719 days sober
25 days no MO
I will give you a more fulsome update. Firstly, with my father passing away nearly 4 weeks ago now, it has been a very busy time, tiring too. A lot of adrenaline and meetings and phone calls and organising. From a recovery perspective it’s almost a gift because there’s always something to do and your mind doesn’t wander as much. That said, an complacency would be a school boy error so don’t worry I am very watchful.
I am closing in on 2 years sobriety which is obviously excellent progress. Sobriety for me is not looking at pornography and not flirting with other women. I have not ceased masturbation but it has been reduced massively to about once a month. That’s been really tough, but has got easier over 24 months now. I realise I am a stubborn SOB which is double edged. When I was in my addiction and at my worst I could have made an argument that I was doing nothing wrong because I wasn’t having sex with anyone apart from my wife, and the stubbornness within me was highly convincing. On the up side once I saw the light, giving in to temptation has been tricky but my pigheadedness stops me. Don’t do it you effing piece of excrement.
I have obviously focused in my journal (77 pages long) a great deal on winning my wife back. I initially read every paper or article there was on this subject trying to find out how long it should take, but soon realised that was futile. My therapist said it might be more than a year. Others were strict took that long, and yet I read some guy’s journal on here and he said about 5 years for full return to activity. That’s all suitably depressing except one gets to a point (that I am at) where you know it’s going to be fixed eventually so you stop worrying and the number of days is irrelevant.
We embarked on the Sensate focus program in early January. Therapist said it takes 3 months. I think that’s another myth actually. So I honestly don’t think it’s right to give you the account of what happens in our 30 minute sessions together because it’s possibly triggering, but we’re naked and it’s great.
What’s the worst bit I hear you ask? Well, if you’re anything like me, and you probably are a bit, my whole world was sexual fantasy. It was lovely, or I thought it was. I wasn’t cheating on my wife or so I convinced myself and you swim in this pool of constant mild or strong sexual arousal. It’s free and legal, so just do it. I loved it and clearly didn’t care about the wreckage I left in my wake. So the fantasy stays with you. It does recede but it’s slow in leaving. You grip on while you don’t watch porn or masturbate. It’s all that’s left. And now it really is going I still miss it. I know it will be replaced with heaven on earth, but it’s still the last remnants of the old me.
So it’s all good really, or nearly all. You have to stay watchful and not mind walking around with no form of even mild erection, and when you’re lying in bed and about to go to sleep, you try not to think about sex even though a bit of you still wants to. We’re getting there.
Stay sober gents. Be a stubborn SOB. It works.
