The path to a fresh life

[Gigili]

This is my second thread in this forum.

I am a 33 Y/O and married. I was addicted to P as long as I can remember. Last year I started a streak that lasted 90 days but I relapsed. I had to work from home at that time and staying home alone for long hours was a huge trigger that I could not avoid. I was/am struggling with depression as well.

Anyways, let's start fresh. Today I am on my day of 25 of no PMO. I have removed as much triggers as I could. Since my phone was my hugest trigger, I went ahead and bought a simple phone without internet. Two weeks of using it, I feel it was absolutely the right decision.

Fighting PMO and depression together is not easy. Some days I feel like crap. I have neither motivation nor energy to move out of bed. I feel lack of dopamine in my system intensifies the depression.

Anyways, here I am doing my best. Lets see what happens.

 

[canguro]

Hey man and welcome =)
The good thing about dopamine and depression is, that p lowers your baseline of dopamine (even further) and abstaining from p will increase your baseline and should help with the depression, too! At least for me it really helps, I'm basically depression-free since weeks. I have severe depression since 15 years with only 2 without, so quitting P is pretty powerful right now!
But you have to get out of that lack of motivation! Don't only quit porn, but try find smth filling instead that gives you motivation.
Do you work out? Sport is in my opinion the most powerful tool, because at least in the beginning you can make very fast progress and see results which let's you stick to it. =)

 

[Gigili]

Hey man and welcome =)
The good thing about dopamine and depression is, that p lowers your baseline of dopamine (even further) and abstaining from p will increase your baseline and should help with the depression, too! At least for me it really helps, I'm basically depression-free since weeks. I have severe depression since 15 years with only 2 without, so quitting P is pretty powerful right now!
But you have to get out of that lack of motivation! Don't only quit porn, but try find smth filling instead that gives you motivation.
Do you work out? Sport is in my opinion the most powerful tool, because at least in the beginning you can make very fast progress and see results which let's you stick to it. =)

Hello Canguro. Thank you tor replying; I really appreciate it. Yes, battling depression and P at the same time is like battling two evils at the same time. It is't that easy. Some mornings I have very little energy to get out of bed and it is a trigger by itself.

I have started going to the gym twice a week. I have never been consistent at working out but this time I am determined to not abandon it after some time. Twice a week might not be much but I prefer to go twice and be consistent rather than going 5 times for a week or two and then abandon it altogether. How would you describe the benefits? I am yet to see anything.

 

[Gigili]

Days of no PMO: 38
Overall I am not doing bad. The depression is still there although I feel a bit better these days. I have urges and P dreams which is to be expected. I am trying to make small changes in my lifestyle. I keep the changes small because I am afraid if I start big, I will fail and abandon it altogether. We had an elliptical machine in our home which was gathering dust; so I started exercising for 6 minutes each morning. I am also going to the gym twice a week.

My mood is all over the place. One day I feel kind of energetic and another day I feel so lethargic. Sometimes I feel calm other times I feel anxious and irritable. I don't know how long it takes to recover but based my previous experience, 90 days is not enough. I think it might take way more than that for the brain to recover. I don't know what to expect though. I don't know whether I am going to feel less depressed, less tired or more motivated after getting rid of it as the online resources claim. I hope it to be true.

 

[Gigili]

Today I am not feeling well. When I feel down and depressed, I think this bad mood will last forever. I think I am condemned to always feel bad. I feel there is no escape. I cannot sleep well at nights. Heavy dreaming and nightmares so I feel sleepy and tired.

I am not sure whether it is depression or P withdrawals or if these two are related to each other. I read in the book "Dopamine Nation" that it will take 4 weeks for the effects of addiction to go away. Having passed my 4th week, I don't know how much longer I need to wait to feel better. Maybe I am pessimistic today, I don't know. I hate depression more than anything. I really do.

 

[Gigili]

Days of no PMO: 53
I know that I don't write in this journal daily but I don't want to abandon writing altogether. I usually write when I don't feel well. I think this reflection process is helpful.
It's interesting that the days that I feel down, I think it will never end, I will never feel better. This is what depression makes me believe. And it is hard to convince myself that the blues won't last forever. There are days that I feel relatively well.
Anyways, I am still on my streak. I have reached day 53. I can say that the best thing that I did was getting rid of my smart phone. Even when I was not watching P, I was constantly checking news sites, Facebook marketplace, refreshing to see what is new. This was the search was novelty of course. My anxiety has reduced as well since I got rid of the phone.
I have urges and sometimes they are strong.

Right now, these are the things I do:
Exercise for 6 minutes every day on the elliptical machine
Cold showers every morning
Gym 2 days a week
Practicing mindfulness

Still feel mostly bored and tired during the days and feel unmotivated at work.