Porn is not an option
- Thread starter Blondie
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Good stuff man, below 200lb! Also just back from vacation so saw your other posts -- I feel you on the urges, they come and go and it's frustrating but it's magical when you realize the urges become weaker and weaker over time. Until you get to the point where they're like 10% of what they used to be at the peak. One day I'm sure even that will go down to nothing if you keep at it. Keep it up man!
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 109
198.3lb.
21.2 % body fat
Speaking of urges, they are a very real thing at the moment. Damn, I haven't felt this way sense I blew it. I know this is what happens when I'm about to get past a goal line, in this case, four months clean, but it always surpises me that I could even entertian the thought. I would put the temptation on a 7/10 scale, especially last night. I'm really stressed at the moment with school and trying to figure out what I'm going to do next after I graduate, so none of this is crazy. I've done the whole 90 day thing quite a few times over the last ten years or so, but anything past 120 days is considerably less, and my body and brain both know this truth and are testing my fortitude.
You're right, the further you get out the better and more peace your life has.
On a more positve note, I haven't been this weight since before Christmas, so that puts a smile on my face. I can't wait to see 20%.
198.3lb.
21.2 % body fat
Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles, I appreciate it.
Speaking of urges, they are a very real thing at the moment. Damn, I haven't felt this way sense I blew it. I know this is what happens when I'm about to get past a goal line, in this case, four months clean, but it always surpises me that I could even entertian the thought. I would put the temptation on a 7/10 scale, especially last night. I'm really stressed at the moment with school and trying to figure out what I'm going to do next after I graduate, so none of this is crazy. I've done the whole 90 day thing quite a few times over the last ten years or so, but anything past 120 days is considerably less, and my body and brain both know this truth and are testing my fortitude.
You're right, the further you get out the better and more peace your life has.
On a more positve note, I haven't been this weight since before Christmas, so that puts a smile on my face. I can't wait to see 20%.
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Keep at it my friend, even though you're making great progress there are the occasional random spikes that make you wonder where all that progress went....but it's certainly happened! In another week or two or whatever, you'll be back to not feeling such urges again. You got this
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 110
198.7lb.
21.3% body fat
Best
198.7lb.
21.3% body fat
Thanks you @First_step_thousand_miles. Yesterday was alreadly much better than the day before. Ten more days to four months. I can do this!
Best
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Blondie
Respected Member
Day 112
199.2
21.4% body fat
Yesterday marked six years of giving this addiction hell. I actually didn't think about this fact until sometime in the afternoon when ironically enough, I was being tempted again. Damn, it's a humbling fact to acknowledge I've been fighting this bastard for six years and yet I'm still dealing with urges. Of course, these urges are a product of my actions not even four months ago, and thus, would probably not even exist at this time if I had stayed the course last fall. But that's neither here nor there considering I can't change what happened but can only move forward at this point. I must confess that I looked at a few ads but that was it and then turned it off. I literally had to force myself to think long term and just admit how bad it would feel to have to tell my Lady again if I happened to give in at that moment. The sad and scary part is that in that moment (in that trance?) I almost didn't care. Damn that pisses me off to even have to write that but it's true. I ALMOST DIDN'T CARE. Of course, I'm stressed out like crazy right now so none of this should be surprising to me. I don't think I've ever been this stressed in my life so it's only natural that my body and brain would wish to go back to what feels "familiar" to me, even if it's not good for me.
I know I'm prone to having existential crises from time to time and yesterday I was definitely having one. I wish I could just believe in something more than Porn is NOT an Option but I simply can't. Of course this leads to narcissism which I know I can fall into sometimes, where everything is a joke and can never be taken seriously. Think of modern politics and the cluster fuck that that is. Why even engage in it? It's in complete and utter shambles (on both sides) and "getting into it" will not fix our problems, certainly not mine. Furthermore, although I have no problem with believing in "god or gods" I simply can't believe in any of the human created versions of him, especially Christianity. I don't have a problem with anyone believing in Christianity but it simply makes no sense to me personally and does absolutely nothing for me. Thus, I feel it's easy for me to be tossed about on the waves of our culture and "feelings" which is problematic to say the least. I also think religion can be used as a crutch for people too, where they can makes many excuses, especially when it comes to this addiction, so that doesn't help me either.
What is a man to do? I don't know the answer to that, but one thing is sure, going back to that filth is not the answer to the riddle.
I'm still clean and I WILL be as I approach four months. This I CAN believe in.
Blondie
199.2
21.4% body fat
Yesterday marked six years of giving this addiction hell. I actually didn't think about this fact until sometime in the afternoon when ironically enough, I was being tempted again. Damn, it's a humbling fact to acknowledge I've been fighting this bastard for six years and yet I'm still dealing with urges. Of course, these urges are a product of my actions not even four months ago, and thus, would probably not even exist at this time if I had stayed the course last fall. But that's neither here nor there considering I can't change what happened but can only move forward at this point. I must confess that I looked at a few ads but that was it and then turned it off. I literally had to force myself to think long term and just admit how bad it would feel to have to tell my Lady again if I happened to give in at that moment. The sad and scary part is that in that moment (in that trance?) I almost didn't care. Damn that pisses me off to even have to write that but it's true. I ALMOST DIDN'T CARE. Of course, I'm stressed out like crazy right now so none of this should be surprising to me. I don't think I've ever been this stressed in my life so it's only natural that my body and brain would wish to go back to what feels "familiar" to me, even if it's not good for me.
