The problem I have found with relying on routine & plans alone is that everything tends to fall apart the moment something disrupts it. Reality is an unpredictable constant and something always gets in the way. Always. That's life.
I guess the problem is nothing really works unless I stick to it one hundred percent. If I stick to it ninety-five percent I seem to just fall apart somewhere in the other five percent.
It seems a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link.
The cycle of exhaustion, work, life, indulgence, repetition seems to overwhelm me time and time again whenever I make a commitment to positive change. The increasing absence of any evidence of positive change seems to form a kind of negative feedback loop that only makes things worse.
Getting 'back on the horse' so-to-speak isn't good enough. My porn use continues to escalate and I seem unable to do anything to put the breaks on it. Stop for a few days, binge for a few days, cycle repeats etc.
I made the decision to quit porn over eleven years ago. Looking back I can't really see any meaningful progress or anything at all really to show for it. If anything, my porn use has continued to escalate with only brief, ultimately inconsequential periods of sustained non-use to periodically slow it down.
The days clean do NOT accumulate to positive change or outweigh the escalation that occurs during these binges. It is simply not enough.
I struggle to see the value in coming here again and again to report the latest binge after 4 to 6 days. It's not enough to prevent things from getting worse. Androg is right to laugh, it's become beyond ridiculous.
I don't even know what the way out is anymore or how I can stop myself from fucking things up. Every time I seem to make progress, in three days time I simply betray myself...again and again.
How can I trust or believe in myself anymore...
I don't know what to do.
