Another story - probably the same as everyone else
- Thread starter GBS
- Start date
GBS
Respected Member
726 days
32 days no MO
Funeral was yesterday. Went about as well as could be expected. What do I do with my time now?
I know. Focus on my recovery. Be nice to my wife.
In a few days I will be at 2 years sober. It’s been quite a discovery road. There are some extremely good writers on this site who are extremely erudite in their prose. I might be tempted to write an essay myself but am hesitating because it’s very slightly all been said before.
I don’t know this for sure, but I have a feeling that it was luck I found this particular site and it has been one of the backbones of my journey. This may be unhelpful but I think this journey is a very long one. 2 years (if I get there) will be considered a good start. I am uncertain whether I will be here so regularly when I commence my third year.
But here’s something for you all to consider: if you’re one of those people who hid things from your partner (or indeed for those without partners, are you truly honest within yourself?), then you will know that feeling you get when your partner seems annoyed about something and you don’t know what it is. You don’t want to ask for fear of some of your lies being exposed are questioned. So you have a knot in your stomach. You worry. If you stay silent nothing improves. If you speak up, potentially things get worse. You choose option A.
We all have done this. To a tiny extent I do it still, but it’s trivial stuff now. So hiding recovery from a porn habit, or a flirting habit, or any of the other bad things we do that fall under the umbrella of sex addiction/craving attention addiction - is, I think, a mistake. It takes some guts to tell your partner and admit it to yourself, but the pay off is everything. The pay off, for me at least, isn’t having sex with my wife. That hasn’t happened yet. It’s hearing my wife being annoyed and going in to talk to her and asking her what’s wrong.
No longer can she say something that unravels a whole load of troubles. So she tells me what’s wrong, and 9 times out of 10 it’s got nothing to do with me and I can help her resolve it. The 1 time out of 10 could be her remembering the past and she goes into her shell. I can be empathetic and endure her sniffiness because the simple truth is it’s perfectly reasonable for her to have bad moments, but it’s not the current me that’s to be blamed. It’s me of 2+ years ago. I know that. She knows that. It’s liberating even on the 1 time out of 10.
If you’re one of those who hasn’t come clean to your partner (or yourself) then I very strongly recommend you give this some serious thought. It’s one of the pillars of my recovery.
Have a good weekend all.
32 days no MO
Funeral was yesterday. Went about as well as could be expected. What do I do with my time now?
I know. Focus on my recovery. Be nice to my wife.
In a few days I will be at 2 years sober. It’s been quite a discovery road. There are some extremely good writers on this site who are extremely erudite in their prose. I might be tempted to write an essay myself but am hesitating because it’s very slightly all been said before.
I don’t know this for sure, but I have a feeling that it was luck I found this particular site and it has been one of the backbones of my journey. This may be unhelpful but I think this journey is a very long one. 2 years (if I get there) will be considered a good start. I am uncertain whether I will be here so regularly when I commence my third year.
But here’s something for you all to consider: if you’re one of those people who hid things from your partner (or indeed for those without partners, are you truly honest within yourself?), then you will know that feeling you get when your partner seems annoyed about something and you don’t know what it is. You don’t want to ask for fear of some of your lies being exposed are questioned. So you have a knot in your stomach. You worry. If you stay silent nothing improves. If you speak up, potentially things get worse. You choose option A.
We all have done this. To a tiny extent I do it still, but it’s trivial stuff now. So hiding recovery from a porn habit, or a flirting habit, or any of the other bad things we do that fall under the umbrella of sex addiction/craving attention addiction - is, I think, a mistake. It takes some guts to tell your partner and admit it to yourself, but the pay off is everything. The pay off, for me at least, isn’t having sex with my wife. That hasn’t happened yet. It’s hearing my wife being annoyed and going in to talk to her and asking her what’s wrong.