I know I'm prone to having existential crises from time to time and yesterday I was definitely having one. I wish I could just believe in something more than Porn is NOT an Option but I simply can't. Of course this leads to narcissism which I know I can fall into sometimes, where everything is a joke and can never be taken seriously. Think of modern politics and the cluster fuck that that is. Why even engage in it? It's in complete and utter shambles (on both sides) and "getting into it" will not fix our problems, certainly not mine. Furthermore, although I have no problem with believing in "god or gods" I simply can't believe in any of the human created versions of him, especially Christianity. I don't have a problem with anyone believing in Christianity but it simply makes no sense to me personally and does absolutely nothing for me. Thus, I feel it's easy for me to be tossed about on the waves of our culture and "feelings" which is problematic to say the least. I also think religion can be used as a crutch for people too, where they can makes many excuses, especially when it comes to this addiction, so that doesn't help me either.
What is a man to do? I don't know the answer to that, but one thing is sure, going back to that filth is not the answer to the riddle.
I'm still clean and I WILL be as I approach four months. This I CAN believe in.
Blondie
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GBS
Respected Member
Mate, I don’t know if it helps but I totally understand your frame of mind when you say to yourself “I almost don’t care”. It’s the tipping point where the frontal cortex of the brain is being swept aside by the reptilian lower brain (or so I understand), and recognising that moment as you did is pretty much the most crucial and wonderful thing. So you got close to the edge but you didn’t jump. Not jumping was the amazing thing. Getting close to the edge was not good, uncontrollable as it was, but the ultimate resistance outdoes the bad bit in spades. Look at it that way.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 113
198.3lb.
21.3% body fat
Dear Lord, keep my awake form that terrible dream, amen.
Upwards and onwards.
198.3lb.
21.3% body fat
Thanks @GBS. Yes it's the damndest thing, and it's something I've come to terms with over this last six months even since the big relapse. You don't realize how healed your brain was until you go back to it again after two years. At that time the urges were practically non existent and starting back here again with this insane mind of random urges is something that takes a while to get used to. It is what it is and the only way out is forward. Deep in the moment, having that comparison point to reflect on can really help you stay the course, at least it did this time around because I could tell myself this is NOT reality this is NOT what you really want. It's such a humbling experience to admit but it's the truth, it's like being in a Voodoo trance. Yesterday after all that temptation the day before, I felt utterly nothing again, I saw the same ad and just moved on with my bearings in tact. The trance was gone. I had returned to normal. I had woken up from the terrible dream.
Dear Lord, keep my awake form that terrible dream, amen.
Upwards and onwards.
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
My man, that's the scary thing with an addiction (or dopamine wired brain, however you want to think about it). There's a great book called Thinking Fast and Slow. We have 2 brains basically, our super primal brain that demand food / sex / sleep / dopamine / etc (which developed first) and then later came our more reasoning brain. When we've conditioned ourselves to this crap, sometimes the first brain takes over (which is why you mention the 'I almost didn't care') -- don't get me wrong, it sucks but I wouldn't beat yourself up over it because it's kind of how our brains were designed. That's not to say we can't override it (that's the point of the reboot!) but that too will die down.
I get some of these urges once in a while too and it feels like I don't care in the moment, but once I reassert my will and reasoning comes back I'm like WTF, never doing that shit. And the good news is the urges are not present in my life like 95-98% of the time and even at that few % they are around, they are far weaker than when I first started. So keep on trucking my friend!
I've read a lot of material in recent years (Tony Robbins, Mark Manson, Zig Ziglar) and I think about the times when I felt most happy with my life -- there's only 1 answer it's pointed me towards (I'm simplifying a bit, but it's critical). PROGRESS. That's what makes us happy -- so believe in that! Aim for progress in all areas of your life. I know quitting porn is one, weight loss is another good one you've added on, what else? Keep multiple balls in the air and push forward on them all - even when some aren't going at the pace you want, others are and that keeps you motivated to holistically improve. Love you man, keep it up
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 115
197.9lb.
21.1% body fat
Just random thoughts from the sidelines of our modern dissolution.
As always thank you for your input my friend.
Five days away from four months clean.
Stay clean folks.
197.9lb.
21.1% body fat
Thanks for this @First_step_thousand_miles. I'll have to check that book out. Yes it's a scary thought when you feel that "uncontrollable" pull to do something that your higher self would rather not, but, the further we get away from this habit the lower that "lower drive" becomes. To put in bluntly, we are our deeds. When we walk in the gutter, our thoughts will likewise be in the gutter, and vice versa.
This is true, and I'm definitely heading in that direction on a daily basis. As you know, I'm a big believer in progress and I'm always improving myself, and I can see myself doing that till my last breath. However, at the end of the day, especially when it's quiet and I stop for a moment to reflect, there's always that beckoning to ask the big questions that I have yet to find an answer to. Maybe I'll never know (and there's joy in that too) but sometimes I want more than just "progress" in my life, I want a philosophy OF life that I can believe in and LIVE by.
Just random thoughts from the sidelines of our modern dissolution.
As always thank you for your input my friend.
Five days away from four months clean.
Stay clean folks.