Starting again

searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
First post in definitely too long. Have basically been in a pattern of slipping, getting back to day 2/3, and then slipping again. For some reason I've been keeping in mind that I should only start posting on here once I've built up a bit more momentum... On reflection that's pride, ego and perhaps somewhere too the P talking. I know how valuable journaling is to my journey, yet couldn't quite bring myself to it. This then culminated in another slip yesterday on day 4. Which turned into a big one. I was hungover and basically spent 2/3rds of my Sunday edging. I felt horrendous in the evening and experienced something I had never felt before. A genuine difficulty in peeing - it felt like I had massively fucked my prostate or something, to the extent that only drips of pee were coming out, despite having a full bladder. Took about 45 minutes to get to a place where I felt like I could go to bed. An absolutely horrible experience.

Thank god it seems to be back to some kind of normality today, but it was definitely quite scary. Another reminder that my relationship with P is absolutely toxic, and so damaging to my mind, my spirit and my body. It's non-negotiable that I cannot coexist with it in my life in any way. This realisation again kicked in after in that post-nut clarity and it moved me to wipe my personal laptop, run a bath and submerge it in the waters. A colossal waste of money and material, but I just cannot have that temptation so easily accessible. At least not at this point in my recovery. Maybe it's extreme but it felt good to do it, and still does. So that tells me all I need to know.

That was 24 hours ago and posting at the end of day 1, there's again that sense of moving towards a better place. A day of up and downs, with the latter coming this evening thanks to some relationship stuff with this new girl I'm getting deeper with. It's a reminder of my vulnerabilities, but also that life happens...and working through these things is where growth comes from. Not resorting to P is a small success. Feeling the rawness of the situation is a small success, an opportunity to keep growing again.

I should be thankful for the 'test', regardless of how it pans out. Tomorrow is a new slate and I start over again, but with the sense that I really can do this.

Day 1 ✅
 
searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Day 2

I'm coming down with something, I haven't had a hugely productive day of work and have big deadlines bearing down on me tomorrow as a result, am feeling a bit down on myself and this potential relationship...I feel down on where I live and am bone tired... But, despite all this, it's been a day without P, a day without falling, and therefore I get to the end of today with a smile on my face and a sense of some accomplishment, despite all of the above. Progress. Momentum. Hope.

Tomorrow we begin again.
 
searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Today has been one of those ones without any strong urges - feeling better equipped to engage in work, be more present with colleagues and overall less in a fog.

Am trying really, really hard to be kinder on myself and keeping things in perspective with this girl I'm seeing. Objectively things are going well, and regardless of whether they work out or not, I've got to get to a place where I'm fine with either eventuality. My sense of worth cannot depend on external validation, on the whims of others, romantically or otherwise. For too long this hasn't been the case. This is a big driver I think of what has driven me to P, that false comfort blanket so I don't have to work through the actual feelings, and where they are coming from.

I'm exhausted so I don't have the energy to write more just now but will try to come back to this tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it's day 4 where I've had my last couple of slips. So we start anew again and we refortify, so we can withstand whatever the day throws at us. I can do this, we can do this...

Day 3 ✅
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Happy for you @searching4good.
searching4good said:
My sense of worth cannot depend on external validation, on the whims of others, romantically or otherwise.
Click to expand...
This is so true. Something I'm still working on. And you're right, many times for myself as well, I went to porn feeling sorry for myself and didn't think I could work through my feelings. How wrong was I!

Best to you.
 
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searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Thanks @Blondie for the message - it's always a pleasure to hear your perspective and a good feeling to know you're part of this journey too.

So I'm finally starting to feel a bit more normal after the recent illness. Still very tired and in need of a good sleep, but hopefully tomorrow will be nearly there.

As for today, an evening to myself after my friend who's been staying with me departed. Finishing work there was that gnawing feeling of 'now could be a good time to fire up the laptop', but what with said laptop having been dropped into a bath of water on Sunday, that wasn't even an option. And that felt really good. Removing the option of accessing P really is so important for me, at least at this stage in my recovery. Maybe I'll get to a point when I'm more ok with having a laptop around again, but for now, I know that's not for me.

Instead I went for a walk, made a few phonecalls/checked in with friends and am having a quiet evening.

Starting to build up a head of steam again and the first time I've got to the end of day 4 in a while. All good things, but this really is just the start. It has to be. Onwards and upwards - tomorrow is a blank slate and we start anew.

Day 4 ✅
 
searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Didn't sleep at all well last night - thoughts swirling around about this girl I've been seeing and her breaking things off manifested in a dream along those lines. One of those visceral, upsetting dreams and it set me off kilter when I woke up.

Despite the tiredness, the resolution to have as good a day as possible remained strong. Got a few key work things done and was present with colleagues, giving them my time and counsel without any sense of wishing I was somewhere else. Just being in the moment with them, being away from P... That was enough for me today.

Heading into the weekend I have plans both days and every opportunity to continue building the momentum that's slowly gathering. Feelings are being felt more intensely, both positive and negative ones and I'm aware of my hyper-sensitivity right now to things that are said or done by my love interest. Objectively things are going as well as they could be in the circumstances but I'm mindful there's a lot I need to get on top of, with myself and how I manage these things.

That said, it's absolutely clear to me that there is simply no way I can have the relationship I want with her, or with anyone, if P is in my life. Reading the stories of how much hurt it causes when it's present in an existing, long term relationship... It's very sobering (And I'm so grateful for the candour, and for the self reflection that so many wonderful people on this forum apply when sharing these experiences).

