Today I wanted to write about some of how I am feeling. Since quitting PMO and MO , and learning more about the science of the addiction, and the nature of the PMO, I have noticed that I have a pain/anxiety in my heart and stomach that I typically use PMO to soothe. As part of PMO I can also just see how fantasizing about sex, women, etc. is another method to soothe. But not only this, neurologically there is a connection that has been forged here. If this makes any sense, I can feel how I use fantasizing about women, and subseqeuntly PMO to soothe this pain. OR, on the other hand maybe hyper stimulation from fantasy and PMO has caused this pain. In one sense it doesn;t really matter, bottom line is its time to unwire the fantasy, MO, PMO. However I do think there is probably some personal emotional issues here, whether it be pain from something in my family, or just my personal struggle with high anxiety, which I know I have a strong disposition for.
What I am getting to is that one, I can now see what is going on. I know I need to break the connection between this anxiety pain and fantasy. Here too I noticed the "forbidden fruit" aspect. In particular when feeling these things I get these forbidden sexual urge to fantasize, look at women, etc. This forbidden fruit aspect I know is wrong and hurts, but it is a pleasure/pain thing I believe. I am writing just to get this out of my body.
Some ways I think can help is to write and share, so if anyone has any thoughts let me know about anxiety pains etc.
I am looking to rewire my urges to natural, healthy things like exercise, surfing, and art which I am doing. However the pain urges right now are SUPER high, haha I'm laughing but really its like there is a deep pain in me that wants to be soothed by fantasy, PMO, and MO.
It seems I can go around 3 days before the urge just overwhelms me, especially late at night or even waking me up really really early so I can MO/PMO. Now I need to break this cylce. Not just willpower, but through realizing I have two choices, keep the pain cylce going, or break FREE and find health and beuaty elsehwere. Wishful thinkign? Maybe not, I am feeling more committed to this.
Thanks to all on this journey. LOL, like everything its appears complex but there is hope