Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

[Orbiter]

Time to reflect and assess

What happened...

I think I can trace the beginning of this back to earlier today where I logged on to the dating app, something I already knew was a bad idea, and was triggered by a profile.

It wasn't so much that it was anything overtly sexual but I found a profile of a woman that immediately struck me. This brought up feelings of isolation, loneliness & memories of rejection. This provided the emotional cues that hung in the back of my mind throughout the day. It probably linked in a way to the bad feelings that were surrounding my birthday.

This also put me in a situation where I was once again just hanging around alone in the apartment, feeling bad, feeling down, unconsciously waiting to relapse. I barely made it out of that situation earlier in the week and this is something I should have taken more seriously.

Some curious searching lead to another thing, then another etc. exposing myself to increasingly triggering material. This lead inevitably to exposure to porn. And, while I initially resisted, kept dwelling on it and eventually succumbed. The 'fuck it' mindset won this time because I gave it both the fuel and the ideal situation for it to.

So what to do?

Well the dating profile is deactivated and the app is no longer on the phone. Not only is it a sexual trigger but it is an emotional one too. It is a porn substitute and an emotional soother and there is no chance using these services constructively in my current state.

I need to consider if I can be trusted using the computer alone in my apartment at this point in time. Solutions to that don't seem immediately obvious but I at least need to shift my activities & leisure away from it for the interim.

Next, I need to address the issue of isolation. When I isolate myself at home in my apartment alone for long periods of time, I create the situation and grounds to comfortably & effortlessly slip into auto-pilot.

Very few of my friends seemed to remember my birthday as evidenced by their lack of contact, a stark reminder of how isolated I have become and that I haven't been getting out enough to actually catch up with them and maintain my friendships.

This is going to require a lifestyle change that involves me stepping out of this weird, solitary prison that my home & life has unintentionally become and engage with the world. Even if it's driving out somewhere for a hike, run or walk when no one is available. I need to make a concerted lifestyle adjustment to do this. If the opposite of addiction is connection, I need to get outside and start living again.

The routines are good but they alone are not enough. Shutting myself indoors, putting myself through some kind of intensive 'detox' does not work.

Today however is over. I will begin putting this shift into practice starting tomorrow.

Sick of this shit.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I know exactly what you're talking about, bro. My dad tells me to try dating apps but I know exactly why I don't want to: For someone like me, it is "porn substitute".

I haven't enjoyed my birthdays in a long time. I understand exactly how it goes. My last birthday was like my last many birthdays, me drinking alone in my room, crying in a corner. I told someone that probably the only way for me to get out of this ridiculous vicious cycle of isolation, self-pity, addiction and feeling like shit is to become a badass Maybe like this when my birthday comes, I won't feel anymore like: "Shit, here goes another year of my life and I'm still not good enough."

But anyway, I'm rooting for you, man. The fact that you keep trying to find a solution is the way to go. The only way not to get anywhere is to give up. As depressing as it might look, in those moments when we feel like we've been working hard but we still fall on our head, we can't give up on trying to find the best things for us.

 

[Androg]

Time to reflect and assess

What happened...

I think I can trace the beginning of this back to earlier today where I logged on to the dating app, something I already knew was a bad idea, and was triggered by a profile.

It wasn't so much that it was anything overtly sexual but I found a profile of a woman that immediately struck me. This brought up feelings of isolation, loneliness & memories of rejection. This provided the emotional cues that hung in the back of my mind throughout the day. It probably linked in a way to the bad feelings that were surrounding my birthday.

This also put me in a situation where I was once again just hanging around alone in the apartment, feeling bad, feeling down, unconsciously waiting to relapse. I barely made it out of that situation earlier in the week and this is something I should have taken more seriously.

Some curious searching lead to another thing, then another etc. exposing myself to increasingly triggering material. This lead inevitably to exposure to porn. And, while I initially resisted, kept dwelling on it and eventually succumbed. The 'fuck it' mindset won this time because I gave it both the fuel and the ideal situation for it to.

So what to do?

