Another story - probably the same as everyone else

F

Freerider

Active Member
GBS said:
757 days sober
18 days no MO

A bit depressed honestly. Nice touching session with wife, but when I asked if we could progress to something more intimate I got a round “no” in response. Not ready, thinks that if I touch her I must be thinking of someone else. Knows it’s about building trust. I said if I touched her it was to give her pleasure not just me. Response was that she would consider that…..err…..consider? So it’s deflating after 2 years and 1 month of sobriety to be told she still can’t take the necessary risk. But that’s the truth if the matter.

The urge to MO to more fantasy is extremely strong, but somehow I resist. Fucking hell…..this is hard.
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it might be moment before dawn now GBS. Its darkest time before light come. Is it helping to talk with your wife about your and her wishes or where you both are or what have on mind. Ok, im not professional and might have that same problem with my wife also but somehow try to increase connection with your wife on other areas of life. Concentrate to have more time and connection and talk with your wife. These are just stupid words and i dont know about amything, just think that more communication and connection could help on some issues..

You get what you give up. It means that when you concentrate to other areas the thing you wanted come to you. And when you try to get something it somehow goes further. Dont know is it working, test and tell..

Anyway ,sorry my bad english, i dont want to be rude but might sound like it. All good for you and your wife!
 
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GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
Wow, sorry to hear that GBS. It's extremely hard, given that you don't have that outlet with the wife. I know she has to heal from however it went down, but still... How can there be progress and healing if she doesn't set herself aside, as we must set ourselves aside, for you?

Given the amount of time rebuilding trust, doing the right thing in abstaining, perhaps you can stand on that confidence and say, "Hey, this may not be fair, and it may not be helpful..." - just some thoughts if they apply.

Wishing you well.
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Thanks @Phineas 808 - I appreciate your concern and sympathy. My wife has made it extremely clear to me where she stands and I have tried many times to explain the new me (therapy for 18 months, weekly SAA meetings, complete abstinence from porn, couples therapy, drinking less, almost no masturbation) but it doesn’t change her. The (annoying) serenity prayer says I need to accept what I can’t change, change what I can. I wish she would do this too, but sure as eggs is eggs telling her she might like to exact change is, shall I put this lightly, unwise.

But I truly appreciate you offering advice. Hero.
Freerider said:
it might be moment before dawn now GBS. Its darkest time before light come. Is it helping to talk with your wife about your and her wishes or where you both are or what have on mind. Ok, im not professional and might have that same problem with my wife also but somehow try to increase connection with your wife on other areas of life. Concentrate to have more time and connection and talk with your wife. These are just stupid words and i dont know about amything, just think that more communication and connection could help on some issues..
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And thanks @Freerider - your English is fine. I just hope you’re right that sometimes the barrier comes down quicker just after it’s been raised a bit. We communicate a lot. We hug, we kiss (albeit not passionate), we laugh….all the ingredients and then when I ask if I can squeeze her boobs (after 25 months waiting) I get a round no. Too bad. Her loss. Thanks again pal.

Meanwhile 758 days no porn
18 days no MO
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
That's quite the laundry list of areas you're working on, if that doesn't scream change, what would? Sounds like even if you walked on water, she might not budge...

That annoying serenity prayer, lol... right? Well, even the slow 'drip-drip' may wear away the toughest rock.
 
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GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
That's quite the laundry list of areas you're working on, if that doesn't scream change, what would? Sounds like even if you walked on water, she might not budge...

That annoying serenity prayer, lol... right? Well, even the slow 'drip-drip' may wear away the toughest rock.
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Thanks @Phineas 808 - one needs to be careful listing one’s wonderful accomplishments, pride comes before a fall etc etc. But it’s true that seemingly multiple acts of change are nit sufficient. It’s about her managing to change and her trust issues. She’s admitted the trust issues many times and we’ve talked it to death. Just needs time. And that phrase seems to end discussion right there. But I do appreciate the support.

