking to relapse again.
So, since I masturbated and watched porn today, even though I had to do this, I count it as a relapse. In addition, I think that this experience could deteriorate my achieved progress. Therefore, tomorrow will be a new day.

@Dannybou thank you, mate. I will not do it now, but I will definitely get back to it when I feel better about my conditions.
Day 1
Today I was surfing the Internet with the purpose of finding any new information on ED and accidentally found an article on venous leak. I read it and became frightened. In the description of the patalogy I found many symptoms similar to mine and it bothers me a lot. The guy which the article was writing about ended up with two plastic pipes in his penis and this is something that I am scared of. At the moment I do not know whether I have PIED or VL but I really hope that it is PIED.
Plus, today I read some articles in the Internet about masturbation with a relaxed penis and that it causes ED. I did it a lot in recent years. I remember, even when I was really young, in my earlier 20s, and I was kissing my girlfriends, my penis was hardened, but not 100%, maybe 50%. And when my gf would touch it through my clothes, she would be surprised why it was not 100% hard. And I was surprised as well, but thought that it will rule out itself once I have a stable sex life. Now, when I have a hard penis, it only takes 5-10s for it to drop completely. Also, as soon as I my penis opens the gates of paradise, it dies as if it is a demon and angels do not let it there. Now I think that this is because of my masturbation with the relaxed penis, but do not know if I damaged it during the masturbation, as I was really wild and was pulling and squeezing it very hard. Additionally, when I look at my penis, it has many veins visible and I do not know whether it is the norm or something extraordinary.
I need to find a good urologist first and then see what they say about my condition. About my ability to get erected: it is bad both at porn and real sex. My penis is never hard 100%, only sometimes 3-5 seconds prior to ejaculation (but not always).
The day today passed with negative thoughts, I was thinking that I have no chances to recover, and had suicidal thoughts. I do not want to have a surgery, and I will of course agree to wait longer if required but I am scared of a surgery. No urges today. Did not want to speak to anyone including my gf. I want to break up with her because she does not deserve to go through all of this with me. She deserves better.


Active Member
That sucks friend. Keep at it. Focus on finding that urologist and getting help.

It's of course your decision, but it doesn't seem like you should take these types of decisions on your relationship when you're in a bad state of mind like now. Moreover, it's your gf's decision as to whether or not to be with you. I don't think you should pre-emptively decide who she should or should not have in her life.
Thank you, friends! @Dannybou @BridgeTri I was in an awful mood that day and luckily did not make any hasty decisions. I just was by my own and eventually calmed down.

I spoke to my doctor, he told me that he does not think that I would have venous leak, and even if I had it, there is no reason to cure it right now as I do not have a stable sexual life. We agreed to tackle the problems step by step, and the first thing is to attempt improving the results of spermogram.
I was thinking about my sexual experience that I have had recently, and initially I was not getting any erections, max 1 half-erection per meeting, even if we kissed for 5 hours in a raw. Gradually, I had several half-erections during our time together, even though I was not able to perform and sustain it for a prolonged time. So, there is a progress, not a complete recovery, but obviously I have made a progress so far.
So I decided to stay on a positive side, thank you for cheering me up, and luckily there are no additional diseases, only PIED, which I will win eventually.

P.S. I will reduce the quantity of my posts to once in a month, unless there are some really exciting news. Thank you for being with me, and I will be here on the website to motivate others, but will post less frequently to convey really important messages.
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June update (half-way through Day 29)

As I promised to reduce the frequency of posts to once per month, I will convey all events that occurred in June related to this topic in this message.
Since the beginning of the month, I have not made an extraordinary progress, but have several bullet points to talk about. This month, I faced several urges, especially in the last week. I caught myself on a thought that I was thinking about masturbation a lot, either with help of porn or without it. One time I even told myself that I would masturbate if my favourite porn star released a new HQ porn video (she is not filming very often and there have been no new movies for a while). I entered the popular porn website, and searched for her, trying not to keep the glaze on any pictures for long time and looking for new HD videos. Luckily, she is still in the shadow, and I closed the website. I do not know if it is counted as a relapse or not, but definitely this behavior was not among my noblest acts. After that, I had thoughts to masturbate again, and searched for my 2nd favorite pornstar, but there was silence for her as well. I think that this shift in my behavior happened due to the two reasons which I will cover in the next paragraphs.
Earlier this month, I had a trip with my male friends to the distant village, and I had not seen any woman for a week's time. Unfortunately, I could not sustain healthy sleep and diet there, too. Otherwise, I am certain, I would have far better progress than that today. As this week passed, I came back to my home town for 2 days, and I was like an unleashed rabid dog, I saw many women and my psychological desire was up to the limit. Even though I love my gf, I wanted to pick up several of these women because they seemed so seductive! I met my gf on the second day, and went back to the village for another week later the same day. Even though I did not have the same desire after coming back, I think that this time without seeing women for prolonged time provoked my will to masturbate. The second reason is that I played a video game after which I usually was masturbating in my youth (the game is not erotic, but it used to be my daily routine), and this pattern of behavior might also been provoked in my spoiled brain.
I had morning wood several times throught the month, but not 100% and not prolonged. Generally, I do not feel any burst of energy or mental activity. Everything seems to be on a flat line.
I had several sex attempts this month, and I cannot say precisely if I see any progress. One time, I was kissing my gf passionately while we were in bed, and even though my penis was not touching her, I ejaculated because of her moans. Did something like this happened to any of you?
The last two times, I was able to achieve more or less hard penis through physical stimulation, but it would drop very quickly either before penetraing or instantly after that. Even if not dropped, I was ejaculating in maximum 10 seconds, even during the 4th run for a day (the last time)! Have anyone faced the same problem with quick ejaculation and were you able to rectify this problem? If yes, how? Also, my penis and testicles were aching the last time, straight after the first ejaculation, I do not know whether I should have continued for the next three runs or not.
To sum up, it seems that I am on a flatline, and there is a long road ahead. I spent many years ruining my sex life, and now it is logical that I will need longer time to restore the system: I am still unable to achieve erection through imagination, only for a short time through kissing, etc. but it drops quickly, and then I need physical stimulation for prolonged time. Erection periods are extremely short, so is time before ejaculation. My energy levels are also continuously low.
I will try to concentrate on something positive throughout this time and start studying some new matters to distract my attention from the current situation with PIED. Will keep you posted with updates.