The Porn Takeoff
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Takeoff
Member
Yes, that is true, it always leads down the slippery slope.
Right now, I'm not. I used to work out everyday during my most successful periods, I am aware of it being important. Lately it's been hard to stay consistent. I will start journaling again as keeping track of things & revising the day definitely helps to stay consistent. I was also thinking of pursuing a certain martial art, I know this would be very good as well.
I will post updates in this thread too.
Thank you!
Right now, I'm not. I used to work out everyday during my most successful periods, I am aware of it being important. Lately it's been hard to stay consistent. I will start journaling again as keeping track of things & revising the day definitely helps to stay consistent. I was also thinking of pursuing a certain martial art, I know this would be very good as well.
I will post updates in this thread too.
Thank you!
Takeoff
Member
So, since my last post this is how it's been going: day 1 went all good, no pmo, no p exposure. The first thing I did after waking up that morning was doing some push-ups. then day 2 was p exposure triggered by seeing a word that might be used in a sexual way, this is seriously sad, it seems impossible to avoid some triggers and dealing with them is sometimes very difficult. this led to pmo. yesterday was great, all day I felt good without one thought about P, however, I stayed up until late night and that was a trigger too and led to pmo.
Anyway, I am glad that I am increasing my social interactions as I've been isolated most of the time since the big relapse. Also, the PMO sessions, when they happen, are not long, not edging, which I also see as some kind of an improvement.
So I count today as Day 0.
Anyway, I am glad that I am increasing my social interactions as I've been isolated most of the time since the big relapse. Also, the PMO sessions, when they happen, are not long, not edging, which I also see as some kind of an improvement.
So I count today as Day 0.
Takeoff
Member
Definitely, I came here to say just this. Since my last post no PMO. Today I've been very tempted at times, but, instead of doing what I used to do in such situations during the last couple of months (simply giving in freely or pretending I'm not going to do it yet doing things in order to get closer and closer to it) I simply watched the urges and let them go. I felt tempted and instead of going for it I simply closed the browser and went for a shower.
It's only Day 3, but taking into account what's been going on recently, such moves feel very empowering. I can feel the momentum growing and I feel that this is the time.
Takeoff
Member
so it was going quite well, but I had dreams about P two days in a row. It felt bad. I've had P dreams now and then during my most pathetic times and also during the greatest streaks, yet never two days in a row.
Add loneliness and being tired, probably spending too much time inside, and the result - PMO. feels bad because of the desensitization, its the first time after the beginning of the whole relapse that I didn't even get a full erection. feeling really pathetic, but I can make it.
I feel that my power in resisting the temptations is improving slowly. I wanna prove to myself that I can make this year even better than the last one. It's still possible. Day 0
Add loneliness and being tired, probably spending too much time inside, and the result - PMO. feels bad because of the desensitization, its the first time after the beginning of the whole relapse that I didn't even get a full erection. feeling really pathetic, but I can make it.
I feel that my power in resisting the temptations is improving slowly. I wanna prove to myself that I can make this year even better than the last one. It's still possible. Day 0
Takeoff
Member
Day 5
This post might contain some triggers, so please beware.
I've been experiencing some cravings today, but I resisted.
My body, screaming for the high, attempts to push me into what most of you guys probably know well and that is thinking 'one little peek won't hurt'. Yet I know that if I had a peek even at the most vanila type pornography imaginable, in less than a minute I'd be looking for real hardcore stuff.
I haven't mentioned this before: after the big relapse last year, and after I was 'enjoying' the 'normal' type of pornography (nothing shocking, at that time it felt as if I was one of these people who somehow manage to use pornography casually and not get hooked), I took the wrong turn and it very quickly escalated. It escalated so badly that I got into this extreme type of pornography, the sissy stuff.
Nothing ever got me higher, it gave me such a high that I felt like a tweaker. Today I have read some posts on the forum from other guys who were into this, and it made me very sad that some people got so badly into it that they actually hurt their bodies permanently just to feed the 'fetish'. And some also got into crossdressing. This also shows how strongly pornography can tweak the brain, how dangerous it can be.
