Reforging myself. Trying to be a man I admire

[Hamnad]

I’m on day 1
I was on day 83 in last December, hesitated masterbating and everytime I was closer to porn.

I learned from that mistake, only problem I never had a chance to be in that position again.
I regret it, I threw away a perfect life, but here I’m, trying to do it again, I have the good thoughts, but I don’t have “energy” flowing through them. And by journaling here, and doing some necessary steps I will try to make it happen.

My first phase is 10 days, working mostly on recovery, with some basic productivity and active life style
I will focus on journaling and watching reforged man course of Mark Queppet, I might need an accountability partner as well.

Phase 2 is from 10-90 and I have to focus more on replacing habits, but also an eye on recovery

phase 2 is not strictly set, I might go back to phase 1 for some days during phase 2, if the cravings were intense.

 

[Hamnad]

Yeah exactly! Also I have to be little worried as well, sometimes I feel reaching 83 days might be a “cushion” for me to slow the progress, to feel like I have did it once, I can do it whenever I can, but in fact it’s really hard, and there are lots of step to go through to reach to that point.
Thank you! And good luck as well.

 

[Hamnad]

I’m writing today another journal, I’m on day 2, everything is quiet but it might get tense the next coming days.
I would like to talk about How PMO could affect my life, and how rebooting is gonna change it.

I’m 21 years old, a medical student, I always lived a cerebral life, didn’t do many things in real life, I’m always good academically, but I’m not at my peak yet.

Being hooked on PMO would affect my life, would hit my productivity, I always remember how I can’t put an hour of studying to the day after relapsing.

also, not just productivity, I might manage to be decent student, but I need to do more in life, I want to be social, and I want to know places and planning to learn how to drive, and I know from my experience, that after relapsing I always tend to hide!

My confidence level as well takes a hit, I’m a religous guy, and I always think that PMO is haram, so when I relapse, I have a split mind, and that’s not a recepie for a life full of confidence.
Rebooting is not the goal for me, it’s a mean to reach a life full of potential, I can use the extra motivation to feel confident, level up my academic level and be good at non-academic things as well.
I know it’s easier said than done, I know the next craving might make me doubtful about all of what I said, but saying them, would make me more likely to remember those facts at the time of craving, which might increase the chances of saying NO to it.

I am planning to write more tonight.

 

[96LostWanderer]

Learning to drive is a great idea. I did my lessons, failed my test three times before passing on the fourth and then got a car. It’s great to be able to drive off somewhere when you’re bored. A lot better than watching porn.

 

[Hamnad]

Another 21 year-old on this site who doesn't have a driver's liscense? It felt like I was the only one. It's a good self-improvement goal for sure

Yeah mate! I’m kinda relieved as well hahaha!
It’s really one of the major insecurities I have in my life, I want to drive and go places, I don’t think it’s really necessary for my life at the moment, but on the long run, I might have a family and kids, and I really want to make their life easier by learning this skill! Anyway I’m yet to work on it, I might do it next year, now totally focused on Rebooting, one big thing at a time!

 

[Hamnad]

Learning to drive is a great idea. I did my lessons, failed my test three times before passing on the fourth and then got a car. It’s great to be able to drive off somewhere when you’re bored. A lot better than watching porn.

Yeah it’s much better!
It’s really inspiring to hear your story, I’m bad at directions and roads, I mean I don’t drive yet I get how difficult it could be for parking and finding a parking spot in a new place!

So now if I tried to learn, I don’t have to be a perfectionist and have everything right from the first try, that’s an extra fear kinda relieved

 

[Hamnad]

I want to write something, that I feel is necessary for my first week. I really have to follow this advice.
I might undergo a mood swing these days, I might feel the craving, and I might feel uncomfortable when I say no to it.


The problem is that I want to be perfectionist, I want me not to feel any craving, and if so I want to get rid of it in the next moment, and that’s not always possible.

I mean it could be possible sometimes, especially if you had put the right work and self talk everyday. But majority of us can’t do that consistently.