No longer can she say something that unravels a whole load of troubles. So she tells me what’s wrong, and 9 times out of 10 it’s got nothing to do with me and I can help her resolve it. The 1 time out of 10 could be her remembering the past and she goes into her shell. I can be empathetic and endure her sniffiness because the simple truth is it’s perfectly reasonable for her to have bad moments, but it’s not the current me that’s to be blamed. It’s me of 2+ years ago. I know that. She knows that. It’s liberating even on the 1 time out of 10.
If you’re one of those who hasn’t come clean to your partner (or yourself) then I very strongly recommend you give this some serious thought. It’s one of the pillars of my recovery.
Have a good weekend all.
GBS, thank you for understanding. It was so difficult to discover what had been going on with my husband, what he was doing. As hard as it was, I still maintain that the secret being out is better. The reason being having two to deal with the issue lightens the load. It makes it easier to form the trust bond again. Rebuilding trust was hard. In my other journals, I tried to be ok one day at a time. And yes I know every one is different, but I could not work. I considered quitting. My husband could tell when I had ”moments”. I still worry. Why? Because this sneaked into our marriage. I didn’t know.
I am super impressed with your walk and willingness to share that. It helps others learn.
I am super impressed with your walk and willingness to share that. It helps others learn.
GBS
Respected Member
Thanks @Gracie - I promise I wasn’t trying to show off. One of my more subtle points is that coming clean isn’t just done for my wife’s sake, it makes me feel free from worry about repercussions and the knock on effect is I am responsive and responsible. So I am a better person and that is enough right there. The fact that my wife likes it is actually secondary. Vital, but still secondary. Curing myself for me is the most important bit. It’s what my wife likes best because she knows the changes aren’t because she asked for them, they are because I worked out that I needed to do them whether she stayed or not.
Thanks for your comments nonetheless. It helps to hear it from the female perspective. I am pretty certain my marriage will get there, but, depressing as it sounds, it will not be the end of my world if she can’t face it and has to leave.
Stay sober everyone
Thanks for your comments nonetheless. It helps to hear it from the female perspective. I am pretty certain my marriage will get there, but, depressing as it sounds, it will not be the end of my world if she can’t face it and has to leave.
Stay sober everyone
GBS
Respected Member
GBS
Respected Member
729 days sober
35 days no MO
in these (very nearly two years) I am estimating I have MO’d about 20 times. That’s it. In the old days I would have MO’d or PMO’d about 500 times in that period of time. My brain has been given one hell of a shake up. It doesn’t quite know what to do. Fantasy exists but it’s very pure. That’s wholesome and good. But actually ejaculation is not something I crave because I know how horrible I will feel afterwards. So I get these mini flatlines which are difficult to live with because I feel I deserve something a bit more positive.
A quick catch up. Mrs GBS is being a bit distant and distracted. I don’t know why. I did ask yesterday and she said it’s just stuff. If she means me then I am fine with that, because I did ask and if it was just her having bad flashbacks then I can only help by talking if she tells me what’s going on, so I don’t feel any guilt, just have to live with the tiny bit of tension. Also one of my sons is here so no solitude and no touching. That should continue next week.
Stay sober guys, Fight really hard.
35 days no MO
in these (very nearly two years) I am estimating I have MO’d about 20 times. That’s it. In the old days I would have MO’d or PMO’d about 500 times in that period of time. My brain has been given one hell of a shake up. It doesn’t quite know what to do. Fantasy exists but it’s very pure. That’s wholesome and good. But actually ejaculation is not something I crave because I know how horrible I will feel afterwards. So I get these mini flatlines which are difficult to live with because I feel I deserve something a bit more positive.
A quick catch up. Mrs GBS is being a bit distant and distracted. I don’t know why. I did ask yesterday and she said it’s just stuff. If she means me then I am fine with that, because I did ask and if it was just her having bad flashbacks then I can only help by talking if she tells me what’s going on, so I don’t feel any guilt, just have to live with the tiny bit of tension. Also one of my sons is here so no solitude and no touching. That should continue next week.
Stay sober guys, Fight really hard.
GBS
Respected Member
731 days sober….and that is 365 days + 366 days (leap year) = 731 days so TWO YEARS free from that life sucking sadness.