I have never experienced that and I never got into this in such a way that I'd give in to the exposure completely, there was always some resistance and I think I saved myself with this resistance. I simply used it because it gave an insane high, and because of this, it also causes the strongest cravings. Very terrible. I'm very glad that I made the decision to leave this disgusting addiction behind, really.
Observing my thoughts and dreams I can feel that my brain is very confused now, but that is a part of the healing process. And I can also feel that I'm healing already, very proud of myself making these everyday decisions to not use and resisting the cravings.
This post might contain some triggers, so please beware.
I've been experiencing some cravings today, but I resisted.
My body, screaming for the high, attempts to push me into what most of you guys probably know well and that is thinking 'one little peek won't hurt'. Yet I know that if I had a peek even at the most vanila type pornography imaginable, in less than a minute I'd be looking for real hardcore stuff.
I haven't mentioned this before: after the big relapse last year, and after I was 'enjoying' the 'normal' type of pornography (nothing shocking, at that time it felt as if I was one of these people who somehow manage to use pornography casually and not get hooked), I took the wrong turn and it very quickly escalated. It escalated so badly that I got into this extreme type of pornography, the sissy stuff.
Nothing ever got me higher, it gave me such a high that I felt like a tweaker. Today I have read some posts on the forum from other guys who were into this, and it made me very sad that some people got so badly into it that they actually hurt their bodies permanently just to feed the 'fetish'. And some also got into crossdressing. This also shows how strongly pornography can tweak the brain, how dangerous it can be.
I have never experienced that and I never got into this in such a way that I'd give in to the exposure completely, there was always some resistance and I think I saved myself with this resistance. I simply used it because it gave an insane high, and because of this, it also causes the strongest cravings. Very terrible. I'm very glad that I made the decision to leave this disgusting addiction behind, really.
Observing my thoughts and dreams I can feel that my brain is very confused now, but that is a part of the healing process. And I can also feel that I'm healing already, very proud of myself making these everyday decisions to not use and resisting the cravings.
Takeoff
Member
I got to Day 10 and it turned into Day 0. PMO. On Day 8 there was P exposure, which was triggered by.. eating ice cream.
Though it might sound like a weird trigger, concentrated calories and high amounts of sugar can cause big cravings for me. I eat such foods very rarely, but this happens often when I do so. It feels like such foods (easily accessible, high amounts of concentrated calories) act on the brain in a somewhat similar manner to P.
Now it's Day 2. Going strong.
Though it might sound like a weird trigger, concentrated calories and high amounts of sugar can cause big cravings for me. I eat such foods very rarely, but this happens often when I do so. It feels like such foods (easily accessible, high amounts of concentrated calories) act on the brain in a somewhat similar manner to P.
Now it's Day 2. Going strong.
Yes, junk food can certainly be a trigger. Anything that gets your dopamine roiling can leave you with cravings afterward.
Daily meditation helps strengthen your executive control and make you less impulsive. So it, and daily exercise (which has its own neurochemical benefits), are good ways to vax yourself against the effects of an occasional indulgence. It all gets easier as your brain balance improves.
Daily meditation helps strengthen your executive control and make you less impulsive. So it, and daily exercise (which has its own neurochemical benefits), are good ways to vax yourself against the effects of an occasional indulgence. It all gets easier as your brain balance improves.
Takeoff
Member
This will be a really long one, I think this is really needed.
So yesterday I dived into my mind and it made me have an awesome mindset, I felt that it was from that time really easy and I am deeply changed.
Throughout the morning this persisted, I was very keen to read some books, do a lot of productive things I wanted to do, but soon after waking I had to participate in all the mandatory everyday occupations and my mindset was pretty much ruined, I was annoyed, saddened. I couldn't take care of what I really wanted to do and felt like it would bring great benefit, also a long-lasting one.
Do i have to go on? A couple hours later into the day, PMO. Day 0.