When I feel little uncomfortable, I might surrender to porn, that’s not the mentality that I want.

I want the mentality of: Okay, I know it sucks, I know you’re uncomfortable now and maybe for the next hour, but porn is no longer a choice.

It’s by embracing the discomfort I can heal those addictive habits, so after all, maybe the most perfectionist thing that I want to look for, is to be okay with thsoe moments, because they’re the only correct path for healing.

 

[canguro]

Hey man and welcome to the forum!
I think it doesn't work to just embrace the discomfort and I think that's rather dangerous as you let your cravings go on. I think it's better to search smth that helps you to get rid of them, maybe go out running so you have to concentrate on smth other. What helps me very much is reading in the forum and especially the partners section to see how others, non-addicted people, partners see us and what P does to us and that gives me back the determination to continue and then urges disapear at their own.

Anyhow, I wish you strength for your journey!
(Somehow I can't make an emoji here, so just think of a flexed bizeps)

 

[Hamnad]

Hey man and welcome to the forum!
I think it doesn't work to just embrace the discomfort and I think that's rather dangerous as you let your cravings go on. I think it's better to search smth that helps you to get rid of them, maybe go out running so you have to concentrate on smth other. What helps me very much is reading in the forum and especially the partners section to see how others, non-addicted people, partners see us and what P does to us and that gives me back the determination to continue and then urges disapear at their own.

Anyhow, I wish you strength for your journey!
(Somehow I can't make an emoji here, so just think of a flexed bizeps)

yeah exactly, I shouldn’t be willing to life in pain, I should try to minimize pain as much as possible, but there will be some pain no? I have to deal with the remaining.
Good advice, thank you mate.

 

[Hamnad]

Day 3

I didn’t have hard time during the past days, maybe I’m doing the right steps.

Anyway, I want to journal about something..
My life always feels a mess when I’m using porn, while I think my friends are doing a good job even though they’re using it.

This sometimes makes me feel like I’m not good enough, and believe it or not, it could be an ingredient for insecurity based pmo session!

There are several flaws that I want to point out.

I don’t have an access to their private lifes, they might be more messy than me, I still show up and people might think I’m doing great while I’m not, it could be basically the same for then.

Also, This is great news! I shouldn’t feel down about it, this means that my body doesn’t like this life, doesn’t want to weighted down by such intesnse dopamin filled activities.

I should think about it as an extra motivation, another reason to leave this life behind me.

 

[Hamnad]

Great thoughts Rachie and SuccessIsBreath. Really appreciate reading the journal and sharing your thoughts with me

 

[Hamnad]

I saw a video for Mark Queppet and he talks about planning for the future to avoid relapse

planning was at many levels

Level 1- scanning the day to look for the times you tend to relapse

Level 2 - Unique challenges
is what you do after specific challenege, I tend to relapse like after a big event, no matter it was successful or not.. or maybe after an exhausting day

For now I want to focus on the the level one, and will journal about level 2 when I have something unique in my day (mostly Tuesday after a football match I care about lol)

For now I’m day 3. It’s the day I relapsed the most during my relapsing carrer

Mostly it goes like this:
I allow myself to be “easy going” with things I see on social media, I allow myself to be triggered easily, then It’s friday and holdiay, as the evening approaches, I would have holded cravings that I don’t have the mentality to deal with.

So first thing today. I will have a plan!
I will do something productive (yet not very consuming) for the evening.
If I had a craving, I will not fight with it, I will not try to be okay right away, I will just RELAX and detach myself from it, look at it with “Zoomed out” mode.
I will feed myself the facts that porn is no longer a choice, it makes my life worse, and doing it one more time makes me closer to that miserable life.
I will then reach out for something I enjoy, and safe.
I will sit with my family, I might watch an educational video on YT, maybe journaling, or anything lite and takes my mind away from the craving.

Would I still be okay? Sure. I will not miss anything by not acting on it.


