Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal
- Thread starter Orbiter
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Following your journal for a while now, I'm wondering something, Orbiter...
I know that weekends are a particular 'high-risk' time for you, at least that's how it's perceived, right? As such, you're thinking in increments of weeks, as stated above. This is fine, but I wonder if it can be an arbitrary period of time where we're projecting too much anticipation into it?
For example, myself... I tend to think in terms of months, like, I hope this month goes without any episode... and, as it used to be, toward the end of the month I seemed to be more proned to fall, even though I may have had a (fairly) decent month... Does that make sense?
Another example is that I'd almost anticipate a lapse after every 8th day, or so (more or less). When I made so many mini-goals of 8 days each (15 x 8 = 120 days), this broke that habitual way of thinking about it.
Food for thought, but I wonder if there's a way to break out of the 'week-by-week' mentality, unless you find it helpful? I know your work week is part of that 'conditioning' if you will. Is there a way for you to hack into this potential clue?
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I can definitely agree with those kind of "cues". I know around what day in the streak I start experiencing urges and I seem to start right around that day. I mean, many years ago I used to start having urges on day 4 because for a while I had been binging PMO on day 4.
To address your observation Phineas, I feel there's a few ways to look at it. I think firstly it and of itself has become such a strong habit because it has happened so many times.
There's also aspects of the weekend that I think lend themselves to lapsing into old behaviours. Being tired, idle time, being hungover, feeling down, exhausted from the previous week, sometimes dreading the next, just wanting to 'relax' etc.
And yes there's probably as a result of all this somewhat of an expectation that it's going to happen.
Honestly I don't really have any 'ideas' about how to break it at this point. Nothing short of basically staying completely away from a computer or the internet for the duration of the weekend.
Day 2 today.
Wishing you all well.
There's also aspects of the weekend that I think lend themselves to lapsing into old behaviours. Being tired, idle time, being hungover, feeling down, exhausted from the previous week, sometimes dreading the next, just wanting to 'relax' etc.
And yes there's probably as a result of all this somewhat of an expectation that it's going to happen.
Honestly I don't really have any 'ideas' about how to break it at this point. Nothing short of basically staying completely away from a computer or the internet for the duration of the weekend.
Day 2 today.
Wishing you all well.
I would say try to think less about staying away from the computer on the weekend and more about what do I want to do with my weekend? Trying to stay away is fruitless if you have nothing to replace it with. Humans will always end up lounging without something specific to do in place.
For me I have replaced the weekend lounging with training for an iron man and learning music production and it’s made a world of a difference.
For the music stuff I often take my laptop to a coffee shop and work on it there and am not distracted.
I know not everyone has things they are passionate about but…I personally think everyone should find something they are. It helps eliminate the void we are trying to fill with porn.
For me I have replaced the weekend lounging with training for an iron man and learning music production and it’s made a world of a difference.
For the music stuff I often take my laptop to a coffee shop and work on it there and am not distracted.
I know not everyone has things they are passionate about but…I personally think everyone should find something they are. It helps eliminate the void we are trying to fill with porn.
Thanks Logicprox,
perhaps this is the key to 'hacking' this bad weekend cycle of mine. Planning in advance and making sure, even though it's the weekend, there's still a structure and clear purpose to the day. Thankfully this one is looking quite busy and also thankfully I have many interests that almost always seem to get neglected. Getting a plan together and addressing routine & habits though need to be considered.
Day 3 today.
Wishing you all well.
perhaps this is the key to 'hacking' this bad weekend cycle of mine. Planning in advance and making sure, even though it's the weekend, there's still a structure and clear purpose to the day. Thankfully this one is looking quite busy and also thankfully I have many interests that almost always seem to get neglected. Getting a plan together and addressing routine & habits though need to be considered.
Day 3 today.
Wishing you all well.
Hey guys,
It's Day 1 today. Didn't have a very good weekend. I think what was discussed in the previous post was a great idea but I did not follow through with planning ahead. As a result it was a case of idle hands and too much access to computers. This ones entirely on me, I didn't put the work in and the results were predictable.
I'm thinking next weekend i'm going to try and go away somewhere. Somewhere outdoors. Get far away from the apartment, computers, PMO, all the same old habits and same old vices.
Wishing you all well.
It's Day 1 today. Didn't have a very good weekend. I think what was discussed in the previous post was a great idea but I did not follow through with planning ahead. As a result it was a case of idle hands and too much access to computers. This ones entirely on me, I didn't put the work in and the results were predictable.