Well the dating profile is deactivated and the app is no longer on the phone. Not only is it a sexual trigger but it is an emotional one too. It is a porn substitute and an emotional soother and there is no chance using these services constructively in my current state.

I need to consider if I can be trusted using the computer alone in my apartment at this point in time. Solutions to that don't seem immediately obvious but I at least need to shift my activities & leisure away from it for the interim.

Next, I need to address the issue of isolation. When I isolate myself at home in my apartment alone for long periods of time, I create the situation and grounds to comfortably & effortlessly slip into auto-pilot.

Very few of my friends seemed to remember my birthday as evidenced by their lack of contact, a stark reminder of how isolated I have become and that I haven't been getting out enough to actually catch up with them and maintain my friendships.

This is going to require a lifestyle change that involves me stepping out of this weird, solitary prison that my home & life has unintentionally become and engage with the world. Even if it's driving out somewhere for a hike, run or walk when no one is available. I need to make a concerted lifestyle adjustment to do this. If the opposite of addiction is connection, I need to get outside and start living again.

The routines are good but they alone are not enough. Shutting myself indoors, putting myself through some kind of intensive 'detox' does not work.

Today however is over. I will begin putting this shift into practice starting tomorrow.

Sick of this shit.

Suggestions : Could you make a list of people you would like to renew your friendship with. Then start going down the list contacting them and proposing you get together? Also consider if there are any clubs or groups in real life that you would like to join. Hiking clubs? Learn salsa? Things of that nature. Failing that, join an online group for sex and porn recovery so that you get more accountability and support from real people.

 

[Phineas 808]

'It's just porn, nothing more'

I like this. "The Emporer has no clothes", stripping this thing of 'objective' power that it doesn't have, so important. But why do we still 'need' it? These are perspectives and questions worth exploring.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, Orbiter. Wish to add to your latest comments. You nailed it on the head by mentioning 'cues', emotional or otherwise. This is going to sound simplistic, but the end of our addiction/habit comes when we stop responding to the urges.

First there's a cue (or 'trigger'), and it doesn't necessarily matter to identify them, as that in itself can be a response to the 'ritual'.

Second, come the urges. These will vary in intensity, depending on whether we've sensitized or desensitized (through non-response) the neural pathways.

Third, and this is where either the magic happens or the same ol' happens, there's response or non-response.

Remember, figthing the urges, negotiating, compromising, judgement, restriction, etc, all these are responses that only feed the 'beast-brain'. Or, through non-response (and if there is repsonse, be non-judgmental about it), consistently for over a (relatively short) period of time, is key to your and my transformation.

Reconnecting with friends is a great idea, but do it only because it's healthy and [a desired] normal for us. Don't do it as some kind of 'plan to beat porn'.

Again, keep the computer. You can and will be proven to be trustworthy! Above all, don't disempower yourself, don't put yourself in the hands of others who will take away your power, make you feel that you're not in control- or "can't help yourself" etc...

I'm not naive, and you know my decades long struggle, Orbiter. I know it can be scary when it seems we have no control, but you proved to yourself that you DO HAVE CONTROL. Sure, you gave in later, but you walked away without a PMO earlier. This shows that at any time during this seeming chain of causality, you can at any point- no matter how far you've gone- stop and walk away. The difference is, Orbiter, and this is key, is to be non-judgemental with yourself about any of it. Let it ebb and flow, and you'll find that your more 'normal' and healthy than you're seeing yourself right now.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I like this. "The Emporer has no clothes", stripping this thing of 'objective' power that it doesn't have, so important. But why do we still 'need' it? These are perspectives and questions worth exploring.

Yes. Maybe everyone has his own reason for keep doing it past that "Curiosity" phase, "Boys like to see naked girls" phase. I know what it's been for me. Joepanic has posted on his page a video about porn addiction and one thing that the doctor said was that feeling of worthlessness, feeling you have no purpose, feeling you are lost, feeling you are a loser good for nothing etc. (not necessarily in those words) , those type of things are a very strong reason for using porn as a cope and I can definitely see why. Maybe I didn't really think about it this way or maybe I did but the video definitely put it in the spotlight for me. Maybe I was also thinking that this was what I deserved, you know, self-destructing myself willingly because deep down inside I thought I was shit anyway.