I have done so much damage to myself already with this addiction, but if by the grace of God I'm able to kick this thing now, what a blessing it will be for the relationship in my future that will hopefully become the story of my life.

So with that thought I sign off. Tomorrow we start anew.

Day 5 ✅
 
searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Quick check in - VERY busy day yesterday from a social perspective. Out and about meeting different groups, lots of drinking. Just getting back to mine now after staying over at the GF's place (I think I can call her this now, regardless of how solid I feel in the situation).

Needing to have quick turnaround today as I'll soon be off out again and travelling for work. Will post later this evening from the hotel but acknowledging that yesterday was another P free day, with lots of connection and intimacy with a real woman. God, it is infinitely better than sitting in front of my computer - I've got to remember that always.

Day 6 ✅
 
searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Feeling a bit down as I write this - have been out for work drinks and I'm not sure whether it's the booze or just feelings coming to the surface, but those feelings of inadequacy have come to the fore. Physical inadequacies of being a 5"7ish man at a bar surrounded by 6"+ men. Ridiculous in some ways, but the fact is it is currently a hang up for me. The girl I've started to see is an inch or two taller than me - she's made it very clear it's not an issue for her but I'm still trying to suppress those thoughts that I'm not good enough for her, not tall enough for her and she will eventually realise this and move onto more of a 'man'.

I know I need to work through this and my god, I know that turning to P (which I currently have no desire to do), will never in a million years help with that. This is clearly a big part of what drove me to P in the first place - not necessarily just the height thing, but feelings of not being enough for someone in general. I know I have so many other qualities and that I am a genuinely good, warm, empathetic person, but it's hard to hold onto this sometimes.

Perhaps I should consider engaging with therapy - I never have before but I'm wondering if it might be helpful in terms of breaking down some of these negative perceptions of self I've been carrying around for a long time.

Anyway, something to come back to when I have more energy and am not trying to form into a message after midnight.

Regardless of all those feelings, today is another P free day and that's worth celebrating. I've got to keep at this and each new day doubling down on my efforts. The alternative right now would be absolutely crushing, I feel that so deeply right now. Tomorrow we start again.

Day 8 ✅
 
searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Posting briefly in the morning of a brand new day - day 9 without any PMO.

Yesterday evening elicited a lot of negative feelings. I've woken up tired today due to not getting quite enough sleep. That said, I still have the power within me to have a good day. I have the power within me to make today another one where I move closer to where, and who, I want to be.

Today will be another day without PMO - there is NOTHING that it can offer me that will provide meaningful, longer term fixes to anything challenging that I'm feeling right now.

I'm looking forward to checking in tonight to reaffirm this. Have a good day everyone.
 
searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Thank you so much @PrometheusUnbound @SmokenMirrors @Beautiful1973 and @Blondie - all your responses are so valued and it really does bring a smile to my face to know you're on this journey with me.

Today has been a lot. Not the best night's sleep - long train journey and a lot of work stresses. Coming back into my flat the old instinct would have been to hide away from it all and find 'comfort' in P. An illusory, ultimately counter-productive 'comfort' that made me feel much worse at the end of it, and invariably much less equipped to be able to deal with the situations in front of me.

Instead I buckled down to an hour of work, made myself a quick dinner (or rather, a bowl of soup and an energy bar, lol) spoke to what for all intents and purposes is my GF on the phone for 30 minutes and am currently winding down ahead of an early night, and a planned early start tomorrow to crack through the rest of it.

And you know what, I feel so much better for it. Who would have guessed. I also know however that I am still a moment away from losing all this momentum and having to start all over again. I have to stay vigilant, I have to keep working so hard at this. To keep in mind the person I deserve to be, and who I owe to the world to be.

This forum is proving to be such an integral part of this process and I am finding myself increasingly looking forward to digesting more and more posts and the wisdom they contain. Tomorrow I start anew.

Day 9 ✅
 
searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Today has probably been the hardest so far in this reboot. No major near misses but a few thoughts of old P scenes etc were definitely more noticeable today.

I also struggled to shake the feeling of wanting this recovery to happen as quickly as possible - like, a sense of "I'm only 9/10 days into this? It's going to take FOREVER to get to the kind of streaks that others have been putting together." I fully realise that this isn't a rational thought process, but it kind of put me in a bit of a funk for some reason.

And then right towards the end of the day I received a text from the sort of/not quite yet GF that could have been read as a bit negative, but objectively PROBABLY wasn't. But obviously my brain in its current state immediately started spiralling.

Anyway, I did my best to just ride it out - did some clearing up of stuff and then went to the gym for an ok session. I'm very glad I didn't have my old laptop around (the one I submerged in the bath at the start of this run) as that would have ramped up the temptation.

Very mindful that it was about this time in my last promising reboot effort that things started to get a little harder. So with that in mind I've got to redouble my efforts, grit my teeth and just do whatever it takes to get through day by day for now. Keeping physically active, being productive and holding on to the belief that I'll come through the other side and have another easier stretch.

Tomorrow I start anew.

Day 10 ✅ (into double figures again - that's something...)
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
searching4good said:
I also struggled to shake the feeling of wanting this recovery to happen as quickly as possible - like, a sense of "I'm only 9/10 days into this? It's going to take FOREVER to get to the kind of streaks that others have been putting together."
Click to expand...
Hey @searching4good. I know it's easy to feel this way, but everyone here is on their own journey, and the only person you need to compare yourself with is yourself. Obviously easier said than done, but it is true.

You're doing a great and noble thing, don't ever forget that!

You got this.
 
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