36, PIED, new plan

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logicprox

Well-Known Member
52 days.

I had it easy for a while. Honestly for the past month or so my urges have been so minimal that I honestly started to believe it was over. I got cocky. The last two nights I guess the addiction has decided to fight back a little.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night again, and started to M again. It didn't last long before I stopped. But then, for the first time in a long time, I had a real, strong urge to look at P. It's been so long I had forgotten what it feels like and how to shut it down immediately. I got out of my bed, walked to my phone in the kitchen, and googled something. What I googled was a search term that I was pretty sure would turn up non nude, non sex images, but images meant to titillate. But my brain was sort of hoping I was wrong, that I would have that one image come up that would be nude and give me the excuse to go for it. Fortunately that did not happen. I scrolled for maybe 10-15 seconds, clicked into one or two images on google that obviously didn't satisfy the P urge and then came to the decision point.

I've been in this movie before. The scene where I decide whether to alter my search term to get to the real porn came. It's the same scene that has broken many many of my streaks (none so long as this one) in the past.

I closed the browser, set down my phone, and went back to bed. I am glad I made the right decision but I'm going to be honest, the last two nights have scared the hell out of me.

I need to figure out why my sleep was gone bad the last couple of nights. I have some theories. But more importantly, the last two nights were warning shots that it's not over yet. I got overconfident. I forgot some of what got me here.

Fundamentally, what helped me get here was remembering the following:

Porn only relieves the symptoms it creates
Porn gives me nothing but takes everything
Porn does not give me what I want, an actual women with me
I don't have to do what my brain tells me to do

All of that is just as true as when I was dealing with strong urges in the last few weeks, it's just easy to forget about when things are going well. I remember now.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Good job staying strong. Yes, being overconfident has got me many of time. It's a balancing act to be on the one hand, happy about your progress, and to be proud of it, but at the same time, not get too sure of yourself! Great job on turning away from the Google search. How many times have I been there, doing the same thing, to not have been so strong! 52 days is a great accomplishment, but it's still pretty close to ground zero. At least for me, it took a good few months of being away from porn to have those random thoughts start to minimize. I still get them, but it is getting better. Hang in there man, you are really are doing great.
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
Blondie said:
Good job staying strong. Yes, being overconfident has got me many of time. It's a balancing act to be on the one hand, happy about your progress, and to be proud of it, but at the same time, not get too sure of yourself! Great job on turning away from the Google search. How many times have I been there, doing the same thing, to not have been so strong! 52 days is a great accomplishment, but it's still pretty close to ground zero. At least for me, it took a good few months of being away from porn to have those random thoughts start to minimize. I still get them, but it is getting better. Hang in there man, you are really are doing great.
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I really appreciate the support. Yeah, I need to get more realistic about this. There is no question things have gotten better, but an addiction almost 10 years in the making isn't going to completely go away in 50 days, and all it takes is one bad decision to start backsliding. On the other hand, it only takes one good decision, at a time, in individual moments, to never go back.
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
53 days.

I am feeling better after those last couple of scary nights. Slept great last night. In a way I think those two nights were good for me because now I have gotten woken up and renewed my focus and dedication to ending PMO, almost like starting again except with a slightly less addicted brain than I had before.

Porn gives me nothing and takes everything.
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
55 days.

I've been getting a little looser on my use of TV/YouTube, not watching it for long stretches but watching it during most meals instead of reading like I had been doing. I also let myself indulge and play a video game for a couple hours each of the last couple of days. Nothing inherently wrong with those things but 1) They're all supernormal dopamine stimuli, which I believe activate similar pathways to porn and could lead to a relapse if I continue to let myself indulge more and 2) I have bigger dreams and these things waste time and won't get me there.

So today I am recommitting to using my time wisely and staying off the supernormal stimuli. I uninstalled the game I was playing and Steam. I'm also going back to reading during meals.
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
57 days.

Found myself not rejecting fantasy as quickly laying in bed the last couple of nights. Why? It certainly doesn't make any sense. Despite that fantasy, there I was, not with the girl in my head. Refocusing on cutting fantasy.
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
58 days.

Another middle of the night wake up and play the google game situation. I stopped myself and went back to bed again but I do not like these at all. It's especially frustrating because I go all day every day with no issue whatsoever but then I wake up and my pre-frontal cortex doesn't seem to be firing yet and I start doing stupid things.

If anyone has any tips on how to avoid that, hit me up.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey man. I don't think I've even had that particular situation before, waking up and starting something before my brain has completely started (do you mean searching for porn?). Great job though on stopping! Obviously your brain did turn on before it was too late, so that's a good thing.

I assume you were using your phone with the google searching? Maybe at night, have your phone on the other side of the room, or even better, in another room entirely. Either way, you would have to get up and walk somewhere before googling anything, giving your pre-frontal cortex a chance to fire up.

I hope this helps.

Stay strong, you're killing it!
 
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Deleted member 27008

Guest
"Either way, you would have to get up and walk somewhere before googling anything, giving your pre-frontal cortex a chance to fire up."👍🏼👍🏼

I'm having the same problem. It didn't happen in this series, but that was my main reason for relapses in my previous series. My brain was waking up early and attacking dreams. The solution suggested by the blonde makes sense. at least on days when urges are high it may be good to put the phone within walking distance. It's good to even get out of bed for a while. Muscle memory builds up in bed. Mind goes straight to imagination and p
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
I appreciate it guys. Unfortunately I already have it in another room lol, put it out there near the beginning of this streak because waking up to use PMO has always been a problem for me.

And yeah my phone for google searching. Having to walk to another roomI think helps, cause it slowed things down and gave me more time to come to my senses, but my brain is real dumb inn the middle of the night lol.

What worries me, and I sort of felt it last night, is if I had stopped playing games with my google search and gotten to actual porn before I came to my senses, I'm not sure once I saw it I would have had the ability to put it down. I have to come to my senses before I get to the actual porn.

I might just turn my phone off and use a non phone alarm, so I would have to wait for my phone to boot up too. Thinking of other things I can do to make it harder and basically just buy time for my brain to wake up.
 
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Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Turning off the phone sounds like it might be a good idea. I like how you're trying to do everything within your power and control to give yourself a little extra time. Beautiful.

Nice job on 59 days.
 
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