 

[Orbiter]

Suggestions : Could you make a list of people you would like to renew your friendship with. Then start going down the list contacting them and proposing you get together? Also consider if there are any clubs or groups in real life that you would like to join. Hiking clubs? Learn salsa? Things of that nature. Failing that, join an online group for sex and porn recovery so that you get more accountability and support from real people.

Thanks Androg, I think these are all really great ideas.

I made the list by the way. It's up by the bed and I intend to follow through.

Clubs or meet ups are something i've considered for awhile and should give it some thought. I went on a few dates earlier this year with a British woman who was using meetups as a way to expand her circle of people and settle in to life here. It seemed to be working out really well for her.

 

[Orbiter]

Yes. Maybe everyone has his own reason for keep doing it past that "Curiosity" phase, "Boys like to see naked girls" phase. I know what it's been for me. Joepanic has posted on his page a video about porn addiction and one thing that the doctor said was that feeling of worthlessness, feeling you have no purpose, feeling you are lost, feeling you are a loser good for nothing etc. (not necessarily in those words) , those type of things are a very strong reason for using porn as a cope and I can definitely see why. Maybe I didn't really think about it this way or maybe I did but the video definitely put it in the spotlight for me. Maybe I was also thinking that this was what I deserved, you know, self-destructing myself willingly because deep down inside I thought I was shit anyway.

It could be a mixture of all of those things right? It could be as simple as struggling to face what we've become, what our lives have become, and wind up escaping through vice when the reality of this, and perhaps the underlying feeling of helplessness to change it, becomes too much to bear.

I think self-esteem is the core here. Self-esteem is the foundation of strength, hope & courage a person needs to make this change in their lives. And the thing about self-esteem is that it's built.

I know Escape, that you're a big fan of David Goggins right? Well he talks all the time about how, to build a better life and a better him, he had to rebuilt his self-esteem from the ground up yes? He is who he is and he does what he does not because he's trying to be some lame alpha/sigma/whatever big shot douche bag, it's because what he has to do to overcome all of his shit to basically to live, to survive.

I don't think that means we have to live a life like that necessarily, and I think some lot of the examples he sets for others is not necessarily the most responsible for a professional motivator/role model such as himself to do...but that's not the point either. The point is true confidence and self-esteem is built, and if he can take the terrible lot in life that he was given and do what he did with he did, imagine what you or I can do once we figure it out.





...all that aside though, if we're going to quit this, we've really got to knuckle down on this and start saying no to the urges.

 

[Orbiter]

Hi, Orbiter. Wish to add to your latest comments. You nailed it on the head by mentioning 'cues', emotional or otherwise. This is going to sound simplistic, but the end of our addiction/habit comes when we stop responding to the urges.

First there's a cue (or 'trigger'), and it doesn't necessarily matter to identify them, as that in itself can be a response to the 'ritual'.

Second, come the urges. These will vary in intensity, depending on whether we've sensitized or desensitized (through non-response) the neural pathways.

Third, and this is where either the magic happens or the same ol' happens, there's response or non-response.

Remember, figthing the urges, negotiating, compromising, judgement, restriction, etc, all these are responses that only feed the 'beast-brain'. Or, through non-response (and if there is repsonse, be non-judgmental about it), consistently for over a (relatively short) period of time, is key to your and my transformation.

Reconnecting with friends is a great idea, but do it only because it's healthy and [a desired] normal for us. Don't do it as some kind of 'plan to beat porn'.

Again, keep the computer. You can and will be proven to be trustworthy! Above all, don't disempower yourself, don't put yourself in the hands of others who will take away your power, make you feel that you're not in control- or "can't help yourself" etc...