I got this idea to have a look at all my diary entries and similar notes from around the period when all was incredibly awesome (most of the last year as I explained before). for now being in such a good state is like an abstraction. anyway, the purpose of this idea was to remind myself what good things I would do on a daily basis back then which I don't really do now. But it led me to more than that.
I found some entries from the very beginning of 2022 and it turns out I wasn't really well during that time too,
However, situation changed. I definitely feel shame now. And I think I do indeed become socially isolated, if I felt good and didn't have the symptoms connected to P addiction I would be more socially active, definitely. I think this gets the worst during long-lasting exposure/binges.
not sure why this changed, but at the time of writing that 2022 post I was still nowhere as deep back into the addiction as now, my last long streak was the one that lasted for 30-something days. i think the levels of delta fos-b were much lower back then.
Anyway, I also wrote this:
Also, among the entries and posts I found that it's happened countless times that I said with serious certainty that 'this is the day' etc. and shortly after there was a slip or a relapse.
Also, same as back then, I reached the point when pretty much everything is sexualized by the brain. I experienced this twice, once in 2021, once in 2022, though it was during PAWS. And similarly as then, I fantasize about all the stuff intensely.
Yet aside from looking at the similarities, I also looked at all the positive things that helped which I don't really do consistenly now. Not going to share all but I will mention some:
Firstly, just spending time with myself. For example writing down random stuff that came to my mind.
Secondly, regular exercise and all noted down, progress tracked.
Thirdly, if there was P exposure, I just closed the stuff, noted the incident, sometimes thought deeper about why it happened and it didn't move me much. I kept going strong and never went into PMO.
Fourthly, as I got it going for good, I kept it that way. Didn't give in. Spent my time and energy on doing good and productive things for the most part.
Fifthly, absolutely avoided junk food. There was no way for some sweets to trigger me (as described in previous post) because I avoided them altogether, no exceptions. When I broke this rule at last I never got back to it, though it happens very rarely.
Sixthly, I really just took my time to do stuff. I didn't hurry much, right now I feel like I'm in a constant rush (this is at least partially connected to P-related anxiety amplification).
Most importantly, I didn't give up, when there were even major slip ups I got myself up from the ground and kept going. Tracked my progress.
And I posted here, at least until I really felt good. Now that I think of it maybe I should've kept posting even then and the major relapse wouldn't have happened.
I even found that even during my wonderful time last year there was a slip up, even though I believed nothing like that happened because I didn't feel negative effects, I honestly don't even remember this situation. So this shows there is no need to dramatize about a slip during a really good streak, it just did not matter as I kept going. Don't really have anything noted about how it happened but there is a sudden break in the entries and the counter is reset (this was the end of the 120+ day streak).
Anyway, I'm glad I looked at what worked back then and I'll adjust my actions accordingly. I'll keep you guys updated.
So yesterday I dived into my mind and it made me have an awesome mindset, I felt that it was from that time really easy and I am deeply changed.
Throughout the morning this persisted, I was very keen to read some books, do a lot of productive things I wanted to do, but soon after waking I had to participate in all the mandatory everyday occupations and my mindset was pretty much ruined, I was annoyed, saddened. I couldn't take care of what I really wanted to do and felt like it would bring great benefit, also a long-lasting one.
Do i have to go on? A couple hours later into the day, PMO. Day 0.
I got this idea to have a look at all my diary entries and similar notes from around the period when all was incredibly awesome (most of the last year as I explained before). for now being in such a good state is like an abstraction. anyway, the purpose of this idea was to remind myself what good things I would do on a daily basis back then which I don't really do now. But it led me to more than that.
I found some entries from the very beginning of 2022 and it turns out I wasn't really well during that time too,
This is from the first months of 2022. I remember myself writing these posts when looking at them and yes, it really was like this back then.
