Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
It's Day 2 today. I had one PMO lapse earlier in the week. Similar factors were at play this time as last time only it was a working day and I wasn't hungover.

Perhaps it's not so much the situation of the weekend but the one week mark itself that for some reason is giving me problems.
 
Q

qubit

Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I completely agree with this. Ironically, people report that quitting porn make them more able to deal with problems, worries etc. The very thing that promises us to help us deal with the problems, makes us eventually unable to do it in the long run. It's all a fantasy. An addictive behavior or substance could never fix anything. What happened to me is that after years of numbing myself with porn and alcohol, I've realized I have no coping mechanism. Re-learning coping mechanisms is going to suck big time for a while.
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This bit about re-learning coping mechanism hits so hard. Thanks for sharing it.

On a separate note, how are you doing Orbiter? Hope things are going well. If not, please do not give up. Also, love your name and the name of the thread!
 
Q

qubit

Member
Also loved the structured approach you described at the beginning of the thread. I like structure, which is partly why the mindlessness of PMO irks me so much. But I have been unsuccessful so far at using structure to beat this thing. Would love to hear your thoughts on it.
 
L

logicprox

Well-Known Member
qubit said:
Also loved the structured approach you described at the beginning of the thread. I like structure, which is partly why the mindlessness of PMO irks me so much. But I have been unsuccessful so far at using structure to beat this thing. Would love to hear your thoughts on it.
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Don't want to hijack the thread too much, but what do you mean when you say you have ben unsuccessful using structure? Did you implement and stick to the structure and it didn't work, or just were unable to implement and stick to the structure?

Speaking of mindlessness, here's my routine but whole hearted endorsement of mindfulness training. Speaking of which, that's the next step of my morning routine now so off to do that.
 
Q

qubit

Member
The latter. Could not stick to it. Other aspects of my life got in the way. I am hoping to implement a more "lightweight" version of my initial plan this time around. Focus on simplicity. But kudos to you for sticking with mindfulness!
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
The problem I have found with relying on routine & plans alone is that everything tends to fall apart the moment something disrupts it. Reality is an unpredictable constant and something always gets in the way. Always. That's life.

I guess the problem is nothing really works unless I stick to it one hundred percent. If I stick to it ninety-five percent I seem to just fall apart somewhere in the other five percent.

It seems a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link.

The cycle of exhaustion, work, life, indulgence, repetition seems to overwhelm me time and time again whenever I make a commitment to positive change. The increasing absence of any evidence of positive change seems to form a kind of negative feedback loop that only makes things worse.

Getting 'back on the horse' so-to-speak isn't good enough. My porn use continues to escalate and I seem unable to do anything to put the breaks on it. Stop for a few days, binge for a few days, cycle repeats etc.

I made the decision to quit porn over eleven years ago. Looking back I can't really see any meaningful progress or anything at all really to show for it. If anything, my porn use has continued to escalate with only brief, ultimately inconsequential periods of sustained non-use to periodically slow it down.

The days clean do NOT accumulate to positive change or outweigh the escalation that occurs during these binges. It is simply not enough.

I struggle to see the value in coming here again and again to report the latest binge after 4 to 6 days. It's not enough to prevent things from getting worse. Androg is right to laugh, it's become beyond ridiculous.

I don't even know what the way out is anymore or how I can stop myself from fucking things up. Every time I seem to make progress, in three days time I simply betray myself...again and again.

How can I trust or believe in myself anymore...

I don't know what to do.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Bingeing deepens addiction. You need to find some kind of support group where you have daily meetings for a number of months until you can make progress at the level of brain balance.

Just to clarify, I was not laughing at you! I thought something you said was intended to be funny.
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Androg!

Day 1

One thing i've been considering lately is the nature of temptation. It's easy to generalize and say we suffer through 'days' or periods of temptation and/or urges but that isn't quite how it actually plays out. In my experience, and I think the experience of many, temptation actually actually hits at very short, brief, intense moments. One that forces you to either act out or find a way to dismiss it and do something else.

I think what I need to work out is how I can snap myself out of the sleep walk and bring myself to make the right decision and resist the temptation in those brief but very critical moments.

Something to consider over the coming days.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Orbiter said:
Thanks Androg!