37 days no MO
My journey has included:
Getting over the shock and anger phase. And I suppose those who fall off regularly in the first one to three months don’t find it possible to see this phase for what it is. If you have a partner then coming totally clean is essential. Dealing with what my wife was saying in those first three months was quite the test. She would literally yell at me. Not obscenities just nasty questions that I fully deserved. She said some very cruel things and again she was entitled to. Who was I to complain? But it’s difficult not running away. Then it hits you….
Grief - you can sort of cope with your wife dishing out the verbals, but now you have something else to deal with - serious withdrawal. I would go on a dog walk and my mind would just wander into fantasy land. It’s all there was. Plus I was not masturbating or at least I had decided I was going to do it less and less. It was like a friend dying. And your brain says “hang on, you haven’t lost a friend….you can get him back anytime you want” Fuck off brain. And so the fight begins.
I read all around the subject. Your brain on porn, Gary Wilson. Some people casting aspersions that what he says is wrong. To me it was just so obviously right. Those who think that Wilson was a fraud and/or that we recovering addicts are also just trying to bring down the porn industry are to my mind deluded. Everything I read made sense. I had been changed by my porn addiction and now I was going clean I had to understand what the battle was all about. I didn’t need viagra, I just needed to stop watching porn. And to do that I had to 1) admit I was flawed 2) get help 3) admit it to my wife 4) stop masturbating 5) come on to this forum.
It’s all been said on here so many times by so many heroes. That’s the blueprint right there. My wife saw growth and change within 2 months and she told me so. She still yelled at me but she gave me some hope. She was defrosting slowly. I wanted it to go quicker. Of course I did. And now with all these new feelings inside me, I was coping with the withdrawal and the frustration was literally running my life. My brain was playing all the tricks. My wife wasn’t letting me even touch her. It was hell on earth but also completely amazing as I was recognising my own changes. I wasn’t any longer just changing to save my marriage, I was changing to save myself.
Ok, ok….I know what you’re thinking…..boring, BORING. All been said before by you, Geebs, and by others here who write so brilliantly….so don’t repeat it all. Tedious. What’s new? Ok I will just come out and say it. If this resonates then have a think about it.….
Masturbation isn’t bad for you but anything regular is asking for trouble if you’re a recovering porn addict. So to give up porn you have to give up wanking. Oh sure…well done Geebs….so erudite….oh bravo (sarcasm intended)…. And what happens? You’re in the shower and you are frustrated and your mind can give you something to masturbate about, and you think I need to do this or I will go mad. That’s when you have to harness some power from somewhere. People in 12 step call it giving in to a Higher Power, or God, or whatever spiritual thing you have. And so you resist. You get out of the shower not having masturbated and you feel ok. You’re still frustrated but you know you did the right thing. The frustration goes away. Sometimes it goes away slowly but it does go away.
I don’t suppose that has somehow given those of you who struggle the answer, but if you do struggle have a think about it. The changes are not overnight, but they do come when you stick to a plan for yourself. Giving in is easy, resisting is hard. Do the hard one.
So two years recovery, no sex with wife, but probably a mended marriage, how does it feel? It feels amazing. I am different from the man who started on RN when I was two months into my recovery. It’s a long road but I have to walk it, sometimes alone and sometimes with my wife. If my wife can’t get over it (unlikely) I will not have done this for no reason. I am a more solid person now, and most importantly….I am a man now.
Thanks for reading…if you got to the end.
37 days no MO
My journey has included:
Getting over the shock and anger phase. And I suppose those who fall off regularly in the first one to three months don’t find it possible to see this phase for what it is. If you have a partner then coming totally clean is essential. Dealing with what my wife was saying in those first three months was quite the test. She would literally yell at me. Not obscenities just nasty questions that I fully deserved. She said some very cruel things and again she was entitled to. Who was I to complain? But it’s difficult not running away. Then it hits you….
