Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
It's Day 2 today. I had one PMO lapse earlier in the week. Similar factors were at play this time as last time only it was a working day and I wasn't hungover.

Perhaps it's not so much the situation of the weekend but the one week mark itself that for some reason is giving me problems.
 

qubit

Member
I completely agree with this. Ironically, people report that quitting porn make them more able to deal with problems, worries etc. The very thing that promises us to help us deal with the problems, makes us eventually unable to do it in the long run. It's all a fantasy. An addictive behavior or substance could never fix anything. What happened to me is that after years of numbing myself with porn and alcohol, I've realized I have no coping mechanism. Re-learning coping mechanisms is going to suck big time for a while.
This bit about re-learning coping mechanism hits so hard. Thanks for sharing it.

On a separate note, how are you doing Orbiter? Hope things are going well. If not, please do not give up. Also, love your name and the name of the thread!
 

qubit

Member
Also loved the structured approach you described at the beginning of the thread. I like structure, which is partly why the mindlessness of PMO irks me so much. But I have been unsuccessful so far at using structure to beat this thing. Would love to hear your thoughts on it.
 

logicprox

Active Member
Also loved the structured approach you described at the beginning of the thread. I like structure, which is partly why the mindlessness of PMO irks me so much. But I have been unsuccessful so far at using structure to beat this thing. Would love to hear your thoughts on it.
Don't want to hijack the thread too much, but what do you mean when you say you have ben unsuccessful using structure? Did you implement and stick to the structure and it didn't work, or just were unable to implement and stick to the structure?

Speaking of mindlessness, here's my routine but whole hearted endorsement of mindfulness training. Speaking of which, that's the next step of my morning routine now so off to do that.
 

qubit

Member
The latter. Could not stick to it. Other aspects of my life got in the way. I am hoping to implement a more "lightweight" version of my initial plan this time around. Focus on simplicity. But kudos to you for sticking with mindfulness!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
The problem I have found with relying on routine & plans alone is that everything tends to fall apart the moment something disrupts it. Reality is an unpredictable constant and something always gets in the way. Always. That's life.

I guess the problem is nothing really works unless I stick to it one hundred percent. If I stick to it ninety-five percent I seem to just fall apart somewhere in the other five percent.

It seems a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link.

The cycle of exhaustion, work, life, indulgence, repetition seems to overwhelm me time and time again whenever I make a commitment to positive change. The increasing absence of any evidence of positive change seems to form a kind of negative feedback loop that only makes things worse.

Getting 'back on the horse' so-to-speak isn't good enough. My porn use continues to escalate and I seem unable to do anything to put the breaks on it. Stop for a few days, binge for a few days, cycle repeats etc.

I made the decision to quit porn over eleven years ago. Looking back I can't really see any meaningful progress or anything at all really to show for it. If anything, my porn use has continued to escalate with only brief, ultimately inconsequential periods of sustained non-use to periodically slow it down.

The days clean do NOT accumulate to positive change or outweigh the escalation that occurs during these binges. It is simply not enough.

I struggle to see the value in coming here again and again to report the latest binge after 4 to 6 days. It's not enough to prevent things from getting worse. Androg is right to laugh, it's become beyond ridiculous.

I don't even know what the way out is anymore or how I can stop myself from fucking things up. Every time I seem to make progress, in three days time I simply betray myself...again and again.

How can I trust or believe in myself anymore...

I don't know what to do.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Bingeing deepens addiction. You need to find some kind of support group where you have daily meetings for a number of months until you can make progress at the level of brain balance.

Just to clarify, I was not laughing at you! I thought something you said was intended to be funny.
 
Top