However, situation changed. I definitely feel shame now. And I think I do indeed become socially isolated, if I felt good and didn't have the symptoms connected to P addiction I would be more socially active, definitely. I think this gets the worst during long-lasting exposure/binges.
not sure why this changed, but at the time of writing that 2022 post I was still nowhere as deep back into the addiction as now, my last long streak was the one that lasted for 30-something days. i think the levels of delta fos-b were much lower back then.
Anyway, I also wrote this:
And I think this is still very true, though I have such high libido now (this is ofc amplified by the active addiction and exposure, but also because of MO) that it's been extremely hard to stay on hardmode. Sometimes if I MO I manage to avoid cravings for the rest of the day. But sometimes it makes it even harder. Therefore I will now do all it takes to stay on hardmode. All of my good streaks were with mostly (1 exception I found, but very early into the streak) 0 MO and O only with a partner.
Also, among the entries and posts I found that it's happened countless times that I said with serious certainty that 'this is the day' etc. and shortly after there was a slip or a relapse.
Also, same as back then, I reached the point when pretty much everything is sexualized by the brain. I experienced this twice, once in 2021, once in 2022, though it was during PAWS. And similarly as then, I fantasize about all the stuff intensely.
Yet aside from looking at the similarities, I also looked at all the positive things that helped which I don't really do consistenly now. Not going to share all but I will mention some:
Firstly, just spending time with myself. For example writing down random stuff that came to my mind.
Secondly, regular exercise and all noted down, progress tracked.
Thirdly, if there was P exposure, I just closed the stuff, noted the incident, sometimes thought deeper about why it happened and it didn't move me much. I kept going strong and never went into PMO.
Fourthly, as I got it going for good, I kept it that way. Didn't give in. Spent my time and energy on doing good and productive things for the most part.
Fifthly, absolutely avoided junk food. There was no way for some sweets to trigger me (as described in previous post) because I avoided them altogether, no exceptions. When I broke this rule at last I never got back to it, though it happens very rarely.
Sixthly, I really just took my time to do stuff. I didn't hurry much, right now I feel like I'm in a constant rush (this is at least partially connected to P-related anxiety amplification).
Most importantly, I didn't give up, when there were even major slip ups I got myself up from the ground and kept going. Tracked my progress.
And I posted here, at least until I really felt good. Now that I think of it maybe I should've kept posting even then and the major relapse wouldn't have happened.
I even found that even during my wonderful time last year there was a slip up, even though I believed nothing like that happened because I didn't feel negative effects, I honestly don't even remember this situation. So this shows there is no need to dramatize about a slip during a really good streak, it just did not matter as I kept going. Don't really have anything noted about how it happened but there is a sudden break in the entries and the counter is reset (this was the end of the 120+ day streak).
Anyway, I'm glad I looked at what worked back then and I'll adjust my actions accordingly. I'll keep you guys updated.
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Everyone's different. But keep in mind that with an addiction, using tends to give temporary relief...and then make cravings more demanding. Don't confuse cravings that are a product of an addiction to stimulation with true libido...which can only be recognized when your brain is sustainably back in balance. Chart your course accordingly.
Takeoff
Member
Thanks, this part changed the way I see it. I thought of these as existing simultaneously. Well, I'd say they do, but now that I think of it, it's probably impossible to soberly differ between them when the brain is in a not very balanced state and craves stimulation.
Takeoff
Member
Awesome guys, today since I've been more chill and the last days were relatively good and I'm in a better state, I decided to MO which I used to check how badly the symptoms of addiction came back after the big relapse. PIED came back. with 0 fantasy, 0 pornography in the head, I got like an 80% erection. As weird as this may sound, I'm glad. I empirically discovered that PIED can come back if you got back into addiction, even just months after a temporary successful rebooting and rewiring process, despite being out of it for a while. Of course i've heard of this possibility from other people a lot of times but it's different than experiencing it myself.
This simply opened my eyes. It now takes no effort to not think about pornography, and it is very easy to just laugh at the cravings.
This simply opened my eyes. It now takes no effort to not think about pornography, and it is very easy to just laugh at the cravings.