Amor Fati (Recovery Journal)

Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Set the intention and no MO this morning! Intending to keep momentum going.

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Read this today and it spoke to my soul...

Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and believes his own lies comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices, all from continual lying to others and to himself.
- Fyodor Dostoyevsky
 
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MarshDweller05

MarshDweller05

Member
Jswizzle said:
Set the intention and no MO this morning! Intending to keep momentum going.

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Read this today and it spoke to my soul...

Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and believes his own lies comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices, all from continual lying to others and to himself.
- Fyodor Dostoyevsky
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That quote says it so well. I still can feel the impulse to lie, to ignore the TRUTH, to bhave like an animal.

I want to quit lying to myself and others! sometimes it feels like a longhost, but slowly to good transformation is taking place. Keep it up and thanks this inspired me, and its cool that even really famous authros like Dostoyevsky knew the nature of this battle
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
MarshDweller05 said:
That quote says it so well. I still can feel the impulse to lie, to ignore the TRUTH, to bhave like an animal.

I want to quit lying to myself and others! sometimes it feels like a longhost, but slowly to good transformation is taking place. Keep it up and thanks this inspired me, and its cool that even really famous authros like Dostoyevsky knew the nature of this battle
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I can honestly say this is my biggest character defect that drives all my addictive behavior. Pornography is not my only addictive problem that I strive to better myself on. I'm glad you found this helpful.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Friday, February 11th 2022
Day 55 no porn
No MO end of day one.

It's been a good day today. Grateful for the time I have to spend with my daughter. My wife worked most of the day. Most things in my life are going well right now and I'm grateful for that.
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DAY TWENTY-THREE No More Mr Nice Guy Journal
THINK ABUNDANCE
Do you believe there isn’t enough for you or do you believe in abundance?
I definitely relate to the idea of there’s not enough abundance for me in this world. I feel like I delude myself through moral justification or maybe intellectualize by telling myself, “It’s okay, I’m a minimalist.” However, I cling to items that people give me as I find them sentimental. Even items from childhood or my teenage years. I endeavor to not to hold onto useless items, but it takes me years to donate them, throw them away, or give them away. Not to the point to where I hoard material things, but to the point I just have enough.
I grew up in a “blue collar” household where I had what I needed, but it came at a cost. My mother and father would fight a lot over finances to the point where my mother would be abused. She was so irresponsible with money, but most of the time it was to give my sibling and I what we needed.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Saturday, February 12 2022
Day 56 no porn
Day 2 no MO

It has been a good day. Quiet. My daughter, wife, and myself are all feeling sick. Could be covid. Who the hell knows? I've had it 4-5 times already. My wife and I snuck off into my office earlier for a quickie why my daughter was watching a movie. It was nice. Things worked the way they're supposed to.

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DAY TWENTY-FOUR No More Mr Nice Guy Journal
FACE DIFFICULT SITUATIONS AND CONFLICT HEAD ON
How do you typically handle conflict?
I have been aware of this for a long time and have been working on it for years. However, I need a lot more work because I still don’t handle conflict well. I avoid it, overcompensate through putting more effort in, or don’t speak how I feel and my feelings come out passive aggressively. This occurs usually through being irritable and using sarcasm which leads to bigger conflict.
It’s not so much this way anymore in my business and work relationships as I’ve gotten more direct. However, it’s still a problem in my interpersonal relationships especially with my wife. I will usually express how I feel directly, but if I don’t feel it’s resolved I will continue to make passive aggressive comments which leads to more arguments.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Sunday, February 13 2022
Day 57 no porn
Day 3 no MO

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DAY TWENTY-FIVE No More Mr Nice Guy Journal
DON’T DO ANYTHING IN SECRET
What do you fear would happen if others knew your secrets?
I’m grateful for this forum as it offers anonymity and allows me to have a safe environment to express myself. First, I feel that if my wife knew the depth of my pornography use it would essentially lead to the end of our relationship. I feel it’s appropriate to address with her that I’ve had problems with pornography use in the past and that I’m currently working on it. Secondly, due to my profession, I'm afraid I would lose credibility among my colleagues and clients that I serve. It’s much easier to admit to people that I’ve struggle with substance abuse in the past then it is to address with others issues with sexual addiction.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Monday, February 14th 2022
Day 58 no porn
Slipped this morning with MO