Grief - you can sort of cope with your wife dishing out the verbals, but now you have something else to deal with - serious withdrawal. I would go on a dog walk and my mind would just wander into fantasy land. It’s all there was. Plus I was not masturbating or at least I had decided I was going to do it less and less. It was like a friend dying. And your brain says “hang on, you haven’t lost a friend….you can get him back anytime you want” Fuck off brain. And so the fight begins.
I read all around the subject. Your brain on porn, Gary Wilson. Some people casting aspersions that what he says is wrong. To me it was just so obviously right. Those who think that Wilson was a fraud and/or that we recovering addicts are also just trying to bring down the porn industry are to my mind deluded. Everything I read made sense. I had been changed by my porn addiction and now I was going clean I had to understand what the battle was all about. I didn’t need viagra, I just needed to stop watching porn. And to do that I had to 1) admit I was flawed 2) get help 3) admit it to my wife 4) stop masturbating 5) come on to this forum.
It’s all been said on here so many times by so many heroes. That’s the blueprint right there. My wife saw growth and change within 2 months and she told me so. She still yelled at me but she gave me some hope. She was defrosting slowly. I wanted it to go quicker. Of course I did. And now with all these new feelings inside me, I was coping with the withdrawal and the frustration was literally running my life. My brain was playing all the tricks. My wife wasn’t letting me even touch her. It was hell on earth but also completely amazing as I was recognising my own changes. I wasn’t any longer just changing to save my marriage, I was changing to save myself.
Ok, ok….I know what you’re thinking…..boring, BORING. All been said before by you, Geebs, and by others here who write so brilliantly….so don’t repeat it all. Tedious. What’s new? Ok I will just come out and say it. If this resonates then have a think about it.….
Masturbation isn’t bad for you but anything regular is asking for trouble if you’re a recovering porn addict. So to give up porn you have to give up wanking. Oh sure…well done Geebs….so erudite….oh bravo (sarcasm intended)…. And what happens? You’re in the shower and you are frustrated and your mind can give you something to masturbate about, and you think I need to do this or I will go mad. That’s when you have to harness some power from somewhere. People in 12 step call it giving in to a Higher Power, or God, or whatever spiritual thing you have. And so you resist. You get out of the shower not having masturbated and you feel ok. You’re still frustrated but you know you did the right thing. The frustration goes away. Sometimes it goes away slowly but it does go away.
I don’t suppose that has somehow given those of you who struggle the answer, but if you do struggle have a think about it. The changes are not overnight, but they do come when you stick to a plan for yourself. Giving in is easy, resisting is hard. Do the hard one.
So two years recovery, no sex with wife, but probably a mended marriage, how does it feel? It feels amazing. I am different from the man who started on RN when I was two months into my recovery. It’s a long road but I have to walk it, sometimes alone and sometimes with my wife. If my wife can’t get over it (unlikely) I will not have done this for no reason. I am a more solid person now, and most importantly….I am a man now.
Thanks for reading…if you got to the end.
joepanic
Respected Member
I still mo. just not nearly as often, and of course not to porn. Usually to thoughts of my wife and on rare occasion to someone else perhaps pertaining to my past or something. I don not feel shame or guilt over any of this for it would serve no purpose. It does not hurt my wife me or anyone else. We came here to help us stop watching porn or so the landing page tells us. I don't think there is any mention of abstaining from mo. If it's going to lead you to porn perhaps than it's an issue. But why live in a world of frustration. No good can come of that. I find it so much easier to mo once in a while and than get on with my life. I have known women who do it over the years even while married. They call it "me time" Perhaps you do not enjoy it because you felt it was your only outlet due to you and your wife not enjoying full intimacy yet. I get it. I certainly am not interested in a debate regarding that. That's between you and your wife. In my marriage we are at the moment ridiculously busy and there is not always time for intimacy between my wife and I. In a funny way I will just go and mo. It takes the pressure off her and me and I become way more productive after the fact. It's not taking and sexual energy out of the relationship in any way so hurts no one
GBS
Respected Member
Thanks @Freerider - that minor loss of control you talk about, that’s really key. Thanks for saying that. Extremely helpful.