And the numbers are:

759 days sober
19 days no MO
 
F

Freerider

Active Member
GBS said:
Thanks @Phineas 808 - one needs to be careful listing one’s wonderful accomplishments, pride comes before a fall etc etc. But it’s true that seemingly multiple acts of change are nit sufficient. It’s about her managing to change and her trust issues. She’s admitted the trust issues many times and we’ve talked it to death. Just needs time. And that phrase seems to end discussion right there. But I do appreciate the support.

And the numbers are:

759 days sober
19 days no MO
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GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks for checking on me @Blondie - feeling rather sorry for myself to be honest.

Numbers still good, at 765 days sober from porn, but just 2 days no MO. The release was needed.

Wife asked me if I was ok on Sunday. I said I was but was frustrated. This did not engender a kind supportive discussion. It actually once again brought out her defensive side and she can get real nasty when this happens. I won’t repeat what she said because it will just gather you all around me and against her. This, while it is soothing and kind, doesn’t get me anywhere. The problem is though that if any discussion starts from a “how are you doing?” question, and that always ends in semi-carnage then it discourages me from answering that question honestly in the future.

Easy amateur analysis tells me she’s still scared to make a leap of faith, and anyone nudging her closer to the edge pays the price. So there is no obvious and easy fix other than patience. I may have written this exact same post a year ago if not longer!

Oh….I’m fine actually, don’t worry. Calm and serene.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear this friend. I wish I could just push a button and it would all be "fixed" but I know that's not how it works, there's no quick fix to these types of things. Coming out of my own experiece recently, this can be real hard to grasp and deal with for both people, especially them and it takes time. My Lady told me recently, it still hurts when she thinks about it, and I hated to hear that, like three months somehow is going to change the situation. It is what it is and we must deal in the real world about it.

Never feel like you can't write here because it's the "same old thing". This is your thread so do you.

Congrats on staying strong through all of this though, it shows the man you are and the man you've become.

Best
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Blondie said:
Sorry to hear this friend. I wish I could just push a button and it would all be "fixed" but I know that's not how it works, there's no quick fix to these types of things. Coming out of my own experiece recently, this can be real hard to grasp and deal with for both people, especially them and it takes time. My Lady told me recently, it still hurts when she thinks about it, and I hated to hear that, like three months somehow is going to change the situation. It is what it is and we must deal in the real world about it.

Never feel like you can't write here because it's the "same old thing". This is your thread so do you.
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This is kind. Thanks. It is strangely comforting to hear that others’ partners find it difficult too. The perspective really helps. Just think that after 2 years and 1 month I get some form of adult conversation about it, rather than the parent/child conversation that I am forced into.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
Instead of a Boeing, that was a time machine!
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Sorry…yeah, I got a bit ahead of myself there.

Things are really good at home in terms of general atmosphere and togetherness. Kisses seem just a fraction more passionate but they’re still only pecks really. Hand holding goes on a lot and there is regular hugging. And I know you lot are on my side so you beg the question- why can’t she move on? I think the answer is very deep and comes from a childhood trauma for her so that betrayal of trust is not easy to overcome. And so the wait goes on. Last time I complained (mildly) of frustration at the speed, I was duly torn a new asshole so a bit reticent to say a word. She has me in the palm of her hand. I sound like I am weak and giving in. I am not, just pulling in those reserves of patience.

770 days sober
7 days no MO

HAPPY Monday all.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
772 days sober
9 days no MO

Sadly yesterday was one of those days where my heart sinks in retrospect. Wife just not in a great mood. I rather suspect she just had a bad day where she possibly just was thinking of times past. I don’t know that’s the case but there was no other reason for the general bitterness. These types of days are really tough to deal with, but we must still deal with them. Where’s my higher power when I need it?

I will tell you where it is….it’s right here on REBOOT NATION. This is my home sometimes. Not to get the duvet treatment, but just to be grounded in the reality of fixing ourselves. I can only fix me. If the fixed me isn’t enough, and sometimes I genuinely think it isn’t enough, then that’s actually not my problem. I accept what I cannot change. I change the things I can.

The no MO number is climbing again. And with yesterday being no fun, it’s a test not to lapse into fantasy and release. Resisting is difficult but I am very good at it.

Stay clean guys and gals.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
I admire your patience, @GBS. People are complicated and marriages are complicated because they involve two different and complicated people. Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
 
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