Another story - probably the same as everyone else
- Thread starter GBS
- Start date
GBS
Respected Member
Thanks @Blondie - this may be unhelpful to followers but nearly 800 days in I do still feel like I am fighting a bit. Not with that constant battle of the two parts of my brain, just in being super wary of anything that could derail the progress. But, and it’s an important “but”, I have a lot of experience of the flatlines, and the strong urges, and the bite your knuckles off moments, and knowing they can be countered is enough actually to counter them straight off the bat. ”Don’t go there, you know it will make the next few hours/days very hard”….”Ok….I won’t”
Thanks again, mate. The struggle never ends, but it does get easier.
792 days sober
19 days no MO.
Slightly more intimacy yesterday. Wife said it was hard for her, but she declared she was ok afterwards. A good day.
Percival
Active Member
Habits help! And bad habits hurt. I appreciate the reminder that our minds can be retrained and the overwhelming compulsion that seemingly cannot be resisted is not the end of the war. It can be, and the temptation fades, even if it never quite completely goes away.
Glad there's a bit of improvement of intimacy with your wife. That's good for both of you; you're in this together, for the long haul.
GBS
Respected Member
Cheers @Percival - the strange thing is, I had my biggest lightbulb moments after about 3-6 months and it was quite extraordinary how different I felt. But I am used to the new me now, and without the rewards of new me feeling, one has to cope with the boredom. It can be assuaged through activity of course, but how ever many things you do,there’s no way you can fill up ALL your time. So the new boring bit of life has to be embraced. Now that’s where I am. Happy (95% of the time) being bored and not panicking.
Thanks for checking in pal. I always read yours….come here more often if you can.
GBS
Respected Member
794 days sober
21 days (three weeks) no MO
There have been some pressure moments in my last few weeks (work related, although it’s not paid work because I am retired) and now they’re gone I realise what pressure they put on me. So I feel light as a feather and am probably better company too. Going to see my elderly mum today. I guess there will be some intimacy tomorrow but it’s a guess.
21 days (three weeks) no MO
There have been some pressure moments in my last few weeks (work related, although it’s not paid work because I am retired) and now they’re gone I realise what pressure they put on me. So I feel light as a feather and am probably better company too. Going to see my elderly mum today. I guess there will be some intimacy tomorrow but it’s a guess.
GBS
Respected Member
795 days free from pornography
22 days no MO
I am not 100%. In denial about the virus I have had but it’s one of those that doesn’t really stop you doing anything, it just means you get tired faster, and the second I lie down in bed I start having these once every 2 minutes coughs. So sleep is poor quality. That exacerbates general tired feeling and a low ebb of mood.
Intimacy has not been mentioned but I am almost too tired anyway. It probably doesn’t count as a flatline but I have very low libido right now.
I drove to and from my mother’s house yesterday (round trip of 4 hours driving). Sometimes I get these fantasy moments when I am driving. I allow them a little bit of space, but try and get mind back onto something else (radio phone in programmes helip). Yesterday absolutely zero sex thoughts. I know this is progress but it also feels a bit like I have lost something valuable.
We persist.
22 days no MO
I am not 100%. In denial about the virus I have had but it’s one of those that doesn’t really stop you doing anything, it just means you get tired faster, and the second I lie down in bed I start having these once every 2 minutes coughs. So sleep is poor quality. That exacerbates general tired feeling and a low ebb of mood.
Intimacy has not been mentioned but I am almost too tired anyway. It probably doesn’t count as a flatline but I have very low libido right now.
I drove to and from my mother’s house yesterday (round trip of 4 hours driving). Sometimes I get these fantasy moments when I am driving. I allow them a little bit of space, but try and get mind back onto something else (radio phone in programmes helip). Yesterday absolutely zero sex thoughts. I know this is progress but it also feels a bit like I have lost something valuable.
We persist.
Percival
Active Member
Poor sleep makes all of life less. Hope the virus doesn't persist too long.
've had those fantasy moments too. They're fun and not very bad for you but ultimately not productive so I find it's better to redirect my mind elsewhere, as you did. And yes, low libido does feel like a loss, like somehow you're not who you usually are (which I guess is true). Chances are it'll return, though.