I'm thinking next weekend i'm going to try and go away somewhere. Somewhere outdoors. Get far away from the apartment, computers, PMO, all the same old habits and same old vices.
Wishing you all well.
Hi, Orbiter! Sorry for your latest struggles...
'...idleness and access', those are just stories we tell ourselves. Idleness can become quietness and access can become empowerment.
Yes, create distance between yourself and your habits, and if going somewhere this weekend is a part of that, great! The brain is just looking for the 'same ol' solutions for the uncomfortable feelings inside, and going elsewhere at least gives an alternative to these useless dopamine hits.
But you will come to a place, brother, where it won't matter how much access you have or how idle your hands. Because you will be comfortable in your own skin, you'll have learned to sit with even the uncomfortable feelings, and any urges or suggestions from the lower brain to use, you'll simply ignore those and let them mindfully and nonjudgmentally dissipate on their own.
I know, if you're like me, that sometimes it takes us to keep seeing it, keep seeing it, before we finally get it- deep down inside.
You got this, Orbiter!
'...idleness and access', those are just stories we tell ourselves. Idleness can become quietness and access can become empowerment.
Yes, create distance between yourself and your habits, and if going somewhere this weekend is a part of that, great! The brain is just looking for the 'same ol' solutions for the uncomfortable feelings inside, and going elsewhere at least gives an alternative to these useless dopamine hits.
But you will come to a place, brother, where it won't matter how much access you have or how idle your hands. Because you will be comfortable in your own skin, you'll have learned to sit with even the uncomfortable feelings, and any urges or suggestions from the lower brain to use, you'll simply ignore those and let them mindfully and nonjudgmentally dissipate on their own.
I know, if you're like me, that sometimes it takes us to keep seeing it, keep seeing it, before we finally get it- deep down inside.
You got this, Orbiter!
Been testing out a bit of a different approach to see if it helps. I have been thinking about it for awhile but didn't begin seriously applying it until today. I'll elaborate further tomorrow as it's late but i'm still hanging in there and i'm still trying to find a way. It's Day 1 today
Wishing you all well
Wishing you all well
I think there are two areas where my approach is lacking. The first part is I have built over the years lots of habits and lots of rationalisations & thought patterns surrounding these habits that are intrinsically linked to acting out. The three circles chart was a valuable exercise in identifying them but does not provide alternative behaviours or activities. The fail safe list provides these activities but no structure or plan of implementing them.
I think one of the reasons it is so rare for me to relapse during the week is I have a fairly solid routine surrounding the week that is to some extent enforced by work. This more or less disappears once the weekend begins, arguably when I need it the most. To address this I sat down and thought of what i'd like my ideal weekend to look like and came up with a routine list, though similar to the week, maintains a routine and makes me plan ahead for what I want to do with my time. It was in part inspired by a combination of my own weekly routines that have worked in the past, logicprox's routine and also addressing past mistakes.
It's not a permanent solution by any means to be this strict but i'm looking at it as sort of 'training wheels' for how i'd like to live my life. Something to keep me on track with moving forward and making these habit changes more permanent.
The next part is more tricky but is necessary to addresses my problem on a deeper level. This is identifying the addictive voice in my head and separating what I am actually feeling or needing from what the addict in my head is telling me. I think a lot of my 'auto pilot' relapsing comes from not recognizing and dismissing that voice until it's far too late. More work and also more reading will be necessary to this end.
How is all this going? So far so good this week. Unfortunately I have been unwell for much of it and have had numerous difficult, annoying work/life events to address on top of that but when the day is considered & spent purposefully, it is certainly easier not to slip back into bad habits.
Day 5 today
Wishing you all well
I think one of the reasons it is so rare for me to relapse during the week is I have a fairly solid routine surrounding the week that is to some extent enforced by work. This more or less disappears once the weekend begins, arguably when I need it the most. To address this I sat down and thought of what i'd like my ideal weekend to look like and came up with a routine list, though similar to the week, maintains a routine and makes me plan ahead for what I want to do with my time. It was in part inspired by a combination of my own weekly routines that have worked in the past, logicprox's routine and also addressing past mistakes.
It's not a permanent solution by any means to be this strict but i'm looking at it as sort of 'training wheels' for how i'd like to live my life. Something to keep me on track with moving forward and making these habit changes more permanent.