And thanks for weighing in @joepanic - although I slightly got the feeling that my views differed from yours and you somehow thought you needed to defend yours. I wasn’t having a go at you….you understand that, right? And honestly I just flatly disagree with some of what you said. Frustration and controlling it are key to recovery in my book. The brain needs changing and it can’t change if you feed it. I will bet that whilst your wife may be happy for you to masturbate to thoughts of old girlfriends, I don’t think wives and partners would generally say they were ok with that.
joepanic
Respected Member
Many people here and everywhere have many different views... kind of what makes the world go around. I never felt you were having a go at me at all. I know our views differ here and there, That's what makes for healthy debate. When I mention thoughts of someone from my past and my wife accepting it, its because she understand we all have past or past loves. The ones who got away and so on. It's fantasy not reality. Different strokes for different folks i suppose. I am sure most wives and partners would generally not be ok with it but there are a small few I think who are open minded that way to accept it. Relationships are a funny thing, there is no one size fits all and there is usually some give and take needed on a whole variety of aspects. At the end of the day I made a conscious decision to give up compulsive porn use(which at this point includes all porn) because i felt it would make me a much better man, not a perfect man because such a creature does not exist, just a much better one. I think all of us are just hoping to be better men and as long as we are playing with the rules set out at the beginning of our relationships or making improvements along the way, no one should ever be allowed to tell you otherwise
Last edited:
GBS
Respected Member
Hey @joepanic - fair points above. Thank you. I won’t reopen the wound, but my two cents on MO is this in a nutshell. When in early recovery (first three months, say) if one allowed oneself the freedom to MO it would just keep those neuro receptors firing and the brain pathways would remain in place. Giving up porn while you tempt yourself with something close to it is to my mind just torturing yourself and makes recovery either much harder or borderline impossible. So I knew I had to cut it out except when it became too difficult to cope with (which was generally about once a month). So it’s torture one way or the other. But that’s the price we pay for making our brains so sexualized. Thanks again for clearing the air.
So I am now
733 days sober
1 day no MO
I may stop regularly posting because…well you get it. Slightly OCD. I will be on here reading and commenting just more highlights from me rather than my daily life. If it gets interesting with Mrs GBS I will let you know of course.
So I am now
733 days sober
1 day no MO
I may stop regularly posting because…well you get it. Slightly OCD. I will be on here reading and commenting just more highlights from me rather than my daily life. If it gets interesting with Mrs GBS I will let you know of course.
Dangermouse
Member
GBS
Respected Member
738 days sober
6 days no MO
Unbelievably busy right now. May sell our house, so “tidying it up” - my Lord, that is a job. Not going to move far so limited stress, but stress nonetheless. Plus dealing with my father’s estate. So tons to do. This is always great for recovery but that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when you feel like you want to break the rules. You don’t break the rules of course, but feeling like you might want to is annoying. It goes away, I am tired of fighting but I do still fight. No more intimacy although may get another bit today. To remind it’s low grade totally non sexual.
In the past (my obsessive phase) I would masturbate and then know I wouldn’t get morning wood for some days. The well would be totally dry for many days. With my current regime of MO once a month, after I MO I am ready to go again in a few hours. This is extremely encouraging.
6 days no MO
Unbelievably busy right now. May sell our house, so “tidying it up” - my Lord, that is a job. Not going to move far so limited stress, but stress nonetheless. Plus dealing with my father’s estate. So tons to do. This is always great for recovery but that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when you feel like you want to break the rules. You don’t break the rules of course, but feeling like you might want to is annoying. It goes away, I am tired of fighting but I do still fight. No more intimacy although may get another bit today. To remind it’s low grade totally non sexual.
In the past (my obsessive phase) I would masturbate and then know I wouldn’t get morning wood for some days. The well would be totally dry for many days. With my current regime of MO once a month, after I MO I am ready to go again in a few hours. This is extremely encouraging.
Thanks man. Kind.