I'm not naive, and you know my decades long struggle, Orbiter. I know it can be scary when it seems we have no control, but you proved to yourself that you DO HAVE CONTROL. Sure, you gave in later, but you walked away without a PMO earlier. This shows that at any time during this seeming chain of causality, you can at any point- no matter how far you've gone- stop and walk away. The difference is, Orbiter, and this is key, is to be non-judgemental with yourself about any of it. Let it ebb and flow, and you'll find that your more 'normal' and healthy than you're seeing yourself right now.

Thank you for putting some of these things in perspective. I think you pretty much said it all here and you're right I have to be mindful of this as I seem to fall into this trap of thought quite often. Particularly the disempowement through restrictions, judgement and the punishment/self-flagellation.

I was in that early instance able to say no. I can do it again and I can stick to it.

When the phone rings, just let it ring.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

It could be a mixture of all of those things right? It could be as simple as struggling to face what we've become, what our lives have become, and wind up escaping through vice when the reality of this, and perhaps the underlying feeling of helplessness to change it, becomes too much to bear.

Definitely. I know exactly what you're talking about. 100 percent. I'm a part of this.

I think self-esteem is the core here. Self-esteem is the foundation of strength, hope & courage a person needs to make this change in their lives. And the thing about self-esteem is that it's built.

Absolutely. It's what I didn't do. I've lived my life with the "I'm a piece of shit good for nothing" mentality. Very big mistake.

I know Escape, that you're a big fan of David Goggins right? Well he talks all the time about how, to build a better life and a better him, he had to rebuilt his self-esteem from the ground up yes? He is who he is and he does what he does not because he's trying to be some lame alpha/sigma/whatever big shot douche bag, it's because what he has to do to overcome all of his shit to basically to live, to survive.

I don't think that means we have to live a life like that necessarily, and I think some lot of the examples he sets for others is not necessarily the most responsible for a professional motivator/role model such as himself to do...but that's not the point either. The point is true confidence and self-esteem is built, and if he can take the terrible lot in life that he was given and do what he did with he did, imagine what you or I can do once we figure it out.

Huge fan, yes. David Goggins is a beast. His message is for a good cause. I recommend him to people all the time. Of course, what people should do is to take what's useful from anybody, we don't really have to do everything someone does. Yes, David Goggins has done some crazy stuff but he never told anybody to do that type of stuff, he never came forward saying: "If you don't do what I did, run 100 miles marathon and almost get killed in the process, finish the race with kidney failure then you are a loser." No. But the core of his message is what matters and it's what people should extract from what he says.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Another thing is that I believe we can't grow if we choose comfort over pain. Everybody who we think he is a beast right now has gone through periods of pain and suffering to achieve that. Porn addiction is one of the faces of comfort. Shit gets hard, you run to porn. The matrix pushes this "happiness" agenda, you need to feel good all the time, if you don't, you need to do something to feel good. Obviously, because they sell anti-depressants, they have porn, junk food, video games etc. Of course you need to understand that you must do whatever it takes to feel good because like that you can embrace their bullshit instant gratification things. But life of a man is actually not like that. It has ups and downs, there are days where you feel alright and days where you feel like shit but anytime you feel like shit you need to identify why and what you can do about it not jerk off to porn, play video games etcetera. And sometimes it takes time, it won't happen in 1 hour. But the matrix pushes this "instant" agenda, you need to make yourself feel better in 5 minutes.

 

[EarthWalker]

I need to get outside and start living again.

Same here man.

I think we over-analyze the problem. Maybe better if we just ignore the problem of P and focus on incremental lifestyle changes.

Ignore feels like a bad word. Maybe there is a more accurate word. Acknowledge the problem but don't put more energy into it other than the acknowledgement.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Same here man.

I think we over-analyze the problem. Maybe better if we just ignore the problem of P and focus on incremental lifestyle changes.

Ignore feels like a bad word. Maybe there is a more accurate word. Acknowledge the problem but don't put more energy into it other than the acknowledgement.

Yes, I definitely agree with this.

 

[Orbiter]

I believe it's technically Day 1 as I had a second lapse just after midnight, shortly after the last reported one. Almost two days but technically not if that makes sense.

