Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Respected Member
705 days sober
11 days no MO

I reckon when I get two years I can have a week off and binge porn as much as I want and dig into the deepest most squalid fantasies I used to have to get off. Right? I will have deserved it, right?

Yeah yeah yeah….all rhetorical, don’t worry I haven’t lost my marbles. I suppose if/when I get there, the only thought should be…..don’t mess this up. Good habits, good person, never ever return to the old one.

Things ok here - going to do more Sensate focus connecting this morning. I shall give you an update later or tomorrow.
 

GBS

Respected Member
706 days sober
12 days no MO

Going to see if the no MO can go,longer than 20 or 30 days this time.

Stay porn free everyone. It destroys lives. Don’t let it destroy yours.
 

GBS

Respected Member
707 days sober (what we like to call a “Boeing”)
13 days no MO

Really nice intimacy stuff yesterday and for the first time in almost two years I got to touch Mrs GBS’s buttocks. That’s progress right there. This will obviously take time but there are baby steps being taken (this one initiated by her) so all good.

Happy Monday.
 

GBS

Respected Member
708 days sober
14 days no MO

Thanks @Gracie and @Blondie 😆

Strange times with emotions running wild. Prepping for my Dad’s funeral whilst enjoying the biggest step forward in my marriage in years is an odd combination but it’s all manageable. Should get another session today or tomorrow. I know it’s not very exciting reading, but it is life changing for me.
 

GBS

Respected Member
710 days sober
16 days no MO

More intimacy again yesterday. Very nice but still all very respectful and non sexual. My mind seems to be thinking flatline as a result. I know it’s not a real flatline, just a calm serene state of mind. And get a platinum rock morning glory today just to keep the spirits up.
 

GBS

Respected Member
712 days sober
18 days no MO

This no MO streak is different to previous ones. Or that’s what it has seemed in this last week. I don’t know if that’s because of the weird stresses of my father dying or what it is. It could be the seeming comfort of our intimacy sessions which are very low stress. It is jolly weird lying naked with a woman for a long time and your mind is comfortable that there will be no sex involved. Takes away any mini performance anxiety concerns, and I suppose with that it takes away that high , almost forced, libido state. It’s absolutely wonderful on one level because of the state of peace, but on another level it is just very slightly scary. Come back libido, I didn’t mean to offend you.

Morning glories are fine. Way less fantasy going on, which is good just still slightly disconcerting because, like it or not, I miss it terribly. There. That’s the brutal truth. The fantasy doesn’t need to be freaky stuff, in fact it’s become suitably soft in the last six months. But now it’s receding and I am standing at the dock with this boat sailing away. A part of me wants it to come back, but I am not yelling for it to turn around. This analogy could get overstretched so I will stop it. Just slightly weird times right now. Good weird, but weird all the same.

Stay clean guys. Be honest with yourselves, don’t hide this shit from your loved ones. Being free not just from porn, but all the other shit I hid was the most crucial step in my recovery, because when you let it go/out, the freedom is indescribably new. No more obsessive MO, Those are the chapter headings of the book I won’t write!
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
it is good to be rid of the hid part. And while I know there are some here that say their wife knew, for the most part we do not. For myself, it became what else is he hiding. My mind went every where. Not just obvious, other woman etc. but to finances etc. So being out and if necessary honest is so helpful. It is so good to see that you are working through this with your wife. I know that it is a hard road to walk from my walk. It is worth it.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
712 days sober
18 days no MO

This no MO streak is different to previous ones. Or that’s what it has seemed in this last week. I don’t know if that’s because of the weird stresses of my father dying or what it is. It could be the seeming comfort of our intimacy sessions which are very low stress. It is jolly weird lying naked with a woman for a long time and your mind is comfortable that there will be no sex involved. Takes away any mini performance anxiety concerns, and I suppose with that it takes away that high , almost forced, libido state. It’s absolutely wonderful on one level because of the state of peace, but on another level it is just very slightly scary. Come back libido, I didn’t mean to offend you.

Morning glories are fine. Way less fantasy going on, which is good just still slightly disconcerting because, like it or not, I miss it terribly. There. That’s the brutal truth. The fantasy doesn’t need to be freaky stuff, in fact it’s become suitably soft in the last six months. But now it’s receding and I am standing at the dock with this boat sailing away. A part of me wants it to come back, but I am not yelling for it to turn around. This analogy could get overstretched so I will stop it. Just slightly weird times right now. Good weird, but weird all the same.