LET’S REACH 4 CLEAN!

 

[Hamnad]

I’m on day 4 guys!
Day 3 is successfully completed, aka one of the most frequent day to relapse!

I think this planning thing works, and has another positive effect as well.

when you scan your day for weak points and stick to the the plan, you will feel good!
normal days I’d feel withdrawal symptoms, but doing this provides me with an extra source of motivation, extra -even though less than porn- source of dopamin.

Anyway, I will do the same for today, there’s a potential weakness at noontime, I have to be ready for it.

 

[Hamnad]

I’m almost ending day 4 clean, I’m in bed and sleepy.

I want to point out a pattern I have seen in myself today, if I ignored it, it will escalate.

I’m paying attention to cleavage, or maybe I’m searching for it, sometimes I create it (lol!)

Had that in things I saw on social media and tv today, watched a tennis match and it was summer in NY, what do you expect?

Do I really want to pursue cleavage in every girl? then okay I did, what’s next? I will not have anything but urges and craving (and creepy if it was real life lol)

I’m stronger than this, I know that this is the addiction circuits trying desperately to make me hooked again, today I could have point it out, which would me less hooked, and maybe, thankfully, that’s a tiny portion of that addictive circuit dead now.

I was annoyed by myself, I did feel like it was not a perfect day, but now after journaling and pointing things out, I feel like much better, I feel like I have win a battle, although there are many to come.

 

[Hamnad]

Yesterday after that journal I relapsed, felt disappointed, I mean I had the right ideas, but the “energy” that flows in those ideas wasn’t there.
I’m day 1 again. Will try to repeat the process, this time with more “energy” based approach
I will learn to RELAX, Saying No, Sharpen my energy & affirm myself. These are separate modules in reforged man course that I will focus for the next 4 days.

 

[Hamnad]

Maybe my streak got back to zero, but the steps that I’m doing in my life and the habit replacement thing is still ongoing, no matter what they’ll everntually win.

 

[Hamnad]

Day 2
Things are calm, I need to remind myself of working more on the recovery and not to leave everything for the time.

 

[Hamnad]

Happens to us all man. But I believe the more you dedicate yourself to making the necessary changes the sooner you’ll find success on this journey. You mentioned in your original post that you’re a religious guy - I am as well. I only got to be on the streak I’m currently on (15+ days) after a 40 hour period of fasting, coupled with prayer. Might be worth a shot if you haven’t tried it.

Yeah mate religion would help, that spiritual aspect would get me clean for many days as well, great advice.

 

[Hamnad]

I’m on day 3

Yesterday I had cravings, decided to relax, change scene, pee and wash my face.
Then got back to watch a random video of Mark Queppet, and everything went fine.

I need to stick to this basic plan for the week, until I become stronger.

Today I have a weakness late in night, there will be a football match for my national team, and we’re expected to lose, so I need to be okay with that, after the match I will detach, change scene and watch a video about NoFap, Mark Queppet mostly.

 

[Hamnad]

Day 4
Yesterday I had cravings, I was able to overcome them, I used the “energy” stuff I needed.

I was able to think rationally, but that wasn’t enough last time.
Instead I relaxed, had couple of breaths in and out, and asked God to help me.

then I said NO.. yeah as simple as that, I said today I will sleep clean, will not even think about it, everything else will not be neglected, but out of my control center for today, I will deal with them later.

and believe it or not, that was very successful, I was relieved, before I was not comfortable with the idea of “potential relapse” lurking in my unconscious, and that will eventually lead me to relapse, but yesterday I kicked that out with my assertivness, no means no!
Then it was the right time to tell my self the rational things, of why my life is better without it, and how it affects me etc.

My national team lost 3-0 as expected, that might provided to the urge, i was aware of it, but didn’t plan what should I do after the match, that was the only mistake in that postive day, but I guess I have now 2 great tools to deal with urges, RELAX/NO & pre planning. I will try to not overuse them until I find another one.