've had those fantasy moments too. They're fun and not very bad for you but ultimately not productive so I find it's better to redirect my mind elsewhere, as you did. And yes, low libido does feel like a loss, like somehow you're not who you usually are (which I guess is true). Chances are it'll return, though.
GBS
Respected Member
796 days sober
23 days no MO
23 days no MO
Thanks @Percival . Oddly enough it’s always nice to know that the little urges I have (while driving for instance) are something that others identify with. I know the libido will come back. I need to eat good food today. Feeling a little better. Thanks again, man.
Cheers, @Blondie . Recovery when you’re less than 100% is a bit weird, but in some ways it looks after itself. Stay strong, mate.
GBS
Respected Member
797 days sober
24 days no MO
Haa a good opportunity to MO today but I resisted. I was alone for three hours. I know an MO is hardly a heinous crime, but still managing not to do something that in the past I would have done almost habitually…is good. Nearly800 days sober and I still have to boast about that little victory. Slightly depressing…that.
24 days no MO
Haa a good opportunity to MO today but I resisted. I was alone for three hours. I know an MO is hardly a heinous crime, but still managing not to do something that in the past I would have done almost habitually…is good. Nearly800 days sober and I still have to boast about that little victory. Slightly depressing…that.
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
GBS
Respected Member
800 days sober
0 days no MO
Fair enough, bunting out. 800 is a cracking number that I am extremely proud of. I broke the MO seal yesterday. I can’t figure out whether I was making an excuse to be able to do it, or that fantasy thoughts were whizzing around and I needed them to reside. It was a 5/10 experience after which I didn’t feel guilty or powerless, just meh. It’s not something to dwell on.
My life, as you probably know, really revolves around what speed my wife will recover at. Obviously it’s now all psychological for her. There’s not much more I can do. It’s highly frustrating but frankly I am used to it. We’re in the sixth month of the intimacy program and yet there’s been no touching genitalia. I can easily get sympathy on here for saying that, but I don’t say it for that reason….I say it because I just need to get it off my chest and then I can continue my day without carrying baggage with me.
Have a porn free Wednesday gentlemen and ladies.
0 days no MO
Fair enough, bunting out. 800 is a cracking number that I am extremely proud of. I broke the MO seal yesterday. I can’t figure out whether I was making an excuse to be able to do it, or that fantasy thoughts were whizzing around and I needed them to reside. It was a 5/10 experience after which I didn’t feel guilty or powerless, just meh. It’s not something to dwell on.
My life, as you probably know, really revolves around what speed my wife will recover at. Obviously it’s now all psychological for her. There’s not much more I can do. It’s highly frustrating but frankly I am used to it. We’re in the sixth month of the intimacy program and yet there’s been no touching genitalia. I can easily get sympathy on here for saying that, but I don’t say it for that reason….I say it because I just need to get it off my chest and then I can continue my day without carrying baggage with me.
Have a porn free Wednesday gentlemen and ladies.
GBS
Respected Member
805 days sober
5 days no MO
Thanks for checking in @Blondie and thanks for the picture. You are a kind man.
I thought I would see what a mini break felt like. Kids came for this weekend and we had a spectacular day out on Saturday. All good here. Last did the intimacy thing on Friday morning. Very nice. Craving more. Part of my brain fully understands her need to do this really slowly , and part of my brain says it’s mad….you’re missing out. The leap of faith required is surely not that big. Anyway, I remain resolute. Good things come to those who wait.
Stay clean gentlemen.
5 days no MO
Thanks for checking in @Blondie and thanks for the picture. You are a kind man.
I thought I would see what a mini break felt like. Kids came for this weekend and we had a spectacular day out on Saturday. All good here. Last did the intimacy thing on Friday morning. Very nice. Craving more. Part of my brain fully understands her need to do this really slowly , and part of my brain says it’s mad….you’re missing out. The leap of faith required is surely not that big. Anyway, I remain resolute. Good things come to those who wait.
Stay clean gentlemen.