I had a rough night last night and didn't sleep well. MO due to tiredness. Tomorrow is a new day.
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DAY TWENTY-SIX No More Mr Nice Guy Journal
DO IT NOW
What is something you are procrastinating? Do you think you may fear success?
I think that there are multiple things that I procrastinate. One, I procrastinate going to the gym and exercising. Two, I have been procrastinating adding a fuel additive to preserve a 50 gallon drum of unleaded gasoline sitting in my garage. I either need to do this or I need to start using the fuel in my vehicles. Three, I’ve been procrastinating going to the doctor as I have had a cold over last week that I haven’t went to the doctor for.
In regard to fear of success, yes, I think I have an internal fear of the aversive side of success. One reason for this is that I feel like my plate is already full in regards to my work life and my personal life. It seems that I don't necessarily want more success as it would mean more personal responsibility and to be frank, I am tired. I am so blessed to have my four year old daughter, but because she is an only child she requires so much of my attention. I feel tremendous responsibility to continuously engage with her throughout the day and I don’t take the time necessary to recharge my batteries. Secondly, I work with people all day and by the end of the day my emotional reservoir is completely tapped. My job isn't so much physically demanding as much as it is emotionally and psychologically taxing. It is such a reprieve at the end of the day to spend some time playing video games or watching TV. Simply veg out.
I want to confront procrastination. One thing the author mentions in the No More Mr Nice Guy Journal is that motivation follows action and not vice versa. Therefore tomorrow I plan on making an appointment to an urgent care to be able to get some antibiotics. Next week I want to start exercising again as I have some equipment in my house. I also have a gym pass I haven’t used but pay for. It’s time to start taking action then stop making excuses.
 
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Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
60 days porn free! Nice job man. I think it's amazing how fast the days can rack up, when you're just focused on living and doing life. You're really hitting that book hard and writing with some real honesty, which I think is great! I too have struggled with procrastination in the past, and still do at the moment, though it is considerably better than it used to be. At lest, speaking for myself, the biggest reason for my procrastination, is that I often use it for an excuse, so as to let me off the "hook" if I fail at something. Which sucks to say, but it's the truth. With my school for instance, it's almost easier to not give it my best, so then, when the going gets tough, I can blame it on the teacher, hard class etc., instead of taking responsibility for my grade. It's totally fucked up, but it's true. Because if I give it my all, and still wind up short in the end, then I would have to face the truth about this or that, and emotionally, that's hard to handle, at least for me.

But luckily, this is an older habit that is slowly dying, improvement is a day to day battle! Keep it up man, you're really doing great!
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Wednesday, February 16 2022
Day 60 no porn
Day 2 no MO

I'm grateful for all the support I've received in my journey so far.

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DAY TWENTY-SEVEN No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

HAVE FUN–IF YOU ARE NOT HAVING FUN SOMETHING IS WRONG

Name three things you can do to have more fun in your life.

- I can start going to the gym and playing basketball.

- take the initiative and plan more dates to go on with my wife. Go karts, laser tag, escape rooms, etc.

-I could go to more heavy metal shows or comedy clubs once in awhile.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Thursday, February 17th 2022
Day 61 no porn
Day 3 no MO

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Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Friday, February 18th 2022
Day 62 no porn


Slipped with MO early this morning. Tomorrow is a new day. Made it 3 days. Want to work on being more disciplined to achieve a week.

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DAY TWENTY-EIGHT No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

BE WILLING TO LET GO OF WHAT YOU HAVE SO YOU CAN GET WHAT YOU WANT

"The hard truth is that Nice Guys are afraid of losing what they have, even if it’s less than satisfying. They stay trapped in mediocrity at the cost of their own personal freedom. I’ve worked with so many men who stay in jobs that steal their souls, who remain in toxic relationships and who pour money, time, and resources into things that do not serve them. These men accept the crumbs of life because they are afraid of letting go."

What do you need to let go of so that you can move forward?

I think I need to manage my time better. I value exercise. Specifically weight lifting. However, I seem to utilize hours of work to earn more money out of a feeling of obligation than I do to work out. I think prioritizing my time around weight lifting is a worthy endavor.