Things have been relatively quiet since my last post(s). I went out for dinner and a gig with some friends I haven't seen in awhile. Weirdly since the last relapse, a lot of people have suddenly started getting in touch. Perhaps it's a sign, maybe it isn't and i'm merely giving greater importance to it given the recent troubles & reflections.

When out I did probably drink more than I should've. However instead of lying in bed, feeling awful, trying to sleep it off or struggling with thoughts or urges, I went straight out for a morning run. The result? Hangover gone, no urges whatsoever. Incredible.

I return to work next week. Something i'm not exactly looking forward to but alas these bills of mine won't pay themselves. It's on my mind but I don't think it'll cause me too much dread as long as I keep active and concentrate on getting whatever needs to be done done.

Stay the course everybody

 

[Orbiter]

Day 2

Today started out a little rough, being woken up by the downstairs apartment drinking and blasting music on/off from about 4-6am in the morning. Ruined my sleep and kind of fed the low level stress that was starting to happen knowing i'm returning to work tomorrow.

Still today's been okay so far. Got things in order around the apartment, cooked, cleaned, messaged some people, re-read through some journals of others for a bit of inspiration. Going out to a comedy show tonight so I thought I should quickly log on and get todays journal post out of the way.

Little else to report. Hope you're all doing well.

 

[Androg]

Day 2

Today started out a little rough, being woken up by the downstairs apartment drinking and blasting music on/off from about 4-6am in the morning. Ruined my sleep and kind of fed the low level stress that was starting to happen knowing i'm returning to work tomorrow.

Still today's been okay so far. Got things in order around the apartment, cooked, cleaned, messaged some people, re-read through some journals of others for a bit of inspiration. Going out to a comedy show tonight so I thought I should quickly log on and get todays journal post out of the way.

Little else to report. Hope you're all doing well.

Hopefully you will sleep better tonight because of last night’s short night (and thoughtless neighbors).

Good luck at work!

 

[Orbiter]

Day 1

Took a break for a little while after the last lapse. The last series of lapses left me with a question of whether I was using this journal as a true measure of accountability or a way to seek external validation i.e once i've received the praise & support, i've got my hit of validation and I can PMO again. To this end I made an offline pen & paper journal which I maintained for a little while to surprisingly positive results. It was more of a mental health, life journal rather than predominantly PMO affair. It worked for awhile and it helped to perhaps more honestly express thoughts that could be considered triggering or unhelpful to people in recovery who may be reading this. The journal and good habits fell off however as I increasingly found myself without time or motivation to continue and I wound up more or less back where I started.

I'm not sure if there's something i'm missing that is continuing to hold me back. What I do know is i'm not going to find out mindlessly bingeing on porn in isolation with no reflection or accountability. So here I am again.

Hope you've all been doing well in your respective journeys.

 

[Androg]

Day 1

Took a break for a little while after the last lapse. The last series of lapses left me with a question of whether I was using this journal as a true measure of accountability or a way to seek external validation i.e once i've received the praise & support, i've got my hit of validation and I can PMO again. To this end I made an offline pen & paper journal which I maintained for a little while to surprisingly positive results. It was more of a mental health, life journal rather than predominantly PMO affair. It worked for awhile and it helped to perhaps more honestly express thoughts that could be considered triggering or unhelpful to people in recovery who may be reading this. The journal and good habits fell off however as I increasingly found myself without time or motivation to continue and I wound up more or less back where I started.

I'm not sure if there's something i'm missing that is continuing to hold me back. What I do know is i'm not going to find out mindlessly bingeing on porn in isolation with no reflection or accountability. So here I am again.

Hope you've all been doing well in your respective journeys.

There doesn’t seem to be a magic bullet, but if you keep trying different things, eventually you will tame your brain.

 

[Orbiter]

It's a good point. Perhaps it's time I stop searching for a 'silver bullet' solution to this and focus instead on breaking this thing down one day at a time.

Day 2

 

[Orbiter]

While an annoying, uncomfortable skin reaction has complicated carrying out some of my planned habits to help keep away, i'm staying the course all the same and can honestly say, at this point, my resolution is as strong as it was just after the last PMO.

Day 3