I am going to end 14 years long hidden nightmare

[Puggler]

Hello.
I have been rebooting for 324 days exactly. Ive been living in nightmare for 14 years and i didnt know about it. My story is one of the severe but im not going to write it as an initial post, right now its 06:14 am and i havent slept even a bit this night. Yes withdrawal symptom insomnia.
The idea i have just got is that I really want to sleep so much in my mind but but my body just doesnt want it how much I try. Sounds familiar right? Same as sex, my body will not respond to sex how much I try even if i want it in my mind. Now i get the Idea. Our bodies dont entirely belong to us. Its just a super suit which is sometimes under maintenance and malfunctioning.
Besides past 11 months of depression now I finally accept the fact that the process really needs long time and also I need to work hard to achieve my goal. Soon im going to increase fighting with 3 essential thing i hope to work
1. Sleep routine.
2. Fruits and healthy nutritions.
3. Workout.
I'm hoping I will win this battle because my happiness is up to this battle outcome. I win I become happy which ive never been past 27 years of life. I lose I will live in total hell whole my life because I will lose my dream.
Let this journal be one of the powerful guide to those who are struggling too hard.
I WILL WIN!

 

[Puggler]

Age 28
Masturbation since: age 9-10
Porn usage since: age 16
First time encountered with pied at 14 with overmasturbating
I recovered at age 22 when i accidentally quit porn for 5 months but got back to it and ruined my health again(2015)
got recovered from it again at age 25, used porn, ruined again(2018)
(the fact I didnt know about pied can make me look less stupid about it)
at the beginning of 2020 the ED pills worked really good but could get erection of 50% merely without it. after pmo binge of 1.5 months I went to a deep flatline an depression. depression was too severe, sometimes i could only breath and couldnt feel anything else.(around october to the end of december 2020)
I started hardmode reboot at the end of jan 2021. after 39 days this happened. so i was happy and after 39th day started ruining my progress with having karezza in every 2-3 days with my gf. for me karezza really ruined my progress. but i remember that day i could get erections with fantasy. i really thought i was cured. now im back to dead dick. I swear I felt much better erection when i first started having karezza.
Ive started reboot without porn normal mode on 6th July 2020
now - I ended the 3 month hardmode/karezza 3 weeks ago. 1 week ago I orgasmed too much and got back to flatline. today I tried ed pill and erections were not enough for penetration.
I plan for go either 6 month of hard mode or as long as it takes for me to get cured!!!

In conclusion I believe the only thing can help me is to even abstain from orgasm and karezza for a long time, to workout regularly and eat healthy,
also im going to learn new language. to boost neuroplasticity.
this process will be a total hell but I have to do it!
I've gained a mild weight recently so I'm going to lose 10 kilos.
I'm going to defeat this satan which stranded my life.

 

[Puggler]

Day 1
after 8 days of hard flatline I tried ed pills today. didn't get me hard enough to penetrate.

Day statistics:
Morning wood: no
Exercise: no
Sleep duration: 9 hours
Libido: 0/10
Mood: low

 

[Puggler]

Day 2

Day statistics:
Morning wood: no
Exercise: 2.5 km jogging
Sleep duration: 9 hours
Libido: 0/10
Mood: average

 

[Puggler]

Day 3

Day statistics:
Morning wood: slightly
Exercise: 30 min jogging + slight weights
Sleep duration: 08:20 hours
Libido: 1/10
Mood: average





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[Fappy]

it might be good not to focus too much on the libido yet at this early stage. why? well, because, your libido is fucked. give it time to heal, and any anxiety over worrying about it could slow you down and dampen your mood.

 

[Puggler]

Its been almost a year since i stopped watching the porn. Why do you think im on early stage? Otherwise you are right. Im really trying to heal myself fast. Im going on hardmode now

 

[Puggler]

Day 5

Day statistics:
Morning wood: 70% hardness
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 07:51
Libido: 1/10
Mood: average

 

[Puggler]

Day 10

Day statistics:
Morning wood: mildly hard
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 08:25
Libido: 1/10
Mood: below average

I feel penis more full and bit more sensitive when lying down. Blood is definitely circulating. I dont feel coldness and shrinkage

 

[Puggler]

Day 13

Day statistics:
Morning wood: 0
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 08:00
Libido: 1/10
Mood: average

I touched myself and just had hard random boner, hardness would be like 80% for 10 minutes. Today when i hugged and kissed my gf i had slight erection maybe 15%.

Last harmode gave me libido of 7/10 on the 39th day. Lets see whathappens now

 

[Puggler]

Day 14

Day statistics:
Morning wood: mildly hard
Exercise: 8 km
Sleep duration: 07:25
Libido: 1/10
Mood: depressed. High anxiety

I fantasized about blowjob and got 30% hard for couple of minutes

 

[Puggler]

Day 15

Day statistics:
Morning wood: no
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 07:36
Libido: 1/10
Mood: below average

Fantasized about bj got hard 30% for couple of minutes

I guess my recovery of libido starts from 2 week every time i go on hard mode

 

[Puggler]

Day 16

Day statistics:
Morning wood: no
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 08:53
Libido: 1/10
Mood: below average

I had hard erection when i started kissing my gf whil lying down for a brief time but it faded away soon.

 

[Puggler]

Day 17

Day statistics:
Morning wood: no, slight
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 08:47
Libido: 1/10
Mood: strongly depressed

I realized today after fighting my hard life of 27 years I won in many things, the only thing in front of me which restrains me from being super happy is PIED. Im really super depressed. I could be happiest ever in my life. I have girlfriend, when I see her she is a real angel to me. Most beautiful, smart and awesome. What have I done? It feels like my inner child whod been fighting for 20 years to be happy will never forgive me. This is my last step to b happy but i dont knoe how to defeat it and save my life. Same throughts every day that it feels like i will never get cured. How long should i wait more. I have to ressist. Is it permanent? Nobody can save me now. I miss music, I miss feeling that everything is alright. I miss my true self. I want my dream come true and stay with my gf forever.

 

[Mb]

don't lose hope bro,believe me things will get better for us.

 

[Puggler]

Day 18

Day statistics:
Morning wood: no, slight
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 07:27
Libido: 1/10
Mood: mildly depressed

 

[Puggler]

Day 20

Day statistics:
Morning wood: average morning wood
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 08:22
Libido: 1/10
Mood: slightly depressed

I touched myself today while lying down. I got 90% hardness random boner laster 20 minutes while touching

 

[Puggler]

Day 21

Day statistics:
Morning wood: average morning wood
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 08:41
Libido: 1/10
Mood: average

Penis sensitivity increases day by day. It looks fuller and less cold. Past 2 days i could get random boner with just touching or fantasizing. Today I cant. (non-gradual recovery)

 

[Puggler]

Day 22

Day statistics:
Morning wood: slight MW
Exercise: 4 km/30 minutes
Sleep duration: 05:10
Libido: 1.5/10
Mood: average

Today I definitely felt a bit more libido. After workout i laid down in my bed and touched myself, i got 90% hardness bonner for 50 minutes. It was hard when even i didnt think about it. To imagine I was talking on phone and didnt even think about stimulating it. This sickness is the weirdest sickness ever!

 

[Puggler]

Day 23

Day statistics:
Morning wood: slight MW
Exercise: 0
Sleep duration: 09:18
Libido: 1.5/10
Mood: average

Hardmode definitelly helps getting your penis more sensitive. I feel its fuller and im less depressed but, i will be still depressed unless i will have successful sex with my gf. Its eating my brain. I need sex desperately, even if its with pills, i dont care. The point is i need to feel that Im on the right track to stay with my gf for life.