I have been putting off working out for a long time. At least 6 or 7 months as I keep making excuses to not work out.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Saturday, February 19th 2022
Day 63 no porn

After I posted last night, I slipped again with MO prior to going to bed. Justified it because I had slipped the morning before. Not going to beat myself up.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Sunday, February 20th 2022
Day 64 no porn
Day 1 no MO

Haven't been meditating this past week. Going to make sure I'm going to do it tonight before bed. Been pretty irritable today. Short with my wife. She has been injured and seems particularly dependent on me. I don't mind helping her out, but damn...seems to be one thing after another.

Lately it has been difficult to resist masturbation either late at night or early in the morning. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with a pretty solid erection (often in the early morning too) and I have been caving in to temptation. I don't look at porn, but fantasize different sexual encounters.

I want to prove to myself I can go 90 days without MO. I know factually this will only solidify my recovery from pornography because I want to get my dopamine levels reset to "natural."

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DAY TWENTY-NINE No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

GIVE YOURSELF ROOM TO FAIL – THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, ONLY LEARNING EXPERIENCES

Do you tend to ruminate about your failures and mistakes? How does this help you?

I feel like I've gotten much better about not ruminating on past failures and mistakes. I still struggle sometimes though. When I ruminate on past failures or mistakes I live in shame and that only hurts me. I feel pretty successful within many aspects of my life. I have used the " I'm inadequate, not worthwhile, or less than" narrative which has pushed me thus far in my life. When I constantly believe I am that underdog, I'm driven to do well.
However, it's also made me afraid to take risks.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Monday, February 21st 2022
Day 65 no porn
Day 2 no MO

Work has kept me busy throughout the day. Missed my wife and daughter, but feeling peaceful as I'm home now. Tempted to MO last night, but didn't. Wife and I became sexual, but I wasn't able to get an erection. Focused on pleasuring her and she was able to "O", so I wasn't drowning in shame. Wanted to MO after the experience, but as mentioned before I didn't. Wanting to stick to my resolve to not MO.

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DAY THIRTY No More Mr Nice Guy Journal

CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION – LET GO – LET LIFE HAPPEN

In what ways do you find yourself trying to control things?

I have known I've had control issues for a long time and have been working on them for years as part of recovery from other addictions.

Part of my emo before was to use dishonesty, fabrication, and lying in an attempt to "control" other people's perception of me.

I'm striving to live authentically. I want to be honest and ultimately accept I cannot control people's perceptions of me and truly be okay with it.
 
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Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Tuesday, February 22nd 2022
Day 66 no porn
Day 3 no MO

My heart is weighing heavy today with so much turmoil with the state of the world. There is so much sadness and hardship. There are many things as well going on in my personal life. My wife is having health problems and experiencing problems in one of her feet limiting her mobility. She is still choosing to work despite this. My wife's siblings who are older are also experiencing pretty severe health problems related to heart conditions. I can't help living in a state of fear right now. I'm trying to be optimistic and strong but I'm finding it pretty difficult. I'm taking pride in my streak of not viewing pornography for as long as I have. Finding the reboot Nation has truly given me hope and something to do to focus on a sustained recovery.
It has been 3 days since my last MO. Seems the three or four day mark has been my sticking point thus far in attempting to abstain from masturbation. However I'm still motivated and going to take it a day to time.

With my heart being so heavy I want to focus on my spirituality. I don't know if I believe in God and cannot say with 100% commitment that I'm a believer. I drift through periods of time where I'm atheist and then I go through times where I'm agnostic believing in a Higher Force than myself that exists in the universe.

"God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey man. I'm sorry to hear about your wife's health problems. Life is not always a circus (or maybe it is?), and it's times like these when it can really test our resolve, at least speaking for myself.

You are doing great, and I wish you and your wife the best.
 
Jswizzle

Jswizzle

Active Member
Blondie said:
Hey man. I'm sorry to hear about your wife's health problems. Life is not always a circus (or maybe it is?), and it's times like these when it can really test our resolve, at least speaking for myself.

You are doing great, and I wish you and your wife the best.
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Blondie,

Thank you for the kind words. Hope you are doing well. I feel like my resolve is still strong. Pornography will only compound my life in the long run. Pornography is not an option today. Thank you for your support brother.
 
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