The next part is more tricky but is necessary to addresses my problem on a deeper level. This is identifying the addictive voice in my head and separating what I am actually feeling or needing from what the addict in my head is telling me. I think a lot of my 'auto pilot' relapsing comes from not recognizing and dismissing that voice until it's far too late. More work and also more reading will be necessary to this end.
How is all this going? So far so good this week. Unfortunately I have been unwell for much of it and have had numerous difficult, annoying work/life events to address on top of that but when the day is considered & spent purposefully, it is certainly easier not to slip back into bad habits.
Day 5 today
Wishing you all well
Hi, Orbiter! I like your 'strict-for-now' routine approach, that may give you breathing room from the cyclical habbits/addiction.
The deeper level work, too, is so important. If it helps, Jack Trimpey, in his book, Rational Recovery, defines the addictive voice (AV) thus:
Any thinking or feeling that supports one's future use of [P/MO]. An expression of the [lower brain].
Now the reasons/needs that the lower brain is trying to (innocently) help us to assuage with these urges/thoughts are perhaps numerous. These can be stress-related, emotional pain, past trauma, or sometimes the addiction itself creating the 'urgency' that needs resolution through acting out. Often, it's like playing a game of whack-a-mole trying to figure out what 'triggered' us. The important thing, of course, is to let the urges fade on their own, and eventually- and quite naturally- we'll find healthy ways to come back to equanimity.
Wishing the best!
Day 1
Hmm not really sure what went wrong the previous month but I definitely fell off the rails again. The disciplined approach works well when I do it but without a more profound change in mind frame or doing any of the deeper work, it seems to end much the same way. I think another problem is I am also procrastinating on quitting the auxiliary habits that sabotage me like alcohol. The only way I think can do this is making it an absolute priority in my life. No compromises, no half measures.
I wonder at this point what role procrastination is playing in my recent failures. Is it the process of recovery I am dreading? Do I have what it takes to make the process work? Do I still believe I am capable of recovering? Do I still believe recovery is possible?
Hmm not really sure what went wrong the previous month but I definitely fell off the rails again. The disciplined approach works well when I do it but without a more profound change in mind frame or doing any of the deeper work, it seems to end much the same way. I think another problem is I am also procrastinating on quitting the auxiliary habits that sabotage me like alcohol. The only way I think can do this is making it an absolute priority in my life. No compromises, no half measures.
I wonder at this point what role procrastination is playing in my recent failures. Is it the process of recovery I am dreading? Do I have what it takes to make the process work? Do I still believe I am capable of recovering? Do I still believe recovery is possible?
The 'process' works, regardless. Why? Because it's simply life.
If we flipped this thing on its head, what would it look like? It'd be the inverse of our approach now. It's not by tinkering, fixing, intervening, planning, forcing, reacting, rejecting, or fighting: if we do nothing (neither for nor against), the thing falls away on its own. Even if we faltered and failed, let that, too, fall away on its own.
Life always settles back down to equanimity, health and happiness. Only when we try to 'help' it along do we encounter the 'sticky-nature' of our habits.
To rephrase an old addiction axiom: Let go and let Life.
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I feel like you've said this many times in many ways but there's something that really clicks here.
Addictions fade on their own as long as we leave them behind. Don't think about it, don't fight it, just let it go.
EDIT: Day 5
Exactly, brother! It's really good news, it's exciting, and scary at the same time, lol...!
There were days where, if one went by stats, I shoud've been down in the dumps, plotting and scheming on how to 'break out of prison', but instead, there was no problem!
And isn't it true that in the moment, we're not obsessing, we're not even thinking about it? That's actually our default place. We'll always come back down to that place- and, truth be told, that's what we're doing all the 'extras' for, anyway, to try and help our mind along to get to that baseline.
This is the no-will power approach, and it doesn't account for lapses or streaks, necessarily. I still write down the last date I 'lapsed' (or had an episode), and maybe, if I find it helpful, I'll track the number of days- but not every day. Maybe what we think should help only serves to keep us in the loop?
But if we let life be what it is on its own terms, we may find that there really is no problem- or that it fades on its own. And bigger picture, this is how we 'grow out of' our addiction, it just falls away of its own.
This may take practice, but you'll find that 'no-problem' groove, and flow with it. And in the event of an episode or lapse, don't charge it with emotions, be super self-compassionate, and let it fade. Track it if you must, but, 'set it and forget it'.
Be well.