Stay clean guys. Be honest with yourselves, don’t hide this shit from your loved ones. Being free not just from porn, but all the other shit I hid was the most crucial step in my recovery, because when you let it go/out, the freedom is indescribably new. No more obsessive MO, Those are the chapter headings of the book I won’t write

Good to hear your doing well GBS When it comes to no MO for me it just is now sort of not here nor there. I suppose that might be because the way my life is going now I just don't have any reasons to anymore. I have always had somewhat regular intimacy with my wife. Maybe not as often as I would have liked but that is something she is working on and seems to be improving. I'm not sure it was so much just giving up porn that was the important part.....that was just a bad symptom of other problems or issues involving others that have also since been worked through.
 

GBS

Respected Member
714 days sober
20 days no MO

Thanks @Gracie and @joepanic
I know that it is a hard road to walk from my walk. It is worth it.
So right. It is very difficult and I can see the light, so I know it will be worth it.

“When it comes to no MO for me it just is now sort of not here nor there.” - you said this @joepanic - a very nice place for you to be in, mate. I think there’s a fundamental difference between us though. You have sex with your wife. I don’t with mine. Well not yet anyway. I am not boasting that my no MO streak is better, just different. Both require backbone and fortitude.

All good here. I called myself out on some lazy behaviour yesterday and felt I was in some way slipping back. There is much stress in my life right now, so I have mitigation, but using the excuse is just not ok , so better to put the hand up and say I spotted it and it’s not happening now. Wife appreciated this.
 

GBS

Respected Member
719 days sober
25 days no MO

I will give you a more fulsome update. Firstly, with my father passing away nearly 4 weeks ago now, it has been a very busy time, tiring too. A lot of adrenaline and meetings and phone calls and organising. From a recovery perspective it’s almost a gift because there’s always something to do and your mind doesn’t wander as much. That said, an complacency would be a school boy error so don’t worry I am very watchful.

I am closing in on 2 years sobriety which is obviously excellent progress. Sobriety for me is not looking at pornography and not flirting with other women. I have not ceased masturbation but it has been reduced massively to about once a month. That’s been really tough, but has got easier over 24 months now. I realise I am a stubborn SOB which is double edged. When I was in my addiction and at my worst I could have made an argument that I was doing nothing wrong because I wasn’t having sex with anyone apart from my wife, and the stubbornness within me was highly convincing. On the up side once I saw the light, giving in to temptation has been tricky but my pigheadedness stops me. Don’t do it you effing piece of excrement.

I have obviously focused in my journal (77 pages long) a great deal on winning my wife back. I initially read every paper or article there was on this subject trying to find out how long it should take, but soon realised that was futile. My therapist said it might be more than a year. Others were strict took that long, and yet I read some guy’s journal on here and he said about 5 years for full return to activity. That’s all suitably depressing except one gets to a point (that I am at) where you know it’s going to be fixed eventually so you stop worrying and the number of days is irrelevant.

We embarked on the Sensate focus program in early January. Therapist said it takes 3 months. I think that’s another myth actually. So I honestly don’t think it’s right to give you the account of what happens in our 30 minute sessions together because it’s possibly triggering, but we’re naked and it’s great.

What’s the worst bit I hear you ask? Well, if you’re anything like me, and you probably are a bit, my whole world was sexual fantasy. It was lovely, or I thought it was. I wasn’t cheating on my wife or so I convinced myself and you swim in this pool of constant mild or strong sexual arousal. It’s free and legal, so just do it. I loved it and clearly didn’t care about the wreckage I left in my wake. So the fantasy stays with you. It does recede but it’s slow in leaving. You grip on while you don’t watch porn or masturbate. It’s all that’s left. And now it really is going I still miss it. I know it will be replaced with heaven on earth, but it’s still the last remnants of the old me.

So it’s all good really, or nearly all. You have to stay watchful and not mind walking around with no form of even mild erection, and when you’re lying in bed and about to go to sleep, you try not to think about sex even though a bit of you still wants to. We’re getting there.

Stay sober gents. Be a stubborn SOB. It works.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
@GBS. I'm so happy for you and your success. You've shown us all how it should be done; with honesty, integrity, and no hiding in the shadows of our double lives. We all want to become new men here, and sometimes (most of the time?) that is going to take some real heartbreak first, by facing the reality of our situations and relationships. Over the last month or so I've come to realize this even more than the last two years, that is, that truth is what we should be aiming for in our recoveries, because everything else will fall into line if we follow the truth, even if our world comes crashing down first around us.

Keep it up mate, you're an inspiration to us all

Love
Blondie
 
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