731 days sober….and that is 365 days + 366 days (leap year) = 731 days so TWO YEARS free from that life sucking sadness.
37 days no MO
My journey has included:
Getting over the shock and anger phase. And I suppose those who fall off regularly in the first one to three months don’t find it possible to see this phase for what it is. If you have a partner then coming totally clean is essential. Dealing with what my wife was saying in those first three months was quite the test. She would literally yell at me. Not obscenities just nasty questions that I fully deserved. She said some very cruel things and again she was entitled to. Who was I to complain? But it’s difficult not running away. Then it hits you….
Grief - you can sort of cope with your wife dishing out the verbals, but now you have something else to deal with - serious withdrawal. I would go on a dog walk and my mind would just wander into fantasy land. It’s all there was. Plus I was not masturbating or at least I had decided I was going to do it less and less. It was like a friend dying. And your brain says “hang on, you haven’t lost a friend….you can get him back anytime you want” Fuck off brain. And so the fight begins.
I read all around the subject. Your brain on porn, Gary Wilson. Some people casting aspersions that what he says is wrong. To me it was just so obviously right. Those who think that Wilson was a fraud and/or that we recovering addicts are also just trying to bring down the porn industry are to my mind deluded. Everything I read made sense. I had been changed by my porn addiction and now I was going clean I had to understand what the battle was all about. I didn’t need viagra, I just needed to stop watching porn. And to do that I had to 1) admit I was flawed 2) get help 3) admit it to my wife 4) stop masturbating 5) come on to this forum.
It’s all been said on here so many times by so many heroes. That’s the blueprint right there. My wife saw growth and change within 2 months and she told me so. She still yelled at me but she gave me some hope. She was defrosting slowly. I wanted it to go quicker. Of course I did. And now with all these new feelings inside me, I was coping with the withdrawal and the frustration was literally running my life. My brain was playing all the tricks. My wife wasn’t letting me even touch her. It was hell on earth but also completely amazing as I was recognising my own changes. I wasn’t any longer just changing to save my marriage, I was changing to save myself.
Ok, ok….I know what you’re thinking…..boring, BORING. All been said before by you, Geebs, and by others here who write so brilliantly….so don’t repeat it all. Tedious. What’s new? Ok I will just come out and say it. If this resonates then have a think about it.….
Masturbation isn’t bad for you but anything regular is asking for trouble if you’re a recovering porn addict. So to give up porn you have to give up wanking. Oh sure…well done Geebs….so erudite….oh bravo (sarcasm intended)…. And what happens? You’re in the shower and you are frustrated and your mind can give you something to masturbate about, and you think I need to do this or I will go mad. That’s when you have to harness some power from somewhere. People in 12 step call it giving in to a Higher Power, or God, or whatever spiritual thing you have. And so you resist. You get out of the shower not having masturbated and you feel ok. You’re still frustrated but you know you did the right thing. The frustration goes away. Sometimes it goes away slowly but it does go away.
I don’t suppose that has somehow given those of you who struggle the answer, but if you do struggle have a think about it. The changes are not overnight, but they do come when you stick to a plan for yourself. Giving in is easy, resisting is hard. Do the hard one.
So two years recovery, no sex with wife, but probably a mended marriage, how does it feel? It feels amazing. I am different from the man who started on RN when I was two months into my recovery. It’s a long road but I have to walk it, sometimes alone and sometimes with my wife. If my wife can’t get over it (unlikely) I will not have done this for no reason. I am a more solid person now, and most importantly….I am a man now.
Thanks for reading…if you got to the end.