Day 1

One thing i've been considering lately is the nature of temptation. It's easy to generalize and say we suffer through 'days' or periods of temptation and/or urges but that isn't quite how it actually plays out. In my experience, and I think the experience of many, temptation actually actually hits at very short, brief, intense moments. One that forces you to either act out or find a way to dismiss it and do something else.

I think what I need to work out is how I can snap myself out of the sleep walk and bring myself to make the right decision and resist the temptation in those brief but very critical moments.

Something to consider over the coming days.
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Good insight. What you’re most likely experiencing is “cravings“. They are tied to addiction. Many people discovered that while cravings remain intense, their frequency declines, until they are a thing of the past entirely.
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Day 3

Missed yesterdays posting as I went out and got back a bit too late. I was able to identify a few critical moments during the day where I had the choice to fall back into the PMO cycle and, to my satisfaction, was able to make the right decision and do something else.

It reached a point in the evening where I was mulling around at home, procrastinating, over-thinking, mindlessly on the internet with a feeling of mild discomfort and perhaps not the most positive thoughts swirling through my head. I have been in this situation before and it's usually a situation where i'm waiting to be triggered or for a reason to give in.

I went out for a long walk instead and stopped by one of the local bars for a drink along the way. Not the greatest way to deal with it plus I bought a pack of cigarettes which i'm not happy with. I also reactivated an account from a dating site, probably for stimulatory reasons, which is something I also need to get away from.

So it was a start. A positive start that ended with acting out in other ways and some disappointing fuck ups but I did not PMO.

Whatever challenges these things bring today, pulling myself back from a PMO binge is not one of them. I'm grateful that yesterday me made this choice as I am in a better place today for it.

Today is my birthday, I have now officially been in this world for 38 years. Given my life & circumstances i'm finding this difficult to deal with. This day hits home for me how much time has passed, disappointment of where my life is at, regret of the past and how different my life could have been had I not made the choices i've made.

Some would say this is negative but I need to be honest that this is where i'm at and this is how I feel. This is reality, this is consequence and I need to face this if I am to have any hope of changing it.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Orbiter said:
Today is my birthday, I have now officially been in this world for 38 years.
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Happy birthday, Orbiter!

I'm always rooting for you and hoping the best for you. I know I'm not around as often as before, but you're always topmost in my mind.

Good job on disrupting old patterns, even if they went in ways you may not prefer. I know for me, I'll take a win where I can get it. Always keep in mind, it's not an all-or-nothing scenario for us.

If you ever need me, brother, don't hesitate to reach out!
 
EarthWalker

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Happy birthday Orbiter! Hope you got some cake.
Orbiter said:
Today is my birthday, I have now officially been in this world for 38 years. Given my life & circumstances i'm finding this difficult to deal with. This day hits home for me how much time has passed, disappointment of where my life is at, regret of the past and how different my life could have been had I not made the choices i've made.
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I can relate. You are doing the best what you can given the hand that is dealt and your level of understanding. Now you can and will do better.
Orbiter said:
Some would say this is negative but I need to be honest that this is where i'm at and this is how I feel. This is reality, this is consequence and I need to face this if I am to have any hope of changing it.
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There is a certain level of transmutation that happens when you are just present with the negative emotions without wanting to change them or for things to be different.

Good luck
Onwards and upwards!
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Phineas, Blondie & Earthwalker for the continuing, seemingly unwavering support and the birthday wishes! You guys are all in your own individual ways the best, really.

I'll be honest, I was looking at porn a moment ago, just before logging on here. I was at the point where I was about to say 'fuck it Orbiter, you've gone this far you might as well PMO' but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe i'm just too desensitized or something by now but I realized after the curiosity waned that I didn't want to. There was this voice in my head repeating,

'If it weren't for the damage this stuff has done to your life, you wouldn't be trying to escape right now'
'It's just porn, nothing more'
'You're 38! How much longer are you going to keep living like this'
'If you keep on going through with this, nothing will get better and nothing will ever change.'
'You don't want this, don't torture yourself anymore'

My brain wouldn't let me do it. That's why i'm writing this now instead of PMOing.

I regret it but i'm glad I stopped.

Still, a lapse is a lapse and I need to stay true to myself and reset my counter.

I'm going to log off, cook dinner, watch a movie and go to bed.

It's Day 0 today
 
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